SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Fantastic

To be honest, I really don't see the reason.

The biggest reason to inform the OBS is not about her having a right to know (which she does) or about being the right thing to do (which it is) but about the A itself.

Affairs always have an element of secrecy to them. Part of the excitement is the "forbidden" nature of it, the rush of doing this without being caught.

As long as it's in the dark it has the potential to survive or rekindle.

The vast majority of affairs do not survive the light of day.

Exposure is one of the best tools in the arsenal of a BS to cause damage to the A itself.

There are a few similarities in our situations, but a couple of stark differences. While you are mid thirties my WW was 22 and I BS 23. There is a big difference in maturity at the time of yours an ours affairs. We had been together 3.5 years, married for 1.5 at the time of Dday. Another difference with us is my WW confessed to me. Had she just ended the affair and not confessed I would never have known. Sometimes I wish that happened. I will now respond to you specific points;

1. I/we never told anyone, friends or family. Her AP was her boss. I found it hard to believe no one there was at least suspicious. She says no one knows. I thought she would have confided with her mother, but she swears no. Im sure she feared retribution from her parents. Although close to my parents and inlaws I couldn't share. I would look to be a complete failure. This was in my23 year old mind. They mostly would rally behind us to get back on track. Our families were close, no inlaw issues. All grew up together. The down side to not telling anyone is You Can Not Bear This Alone. It will eat you. I tried to confide in father inlaw, 2 brother inlaws but I would choke. they must have sensed something was wrong. You are experiencing trauma. Fight flight freeze. I froze. that was thirty five years ago. FYI, we are still together, 3 grown kids, 6 grandchildren.

2. As mentioned above, her AP was her boss. She remained working at this employer and he her boss for several years. Big mistake. She swears the affair was over at the time she confessed to me. Her whole office including boss socialized together for years. I never felt welcome from way before the affair. Once again I froze, fearing any change to the norm, like quitting a very good job would bring attention. There were several occaision over the next few years that trigger me into believing the affair restarted. Remember I mentioned trauma earlier. Given the time spread and reoccurance we are now into the area of PTSD. You don't want to go here. Talk to someone! dont bottle this up.

3. Nothing positive is gained by talking to the AP. I never had a conversation with AP aside when he first started working there. I had to speak with him sometimes if he answered the phone when I called her at their employment. Nothing more than this is "so and so" may I speak with my wife". Triggers and gut wrenching whenever that happened. This preceeds cell phones. Do not speak with AP.

4. As mentioned earlier, she remained employed there for several years. Their office crew often went out together at times. Whenever this happend I was on high alert. A couple of times there were overnight outings to concerts. I was urged not to worry nothing is going on. "So and so and others, we'll be all together". APs wife was going and other family members. Oh how comforting was that. Remember what I said about PTSD. Many people experience trauma. It turns into PTSD 6months or so after the intial trauma if you are still having sever triggers, heart rate, dreams, mind movies, sleepless nights. Believe me it sucks. I didn't mention earlier, concurrent to this I had some first responder stuff going on. It all adds ups and has a cumulative affect. Without the help of a qualified counselor, it doesn't just go away. We built a house during this time and children came along at about the 5 year mark post D day. 2 years later she left that employment and I had my first sense of safety. O contact with AP an only occasional contact with coworkers on chance meetings around town.

5. You need counselling for yourself, someone specializing in Trauma, betrayal trauma an infidelity. Your spouse also needs Idividual counselling to find out how and why she chose to step out of the marraige. Until you both get to the root of what is going on with yourselves Marraige counseling is a waste of time and money. I'm sure your marraige could use the counseling but not right now.

To give you the current situation with my wife and I. Infidelity struck our daughter when her husband stepped out not once but twice that she discovered. When my wife and her told me I likely looked like a ghost. I froze again just like 3 decades ago. I feared my wife may have shared our story. She says no, I told her I don't want any of our kids learning our about our past. This put me back into full blown trauma. I told here I can't go through this alone again. I sought counsel, treatment for PTSD and guidance for our marraige. WW can't bring herself to talk to a stranger about our problems, yet she got in bed with someone and shared herself. I don't get it. Im doing much better with my counseler and techniques to manage triggers. Im indebted to her coaching.

dont spend decades suffering with reminders and triggers.get the help you deserve. decide later whether you want to D or R.

I wish you the best
t

I am writing this post to seek advice on specific questions. First, some rather long context...

It's 6 weeks from Dday and I've never shared this story, not with anyone. The affair started from January 2024 to early April 2024 (3-4 months) with MM - MM has a young child too. Me and WW have been married for just under 2 years now, with no kids. We have been together for a total of 11 years. I am 36 and WW is 34.

Allegedly ended in April 2024, or underground. You don't know and your wife is a proven liar.

The revelation of the affair occurred when I stumbled upon texts exchanged between my spouse and MM. Following a confrontation, my partner admitted to the affair. According to her, it began with a kiss during a night out, evolving into sporadic meetings (mainly on nights out at bars) and exchanges of text messages over subsequent months. She maintains that the relationship did not progress physically beyond kisses, though I remain sceptical. I know that this was at least an emotional affair.

And you should remain skeptical. You need a complete written timeline and a polygraph to confirm (or to your discretion if you have sufficient means to confirm the accuracy and completeness of the timeline.

When I discovered the affair, she opened up to me about mental health issues she's been having for several months (to the point of experiencing suicidal thoughts). More recently, she has been signed off from work with stress and sought professional help from a doctor. She revealed that part of the affair stemmed from her inability to discuss her mental health concerns with me at the time. MM had been having marriage troubles and she said she was able to confide in him. While I recognize that our communication was lacking during that period, this revelation did not diminish the profound devastation I experienced upon learning of the affair.

My wife also struggled with mental health issues she wasn't willing to share with me, and it was a major issue she had to work through. It doesn't explain the affair itself, but it was a major underlying issue in our relationship. Her unwillingness to share with me had almost nothing to do with me our how I reacted to those conversations and much more to do with FOO issues and her expectation to not show such weakness as a wife and mother.

The past six weeks have been extremely tough, yet we are both committed to reconciliation. I think she is scared that I will leave her, while I'm scared that she still has feelings for MM. She wants things to "go back to normal" but I'm not sure things will ever go back to the old "normal" (interested on views on this).

She isn't really offering you commitment and certainty though, is she. She is offering the word of a proven liar, and you are presumably locking yourself into continued certainty for her. Make no mistake, you are currently in a one way agreement that is only granting security to your wife.

Things will not go back to normal. Not now or ever. You can find a new normal, but it will necessarily be different from the old normal in a number of significant ways. It will take 2-5 years to get there.

Only three of us know about the affair: myself, my spouse (WW), and MM. From my point of view, I want to keep it this way because if our family/friends found out about this, I would find it much harder to reconcile. Unsurprisingly, WW and MM are happy with this too. However, this brings with it's own challenges, and perhaps makes it harder for me, but this is a choice I am happy with (for now). I am also concerned that WW will always be anxious that I could potentially tell everyone, and therefore she may feel trapped with me to avoid the devastation that telling people about the affair would cause for her.

I think you are more scared about revealing it, than you are happy to keep it a secret. Sorry if this sounds accusative. How are you supposed to get support for this in real life if your friends don't know what you are going through? Just us internet strangers?

This also sends a bad message to your wife. That the affair is something that perhaps is worth hiding.

There are a few challenges that I'd like to get advice on:

1) Does anyone have any experiences (positive or negative) of keeping the affair secret from everyone else, including family and friends?

I've seen plenty of positive effects of revealing the A to people that could support me. I will add a caveat that because it is such a polarizing issue, and you are leaning toward R, that if you think this type of person would want to cut your wife out of their life, or otherwise only tell you that you are an idiot for considering R, you might want to hold off. This is a more practical consideration that you might want to manage knock on damage to your personal relationships with others. In other words, if you aren't certain someone you are telling would support you, be prepared that they might need to be cut out of your life.

2) MM (and his wife) are both in our wider social circle as a friend of a friend. While I want to avoid bumping into him as much as we can, there undoubtedly will be times when this is not possible. Is there a conceivable scenario in which encounters with MM, such as in a bar, could proceed without undue tension? Again, does anyone have any experiences (positive or negative) of the person their partner had an affair with still being in their lives?

No.

You will not be able to heal or R while AP is around.

3) Related to question 2, WW has suggested whether I would want to talk to MM - I have declined, but I want to know whether this would be a good idea or not?

Maybe if you get a written timeline, to compare the completeness and accuracy. They have probably prepared and compared stories so far though, so not super useful. It's also a possibility that emotions would spill over. Not sure I'd want to risk it.

4) Going forward, how can trust be rebuilt effectively? Despite assurances from my spouse, I find myself consumed by paranoia whenever she leaves the house. Striking a balance between allowing her freedom and managing my anxiety poses a significant challenge.

Not paranoia. Vigilance. She should share complete electronic transparency. You can't be the marriage police forever. For now though, you should be able to double check everything she says she does. That's how you build trust. Bit by bit. What she says matches what she does, with you having the ability to confirm it.

Trust is "rebuilt" at a rate half as fast as it is built originally and "implicit" trust never returns. It only gets worse if/when you find more lies.

5) Finally, regarding therapy, would individual sessions or couples counselling be more beneficial? Our initial experience with a couples therapist was less than ideal due to the therapist not meeting both our expectations, prompting my decision to pursue individual therapy. My spouse awaits confirmation for individual talking therapy from her physician.

Individual first. Marriage counseling is useful once you believe you are both being honest dealers.

Sorry for the long post and I appreciate anyone who has the time to have a read and give me any advice - all advice appreciated!

+1 for tell OBS. They deserve to know. What if OBS could have ended your wife's deception to you 6 weeks sooner? You become a participant in the lie by not telling OBS.

Holy Smokes, there are some amazing responses here! Great job, team SI!

I did tell the other BS and am so glad that I did. He called me his "life line" because for the last 3 1/2 years his WW made him feel crazy. Now he knows that he is not crazy, she's just been a cheating shitty partner. He and I have supported each other and I feel like his knowing has helped to add a safe guard for NC and helped my WH to see more deeply the damage he has caused.

Jason,

Dandelion wrote, I did tell the other BS and am so glad that I did. He called me his "life line" because for the last 3 1/2 years his WW made him feel crazy. Now he knows that he is not crazy, she's just been a cheating shitty partner.

What Dandelion wrote is more common than you think, I've seen many instances where stealthy and heartless cheaters continue their serial cheating and the wife or husband never has anything other than a strange uneasy feeling. Nobody who know has the guts to step forward.

Noting you can say to the BW is a lie it's no different than publishing the name of a bank robber in the news paper.

When you expose the affair to BW do it all at once without warning or threats especially to your WW or she will get the story straight with WW and possibly paint you as a crazy before hand.

[This message edited by survrus at 9:19 PM, Saturday, May 18th]