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In addition to feeling supportive of your FULLY JUSTIFIED anger towards an unrepentant a-hole, I am also very happy for you that you are so young! You have a wonderful daughter, and you both can escape that excremental being and have a good life. Just an observation. I know life is not fair; that is what "everybody" told me in my worst moments. But you have a chance and the will to shape something better, and I am glad for you.

I used my anger to demand specific actions. This greatly reduced arrogance on her part. My anger has served its purpose.

Can it be that you have a strong sense of justice? Anger is a reaction to unfairness. What (kinda) helps me is to view this situation less from a position of fairness and more from a position of opportunity - what does life want me to do now? Having some spiritual training, I can deepen my practice and serve others better.

Let's face it, spouses who cheat have leeched our mental energy for years - they cannot sustain their self-esteem and require yours. You might have gotten used to it because you had a lot of energy. Now that's not your problem any longer.

Selfish people will always do whatever they want, for the simply cannot see any other's point of view.

I feel for you and I know you are struggling....trust me (I've been on this board for over 15 years) and one day you will not GIVE A DAMN about him and his pathetic life.

Keep being kind, loving and rise above this selfish person. You will find yourself and he will have no air space in your mind!

I'm so sorry about your friend with cancer and everything you are going through, it's a hectic time and he doesn't deserve to be in your mind.

Take care and keep going. You are next to your DD, that is what matters!

IR, everyone around me tells me I’m still so young but I definitely don’t feel it. In fact I feel like I’ve wasted half my life on this assbag and waste the other half trying to recover from this. The other day my friend asked me to consider this single guy as he seems great, but beyond the betrayal trauma I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to date or consider a serious relationship, nor do I want to let anyone on.

ZDZD, interesting thought re: whether anger is due to a sense of justice I have. I know I’m furious for DD’s sake and the trauma this will inflict on her, but I’ve also gotten some clarity on other things that seem to be driving my anger, for example:

How could his family not reach out to me at all? I’m the mother of their grandchild, their son committed adultery (they’re Catholic), and somehow they think it’s my fault for breaking up the family by deciding to D? Where the fuck is my apology for their son destroying my and DD’s lives?

What kind of self-centered, entitled fuckface says "I know an apology won’t do anything to help and will just be a trigger so I just hope you can forgive for your own sake?" Yeah, WH has said that.

Where the fuck is his apology to my parents for ruining their daughter’s happiness?

Where the fuck is the apology letter he promised to write to my brother?

When I told a friend about cutting up pictures of his face she suggested burning them might be more therapeutic. I’m literally at the point where I’m considering it but then worried it’s illegal. I’m weak sauce beneath the rage, guys.

I am trying to translate that anger into concrete action so I have 3 emails drafted that I’m going to be firing one after the other related to D proceedings. A part of me (the weak sauce?) is terrified of how he will react to them which has been holding me back from sending them.

[This message edited by doublerainbow at 11:05 PM, Sunday, November 27th]

This "weak sauce" is understandable. Beneath the anger, you are very hurt.

You don't need apology letters, they don't help anything. He doesn't get it, so the best he can muster will be forced and fake. If ever your xWH becomes remorseful and moves mountains to undo what he has done and become a human, maybe then. Until that time, just leave it. (I have a thread about how I got an apology from AP, it was meh)

I regard divorce proceedings as a form of self-care. Same as buying furniture for my new house. My xWW is dragging her feet with division of assets, so I give her a deadline and tell the consequences for missing it (court and sale of assets). When she sobs and trembles, I stay grey rock. I'm sure you know the drill and got a manipulation or two already too. Check your emails with a lawyer or at least with a cool-headed friend and send them out.