SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been 10 weeks since D day (just counted and wow I can’t believe it’s been that much time). Most of the time I am 90% sure I want to end the relationship. Rather - I’m 90% sure that it’s not working for me and that he’s not going to make any changes to himself. Yes he is not actively cheating right now - but he also did not go to IC or quit smoking/ drinking as I requested for our terms of continuing the relationship. We have not done anything physical - no kisses or intimacy etc since that day. We are living uncomfortably (for me) in the same space , sharing the same bed. He is being really nice to me. It’s hard because it reminds me of the person I like and that I fell in love with. However, to me it’s like rug sweeping. I know I’m not willing to go through another d day with him. Logically I want to move on. It’s like my heart hasn’t caught up. Nothing is fine but we are pretending everything is fine every day. But when I think about saying "you should leave we should break up" the words get caught in my throat. Idk what’s holding me back ? I can’t find my anger … it’s like, I forgive him. I don’t feel any bad feelings toward him right now. Which is probably what made it easy for him to cheat on me in the first place. He cheated on me before and instead of getting real consequence , it’s like he knew he could do it again because the boundary had moved. I want to love myself so fiercely that I don’t accept this happening to me. Why do I feel bad about hurting him ? It feels ridiculous even to me. But it’s how I feel. I am realizing how much of a care taker personality I have been taking on with him. (He’s a capable and healthy adult). I feel some sense of responsibility to him. It’s like , but what did he ever really do for me? Will I just wake up one day and be able to say "ok let’s break up"? Why is it so hard ? Help ! It’s exhausting me , I realize I am grinding my teeth with anxiety throughout the day. How can I lessen my anxiety about this, know for sure it’s the right choice, and make it easier on myself ?

Leaving is the most sensible choice because it is true that’s cheater could change, but this is only possible if the person truly wants to.

Many just pretend to but never intend to change.

Leaving drops the risk of being fooled more by lies, deception, abuse.

There is a flip, if you love this person or loved them, isn’t as easy as we thought it to be.

What you need is to heal yourself in the first place.
Let go of the outcomes. Put yourself first. You don’t have to rush a decision.

When you regained your center you get clarity, then the choice will be easier.

I cam tell you that when I took real steps toward divorce is when my wife got real about fixing what she'd broken. That was almost a year and a half ago and she's still doing everything she can to stay married to me.

She wasn't like that for the first month after d day tho. Trickle truth, lies, and insisting on keeping contact with her AP. I finally had enough and started calling divorce lawyers right in front of her. That moment changed everything.

It wasn't a threat. I was serious and she knew it. I was resigned that things weren't going to get better and decided divorce was better than living in infidelity.

You say he cheated on you before? So this isn't the first time? Maybe a dose of reality will snap him out of it. Of not, then why would you want to remain married to him anyway? If nothing changes, then nothing will change. If you do go that route, don't back out or change your mind unless he seriously toes the line.

I think right now he's just waiting for you to let it blow over then return to the status quo.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:20 AM, Sunday, October 25th]