SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The three month trial just means that she needs to hide her affair better for three months. It’s active and ongoing, as is evidenced by her messages that she has sent

I don’t think it’s ongoing. She’s been very transparent with her phone, messages, and location info.

Could she be hiding it? Maybe. I’ve known her for almost 20 years and know when she’s lying. She’s very bad at it.

UseD2

I don’t see a need or any benefit to hit on you for the three month decision. I might not agree with it and not like it, but as I said previously: you are there and must decide and implement. If you can tolerate that and believe she will take your observations into account... then that’s up to you.

Our advice tends to be based on two main factors: Our personal experience and what we learn from observing others. If I were to base my infidelity advice solely on MY experience, I guess the takeaway would be to never trust hairdressers... I am also fairly certain the majority of hairdressers are faithful spouses, so why should I pass judgement on all based on MY experience? I think I base my advice a lot more on general human behavior, experiences I have seen here on this (and other sites) and experiences I have seen in life.

If you go to the Reconciliation forum you will see a thread about reconciling while working together. I encourage you to read that thread. Both the responses of those that are working at R while WS and AP work together and maybe especially how the story of the original poster there is panning out. That WS had good intentions...

This is in line with our collective experience. If I were to guestimate then I think that if your wife were to leave her job (or OM the job) the odds of this continuing might be 1/10. With them working together – especially as there is still ongoing interaction and contact – I put it at 6/10. But... that doesn’t mean it will start again but simply that it’s LIKELY to start again.

Now imagine this scenario: If you were told that the risk of serious injury while not wearing a helmet at a construction site was 6/10, but with a helmet it went down to 1/10 – you would be strapping on the helmet. You wouldn’t even imagine going to the site without it.

Look at your very own posts: A couple of times you state how she clearly tells OM something is wrong, shouldn’t happen and/or never will happen. Yet shortly after, she takes her actions a step further: You will never experience being my lover -> a couple of hours detailed description of sexual acts...
I think her intentions when she places her borders are done in good faith. Like you might wake up with an immense hangover and truly state you are off the drink from now. Yet four weeks later there you are downing your third GT in an hour. Like your intention to start exercising.... tomorrow... Intentions are good – actions are better.
Her actions to-date haven’t reflected her stated intentions.
Like the casual non-work related conversations since d-day...

That might be why we question the three month wait... She has no INTENTION to make this an affair, but she might think she can control the level of "friendship" with this man. Our experience indicates the level needs to be zero – nada – zilch. She wants it at friends and cordial. He wants it at sex. After all he is a player with past history.

I truly wish you good fortune.

I don’t see a need or any benefit to hit on you for the three month decision. I might not agree with it and not like it, but as I said previously: you are there and must decide and implement. If you can tolerate that and believe she will take your observations into account... then that’s up to you.

Our advice tends to be based on two main factors: Our personal experience and what we learn from observing others. If I were to base my infidelity advice solely on MY experience, I guess the takeaway would be to never trust hairdressers... I am also fairly certain the majority of hairdressers are faithful spouses, so why should I pass judgement on all based on MY experience? I think I base my advice a lot more on general human behavior, experiences I have seen here on this (and other sites) and experiences I have seen in life.

If you go to the Reconciliation forum you will see a thread about reconciling while working together. I encourage you to read that thread. Both the responses of those that are working at R while WS and AP work together and maybe especially how the story of the original poster there is panning out. That WS had good intentions...

This is in line with our collective experience. If I were to guestimate then I think that if your wife were to leave her job (or OM the job) the odds of this continuing might be 1/10. With them working together – especially as there is still ongoing interaction and contact – I put it at 6/10. But... that doesn’t mean it will start again but simply that it’s LIKELY to start again.

Now imagine this scenario: If you were told that the risk of serious injury while not wearing a helmet at a construction site was 6/10, but with a helmet it went down to 1/10 – you would be strapping on the helmet. You wouldn’t even imagine going to the site without it.

Look at your very own posts: A couple of times you state how she clearly tells OM something is wrong, shouldn’t happen and/or never will happen. Yet shortly after, she takes her actions a step further: You will never experience being my lover -> a couple of hours detailed description of sexual acts...
I think her intentions when she places her borders are done in good faith. Like you might wake up with an immense hangover and truly state you are off the drink from now. Yet four weeks later there you are downing your third GT in an hour. Like your intention to start exercising.... tomorrow... Intentions are good – actions are better.
Her actions to-date haven’t reflected her stated intentions.
Like the casual non-work related conversations since d-day...

That might be why we question the three month wait... She has no INTENTION to make this an affair, but she might think she can control the level of "friendship" with this man. Our experience indicates the level needs to be zero – nada – zilch. She wants it at friends and cordial. He wants it at sex. After all he is a player with past history.

I truly wish you good fortune.

Thanks, Bigger. To be honest I do not think I am going to make it through the three months. She is in the office with him today for the first time in almost two weeks and I am not doing well. I woke up at 3 am and wasnt able to get back to sleep.

I used an analogy with her that you would not expect an alcoholic to work in a liquor store or at a bar. She did not really have an answer for that.

I am going to read that thread now. I appreciate the heads up and the advice, and that goes to all of you who have responded.

The issue isn't entirely if she's hiding it or not. Her maintaining a personal relationship with him is a form of keeping the affair on ice. Maybe she's even lying to herself about it, but her continued communication with her boyfriend isn't because she was worried that his burger would get cold.

Some part of her is testing your boundaries. Some part of her is her testing her own boundaries. All parts of her are not serious about reconciliation if she thinks keeping her boyfriend in her life is a way to save a marriage.

These are facts. My wife would have taken a bullet to the head than betray me again. I still kind of never trusted her again. Your wife is willing to betray you over some dude's burger getting cold.

The issue isn't entirely if she's hiding it or not. Her maintaining a personal relationship with him is a form of keeping the affair on ice. Maybe she's even lying to herself about it, but her continued communication with her boyfriend isn't because she was worried that his burger would get cold.

Some part of her is testing your boundaries. Some part of her is her testing her own boundaries. All parts of her are not serious about reconciliation if she thinks keeping her boyfriend in her life is a way to save a marriage.

These are facts. My wife would have taken a bullet to the head than betray me again. I still kind of never trusted her again. Your wife is willing to betray you over some dude's burger getting cold.

I agree with you. Even if she thinks it is harmless, those little interactions keep a thread alive that shouldn’t be there, and that makes reconciliation a lot harder. At the same time, I am not going to give her an ultimatum about leaving her job. That has to be her choice. If she chooses not to, then I’ll make the choice I need to for myself. The three month thing is something our MC suggested.