SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OldBeachOwl,

This is a personal perspective as I am an OC, other child, and the product of my biological mothers extramarital affair.

If the OM has children of his own they are your sons half brothers and sisters and they may want to know him and vice-versa.

I was glad that I found my half brothers and sisters as they were able to tell me about my original family and the history, I was adopted out when I was a year and a half old.

As a child I was lied to and told that my bio mother died in a car crash, but I found out the truth when I was 35 or so.

My adoptive Mother was relieved in her old age when I told her I knew the truth, and she no longer had to feel guilt every time she saw me. I suspect your WW feels the same, perhaps repressed, whenever she sees your son.

There is a biological family of your sons that he has no knowledge of and he has had the choice of knowing them taken from him.

Please tell your son.

OBO:

When did your wife know the child belonged to the OM? If the OM knew about the child, when and how did he find out? Did your wife stop the affair as soon as the pregnancy began?

Did the OM return to your wife's workplace at a later date allowing her to enjoy a second affair with him? Were the other two AP's she confessed to also her coworkers? Did all these affairs happen in the early part of your marriage (the first ten years)?

Did any of the people who knew about the affair also know the child was not yours? I'm particularly thinking of your wife's mother and sisters and their husbands and family friends. Since so many people seemed to know about the affair, if not the child, surely at sometime someone must have hinted to you that something was amiss in your marriage. I'm referring to the occasions when you attended one of her work functions or parties, or had a gathering of family and friends. I'm a little saddened that this situation kind of appears to be some sort of a conspiracy against you.

How have your son and his siblings accepted this information?

Do you have any relatives on your side of the family that you can confide in and receive support from?

Divorce is like skydiving: it's scary only because you've never done it before. But, when it's completed you feel relieved and safe. If you both have retired from professional careers you probably have some degree of financial security and independence, then splitting mutual assets and investments should not be too difficult. Today is the first day of the rest of your life - start living it now.

Good Luck. I hope you achieve some level of peace with this situation.

and the fallout as it affects both of us.

Bullshit.
As I understand it, from reading your posts, only you are carrying the fallout of this. If the son does not know, the only reason you know is to protect HERSELF from the fallout of this abhorrent behavior.

You posted in the Reconciliation Forum so our comments should consider that. However, R is based on truth. If you want to measure if she has genuine contrition and not regret, if she is interested in what is best for YOU and not HER, I wonder what her response would be if you exposed her to everyone in your circle, simultaneously without warning, and presented her with walking papers specifying a 60-40 split of all marital assets - in your favor, based on 50 years of lies. Then watch how she handles the humiliation and the multitude of other emotions that you alone are feeling. Then measure if she is really interested in your well-being. You will learn a lot. I am so profoundly sorry for you. Peace to you, brother.

As usual drop a bomb and go dark, happens all the time here.

My apologies to all who have messaged or reached out to me with sundry postings, I have just returned from a driving trip to San Carlos, a warm winter destination on the Sea of Cortez and only a seven hour drive from Southern Arizona, where we too are not immune to the vagaries of polar vortex cold weather patterns. I am also a Luddite antiquarian who refuses to buy or use a smart phone, so once I'm in Mexico, I am blissfully disconnected from the madness of contemporary popular culture and politics.
First off, no I didn't have to inform my son as to his biological parentage because his hyper dedicated geneolgical sleuth wife had arranged a 23 and M search into the backgrounds of her parents and her husband's, and from this effort no trace of my family appeared in the results, since my brother had researched our family tree, there should have been a very clear connection, zero ambiguity. Upon which my son's wife did further research bringing up s connection to the AP via one of his children.
Unwilling to embarrass either me or his mother about her walk on the marital wildside fifty years ago, he remained silent about the matter until now.
Regarding my fWW I truly believe she understands the destruction and havoc her very selfish and cruel behavior ( her words to me) left in their wake. I see and feel her remorse in many ways. She is walking the walk.
I also understand how she is a borderline personality disorder wife who has an easily applied ability to compartmentalize behaviors and emotions, having been a CSA victim of a very close male family member who also sexually abused her mother. I am certain from things she has said to me that she accepted my proposal of marriage in order in part to escape a very dysfunctional and toxic family environment. The many years of burying her secret, however, finally became too much of a burden to bear..thus the confession which she was contemplating even before I mused about sending our son a genealogy tracing kit.
In the final analysis we are both now in our late seventies, we have reached a point of near reconciliation made all the easier by a complete openness on her part and the realization that neither of us has a long arc of life ahead of us, so why destroy what short time of happiness we can enjoy together even if that means acknowledging that there might be more undisclosed peccadillos or details of her affair(s) she cannot remember or which cause her too much acute same and embarrassment to relate? Fifty years ago she was a very beautiful butflawed, immature and selfish woman-,child who thought she could enjoy being the " nurse during jour" for a week or month of one of the philandering doctors and not feel she was missing out on the fun which almost all the other young nurses were experiencing in the sexually charged environment of her workplace. Unfortunately it didn't turn out quite like that and the recreational sex became a romantic connection. And we live with that knowledge every day now.

OBO, glad you are finding a sense of happiness in spite of your circumstances and forging ahead to make the best of your remaining time together mutually enjoyable. The best way to do so is with the truth. So, in that vein...

thus the confession which she was contemplating even before I mused about sending our son a genealogy tracing kit.

This is pure, face-saving Bullshit. This is saying what she thinks you desperately want to hear. It's about as believable as, "You know, I was just about to confess to that murder."

I will say it again, the ONLY reason you know is because she was not allowed to take it to her grave. Don't accept anything less than the unvarnished truth. If you don't, you will suffer more than necessary. All the best to you.

Edit to add, Don't you think 50 years is enough time for her conscience to get the better of her and confess? Yeah, she never planned to.

[This message edited by CuriousObserver at 9:47 PM, Thursday, December 22nd]

Regarding my fWW I truly believe she understands the destruction and havoc her very selfish and cruel behavior ( her words to me) left in their wake. I see and feel her remorse in many ways. She is walking the walk.

Isn't this what really matters? Your interpretation of the current situation?

I will suggest this--honesty, and I mean radical honesty, should be one of your WW's(I wouldn't apply the 'f' yet) primary focuses from this point forward. I am more than certain that plenty of information has been forgotten over 50 years, but. like CuriousObserver and others have abundantly mentioned, she never forgot who your son's father is. Right up until exposure was imminent, she knew....and had EVERY opportunity to tell. I think she really needs to get very real with herself about this. She can claim until her deathbed that she struggled with telling you the truth, but the fact remains that she did not. Why didn't she do this? Why not after one year? Five years? Twenty years? The most logical answer is self-preservation.

The goal is not to hammer her into shame; the goal is for her be honest with herself first, then everyone else.

I agree with the foregoing. The idea that your WW was on the brink of confessing is utter bullshit.

Your WW (I also think it's way premature to consider whether she has earned the "fWW" honorific) has lived a lie for 50+ years. A massive, deep, dark lie. She bore another man's child and even brought that man into your home for a social event, presumably so they could share a private joke at your expense. One of the biggest, darkest lies a married woman can live. She has existed within this lie for so long, so thoroughly, it has become an actual part of her.

Just as a matter of basic human nature, it's incredibly unlikely that she has suddenly transmogrified herself into an honorable, honest human wife. I'm sure she is reeling at the idea that she must gaze upon the bright light of her despicable truth at this late stage of life. It has possibly awakened in her a heightened sense of self-preservation. I would be inclined to believe that, over the years, she has convinced herself of the rightness of a POV based on the false syllogism of "I've been a good wife for the past 40 years plus or minus, which in some way pays the debt of the despicable acts during the first 10." I would agree that, in "found out years later" scenarios, the ability of the BH to consider R depends a LOT on the quality of the marriage during the most recent years leading up to Dday. Maybe she has been a model wife during your 40's, 50's, and/or 60's. You don't really speak to that in your posts, a least I don't recall seeing it addressed. I'm curious to know your thoughts and views on that specific point. Was your life for the past, say, 30 year one of marital bliss, a wife who was eager about initiating sex with you and doing things to make your life pleasurable?

Also, I realize that there is a situational and practical piece of your decision-making algorithm imposed by the realities of your stage in life. I'm reminded of, for example, a grieving parent whose child was killed by a third person, possibly in a drunk driving accident. No matter how much pain and loss the parent may feel, no degree of punishment meted out to the wrongdoer will bring the child back.

In the same way, most of your life was given to this wife who accepted it from you based upon this massive foundational falsehood. That life is permanently gone.

There is also the reality that your number of remaining trips around the sun on this bean is limited. Maybe 10 or so, if you are average. What good would radical change do for you? Would you really find joy leaving her and seeking your "Dirty Grandpa" moment, or solitude with your thoughts in the wilderness? Or is it enough to simply remain next to her, night after night pondering the lifetime of duplicity behind that wrinkled face, being reminded over and over that you'll never get back your 30's, your 40's, your 50's, your 60's. What would/could you have done differently in those years, had you known?

The one thing I would remind you is that, if you two are average in terms of what occurs with respect to life span, it's extremely likely that one of you will die first, leaving the other alone for some years. Jason Isbell sings about that concept so poignantly in "If We Were Vampires": "It's knowing that this can't go on forever. It's likely one of us will have to spend some days alone."

I do think you should consider how you will feel if that one is you. Will you be happy you spent the final 10 years of your WW's life with her, only to be ultimately left alone with your thoughts? That, it seems to me, is your salient consideration at this stage. I'd urge you to have that bathroom mirror conversation with your hypothetical 80-year old widower self and discuss the pros and cons with that guy. Be clear with him about the costs and benefits.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 4:52 PM, Friday, December 23rd]

OTOH ...

Human beings don't mature fully until well into our 20s. It's entirely possible that someone who cheated at 26(?) can redeem themself and live honorably for the rest of their life.

Also, the preponderance of advice when we were young - and maybe even now - was not to confess an A - just take it to the grave. (I may be your age; my W is 77, like yours.)

So OBO, your WS may not be the person many posters fear or think she is. (Posting as a member: some posters think they know the WS better than you do, which makes no sense to me at all.)

As I read your posts, I continue to think you're where you ought to be to heal. Six months isn't a long time as recovery goes, and it's a downright short time as far as R goes. It's also a time when many of us start to feel rage - but us older folks (my W, like yours, is 77) seem to feel more grief and less anger than younger folks do. I attribute that to the wisdom our years have enabled us to gather.

Perfectly stated BFTG.

In the final analysis we are both now in our late seventies, we have reached a point of near reconciliation made all the easier by a complete openness on her part and the realization that neither of us has a long arc of life ahead of us, so why destroy what short time of happiness we can enjoy together...

This sounds very healthy to me. The bottom line is that we don't get do-overs, and while it certainly IS an option to punish your WW with divorce or with anger and vitriol, nothing changes what has already happened. While I can't ever fully empathize with your experience, not having lived it myself, I think in your shoes that would still be MY son, no matter who had provided his DNA. There are some things that no one can ever take away from us and the experience of parenting a child is one of them.

Anyway, just wanted to say that I've found your posts to be inspiring. You're a clear example of rising above the pain and thriving beyond the circumstances.

Fifty years ago she was a very beautiful butflawed, immature and selfish woman-,child who thought she could enjoy being the " nurse during jour" for a week or month of one of the philandering doctors and not feel she was missing out on the fun which almost all the other young nurses were experiencing in the sexually charged environment of her workplace. Unfortunately it didn't turn out quite like that and the recreational sex became a romantic connection. And we live with that knowledge every day now.

This phenomenon is, was, *very very real,* although in our current climate of political correctness and HR dominance it may be tempered a bit.

Based on my personal experience, I would at this very moment wager a significant bet that it still exists, albeit it has probably *gone underground.*

It was blatant and overwhelming and such an integral part of the culture in my early career that it was downright ludicrous on a sane day and damned near criminal on a not so sane day.

OBO, I do not offer this as an excuse, but perhaps as context.

For persons with certain kinds of damage coming into that environment, it may have been a 'reality shift too far.'

IMHO, 'the usual and accepted boundaries' were... ??? Suspended isn't a strong enough word.

'Gods' aren't subject to mortal laws.

Of course, your wife as a young RN wasn't quite divinity; she was more like a plaything in a well-stocked toy box.

I apologize, that's harsh, but as a female who was immersed in that culture at a young age, that's what I saw.

I had my own history and my own damage coming into it and I made a conscious choice not to participate.

This is no judgment on your wife.

A different suite of damages and history might have driven me firmly in that direction.

Make no mistake: going along to get along in that situation would have made my daily work life *much easier.*

For reasons all my own, I could not, would not go there, and that made my life much more difficult.

Your wife has her own history and her own damages and her own points of reference.

I am in no way superior; rather, I am fortunate that I was not negotiating that toxic environment with a history and a set of circumstances that made me particularly vulnerable to it.

While I was negotiating that wide open, stoopid environment and choosing NOT to participate...

...my husband, who was negotiating a much more straight laced work environment (and by this point in our lives and marriage, 'the building phase,' both of our social lives had all but dried up) (in an odd and non-sequitur way, this feeling of 'trapped, cornered, claustrophobia' may have contributed to Hub's 'set up')

Hubs fell backwards into A Wide Open Opportunity...

... and he indulged. =(

I *knew,* pretty much immediately when he returned home; he couldn't keep his guilt off of his face.

He dissembled and minimized and for the sake of a young marriage and young children, we both rug swept.

Like your situation, the actual truth came out years, decades, a lifetime later.

To the best of my knowledge, my husband did not indulge further, neither sexually nor romantically, although I'm sure some flirtations skirted inappropriateness and he definitely tested my limits and the limits of a sane marriage with "I am The Boss of Me" scenarios.

What *absolutely DID happen* in the ensuing years was that my husband took big ol' inappropriate chunks out of me and out of our marriage in a myriad of other ways that telegraphed or that outright shouted to him, to me, to our kids,to his FOO, to his work environment, to what remained of our dwindling social circle (work dominated us, family and extended family took the rest)

... that Husband was the VIP, THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE ROOM.
And if Hubs was The VIP, then *certainly* his FOO was preemanent and superlative and LARGE AND IN CHARGE.

Next Generation Narcissism, informed by supremely narcissistic parents and a narcissistic FOO system like you would not believe.

In Hub's actual sexual infidelity, he did not indulge to the degree that your wife did, nor did his infidelity have anywhere near the outcomes or damages that your wife's did. Not drawing an equivolency here.

But here is what I will say:

I'm personally *waaaaaaaaay* past 'the building phase' of *me.*

I'm also past 'the building phase' of *us,* for whatever that was or is or could be worth.

For me, it is the very literal definition of, 'It Is What It Is.'

This is *a totally new relationship* for me, every moment of every day.

I can decide to keep it, I can decide to end it, I can decide to walk away.

I've built what I've built.

So has he.

And he can decide to keep it, he can decide to end it, he can decide to walk away, any moment of any day.

On him.

At a very fundamental level,

I do not care.

I gave it my best, and I'm still not screwing you over,

but I'm sure not taking any further bullshit.

Yeah, conduct your life like you are being evaluated solely on your own immediate merit,

because that's the fact.

And so am I.

And if that means that I am being found 'wanting' because I am not willing to accommodate insults and disrespects and disregards to me or to this marriage by Hubs, by our nuclear family or by his FOO,

so be it.

I am a bird who is no longer dependent on the tree branch.

I am reliant on my own wings.

[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 8:24 AM, Saturday, December 24th]

Marriagredux959: Oh tempora, o mores,..Cicero's lament about the loss of principles and moral courage of his era definitely strikes a resonant chord in relation to the freewheeing sexually charged promiscuous culture of the mid 1960's and 70's. It is, to my mind, no accident that this pentup tsunami of sexual freedom, promiscuity and experimentation arrived within a couple of years of the wide availability of the birth control pill and brought the first stirrings of Women's Liberation as a political force. So your pertinent and for some, educational remarks concerning the cultural and anthropological consequences in the workplace are very much appreciated.
Like the saying goes, you had to be there, fully experience it, to get it.
My fWW's affair(s) happened against a backdrop of free love and a general " if it feels good, do it" ethic, not that this in any way, excuses her making unambiguous decisions to cross boundaries and ultimately sleep with her AP to experience something other young women in the hospital were enjoying, with the naive notion that the brakes could be applied at any time she so desired.
I would hazard a guess that almost everybody on this site has at one time or another been presented with an invitation or opportunity to step outside of the safe precinct of their marriage and betray their spouse or partner by selfishly indulging in a PA or an EA It can take real hard resolve not to succumb to the temptation. I know because I too have been very close to betraying the trust my spouse places in me, however I am very glad I saw the danger and walked away when I realized what boundaries I was traversing. The ultimate, worst sin, in my mind, is to betray the trust somebody places in you.Conversely, I believe that the greatest gifts one can offer someone are empathy and forgiveness, and I also believe that there is no sin, crime, or betrayal that merits the label of " unforgivable ".
These are among the reasons I did not walk away from my marriage or seek to punish my wife by divorce or constant haranguing, abuse or vitriol. She hurt me grievously, but I am able to forgive and love this American woman I an Englishman, first met in London, almost six decades ago. I owe so much, far too much to relate in any adequate way.I arrived in California with $35 to my name and from that humble start we grew, prospered and enjoyed a full and rewarding life. Her affair and ONS are part of our history, no more, no less.

OBO, I came back here specifically because I realized today that I 'got lost' in my own response and missed my own point.

Darn if you didn't beat me to it. :) <3

Here's what:

Hubs and I are pretty much reconciled and recovered.

As others have pointed out on this site, and have posted about their own experiences, we have *a totally different marriage* now.

Did the infidelity 'improve' our marriage? Hell no!

We had to *both* choose to build a new relationship built of different values and different points of reference, out of the ashes of the relationship that the belated discovery of infidelity burned to the ground.

Yes, it is a better relationship because it is a fundamentally more honest relationship- and not just in terms of honesty about the act of infidelity itself.

I have found that as reconciliation progressed, I became much, much less focused on the act of infidelity. Honestly, the actual physical infidelity doesn't really bother me all that much anymore. So Hubs got aroused and let his dick do the thinking on a one off. That says nothing at all about *me* and I finally stopped taking it personally.

I don't like the actual infidelity and if I make myself think about it, I wish it hadn't happened, but honestly it's not my problem anymore.

(That being said, context is everything: as I pointed out, Husband's 'one off' didn't have nearly the consequences nor the sequellae that many others, including you, have experienced.)

In our case, what needed to be deconstructed and examined were the attitudes, the mindset, the experiences and learned behaviors that went into crossing that line in the first place.

When we began tearing that 'house' down brick by brick we truly began deconstructing our marriage so it was possible to build something better.

I slowly began to realize that the depth of my anger (rage) and hurt and frustration and humiliation wasn't some random rando one off decades ago, but the very attitudes and behaviors and absence of boundaries and respect and regard that had permeated our marriage from the very beginning.

I'm not going to say that Hubs was blameless, he certainly was not, but I do not believe it was a fundamental essence of his character. Rather, it was an entire suite of learned behaviors and blindly accepted premises straight out of his dysfunctional FOO.

Their deeply narcissistic family system facilitated a Holier Than Thou appearance and lifestyle while also being fundamentally selfish, self absorbed, and dishonest.

They were just as cruel and damaging and disrespectful and disregarding of boundaries with Husband as they were with me and with us as a couple. Trouble was, that's all Hubs knew. In his mind, this was normal and he, we, 'owed' them fealty and their control freakiness no matter how they acted out or treated us.

It caused us and me *decades* of frustration. I could not understand why or how Hubs had this frame of reference. All I knew was that in order to keep peace in the house and in the marriage, I had to let Hubs have his way. Often that meant letting his parents and his family have *their* way, no matter how inappropriate, selfish, disrespectful or even outlandish, so that his parents wouldn't be unhappy with him and he wouldn't 'get in trouble.'

Yes, we are talking about a grown assed man here.

And believe me, if his parents didn't/don't get their way, they will find some way to punish.

Hand in hand with this background, Hubs had a largely unconscious, sub conscious belief system that said that achieving 'adulthood' meant that he was doing the telling and he was getting his own way, with me primarily, because that's what being an adult looked like.

He never even looked at that fundamental premise.

It was as inherent as gravity to him.

Anyway, these things were the true issues and the underpinnings of the attitudes and belief systems that informed much of the dysfunction in our marriage, including the one time that Husband gave himself permission to cheat.

He hated how he felt in the immediate aftermath of the cheating, and never did it again, which I suppose is the best outcome of a shitty choice.

The belated full discovery decades later pulled out that early placed Jenga block that brought the whole system down.

When Husband *finally* actually 'saw' his family and his parents and their behaviors and beliefs for the first time, it was stunning, almost blinding. When he saw himself through that lens, he was deeply ashamed and embarrassed.

I also had to realize that I was fundamentally, deeply angry with myself and ashamed of myself for facilitating and absorbing and allowing this treatment and this unhealthy pattern in my own life and in my marriage for so long.

I had to own my own shit, my own codependency, my own avoidance and dishonesty with myself and disrespect of myself.

Hard truth: nobody on this earth is going to respect me one iota more than I respect and value myself.

I started discarding people and their bullshit like shedding a skin.

It was hugely cathartic.

Hubs hung in there (even though I was a hot mess for a solid three years) owned his own shit and began a process of radical self honesty.

We did a LOT of research into narcissism.

Both of Hubs' parents are textbook narcissists, IMHO.

For a while, Hubs was afraid that he too was a narcissist. I had to convince him that the very process of self examination and insistence on accountability more or less proved that he wasn't, LOL. We'd *never* get that kind of introspection, honesty or accountability out of his parents and his FOO.

I sincerely do not believe that Husband is a narcissist, nor that he has serious character flaws. I think he had an entire system of deeply ingrained, learned from an early age poor behaviors and coping tendencies that he'd never examined. It didn't serve him well either.

He's had to learn about boundaries and learn how to have them and how to enforce them and how to respect them: his own, mine, and the basic healthy boundaries around our marriage.

It was foreign and unnatural and frightening at first; Hubs was fundamentally sure that no one would 'like' him anymore if he started having boundaries.

As we all know, he found the opposite to be true. People like him just fine; healthy boundaries are socially necessary, people respect him.

Moreover, he now likes and respects himself, something that was missing in his life in service to his narcissistic parents for decades.

TL;DR:

In our case, the actual infidelity became far less important and needful of correction than the dysfunction that informed it and facilitated it.

[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 10:51 PM, Saturday, December 24th]

OBO,

Yes your Wife may have frolicked in the free wheeling sex atmosphere of her work place as an immature thinking 26 year old. And her 26 year old mind convinced her to deceive you in to believing you were the father of your son.

Was she still immature at 36? 46? 56? 66? Covering up affairs is one thing but to deceive your son for 50 years to me is unforgivable. But, that is your Sons choice to forgive.

With the popularity of DNA testing booming over the past decade, she had to know the day would come he would find out her lies. Not confessing to him years earlier or just this year was nothing more than trying to preserve her self image.

You've seem to have given her some form of forgiveness, what if anything is she doing to earn your Son's forgiveness?

Your love for your Son jumps off the pages of your posts. I pray that your relationship is not damaged by your wife's decision to deceive for 50 years.

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments and advice; some of which is pertinent to our situation, whilst other parts are irrelevant, or I feel would perhaps generate distrust and discord where my goal is to create a new, better, fuller and more rewarding bond between my wife and myself and to enjoy a loving relationship in our final years.. Yes, my eldest son is very important, loved and cherished by both my fWW and myself, we are very, very proud of the man, and the gentleman he has become and the truly amazing career accomplishments he has worked hard to achieve. Nothing in his genesis, in the way he came into the world has, or ever will alter this, in any way.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am English, A scion of old Albion long resident in the former colonies of old Mexico. Whereas I came from a working class environment at a time when England was an austere, bankrupt nation struggling to recover from World War 2, my fWW came from a background of privilege, an upper middle class Californian family with the means to travel extensively in Europe in the early 1960's before the democratisation of leisure travel and tourism. We met in London and we lived there for a short period. Aldo, I had no illusions, when we moved back to California, that I wss anything but a trophy English husband. I could have been mistaken for any number of English Invasion band members, with long hair,..( when I still had hair) and dressing as I did in Carnaby Street fashion clothing. Plus I spoke, and have retained, A London British accent, think Michael Caine. It is hard to imagine now, but in that era, being English was a huge social asset and a pass to getting invited into female bedrooms
So it is not without a degree of irony, that while my fWW, in our fourth year of marriage, was, I noe know for certain, enjoying hijinks with the doctors in her hospital work environment, I resolutely warded off all sorts on unwanted and unsought invitations to do precisely what she was doing, including a pass from her best friend. Do I consider myself a fool for having, and continuing even now to rebuff amatory advances from women? No, not at alll.I try to hew to an ethic of love, loyalty, tolerance, forgiveness and empathy. I just feels so much better than having to hide secrets all the time. As for the pan from her revelations, my fWW helps me through the dark moments and we get through each trigger one day at a time.

I want to drink a pint with you! Peace to you in the New Year!

Shouldofleft..and those others who have offered me advice and consolation... My best wishes to you for a New Year which brings better things, better times, more laughter and perhaps contentment and love. A round of best bitter with other betrayed friends would be perhaps exceedingly melancholic, but it might on the other hand prove to be highly therapeutic! Cheers and bottoms up!

Forgiveness, when obtained, is a rare and beautiful thing. For both the forgiven but perhaps even more for the one who forgives.

I think we don't talk about that quite enough.

OBO,

May the new year be full and peaceful to you and yours also. I am 65, just a few years behind you and I remember those times well. It wasn't the same dynamic as the hookup culture of today, but it had its own quirks and fallout. Forgiveness and Reconciliation are traits of the highest caliber and I wish you both well as you forge forward together.

My previous words were not intended to presume what your well thought out choices should be. I realize it is very possible that her confession was on the tip of her tongue several times. But if so, it only bears witness to the fact that she chose multiple times to continue to deceive you. My only intent is to convey to you that after all this time, you deserve the FULL truth. Every time she looked at your son (and he is your son, just as you are his dad), every time she saw you with him, she DECIDED to continue to deceive you.

Until she owns that, I fear you will lack peace; that you will know deep inside she was more interested in protecting herself than protecting you. I have never been able to swallow the excuse that after someone already hurt their spouse with adultery, the following deception somehow was protecting the already injured spouse. It is the epitome of wayward thinking. I truly wish you the very best.

Edit to add: Just yesterday I finished, "Forgiving What You'll Never Forget" by Dr. David Stoop. A well balanced view of forgiveness and potential reconciliation, from a Biblical Worldview btw.

[This message edited by CuriousObserver at 10:42 PM, Thursday, December 29th]