SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Can something be done to get past the evasion and avoidance?

I’m sure it’s mostly her. I don’t presume to know what it’s like exactly. But if this goes on your marriage is done. That’s okay, really, but don’t limp there.

Is marriage counseling happening at the moment or are you in a hiatus? It sounds like a counsellor might help her explain what happened in her words. Surely a letter can’t cut it.

Ink, I'm so sorry it's gone this way for you. I remember when things started to look up for the two of you.

I find her explanation incredibly vexing. I can't get over how she sought him out and initiated this conversation with him when she had so many other choices to get information about the car. Surely she knew at least one other person to talk to! She could have Googled it. She could have asked for your advice on someone to talk to. She had options. I'm sorry to say I believe her "taking a risk" had more to do with getting validation and a sympathetic ear to vent about you to instead of whatever advice she may have needed about the car.

If your father was an alcoholic, then what was modeled for you was likely a marriage fraught with codependency. As you explore your foo, it may help to look at where you learned those patterns because for me it helps me cement what to look for in my own thoughts and behaviors.

The affects of growing up in a broken home marred by alcoholism and infidelity, those need more exploring in IC, no doubt, and reading. Two years ago my wife and I would have been viewed as pretty model people. Now I feel like even without the affair we both seem like walking dumpster fires. I’m sure we’re all broken, but damn, how did I not see this stuff? There are enormous organizations like Alanon and AA out there, and I was arrogant enough to think I just rose above it all.

You're beating yourself up again, Ink. Save the undersea exploration for when your immediate decision making is behind you. I say this as one who went the deep diving route after D-Day 1, and all it did was make me feel like I was fated to end up in dysfunction, so then that weakens us.

Two years ago my wife and I would have been viewed as pretty model people. Now I feel like even without the affair we both seem like walking dumpster fires. I’m sure we’re all broken, but damn, how did I not see this stuff?

And on top of that, you need oxygen every minute of your life, and a fresh source of water every damn day (needy). You also get pissed whenever someone cuts you off in traffic I betcha

I think we are all walking dumpster fires, for some of us though it is probably just old cardboard burning but for others it is a toxic chemical sludge.

That your WW did what she did and what she said to try to explain herself, says an awful lot. The reason why your marriage is ending is because of HER actions--both her affair and her extremely subpar efforts after to R with you. And after all this, her first concern is herself and HER pain...not YOU and YOUR pain or the pain she caused YOUR FAMILY. Selfish and no remorse indeed!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 9:23 PM, Monday, March 18th]

I’m still that type of arrogant mate, if I’m honest. There’s a certain amount of magical thinking in me that if I just hold my nerve the monsters will get bored and leave. That’s kind of true but not the best of ways to live methinks. I am trying my best to find an honest ad good way through.

In my country there is a famous sportsman named Steven Bradbury. Australia is not big in winter sports because it’s not cold here. Steven won winter Olympic gold because he was coming last in the speed skating final and everyone in front crashed. He just sailed through and over the line. It has given rise to an expression ‘doing a Bradbury’.

God damn it Ink, I'm sorry you are in this place my brother. I can feel a bit what you are dealing with. I see your journey as a preview of where mine will eventually end up. I hate it, it sucks, and I wish we never had to experience these feelings and emotions. Fighting so damn hard to make things work only to feel like it's just been years of pain and a huge waste of time, and for what! I have been doing EMDR the last 3 months and it has helped me realize who I am, what I'm worth, and if I need to be happy and my wife isn't cutting it then I am willing to move along. I wish I had more words of encouragement but so much has been said already and I don't know what else I can add other than to say I'm feeling your pain as you go through it. I stand by what I said a while back about grabbing a cold one with you some day. I kind of feel like you're the brother I never had. Hang tough buddy.

I’m still that type of arrogant mate, if I’m honest. There’s a certain amount of magical thinking in me that if I just hold my nerve the monsters will get bored and leave.

Our paths re-merge here. I fully recognize this. And it’s true, many problems can be waiting out, I’ve found. But many can’t and using this little trick can be very counter productive if you misclassify the type of problem you are dealing with.

It has given rise to an expression ‘doing a Bradbury’.

New tattoo idea?

And to answer your previous question, I don’t see a reliable way thru the obfuscation from her. MC has not done it, no body has held her to account on shit like this or helped bridge the gap. She is cagey and brief, and I have decided that there is no good explanation possible for this so I choose to not dive into trying. And I didn’t even mention that when I got home this weekend that when it became clear that her "I made a mistake" apology with no explanation wasn’t going to move me, she actually counter accused me of cheating on my business trip. I’m not working with someone that I can get back on track with. I don’t think I want to anymore, I really don’t.

Wow, that's a new low. Um ummmm ummmm. So sorry, but may this shine a little more light on your path.

Your WW if anything sounds as wayward as ever. Accusing you of cheating on a business trip no basis, on top of everything else. Wow.

I should warn you though...if you hold off on filing, it is reading that there is quite a possibility that your WW may end up filing first. And even though the end result is the same--you end up D--there is something about that psychologically "gets" a lot of us...'she decided to cheat and SHE was the one who decided to file'. You may want to get your agency and file sooner rather than later.

I don't know how clear I was in my last post. It is like when a relationship is ending and your partner is treating you poorly, it is a big deal psychologically for many people to get to be the one to announce that the relationship is over, instead of waiting for the other person to do so. 'Better to be the dumper than the dumpee', that sort of thing.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:34 PM, Tuesday, March 19th]

And I didn’t even mention that when I got home this weekend that when it became clear that her "I made a mistake" apology with no explanation wasn’t going to move me, she actually counter accused me of cheating on my business trip. I’m not working with someone that I can get back on track with. I don’t think I want to anymore, I really don’t.

There's a pejorative that I wanted to use to describe your wife at that moment, but then I realized it would be inaccurate, as she lacks both warmth and depth.

There's a pejorative that I wanted to use to describe your wife at that moment, but then I realized it would be inaccurate, as she lacks both warmth and depth.

You are being too clever (but not devastating enough). I don’t get it.

To take a stab at BluerThanBlue's post...

Can U Negate Terribleness?

See what I did there? Capitalization is our friend!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:10 PM, Tuesday, March 19th]

Oh my

#devestating

#veryclever
#noheavymetal

[This message edited by InkHulk at 8:26 PM, Tuesday, March 19th]

she actually counter accused me of cheating on my business trip.

This infuriates me,on your behalf.

She made a choice to purposely cross a major boundary..when the two of you were already on shaky ground, thanks to her actions, and inactions, and because you don't shrug it off, she accusses you of doing something vile.

What the absolute fuck??!!

You're detaching from her and she doesn't like it. Before, she was in control somewhat because you were giving "not going anywhere" energy. Now she feels you moving away from her and she's panicking and acting out.

Now she feels you moving away from her and she's panicking and acting out.

This.

I don't believe she has ever really,really thought you would go anywhere..now she realizes she's loosing control of you..and it's freaking her out.

A ww,who realizes she's losing control of her BH, are notoriously dangerous.

I'm going to tell you what I tell all BH in this situation. Carry a var on you. All the time. Ww's like to claim dv when they loose control.

I know..she would never do that.

Better safe, than sorry

You're detaching from her and she doesn't like it. Before, she was in control somewhat because you were giving "not going anywhere" energy. Now she feels you moving away from her and she's panicking and acting out.

Agree. I had hoped she’d be able to explain her actions. The fact she was home all week and had time to come up with something, anything at all, and all she musters is accusing you of cheating? I can’t make it remotely make sense. I am sorry, Ink. Actually I am sorry for both of you. The tide was seemingly getting ready to turn, I don’t know if part of her feared that or what but this one feels out in left field to me.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:29 PM, Tuesday, March 19th]

Anyone got recommendations on good var's?