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He's apologetic, but he's still in contact with the AP so he ain't that sorry.

He's upset that you're bitter and can't get over it, but he's still in contact with the AP, so what is there to get over? It's still an active A, like leafields said.

I am angry and annoyed with him but the truth is I am withdrawn and cold and do remind him about what has happened so I don’t know how much responsibility to take here for this.

Take zero responsibility. What he wants is for you to shut up about it, be the subservient little wife and mother appliance, and let him do what he wants while plastering a smile on your face and doling out sex. Angry, annoyed, withdrawn, and cold are all natural reactions to betrayal and blame-shifting.

Have you ever seen the TikTok of that little girl named Paris who's trying to get her sister, London, to tell her the name of the girl who's bullying her? Paris is ready to handle business for London. That's how I feel about your H. Tell me his name.

I have seen that video, and felt like everybody needs a Paris in their life.

I know this probably has been spoken about loads before so just a bit of a rant. I had let go of loads of this anger but yesterday we were discussing his job and people at his other office. Anyway, he got talking about one staff member who got really drunk at the Christmas party and then because he had been talking about that staff member, I stupidly asked about the AP and if she was with the guy that she had been flirting with. He said she was and I know i should be happy about it (she has finally moved in, I don’t have to be lon alert) but I wasn’t. I was really mad as she is very young and pretty it just made me think that she doesn’t realise the damage that has been done. I was annoyed with my husband too and didn’t sleep. I have let go of some of the snidy comments I make but not all of them. Like when he brings up having another baby ‘ I am like don’t you realise that I am too hurt and don’t trust you to even consider this’.

I think he does get the damage he has done but is so full of shame. I have really withdrawn emotionally and he criticises me a lot for not showing him any love for etc and then I get annoyed and bring up the A. Iit is like this constant cycle we are in. I also feel like I have lost so much respect for him. I get his need for physical affection which just isn’t mine. Also I do 90% of the childcare so I am exhausted.

I had to quote the original post so I could stay on topic.

I totally understand being angry with the AP and how it often seems like they got to just move on like they weren’t a part of wrecking your world. But maybe think about it like this, the AP wasn’t a healthy person themself, if they chose to engage with someone that wasn’t single and free. So unless the AP does some work on themselves, they won’t ever truly be happy themselves, regardless of what their lives may look like in the surface.

I know that’s not much comfort, because we prefer that the person that participated in our betrayal suffer in ways that we can see, but unfortunately, it doesn’t always work that way.

I don’t know anything about anything, but I think it is a problem that your husband criticizes you for withdrawing emotionally. WTF else are you supposed to do in a situation like this, when he has shown and is still showing that he is not a safe partner for you? His so called "shame" is his to deal with and work through, and for him to figure out that hiding behind "shame" is not productive, if that’s even what he really feels and isn’t just a pretense to try to manipulate you. Either way, it’s his to deal with, get past and move on to something more productive if he really wants something better with you. Or even just for himself to be healthier.

Have a baby?! What the what?! That solves nothing, and is just another way to try to keep you tied to him and make it more difficult for you to leave if/when you decide you need to. You better NOT!

Unfortunately, it’s pretty simple. You will be angry and not begin healing g until he starts to take responsibility.

You're not in reconciliation. You're in a quasi limbo. He's not reconciliation material until he can put aside his immaturity, entitlement (to your complete forgiveness), and ego.

Thank you so much for the replies. I appreciate them. I can say that I am getting stronger, I was reflecting pre the affair, I felt like I walked on egg shells, afraid of his outbursts when he would name call me. I no longer feel this way and when he does it I stand up to him so these are not happening anymore. I don’t respect him as much anymore so I care less about him being upset.

I think you are right, about my children treating me like he did. I have noticed it with my son but I am getting stronger there too. They idealise him too which I have a feeling is the relationship my husbands mum and dad had. He died young but is idolised but I don’t think he actually treated his mum very well.

I am slowly getting there, baby steps but Ian so grateful for this forum and it helps me see I am not crazy person. I think my husband is good at emotional manipulation (maybe not a conscious thing). and I realise his thing about having a baby is maybe not conscious, his way of ensuring I stay. I have said no and he keeps every now again bringing it up. Asking the kids if they want another sibling saying mummy doesn’t want one.

Also you are all right about the OW. She was only 22. She doesn’t know what it was like to have your husband run off while you had a 6 month old baby. I personally would not have done that at her age or keep in contact with him for so long but I am sure he fed her ‘my life is crap’ that I have had for the past two years.