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I’m sorry, that was my poor wording. He does want to go to IC, but usually I’m the one that handles appointments and documents and things of that nature.

To SkipThumelue - what should I be looking for in a good therapist? What are some signs or green flags?

WontBeFooledAgai, you actually bring up a great point which I have some confusion on. But since you are a BS, I would like to hear your thoughts. I’m hearing conflicting things regarding talking about the A. I personally have difficulty bringing up the topic, but many have told me I shouldn’t make my BH the one to always bring it up, or to wait for a blow up. However, my concern is on our good days, if I have some thoughts regarding it, should I bring it up? Like when we aren’t even close to the subject. I dunno, if we’re talking about doing groceries or our favorite stand up bits. I worry I will put him in a bad place when he isn’t in one. That being said, I have never pushed him to talk when he doesn’t want to. I just want to know how I can navigate these conversations in a way that will be best for him.

I like the silence. Sometimes I cannot hear noise, there is too much in my head and I find it too stimulating. I lost enjoyment in everything and had a breakdown. Silence was nice. I could hear myself think and I would breath. So you may find the silence is different to how he felt about silence before.

I used to get anxious about things, I was a worrier before I found out about his affair. That’s stopped now I don’t worry much anymore - it was a strange outcome really. The silence is me living in the moment. I listen to the rain or the wind or I look at things.

But I think the storm is coming and i hated who it made me. I said after one particular rage that I will leave if it continues as I don’t like what this situation has made of me.

I recommend you read everything you can and use it to make yourself someone who you want to be. Maybe learn to meditate too - it may help when the storm arrives.

I'd recommend checking in w your BH e.g., asking how he is doing whenever you can sense that he is appearing to be down or angry. And I recommend checking in with your BH so he knows where you are.

And on that note, I assume that in the meanwhile your friends know that, you will not be available for Girls Night Out and as much for socialization in general, right?

That is for certain, I haven’t been apart from my BH since D-Day. I will be seeing my best friend this weekend, but just for a short walk for an hour or two, just us her and i in a local park. No going out or anything of the sort. I know that’s out of the question, and I don’t even want to because I know he needs me 24/7 and what I want most is to be there for him in this time.

what should I be looking for in a good therapist? What are some signs or green flags?

Ask what are their views on infidelity. Any mention of unmet needs unless as an unacceptable model or any hint of blame shifting to the BS or rug sweeping should be disqualifying. Ideally your BH should have counseling with someone trained in betrayal trauma, or ptsd or other types of trauma if that specialty isn’t available in your area. Gottman training is a plus, especially in a MC, but that’s down the road.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 10:46 PM, Wednesday, August 23rd]

asc1226 nailed the major points. Make sure they are well-versed in infidelity and have an absolute no-rug-sweeping policy. Someone who will stress accountability and not coddle you.

The next time you and your BS are talking about the A, in whatever context, I would say something like what you said - just make it a question form to your BS:

However, my concern is on our good days, if I have some thoughts regarding it, should I bring it up? Like when we aren’t even close to the subject. I dunno, if we’re talking about doing groceries or our favorite stand up bits. I worry I will put him in a bad place when he isn’t in one. That being said, I have never pushed him to talk when he doesn’t want to. I just want to know how I can navigate these conversations in a way that will be best for him.

I think asking your BS, straight up, some form of what you wrote above, the next time you are already talking about the A, is the "easiest" way to find the answers to your questions about this.

I would have loved for my WH, back in the day, to ask me something like that as: 1) it tells me he actually is thinking of it, and 2) is concerned for ME.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 5:17 PM, Saturday, August 26th]

I know he needs me 24/7

I am sorry, but this is just not true.

Look you are never going to force him to R with you. Silence is good. You don't like it because it forces you to focus on yourself. I know that hurts and you'd do a lot things before you look inward. The most honest answer I can give you is that the answers you seek ARE in you.

You made choices. You choose to have an affair more than a single time. It was countless choices to move the A forward.

Don't you think your husband needs time to figure out what he wants to do? I think he deserves some time, right? He now has choices he needs to make and that is hard when he can't be in his head. You are pushing him away.

He has to decide to stay married to you everyday. I mean that literally. It takes one hell of a lot of energy to fight his insticts to run away or self destruct. He probably is just mentally exhausted as he is way behind you in coming to terms with the A you choose to pursue. You've had months to create all kinds of reasons why you think you choose to pursue your A. He hasn't. Please give him time and space to do so. Ideally you would do IC for years and finally figure it out and then tell him.

Make no mistake. In the absence of a different answer to why you choose to have an A he will create his own. Be open when he approaches you. At first he will come with things that are mainly about him. In these convos you must not let him settle on those and help him figure out why that is non-sense. You don't know why you choose to do this, but you will work tirelessly to figure out what is/was broken inside you. You understand that the A is 100% on you. Further you both need to work on yourselves before you build a new M together.

The the question you really need to bring to therapy is what you are afraid of? Why is it too hard to sit in silence. It seems to me you are afraid of something there. Pick at it. Falls to pieces in therapy, etc.

If you work on this one thing it helps him feel less smothered and you both benefit.

Keep showing how you are changing and keep getting more and more honest with him. Be a mess in front of him. Be very open and vulnerable when he approaches you.

Trust me he feels very vulnerable right now, but you have to work to help him feel safe. It's about playing for time in order to work on yourself.