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FWIW I think you are at a very common – and maybe expected – place in your healing.

I think that maybe especially for men the initial reaction is something of a "reclaim" what’s ours. We want to get all "our stuff" back into a corral, set up rules to protect it and then wait and see what threats are out there. Only... once we reclaim, we might look at what we have and wonder if its worth it. I think you might be at that place emotionally right now.

I can’t say if it is worth it or not. Many here have divorced despite a seemingly remorseful spouse, many have reconciled and realized that "true" remorse might not come until the WS fully realized the impact of what they did.

What I can share is that for ME – what I have experienced – is that when dealing with hard issues or choices I tend to find a calmness and determination once I have reached a decision. It’s something I realized that guy who amputated his own arm in that gully in Utah experienced – once he had his options lined up and had decided what and when he had to do... he felt content about his decision.

I would suggest that while you aren’t determined, aren’t committed... then maybe just keep a holding pattern and focus on self-healing for now. Irrespective of R or D you need to heal.

The big risk in doing that is when the holding pattern becomes the new norm. That you definitely don’t want... One suggestion might be to note a date on a calendar, maybe 15th of next January, and set aside 4 hours to seriously contemplate where you are at then.

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A couple of minor issues:

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What do the kids know? I am certain they know there are issues between their mom and dad. How is this impacting them?

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Are expectations clear? Like IF she had made a comment about the movie... would you be complaining that she has removed your ability to enjoy movies? Is the fact she made no comment the issue, or is it just a vent?

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Stick to your medications, but if you aren’t physically active then start now. I realize you have mobility issues, but physiotherapy, weights, maybe a stationary bike... Get physically tired.

I have realized since working a lot from home, that when I am at the office and interact with people I feel a lot more tired. If you spend a lot of time alone, try to find people to interact with.

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Personally – with a 17-year marriage and 2 adolescent kids – I find this going to her parents or your mom to Thanksgiving a bit... well... high-schooly...

Is it a family tradition? Where will the kids be?

Why aren’t you two celebrating YOUR Thanksgiving? Could invite your mom over.

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I think understanding the why is very important. I think it’s super-important for the WS because without understanding the true reason you can’t really prevent a possible repeat. For us BS... its important for our healing. However... I think that an early "why" is likely to be doubtful. In this instance it might be hidden behind some alcohol, didn’t-feel-valued, didn’t-think-it-would-harm-anyone sort of "poor-me-I’m-not-really-responsible" cloak. Basically I think it might take some serious therapy and self-work to maybe stand in front of you in 6-12 months and honestly state that the reason was self-induced and the consequence of several conscious and thought out decisions that were wrongly justified by her.

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Same with remorse... I think she has remorse, and that remorse might be getting caught, or having been caught, or having done what she did, or based on self-pity. It takes time for the TRUE remorse to break through IMHO. The remorse for having made a series of decisions and taken a series of actions that you somehow falsely justified to yourself and that caused those that you care most for such immense pain, PLUS letting yourself down.

Often, I find all these posts demanding instant full remorse and understanding of the "whys" not realistic, and would probably lead to very shallow reconciliation or divorce.

I think that maybe one of the toughest things about reconciling is that to reconcile you need to get some semblance of feeling better in your relationship. Only – in doing so it seems like the ws also gets a semblance of feeling better. That in turn might infuriate and confuse us – how come she get’s to feel better, when it’s HER that caused the problem?

It takes some time to realize that there is no "fair" in infidelity, and nobody "wins" or gets a better deal. You are recovering with the person that cause the pain

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:20 PM, Tuesday, November 19th]

It hadn't dawned on me until Bigger's comment but going as a family anywhere for a holiday so soon after d day is the last thing I would want to do. If you want to be alone fine, but spending holidays at home as a family as a c9nsequence of her affair is completely legitimate option. I certainly would not want to pretend in front of her family for 1-2 days but would want to be near my kids.

Good way to live:

Don’t threaten something you WON’T do
Don’t promise something you CAN’T do.

@bigger, as much as I appreciate your thought out response, I don’t understand why my not wanting to be with my wife and her family is an issue. I know it will be very triggering for me, and I love them, I love the tradition, and I know it may be over. To be clear, this is not a big thing to the kids. I am laying it down that WS already committed to go. My mom is not very mobile, and I found out that she would be alone. My son wants to see my mom, my daughter wants to hang with her cousins. I promise I put zero pressure on them. They are all I care and think about.

Hi Unthoughtknown75,

When it comes to any 'family' event, you need to do what works or feels right to you. If it would be difficult to spend time with your wife's family, it is best to not do that. Thanksgiving is celebration, and you may not be in a celebratory mood. You may not feel like plastering on a fake smile and 'playing nice' for a couple of days, which is understandable. There is the potential for some kind of blow-up related to recent events that could spoil the visit for all concerned, so spending time with your Mom will be 'safer' than that (as well as being nice for your Mom).

Wanting some space away from your wife is also understandable, and if that is what you need, you should do that. It sounds like your kids won't be too upset by it, as they have their own ideas about where they want to be. Some time away from your wife may be good for you, as I imagine things have been pretty intense at home. It will be good for you to be able to spend time with your Mom and focus on something else for a change.

Our thoughts are with you.

Utk75,

You signed no contract or owe anyone an explanation, if you don't want any part of her family's celebrations. The high road is sometimes very slippery and should be avoided for one's own mental health...

Enjoy your time with your mama and the kids. Life is too short 👊

Note I didn’t question your reluctance to go be with her family or even you being with your mom. I questioned why you and your family are not doing your own Thanksgiving after all these years.

As in you carving your own turkey at your own dinner-table with your own family as in you, wife, kids... heck... even your mom at YOUR table all happy and content with not having to do all the work...

It was just a question and there is an answer in your reply.

I appreciate traditions, and I will always respect my mom, so I get it if you want to spend time with her.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:34 PM, Wednesday, November 20th]

As in you carving your own turkey at your own dinner-table with your own family as in you, wife, kids... heck... even your mom at YOUR table all happy and content with not having to do all the work...

That might be your tradition Bigger, but it’s certainly not everyone’s. Glad to see you coming back and respecting OP’s family traditions, as is their right to do however they please.