SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks for all the replies.

I think you guys are right.... I have to first really come to terms with walking away, to be ok with being alone. When I went for marriage counselling, the counsellor suggested we do an exercise where we recreate a magic moment we had. I had already informed her about the infidelity and I objected saying, I just found out this person cheated on me, I don't think I can do a staycation with them right now. Am I wrong? Or is this part of the healing process? Are bad therapists really that common or are they rare?

I think deep down, almost everything points to going for divorce. Am I opening up myself to compromise and issues if I agree to go for a few couple counselling sessions first? The other thing is she said she needed some time to process her emotions, which is why we are only meeting next week. I did request she not contact the other person and she agreed, but with this issue of trust I don't know if she will really cut contact. I guess I an holding out to see if this whole thing will shock her enough into making a real change, but I think I need to be ready to walk away if it doesn't.

For so many years I've had no time for myself, no time for my own activities, that suddenly I don't know what to do with all this spare time. I've started off with light exercise, and the few friends I have left have all been gems, taking me out and keeping me busy, but I don't actually know what goals I want to achieve. Back when we were a family, I had felt I achieved my dream, of having a great family and a fulfilling job that was helping me change the world in a small way. Now that the family is gone, I don't know what I want to do anymore.

In the end, my heart and my head are still battling it out. Logically everything is pointing towards divorce at this point. But my heart still harbors hope, telling me not to jump the gun.

[This message edited by ff56k2 at 2:00 AM, Friday, November 4th]

When I went for marriage counselling, the counsellor suggested we do an exercise where we recreate a magic moment we had.

That’s what Marriage Counselors do, they counsel marriages. Counseling troubled individuals is the job of an Individual Counselor. Marriage counselors are focused on saving the marriage, sometimes at the expense of the betrayed if the counselor is not specifically trained to handle infidelity and infidelity trauma. Many MC’s look at cheating as the result of a troubled marriage, unmet needs. A counselor who is well trained in the complexities of infidelity and infidelity trauma separates the acts of infidelity from the marriage problems-if any, and treats each issue separately. Cheating is not the result of a troubled marriage. Cheating is the result of a troubled individual with shit for coping skills. Rational people don’t remedy dissatisfaction in their marriage by resorting straight to the nuclear option-many times without warning. They don’t blow-up the marriage, the family, lie, cheat, steal, disgrace themselves, permanently traumatize and humiliate their spouses and kids, expose their families to STDs, destroy their reputations and sometimes their careers, expose their families to high risk interlopers of very questionable character, and maintain a very stressful covert secondary relationship that requires A LOT of work ensuring tight Opsec when…they could have just asked for MC or a divorce.

She asked for separation, as she said she no longer loved me anymore

Her affair was probably well underway before asking for separation. Separation to a cheater is a hall pass. Like I said before, many of your “marriage problems” are likely more closely tied to her cheating problems and cheating predispositions.

If you do MC now, it needs to be well coordinated with IC. Ideally, the counselors should work in concert and not contradict each other. This industry is poorly regulated and highly theoretical with wildly diverse schools of thought on infidelity. Vet your counselors carefully. A bad counselor can cause you permanent damage.

A good counselor will not subscribe to any unmet needs fallacies that blame the BS, in any way, for the affair. They should not tolerate rug sweeping, minimization, blame shifting, rationalizing, scapegoating, self victimization or DARVO type behaviors. A good IC will do a deep dive into the very underpinnings of what predisposed your WS to cheat.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:00 AM, Friday, November 4th]

I really wish I had said something like that stevesn.

What you wrote resonated with me. I think that the things you asked for are reasonable and healthy.

I feel that the marriage counselors who blamed and shamed me for wh's choice to cheat and lie and risk my life were my co abusers with him. I regret setting foot in their offices much less not walking out the minute any blame shifting started.

But I am a very different woman now than I was on dd2 or 3 or whatever number it really was.

Yeah I definitely resonate with what you said as well stevesn. Thank you so much for that. I will definitely be channeling something along those lines when I next meet her. I know now that it wasn't me. That all the blaming and picking at me was just a smokescreen. I'm planning to move back into my own house, I shouldn't need to leave my home when I had done nothing wrong. It's time for me to man up and move forward, with or without her.

And definitely thank you for drilling into me that she needs to make the decision. I know that I'm so tempted to nudge her, but ultimately you guys are right. What's gone is gone, and it has to be fully her decision if she will commit to reconciliation.

[This message edited by ff56k2 at 6:26 AM, Friday, November 4th]

I think you will speak with clarity the next time you talk with her. You know what's acceptable and whats not. If she starts with the lies, minimizing, blame then let her know all that is bull. She made her choices by herself. None of them were your doing.

Don't worry about what you want your direction to be. Things are being shaken up. It will come to you. Work on your health and trust that you will know that is best for you. Maybe you have a chance to do something that excites you and brings you into contact with others of a like spirit. Anythings possible.

Transition is often stressful especially when thrust upon us so please give yourself extra self care.

Anything that builds self esteem would be extra helpful right now.

Sorry you're here. It's a pain no one should experience.

Please do yourself a favor and look up "Trauma Bonding." Also look up Dr. Ramani, and watch some of her youtube videos. She's a leading expert on narcissism.

To answer your question, I've been told by my therapist that a narcissist will only change if they have suffered a profound loss. How long that might take isn't relevant here, since if your wife does indeed have narcissistic traits, she hasn't experienced that.

Good luck, and don't forget about your kid. Being raised by a mother like that will leave lasting issues. It's never too early to start addressing them.

I've communicated with my WS, basically along the lines of what stevesn mentioned. Although she mentioned that I share the blame for the marital issues beforehand, of which I agree, but to my surprise she didn't try to pin her cheating on me. She has been receptive and is committing to go for counselling to sort her shit out. I think that although I may be able to stick to my guns regarding divorce etc, I feel my feelings for her are still raw and it is going to take all I have to go through with it. Ultimately I think I do have some measure of trauma bonding, I can't say why I would want to go back to her but I feel like my heart wants it. It's really a struggle between what I know and what I feel.

I felt some measure of relief when she said she wanted to try and commit, and I don't know if that's a good sign because it shows that a part of me hopes that she will really commit to put in the work and save our relationship. This might just make going through with the divorce harder than it already is. Anyway, I can't thank the people here enough for all the advice and perspective that you've given me, I would definitely be in a worse state if I had never found all this.

[This message edited by ff56k2 at 6:23 PM, Saturday, November 5th]

How’s it going. How has she reacted to what you told her. Has she started to proactively do anything constructive?

In my opinion R can only start when she completes the work needed to become a better person, not when she simply SAYS she will do it.

I don't know the guy. It's someone she works with from a neighboring country. She still hasn't told me the full truth.

Listen brother your WW is simply NOT a good candidate for R at this point, for all you know she could be dating your dentist, her mechanic, her boss, etc., you need to know who the AP is in order for you to monitor NC, btw don't hold your breath if you think she will just simply stop communicating with him while "she sorts her feelings", she's still protecting her boyfriend by not revealing his identity. At this point MC is typically just a waste of time and money, the M didn't cheat she did, you don't even know much and she's not even remorseful which makes it impossible to R successfully, again she's even told you she doesn't love you and has feelings for OM, right now you should get the D ball rolling, it takes a long time and you can always stop it (or NOT!) if she comes around (that's a big if).

I felt some measure of relief when she said she wanted to try and commit, a

She wants to try to commit to the Marriage? Is this what this means?

Also she

needed time to process her emotions.

Neither of these are good signs for reconciliation. It’s an indication that her feelings are with the affair partner and you are second choice.

My H said the sane things to me at Dday 1. He wasn’t sure he wanted to stay married but he would let me know in 30 days. Stupidly I went along with it.

I allowed myself to be in a position where I was "auditioning" to be his wife. Doing the pick me dance and showing him I was fun and interesting etc. Looking back that was my biggest regret b/c I allowed him to call the shots and I gave up any standing I had.

Dday2 was a completely different story. I stood up to him, kicked him to the curb after finding out I was working my butt off to reconcile and he was still cheating AND did the hard 180. Honestly it was the best thing I did b/c he quickly learned either I’m your first choice and he’s "all in" or goodbye.

I allowed myself to be his second choice for too long. Big mistake.