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RR-

You have to put it into context.

My husband is 4 years out from his affair. 3 years ago this august we sold everything and left for our RV trip. We were together every day except he had one or two business trips.

Now we are back in a house and life is getting back to a traditional life. A lot of healing happened in those three years. We basically have shut out everything and worked on healing and enjoying life. It was a luxury not many have and I think it really propelled us forward.

Now I am back to work As I stated I one of my earlier posts in this thread - it’s not about warding men off. I have zero concerns or interests in that. There won’t be any problems there, I have no doubts.

It’s a few things, I want my husband to know that I am proudly married and that I want others to see the symbol of that.

Two, I feel that we have really come to a good place in our reconciliation and I do miss having something special to look at as the symbol of that. It comes into focus is when you wear dress clothes again after living in shorts and flip flops and days longs pony tails. We were out adventuring, I probably would have had my ring off a lot during that time.

After all the shit we have been through, I feel like that’s one of the symbols of our romance for me to look at. The original ring was like that for me and made me happy when I would look at it. So maybe it’s about feeling connected during the day, it’s probably more something that always mattered to me but all these things happened with all my other rings and I just now feel ready to address it. I am back to reality and regular society type stuff and it just seemed to be the time.

This felt like a very loaded topic for us that I think can be less loaded now. The first ring and the second one were tainted by affairs one and two. This post was about what did I want that new symbol to be? What’s going to be the symbol of our fresh start? The whole thing felt so triggery that I just wanted to navigate it carefully.

I spoke to him yesterday about it after giving the stone a little thought. I have proposed to him we do something with Rose quartz because it’s supposed to represent unconditional love, healing, self love, peace. And that’s what I want the symbol to be about. We have made it through a very long shit show, and we still love each other, we are a family. So that fits for me and I am excited about it.

He loves this idea, and was very happy that I wanted to start wearing something again. He feels that I should get another band to wear with it so it makes the rose quartz read like an engagement ring since it’s not a traditional precious stone. Since both of my other bands were gold I think we are going to go with platinum to represent the strength of our bond. He is also interested in wearing a ring which was an added bonus and means a lot to me. So I think we are going to get the matching bands and then design the rose quartz ring through this person I found on Etsy.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:33 PM, Monday, May 20th]

Such a timely topic for me.

I had three rings - engagement, wedding, and anniversary. Since DDay, I've only worn my engagement ring because the other two were tainted.

We went camping last weekend, and I put my engagement ring on the straw of my tumbler when we went to bed. I forgot about it and now have no idea where it is. I'm not really upset about it, and told my H that it was missing, and he said, "I don't like that ring anyway. I messed that all up." Dude! I don't either!

He bought it himself without getting my input about what I might want, and it's TOTALLY not my style. I like simple, clean lines, and it was very... 1987. He went through a huge ordeal trying to get the funds to buy it before his leave was over, and then he drove me to the jewelry store to pick it up and proposed right there at the counter in front of the saleswoman. He's a romantic guy, and that was not romantic.

Anyway - it seems to be gone, and neither of us really care all that much. It really feels like big, good changes are happening in life right now, and maybe it was time for a symbol of the old life to take its leave. If it turns up, cool. If it doesn't, that's alright too.

When we got married, we were young and very broke, and he traded a shotgun for two gold rings, a toaster, and some silverware. Not even kidding. His Marine buddy was getting a divorce, and we put his old, tainted rings on our fingers. When we got mine resized, it warped and turned ugly. Right after DDay, I took mine off and haven't worn it since. He crushed his in a press at work, carried it in his wallet while we were separated, and then symbolically threw it in the lake on our first anniversary after we started R. I replaced his with a titanium band. It was too large, so we bought the same ring again a size smaller, and he wears one on each hand. He loves his rings.

"I'm guilty of having an affair so I am making myself feel better" ring.

I got one of those, too. His first A was right before he deployed to Desert Storm. When he came home almost a year later, he spent a good chunk of the savings I had amassed in his absence (he's a spendthrift and I'm a saver) to buy an eternity ring. It's so very tainted, and has sat in my jewelry box since DDay.

I've tried out other rings over the years, but nothing seems quite right. An old wedding band of my dad's. A gorgeous 14 carat emerald cut amethyst on a simple gold band that I love, but that H doesn't like on that particular finger. I'm not sure what I want. I'm good with simple and inexpensive. Hell, I'm good with CZ. I don't care all that much. Just not sure what I want...

So I think we are going to get the matching bands and then design the rose quartz ring through this person I found on Etsy.

❤️

I have proposed to him we do something with Rose quartz because it’s supposed to represent unconditional love, healing, self love, peace. And that’s what I want the symbol to be about. We have made it through a very long shit show, and we still love each other, we are a family. So that fits for me and I am excited about it.

I love this so much!

I might copy off your paper.

Feel free, Sacred! I am glad you understand why this is all so triggery. It's loaded with past and hopes for the present and future and I wanted a clear picture of what I was asking for when we sat down to kind of keep us out of the loaded part and focusing more on the solution part. Because I knew no matter what it was, I wanted it to be untainted by bad feelings in any way.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:45 PM, Monday, May 20th]

Hiking,

Was not actually worried about you reverting back to 'old ways', as you had pursued improvement with such tenacity and authenticity that it was not a 'real' consideration of a relapse.

I kinda get where you are coming from now.

A thing I got out of your post was Pride. Not in a bad sense, but of the heart swelling kind. Pride of being married, that you guys made it through the other side, of being healed, and you want a symbol of it (to wistfully look at it whilst at your desk and twirling your hair ).

He is also interested in wearing a ring which was an added bonus and means a lot to me. So I think we are going to get the matching bands and then design the rose quartz ring through this person I found on Etsy.

Ya know, this makes me happy for both of you.

"It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life"

Bravo!

RR

Thank you. Yes, I am proud of us. But I think some of what I feel is relief, mixed with hope that is based on reality. We had fun during the trip but it felt like maybe a bit of escapism? But since we moved back in September, it feels more real that I don’t have to pick the heavy shit back up? I feel lighter than I have in as long as I can remember. We are in another transition stage settling into the home we have been renovating, and for the first time in a long time I have been feeling possibilities flowing, replacing a deep sense of dread. Maybe it’s spring. Maybe it’s finding out our next grandkids are on the way- twins! Life is good.

I appreciate your support over the years.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:40 AM, Tuesday, May 21st]

Maybe it’s finding out our next grandkids are on the way- twins!

Congratulations!

Anyway, knew you would make it, after all, you two spent almost 3yrs cooped up together in a tin box and did not end up killing each other! If anyone survives a situation like that, you can survive anything!

If you want bigger test, how about sailing for 3yrs in a small boat....?

Hikingout, it seems you came to a good place on this. I think your plan is well thought out and affirming of your marriage. Perfect.

As I read, I remembered that when I decided I would try R with my fWW, I got her a necklace that had a simple diamond in a "Hercules Knot". She cried. When we were to a point that we could say we were well down the road of R, I gave her a matching ring with the same knot.

What I wished she could have said was "When I accepted this ring at our wedding, it is clear I did not know entirely what commitment meant. I failed. I did not live up to it or my vows. But I have learned. What infidelity has taught me is how important you, and our marriage is. So while I have not lived up to the promises I made then, I know I can now, and I want to wear a symbol of your acceptance of that from me, and my love for you." I think she said that in her own way. But it was important to hear her tell me how much she wanted to keep the wedding band and engagement ring. How much she needed that symbol that I have not cast her off after she failed. She also would bring me my ring, any time I would get angry and leave it on my dresser. She would say, "we are not done." Symbols matter, if there is real meaning behind them.

For our anniversary, I recently got her another ring. We too RV, camp, hike and travel. It is simple, silver, with trees around the band. On the inside, it says "Of all the paths you take in life, make sure a few of them are dirt." a quote from John Muir. She loves it. It says a lot about us.

We are not the sum of the mistakes we make in life. We are made up of the lessons we have learned and the paths we have taken. You and your husband walked hard paths, but found a way to come back together. I think both of you deserve to carry a symbol of what you have learned and fought for.

Thank you for that. What you are saying you wanted to hear is true. I had good intentions in marrying him, and though I couldn’t see what would come in year 20, I think I have said some of this but you are right it might be a good time to say all the things. I have been thinking of doing a little trading of rings under the trees in our back yard, just he and I. Kind of a little ritual thing to make the rings have a good memory of putting them on. So your words were timely, I will consider them as I plan for that moment.

Hi Hikingout!

Firstly, so many kudos to you for all of the amazing work you've done for yourself and in turn, your relationship together. A few questions...what does a ring mean for you? Do you have any feelings that come up? Like this rubber band placement ring you're currently wearing...what does it *mean* for you as you wear it?

Based on your expressed feelings about the other two rings, I would say those are not options. It sounds to me like there's feelings that come up for you at a gifted ring from your partner that in your case not only expresses your unity together but the challenges you have both overcome to be where you are now with each other. Those other two would not do that for you given their history. They'd likely bring up entirely different and maybe even unpleasant emotions instead.

Hi maise,

The rubber ring really is fine in the way it’s still a symbol, I just don’t find it attractive/feminine/comfortable to wear.

A ring to me does still symbolize love and commitment. I agree it didn’t stop me from cheating, but for 20 years it meant something and I wanted it to mean something again.

But I was looking for something that was also kind of symbolic of where we are nowZ that’s why I am not trying to go out and be traditional, I wanted something unique that represents where we have been and where we are going and a renewal of commitment to our path together.

But I was looking for something that was also kind of symbolic of where we are nowZ that’s why I am not trying to go out and be traditional, I wanted something unique that represents where we have been and where we are going and a renewal of commitment to our path together.

Your feelings are valid. That's what it sounded like to me in your original post as well. I haven't had the chance to read some of your responses to others. My thought would be to approach your husband from this space of vulnerability and sharing your feelings and what it means to you, while also asking him how he feels about new rings/or something symbolic to see where he is on the whole thing. I know you mentioned that talking to him about it wasn't coming as easily to you. Are you still struggling with that idea? If so, what is coming up for you when you think about having this conversation?

[This message edited by maise at 9:45 PM, Tuesday, May 21st]

Hi Maise,

We had the conversation on Sunday.

I wanted to just have in mind what I was proposing straight because the other two rings have been tainted by all of the happenings. I wanted to be careful in my approach because I wanted this to be a happy thing, not something we had to wrestle with and go down triggery conversations.

I have proposed to him that we design a rose quartz ring to symbolize unconditional love, healing, peace, and self love. And he was very happy about that. He suggested we do new bands so it reads more like an engagement ring, and I think it’s been a positive thing we can both be happy about. I just wanted to go in with knowing what I wanted so we didn’t go down a rabbit hole.

That's awesome! I'm so happy for you both! I understand the want to have discussions and being cautious not to make them a triggery thing. I'm so glad you both came out with a beautiful meaningful solution.

I'm really happy for you, hikingout!

Thanks, blue!

Hiking,

I’m late to the thread, sounds like it worked out.

I saw you mentioned the word ‘tainted’ about previous rings, and I certainly understand bad vibes with ‘guilt’ ring.

My perspective is a bit different about wedding rings. I’m also not sure I’ve chimed in about this understandably difficult topic.

Anyway, my wife and I haven’t ever taken the original ones off.

I don’t see our rings as tainted.

After nearly 37-years of being hitched, the rings have dents, scratches, and are a bit beaten up and battle scarred.

So are we.

We figure the rings had good days and horrific days and seem to be a proper reflection of us and the highs and lows of the marriage, including a fairly sentimental feeling about them now that we’re on the other side of healing.

I get why people ditch the old ones or never wear rings again.

It sounds like you found a unique, collaborative solution, which is cool!