SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi

Yes, she was a very lovely lady and I felt very comfortable with her. I told her about my childhood,family and about the relationship I had with him. It was very hard but I did it anyways. I have already another appointment with her this friday.
I also went to my doctor today and told her that I was not ready to go back to work so I got a notice of illness? (is that the right word for it), she also got me sleeping pills and I got tested for all of the STD's. So im nervous of what the result will be in 3-4 days. But I feel a bit more relaxed after today so.. Yeah.

I have decided that Im going to try to attend my further education and see what its like. I can always drop out later if its too much, but im trying so thats good enough for me.

Well done on attending therapy and seeing your doctor!

Self-care is a very necessary part of this journey.

The benefits are vast and may even surprise you.

All the best!

Hello Miss Sunshine (love your user name!)

I am posting for the first time because my story reminds me so much of yours. Many many years ago, I was in the same position you are in. I was engaged to my true love, and looking forward to spending my life with him. Halfway through our engagement, I found a letter written to him from a woman in Texas, a place he traveled to for work several times a year. I don't remember what it said, but it was clear that this was both a physical and emotional affair. I was devastated.

But I loved him so much. I let him talk me into coming back with the promise that it would never happen again. We did get married, and then, I traveled with him from place to place for our work. While traveling, I found phone numbers of other girls. I got angry, and we fought, but yes, he talked me back to him. (It probably didn't take much. I wanted to believe him so much.)

Some time went by, and one day, while cleaning, I found another letter. It was from the girl in Texas letting him know she had had his baby; a boy. I was shocked. And devastated. I always thought we would one day start a family...but...he had already started one. With someone else. I tried to get past it. The cheating, the baby, the collecting of others' numbers, but I looked into my future and didn't like what I saw. Years of hoping and praying that one day he'd change. That one day, I would be enough for him. I left him and he begged me to come back. For years he tried, but I was done.

It is now about 25 years since this happened. I am married to a good man. He loves me and would never cheat on me. He is a good and honest man. My first love was so charming, and seemed so sincere, but I have no doubt, that had I stayed, I would have spent years of my life wondering why I wasn't enough, and why he wouldn't change for me. I am so grateful for the girl I was back then. The girl (because I was 19 when I married him.) who had the wisdom and the courage to walk away and to make a new life for herself. Look carefully into your future, and make your decisions for the person you will become. Go to school, hold your head high, and live your beautiful life in a way that gives you the best chance for future happiness. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it.

Oh, and that first love? He's been in and out of relationships, and can't seem to stop himself from catting around. There's something missing inside of him that he's trying to fill. Don't try to fill a cheater's void. There's not enough love in the world to repair it.

[This message edited by FunHouseMirror at 5:09 PM, Wednesday, September 21st]

Thank you HardKnocks, I really appreciate it. I hope I can get some positivity in my life or something to keep me motivated.

Also thank you FunHouseMirror.

I am sorry to hear that you went through something like that but im also glad that it seems like you found your way out and got your happy ending.

Its just that I feel like he got me so wrapped around his finger and he knows it. He knows that I did everything to make him smile even when I had a bad day because when I saw the smile on his face..I would feel so much better. I feel sometimes that all of these things that happened was my fault or that I wasn't a good girlfriend.. i dont know...He texted me late last night and told me that his birthday was shit to celebrate without me and that he misses me so much. He sends me a couple of videoes of his birthday a couple of years ago when I suprised him with alot of stuff and did all these nice things. ( He has a history of having shitty birthdays so he wasn't keen on celebrating it before he met me). So I made sure that all of his birthday was filled with love and care. After he sent these messages last night, I felt so bad and just really awful.

Im just thinking that I want things to get better so bad and have this wonderful life with him, but everytime I imagine my future with him, all I see is this child he is expecting with someone else and all the times he cheated on me. When he's saying all these nice words again its just..I feel so confused and more confused when I think about it more and ends up breaking my own heart. When I think about all these nice things he is saying to me and then I remember what he did, it always feel like it ends with a but..but..but.

I feel like this is not the right way to be treated or having so much doubt, fear,sadness and feeling hurt all the time in an normal relationship. I thought that what I had with him was normal or that was just he told me since he knew I didnt have an clue in relationships.. This all just sucks so hard.

[This message edited by MssSunshine at 9:53 PM, Wednesday, September 21st]

Hello MssSunshine,

I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

All I would add is, if your 20 year old daughter came to you with this story, how would you advise her?

You are someone's daughter. I wish you well.

[This message edited by CuriousObserver at 1:09 AM, Thursday, September 22nd]

I know I am a sweet and kind girl so I told him that the past doesn't need to define him as long as he doesnt make the same mistanke again with me.

MssSunshine, this statement struck out at me. How from a young age we are socialized to be "sweet and kind" girls, and tolerate a lot of disrespect. I’ve been 18 and in love before, I remember that heady feeling. I empathize a lot. I’m so sorry your first love didn’t appreciate you and love you the same. Think about this, how much you love him, would you ever do anything like this to him? Never. He does not love you, and I don’t even think he believes that he does, he’s extremely manipulative and capitalized on a less experienced 18 year old who likes to believe the best in everyone. He has shown you multiple times who he is, but you’re in love, so you may not have learned your lesson yet. Rationally, the biggest predictor of a person’s future behavior is their past behavior. Perhaps your ex at some point in the future can be faithful, highly unlikely, but for certain, he cannot be faithful to you. You’ve accepted a lot of disrespectful behavior, open and blatant cheating, and it took him getting someone pregnant that you have stood up for yourself. However you are playing with fire and liable to fall for his charm again. He will never be faithful to you if you take him back because he knows he doesn’t have to be because you’ll just keep taking him back. The best thing for you to do is quit him. Look at him like a drug. Of course everything feels like crap and it felt good to get a hit of him. You’re addicted. But he’s no good. You can’t get over him if you remain enmeshed. Unfortunately it’s probably best to move on from his family as well. Cheaters don’t think at all how their actions have widespread consequences and affect relationships of all connected. Because cheaters only consider themselves. Congratulations on school and I’m so happy you’re in therapy.

Miss Sunshine,

Please listen to Aletheia. She is so right.

I also remember doing very special things for my ex husband's birthday and other holidays. I remember how I felt about him. Like my heart would burst with love for him. As beautiful and lovely as those feelings were, the pain of his lies and his cheating, were just as low. It's been close to forty years now. Forty years. And I can still feel everything I felt back then.

Here's a secret that nobody ever tells you; we don't change. We don't change (much) from the people we are in our late teens and early twenties. Yes, we may grow some, (physically, mentally and emotionally) but who we are at our core, is who we carry throughout our lives. I swear I am still that same 19 year old girl who fell in love with that young man. But now I see him for who he is and was. I don't blame myself because I was naive and looking through love-blinded eyes. But I sure wish I had made better decisions.

I hope that you are not me thirty some years from now, looking back, and wishing you would have chosen a wiser (and happier) course. You don't see it, but the whole world is in front of you, and it is filled with people; some who will live up to your ideals, and some who won't. If nothing else, take a break for a year or two. If you still need this person in your life, maybe revisit it then. But I think you will find in time that he doesn't hold the same allure that he once did.

Thank you guys for guiding me and giving me advice. I just needed a little break from this after I read your messages. It gave me alot to think about. I am still in therapy and I told my therapist about this site and and she adviced me alot to listen to you guys, my parents, my friends and myself. Its exactly one month today since we broke up, even tho im still heartbroken and sometimes cant even believe the situasion im in.. I sometimes feel relieved. I met him earlier this week because he dropped of the last of my stuff he forgot to pack, but before he came we had heated argument about the money he owns me. If it where a small amount, I wouldnt care at all, but this is a pretty big amount he had borrowed from me over several years and have failed to pay me back. I gave him a warning that he needed to give me all of the money before New year, but he refused. Saying that he is broke, he cant give me that big of amount all at Once,telling me he had to pay me back little by little. Then I told him I do not accept that and asked him when the baby arrives in January, how is you going to pay me and support yourself and IF the baby is your support your own child and also pay child support. How are you going to manage that? All he answered was that he need to figure it out and will deal with it. I told him that its not good enough for me and I will go to his parents and tell them about the situasion. (the parents dont know about the money and I wouldnt do it if I wasnt in such a good relationship with them). He just got really angry with me, lashing out on me, being so rude and mean.. Telling me that I didnt care for him and so on. After I met him, I havent had any contact with him. I want to sometimes but no. I dont want to be with someone so manipulative and I really think that I do deserve better and there is someone out there Who is going to treat me right. I'm trying to keep my distance and only contact him when he is going to send me the money.
This is the third week since I started school, even though I feel like crying when im there, I feel a little proud everytime I dont. Tomorrow im meeting my two bestfriend for the first time since everything, its a little step.. But its something. Im actually really looking forward to meeting them again.

After I met him, I havent had any contact with him. I want to sometimes but no.

Good good good!! NC (no contact) is your very best friend right now!

I dont want to be with someone so manipulative and I really think that I do deserve better and there is someone out there Who is going to treat me right.

You damn right there's better out there for you. You sound very kind and smart and independent. Any good man would be lucky to have you!

I'm trying to keep my distance and only contact him when he is going to send me the money.

Just a suggestion, but I would tell his parents and use them as an intermediary if they are willing to do so. ANY contact you have with him for ANY reason hurts you.

This is the third week since I started school, even though I feel like crying when im there, I feel a little proud everytime I dont. Tomorrow im meeting my two bestfriend for the first time since everything, its a little step.. But its something. Im actually really looking forward to meeting them again.

You should be very proud of yourself. You sound like you're making big strides in your healing.

MssSunshine - RUN, RUN as fast as you can. You are so young and he's OLD (well.. certainly not a 'boy') and if you stick with him, you have already SEEN what your life will be like. So RUN because there is a one-woman man out there who will love and cherish you.

Sooooo Mr Wonderful doesn’t want to pay you what he owes you. And he got angry and mean and nasty.

Guess he’s now showing you his true self. The one who refuses to be decent and repay his debts. The one who chooses to not be honest and accept responsibility for his choices, like borrowing money and repaying it.

You are lucky you can take a step back and see the REAL him.

Smart girl - stay in school - stay away from him snd enforce the "no contact" rule. Permanently.

Go to his parents for the money. That’s your only hope of getting it.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:52 AM, Sunday, October 2nd]

Way back when I was your age, I had a boyfriend who was my first everything. One night, after I had surgery, and couldn't sleep one night like 3 days after I got out of the hospital, I went over to his apartment to surprise him, and found him in bed with another woman. I was devastated, and dumped him right then, right there. It took me a long time to recover, but I'm so glad that, even though I thought at the time that my broken heart would actually kill me, I dumped him right on the spot.

Over 10 years later, I ran into him. I had chalked up his cheating to the fact that we were both young and immature. But when I saw him again, guess who was still an immature jerk who didn't even bother to apologize for the way things had ended? Yup, that first serious boyfriend. I realized then that I had dodged a bullet, and was absolutely sure that I had made the right decision all those years ago.

I've never met his wife, but I've seen pictures (My BFF happens to work where he does and sends me updates). She is the most downtrodden sad looking woman I've ever seen in my life. Of course I asked my BFF if she's really that sad or if she just doesn't photograph well, and my BFF assures me that she's sad and meek and not at all sure of herself. I feel bad for her because it doesn't take a genius to figure out what has brought her down. She LIVES with that jerk, and it's clearly visible what he's done to her spirit.

Don't choose to be the woman with a spirit that's been broken by a bad, selfish, manipulative man.

You deserve more than what he brings to the relationship.

Bump

.

[This message edited by Notagain6526 at 5:47 PM, Wednesday, March 15th]

Oh just realising this is old post.

Hello guys.

Its been awhile now, a couple of months since I last posted.I hope you guyes are well. Before I jump in to the topic I need to get off my chest I can say that these couple of months have been a rollercoster for me.

I have been using this time to heal, going to therapy, going to school and work and its actually been great. Last month I quit going to therapy since my therapist said that I actually dont need to go to her anymore since I've been doing better and seeing life from another perspective and I'm glad.

I haven't had any contact with him, other than the money he ows me. The good thing is he started paying me back, I have to message him once a month if he tries to ''forget'' to pay me on a spesific date, but other than that, no contact. I do not respond to him when he's tried to contact me even to cuss me out.

I have started working out more and going alot more out to meet my friends, I no longer have the fear of stepping outside the house, speaking of houses..I just bought my first home this monday. I cant really believe it yet that I'm going to move out of my parents home and in to my own..It's just this amazing feeling and the best of all, I'm going to live there ALONE. I can't wait to have nobody around me

Anyhow, as I was saying, I've been so great. Of course, I have those bad days, but I awlays got that grip on myself now and remind me that he's trash and doesn't deserve me and that always keeps me going.

I feel that my mind is finally at peace, I dont how to explain the feeling I had for the past couple of months after the breakup..it's like, I feel like my own person, I feel like I can make decisions without having to worry about him, I can do what I want without thinking about what he is going to say or do..most important, I'm finally starting to feel happy with myself. Like, my personality I had when I was with him was completely changed, right now I really do feel like myself and its sometimes really wierd when I think about how much he changed me and that girl I was wasn't me, I became someone he like'd me to be and it didn't sit right with me. I feel like my own person and I'm so so proud of myself. Also that im not with him anymore, that's the best decision I had ever made in my enitre life. Thanks to you guys, my friends and family. I feel like I owe you guys the world since the advices you gave me, has been a breath of fresh air and a new reality to me.So..thank you, again.

Now, more to the topic I've been having in my mind lately. Since the day I started to feel like myself and feeling good, I've been thinking about stuff that he did to me during our relationship. Spesifically, one incident really stuck with me. If this is too much for someone I understand, but I really dont know what to do or think if thats the right word or say something to my friends and family.

So, okay, this is about maybe 3 years ago, we are laying on the couch and watching TV, suddenly he wanted to get intimate with me, started kissing me and so on..I said no to him. I wasn't unclear in my voice or anything, I sad no because I didn't want to do it and I didn't feel like it. I tried to laugh it away while I was saying no, I said that we can do it another time. I was afraid to say too much to make him upset or ''mad'' because he didn't get what he wanted. But then, he thought that I was playing hard to get so he started to take my clothes off and that really did something to me. I said no loud and clear, it can not be misunderstood about the way I said it. He didn't really believe me again and he's a man and much stronger than me, so he flipped me on my stomach, held me down and yes well... you Get the idea.

In that moment I remember so clearly, my whole body froze. It's like all my strength in my body dissappeared, all I did was lay there, be quiet and silently cry while waiting for him to be finished. I still remember the feeling so well. After a while he stopped when he saw my tears and immidietly pulled out and sat back and was totally quiet. Finally I did get up, threw a blanket over my body and laid there. I felt my whole body shiver and looking at him made me so disguested. I told him angrily that he can not do that to me again and that I said no, several times. He didn't answer me right away, just stared blankely straight forward then he said that he thought that I was playing hard to get even when I said no, He thought that I actually ment yes since I started laughing in the beginning. I didn't dare to say it out loud to him, but I thought it, about what this situasion mean..but then he said that I made him feel really bad, like awfull about what just happened. That struck me, how did I make him feel bad about that ? Immidietly I felt guilt, he didn't want to look at my or talk to me. I thought that maybe I wasn't clear about what I wanted ? Maybe I actually ment yes even when I said no. He barely talked to me after that incident, suddenly a couple of days after, it was like nothing happened for him. But I wasn't over it, I thought about it so much after that, kept it to myself, didn't dare to say anything to anyone since he said that it made him feel awful. For me it took a really long time to ''forget'' it, but now I have been thinking about it nonstop for some time now and im just really confused of what is right about this. Did I really misread the situasion ? Was it actually my fault that I wasnt clear about what I wanted ? I can't do anything about that incident now, what I wanted was to come to terms with what this means and move on and continue to heal, but I feel like im stuck, like i've sat this whole incident on pause in the back of my mind, only now did I hit play again and I dont know what to do..

So yeah, thats been on my mind lately, thank you for reading and helping me.

I apologies if there are any error in my writing.

[This message edited by MssSunshine at 9:13 PM, Saturday, March 18th]

I'm so sorry you went through that. It's just another sign of his disrespect for you.

I am actually shocked he's paying you back. Just never count on that money. Consider it "found" money because I seriously doubt he will continue paying you until it's paid off.

I'm so glad you're doing so many wonderful things to move your life forward. Someday this will just seem like a bad dream and you will be living your best life.

Yeah, its been somewhat disturbing to me. Because the more I thought about it, the more I started to question myself
if its was okay what he did, because thats what im thinking since at the time I was so in love with him. I thought that this is just normal and okay..

Me too, we had huge argument two months ago. Him telling that he dont have the time to waste on me. I told him that I dont want to contact him every month and have to go through this conversation every single time just because he dont have the money since the baby was born and that I will continue to talk to his parents (they know about the money and they agree with me) and that I dont want to have him in my life. Then he just exploded on me, telling me I shouldn't bother talking to his parents and threaten him about that. I told him that this isn't threatning him, its about responsebility which he dont have of his life and so on...The next day he sent me some money.

It's the exactly the same what my dad told me. I'm not counting on that money anymore, if I get some that's great if not, it's just going to be an expensive lesson. I doubt he is going to pay me back all the money, if so, its going to take him atleast a couple of years and that I wont do.

I also talked to his mother in December, she said they havent done the paternity test (is that the right word) so they or him isn't 100% sure if the child is his. I had a couple of my collegues at work who saw him at the mall with the baby and the babymama a little while ago, they told me that they didn't seem happy. They where arguing and my collegues told me that they both looked so tired and rough in the face. This made me both sad and happy at the same time, like, it was this dream all coming through...butin the end, im so much more happier than I was with him.
And he also lost is driverslicens ( which I helped him get, I gave him lessons), he drove almost 50 km over the actual speed limit. He got a really expensive ticket and cant drive for maybe 2 or 3 years and have to redo all the tests after if he's going to get his licens back. This made me of course really happy and immidietly thought that..this is karma, at its finest.

MssSunshine, he raped you. You said no, and it doesn't matter if you giggled. Things should never have gone past the second no - he heard you loud and clear and violated you anyway.

He's beyond selfish. So sorry you had to go through the pain of that.

Congratulations on your new home! It is nice to do what you want when you want.

Leafields, I was afraid to think that because its quite serious what he did but maybe, just maybe did I overreact or misread something. I thought that the way he reacted after the incident was it maybe my fault or it was okay since he was my boyfriend at the time.

Yeah..I have never meet someone like him, I texted him last night that he can send some of the money he ows me, then he replied that I can shut the f up about bothering him and that its my problem. It just made me sad that someone I was engaged to Are treating me so so bad. Anyways, I am meeting his parents tomorrow to talk about the money and to catch up a bit. I cant keep contacting him every month and mentally prepare to be exhausted and argue with him. After he time me to shut up, that was the last straw. I hope the meeting with his parents tomorrow will be okay…

Thank you so much! Im so excited!