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Even though I occasionally ruminate on my EXWW'S A, it is nowhere near as painful as it would be had I stayed. My EXWW is a unique case. She is abysmally oblivious to virtually anything that is not her. As a result, she struggles with even the most basic concepts around empathy. Trying to get her to understand someone else's feelings is like trying to get grandpa to program the remote. JK.

There is no magic bullet to getting out of the pain. It takes hard work and dedication. What I can tell you is this: although I occasionally suffer from loneliness it is nowhere near the suffering I would have endured had I stayed. But that's just my situation. Had I a better quality human as a spouse, who knows?

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 3:59 PM, Sunday, May 12th]

I feel incapable of being truly happy for as long as the memory of the affair exists.

I just saw this quote online, and immediately thought of this thread.

"The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you'll never have."

― Søren Kierkegaard

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 11:19 AM, Sunday, May 12th]

I feel incapable of being truly happy for as long as the memory of the affair exists.

Good catch, HOP.

Is being betrayed the only trauma that has been dumped on you? It wasn't for me, even though my life has been pretty easy. My previous traumas kept me scared for some years, but they eventually faded into the background. I may trigger when I come across a memory of my traumas or read a description by someone else of their own similar trauma, but it's very, very far from top of mind.

At 5 years out, my W's A was close to top of mind. At 5 years out, I probably wrote that I'll never forget it and probably will never be as happy as I was before the A. I was wrong.

I can't guarantee how anyone will feel in the future, but I do think a lot of us surprise ourselves in positive directions about how much we recover. The A will be an open sore for too long. It may remain an open sore as long as one fears it will.

But it is possible for the sore to heal, for a good scar to form, and for us to move on to a happy life. If you seek happiness, it will probably elude you. If you set your sights on doing right things, happiness may surprise you.

JMO. JME.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:26 PM, Sunday, May 12th]

The hard part of this situation, and of mine, is that the offense happened BEFORE their lives were truly entangled, and the true scope of the offense wasn't uncovered until AFTER. That brings into question the whole relationship.

But I think this is unfortunately a pattern with WSs. Almost like they like the idea of an intimate partnership, yet when life decisions come at them, they act out their resistance to actually being in a partnership.

Happened exactly that way with my WH. Had I discovered his very well-hidden issues and known of his true past at anytime during the 4 years we dated steady or anytime during the first 4 years of our marriage, it would have been so easy to D! Midlife career couple with no kids, not many entanglements. That changed when I found us a property like he and I had dreamed about (I thought) so that, instead of living in my cramped single girl cottage, we could have room for a truly shared lifestyle like he claimed he wanted - except then he had to commit to a mortgage. That's exactly when he acted out: the night he told me to go ahead and tell the bank we would sign a cash-out refi mortgage on my house, which put him on a joint note for my home plus commited us both to a new property investment - which he immediately urged me to start rehabbing. 8 months later, when I discovered the first part of his betrayal, it was way too difficult to bail out financially.

One therapist told me it sounded like the more 'trapped' he got me financially, the freer he felt to abuse our marriage! Sure seems that way in many cases. But it must be a coincidence, right? (I don't think so....)

Cantbeme- good to hear from you. I think most people here can relate with what you are saying.

I don’t know if this helps or not but two things: I have noticed the same thing as Sissoon, it seems peace comes further out than 5 years for most people.

The second thing is this-h and I have had this discussion many times. What we have learned is to hate it together. To be sad about it together. Yes, I victimized him, but I also robbed myself. I created it but we are coming to see it more as a shared loss. And I think that’s just settled in over the past year, which rounded out year seven.

You may not come to that conclusion. But I am saying it because there is still room that some of this will improve for you. I don’t think it ever fully goes away either, but I do think that you are likely not to your final destination yet.

You might think, well maybe hiking and her husband feel the shared loss because we are madhatters. It really doesn’t work that way. While he holds accountability over his affair, I still hold accountability for kicking it all off.

My affair irrevocably changed the course of our life together. I don’t believe there would have been another circumstance that would have led him to cheat. It wasn’t the right answer, we should have separated. And it still required repairs, but a lot of it just reverberated the shame and unworthiness I already felt. The damage of trust was much deeper for him.

Despite the scars in our marriage, there has been work we have done that created something deeper that would be hard to ever replicate with someone else. You will never catch us celebrating the affair but we do celebrate aspects of our relationship that we are proud of now. We are connected in a way I didn’t know existed. And again, that’s not because of the affair but the dedication to the work we have done on ourselves and together. Healing is so many layers, but what you have said I think is true for most, and I feel what you are describing is what my husband would have written at five years out. And maybe something similiar with some improvements at year six. Some of it he would still say today. So would I.

But for the one asking why would you ever stay with a cheater.

Because there is still love. There is still laughter, and passion and enjoyment. There are still times together with our grown kids that we are so glad to support them from the same side of the table. We have so much together that a lot of people never find. We have been together for almost three decades, there is history and knowing. We no longer take for granted that we are choosing each other every day despite it all and are learning to celebrate what is not what we wish it was. That takes a long time to cultivate.
It comes in layers, time, self awareness, and a commitment to align with that decision.

Finding out so many years later complicated the situation greatly for you, it sounds like you have healed a lot since we last saw you. Give yourself some grace when you are struggling. There is still room for more healing ahead. And if you are hitting five years, then you are around the anniversary of finding out and it’s natural to get hit harder at those milestones.