SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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Bumping for the new guys and as a reminder to me

I’ve been delaying writing my story. I’m usually good with words as my job requires it. With this, though, i feel it will be very hard to get it down. Bottom line, I’ve been horrible to my BS for soooo long that I don’t see why she should be with me…other than the one thing she tells me…she loves me still. D-Day was 3/13/24. Since that time, I’ve made minimal progress whereas she has done so much to help herself and me. Sure, we’ve had some good times during these months but I wind up creating a crisis that destroys all progress I/we made and she is left, in pain, hurt again by me. What I have done is show her, in many different ways, that I am not committed to her. I say I am but my actions have shown her the opposite. We are currently in a trial-run period of living separately (counselor-suggested) so we can heal ourselves. Even in this circumstance, where we are so close, to D, I’ve lied to her about something stupid just last week. That comes on the heels of me hiding an EA from her even after she begged me to come clean in my disclosure. I didn’t.

Let me give some back story for some context of how horrible I’ve been. We’ve been married for 33 years. Four years into our marriage, with one child here and the 2nd imminently coming, I got flirty with a staff member where i worked. At first it was banter that I liked. I eventually shared with this woman that I thought she was attractive. She liked that and I saw an opening and pushed. We became physical and she was my first PA. It lasted about 7-8 months. We were outed by a co-worker but the boss squelched it. The woman moved on. Even gone from the workplace, we hooked up a few more times before it ended.

Within 5-6 months, I met someone else. Not in the workplace but someone I came across through work. It got physical and she became PA #2. That lasted for 5-6 month until she moved on with the man who she eventually married.

After PA #2, I discovered porn as a masturbation aid. Even though I knew she wouldn’t approve, I did it anyway and lied to her about that. I was more tech-savvy and she trusted me. She’d ask me (and warn me) to my face if I was doing porn and I’d say no…repeatedly. Even after getting caught with when I left it open on my iPad, and getting thrown out of the house for a week, i stopped for only 3-4 months but went back to it. I used porn secretly until D-Day. I came clean about that when confronted. It has lost its appeal though I still get occasional urges (as has masturbation).

Sorry this is so long but I’m not done. In 2018, I began an EA with another worker in my office. That became a PA when we had 2-3 sexual encounters. She was a "work friend" that i did not hide at the office. I hid her from my BS but co-workers could tell i favored this woman. She ended things and left the office in 2022. I lied to my wife (by not telling her any of this) even when confronted.

When the PA ended with my co-worker, I had a one-time PA with someone I met at a store I’d frequent in 2019. We flirted and bonded over sports. I commented how attractive she was, she’d reciprocate and I’d push on that attention until we had sex after closing once. We’d text a lot (including pics she’d send me of her; I’d reciprocate sometimes too). So, it became an EA too. While that was the last PA i had, there were 4 more EAs.

I was discovered when I left texts on my phone. I’d been communicating with someone before and over Covid for 5 years. My BS had no clue as I had everyone fooled. As DaddyDom said, I would seek attention from women to make me feel good. I’d strive to be their hero and help them so they would give me positive me attention and "affection". All this was at the expense of my loyal, supporting BS.

I disclosed much of this too her so incorrectly with no counselor on hand. She would ask and, finally, i caved and told her much more than she ever thought existed. She is devastated and unable to get past the fact that my acting out began when, theoretically, there was no reason. We had it all. We were happy…clearly I wasn’t or I wouldn’t have done what I did. I recognize I’m an SA after so many years of infidelity, porn use, and EAs. I’m in group for that. I just started with a different IC and we are in marriage counseling too.

Bottom line, my R has been horribly destructive as i have lied to her and have had a difficult time putting her first (even horribly so yesterday). We are living apart and she sees no commitment. I’ve made some strides in my behaviors but have floored her too often with crisis after crisis. I really want to find out the WHYs but I don’t know how. I read this post and every reply and need to go back to #1 and read DaddyDom’s instructions again. I don’t have a wonderful memory of my childhood (maybe because nothing really stood out) as I too feel that i am the cause of this and the my childhood was great and had nothing to do with it.

I read the post where DaddyDom said to just post here on this board…I’m starting with this thread. I need to put her first always and have failed to do so. It’s like I’m so out of practice doing that that my brain goes back to what i normally do without thought. Yesterday, i hurt her again. I hope I can figure out my Why b/c she really needs to know why this happened…why i thought it was ok to do this at all.

I think i rambled but i am anxious to start working on my Whys.

Hi PHFA -

You may want to start your own, separate thread. This one is usually just "bumped" to keep it at the top of the page for people to find. Also, you can add a stop sign so that only WS (wayward spouses) will respond.

The Healing Library is at the top of the page, and has a lot of information. There are a couple of posts pinned to the top that are really good for newbies. I'm a BW (betrayed wife), so I don't spend much time in the Wayward forum.

I recommend reading How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Another good resource is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Thanks, leafields. I’ve been hanging around this site for awhile but only now decided to post after reading this thread. I don’t disagree with you about posting my own thread. I’ve enjoyed this thread in particular and hoped it would garner responses from DaddyDom. I’ve read Linda MacDonald’s book and Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss (along with my group and Help Her Heal workbook too).

I need to get to my why. I’ll start my own thread. Thanks for taking the time to post me.

Bump.

Bump

Bump

Bump

I am the betrayed .
I miss Daddy Dom . His threads were the ones my WS read . He advised me too .
I wish he could pop up once in a while to give us more insight .

This was incredibly helpful and I will be sharing my responses with my therapist.

When i got to the real issue: it was abandonment.

Hi LostWings,

Thanks for the mention, it means the world to me to know that my words still help make a difference for some. I felt much the same way as you do, when the amazing WS's that I leaned on in my early years also eventually left. I did manage to connect with a few of them, and they all told me the same thing. That at some point, they had to stop worrying about helping other people, and go focus on their own lives and their own marriages. I can relate to that. There is also a certain amount of "burnout" that happens after a while as well. As we all know, while every WS comes in with their own personal story, it is also the same exact story over and over again. After a while, it can become emotionally draining to keep revisiting the same painful patterns with new members. It is in my nature to help others, and I have an ability to express things in a way that people seem to relate to. But I also can't be around forever, and sometimes new people don't step up until others step down. It is sad, but unavoidable.

"ISurvivedSoFar" and I are 9 years out now. We are still together, still married, still working on things. We live a quiet life and are happy. We've moved a few times and just moved again recently, and found a quiet little home in a quiet little town with a lovely view of the mountains, with good neighbors, and my sister lives 10 minutes away (for the first time in our lives). Our oldest daughter recently got married. Her husband has a child from a previous marriage, so she’s now a step-mom, and we’re step-grandparents. Our youngest daughter graduated college and moved into her own apartment and is doing well in her career, and our son (who is autistic) has been on his own for about 9 years as well and doing well helping other autistic kids in the school system. We both lost our IT jobs, and had to reinvent ourselves professionally, but we've managed to do so, for now. I know politics are "no bueno" on SI, so I'll suffice to say that things in the USA and abroad are stressing both of us out to no end, and so we do our best to focus on what we can control, and what makes us happy. Next year will be our 30th wedding anniversary. We are starting to think about what we'd like to do to celebrate. We still talk about the affair now and then, but the topic is completely defused, and we can discuss it in depth and at length without anger or defensiveness. It is "part of our story, but not the whole story".

I still struggle with the knowledge and the pain of what I did and the viciousness I did it with. It is one of those things that permeates and eats away at your soul if you allow it to. The lack of ability to undo things is devastating, and that’s a wound I’ve learned may never fully heal. I continue to focus on the future however, and being a better husband and person in the present and in all things. While I love and respect myself so much more these days, part of that respect comes from being real about my own actions and reasons. You can only love yourself if you can love the shitty parts too, you know?

I was recently diagnosed with thyroid cancer. The good news is that it’s papillary thyroid carcinoma (PTC), one of the most treatable types, with over a 95% survival rate. I’ll likely need to have my thyroid removed and be on medication for life, but for most people, that’s the end of the story. I was lucky, doctors discovered the nodules by accident while testing for something else.

I do still talk with a friend from SI, and I would be happy to help anyone who reaches out to me. I just don't read the boards anymore, not actively. Every now and then I'll get a message from a response (like this one) and pop in to see what's going on, but most of the posts I see have been responded to, and nothing I add would make much difference.

WS's - The very best thing you can do for both yourselves and your marriages is to get some therapy and work on understanding exactly who you are as a person, and why having an affair seems/seemed like a reasonable course of action. At the end of the day, while you betrayed your marriage and that was awful, the even more awful thing is that you betrayed yourself. People who respect themselves don't have affairs, people who don't feel worthy of their own love and respect do. The reason people on SI constantly suggest therapy is because a lack of self-love and self-respect really is at the root of so much pain and destructive behavior. Fix this, learn to be someone that you can respect and appreciate, and you will be AMAZED at how much of your life "comes together" and how much healing and forgiveness can occur. It's only impossible if you make it so.

BS's - Do whatever you need to do to protect yourselves. WS's are NOT safe to be around when they are in "the fog", and until you see "real" remorse and understanding, it is better to not open any emotional doors. Change is possible for the WS, but it’s rare and takes real courage, effort, and time. Trust your gut, and if you do choose to stay, do so knowing that neither of you is likely ready to heal as a couple until you both heal as individuals, at least to some degree. Once the WS can take honest and complete ownership of their actions and drop the defensiveness, and once you feel safe enough around them to "open a window" and allow some carefully selected vulnerability to occur, then the world can open up to you both in terms of reconciliation. Just my two cents.

Thanks again for reaching out, and feel free to DM me. I'm slow to respond sometimes, but I will get back to you.