SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have to say, I vaguely remember your posts. Long, long time ago. 20+ years ago for me as well. I chose D at the time.
You know, we’ve all seen WS such as yours. I can’t remember a time where someone like that ever made any strides in remorse until serious consequences were coming right at them. Maybe someone else here does, but I don’t.
It’s never too late to make decisions. Think of your recovery as it was just put in suspended animation. Because you’re going to get many variations from her of "it was so long ago.., blah blah blah" the more you get into this, and you NEED to get this dealt with one way or another.
Decide what you want. More of what you have now til the end of your life or something else?

You know, we’ve all seen WS such as yours. I can’t remember a time where someone like that ever made any strides in remorse until serious consequences were coming right at them. Maybe someone else here does, but I don’t.

OhItsYou:

That’s a troubling reality and illustrates why you don’t do what I did - enter a half-assed reconciliation with ineffective counseling that allowed her to blame her affair on the problems in the marriage. I think any form of counseling that does that should be outlawed.

There were good reasons to commit to reconciliation, and I do believe my five children benefited from growing up in a stable, really loving in most ways (after the affair ended), home.

In retrospect I wish I would have waited to disclose what I knew until I had met with a lawyer, considered all my options, and then exposed everything all at once to her, the OM and the OM’s wife, along with a filing for divorce. And if at that point she begged to reconcile then it would be with a therapist who understood this issue thoroughly and didn’t allow her to blame the marriage.

For anyone just entering this Valley of the Shadow of Death, learn from my mistakes. You have a chance to do it right, now.

Now, I need to commit to dealing with this correctly now so I don’t return to SI ever again with this sob story wondering why I’m in the fix I’m in.

Sorry if you’ve answered this already, and please dont think I put what you did and what she did on an equal plane, but did you ever apologize for the pain you caused in your earlier years? Do you think she believes you showed remorse for that in her mind?

I tend to be a bit passive aggressive I know, but I also believe in honesty stating what you need to stay in a relationship and then beginning the process to move on Alone until you get it.

So if you’re going to ask for a display of true remorse it’s possible you’ll need to remind her how you showed the same to her, perhaps even restating it, when you then are ready to ask her to give you what you desire.

So it would be helpful to know if you feel you delivered to her what you are looking for from her before I am able to give more thorough advice.

Thanks.

Steve:

Great point. I believe I have, but would not be surprised if she feels a need to dig into that area as well. I’m more than happy to go there.

I’m wrestling also whether it’s a show of remorse I need or moreso just full and complete answers from that era in our lives that I don’t believed I got - disclosure was a few answered questions in one counseling session that nailed down her statements about when the affair started and ended and a bit of the in between - but there is much more I’d like to ask about - including whether the affair continued for a time underground - which I suspect.

I’m not saying you are, but don’t get yourself caught up in the mindset of "oh if I had just done it right the first time." I made almost every mistake in the book. At first.
Your head was spinning faster than you could have caught it at the time.
Now, you have your head on mostly straight. You know what you should have done then, so do it now.
Back then was the best time to deal with this correctly. Right now is the second best time.

Maybe you tried to close the book on all of that through your own healing by addressing your own demons. But part of the unfaithfuls journey is addressing their demons and attoning for them. Resuming your marriage and sex life even with full fidelity is not addressing her demons. Remorse and empathy are pretty fundamental parts of her journey. Your looking for puzzle pieces blind folded. In the end I assume you want to know that she values you enough to give you that. The whole you, not just the safety and security you provide. Maybe you were too afraid to let her go. I know I was. But I did and I divorced her. I am happy with my choice - in the end true remorse and change on her part outweighed the fear of letting her go. The fear of rebuilding my life. Being locked in and fully invested is difficult without someone who is as equally invested. At this point she has alot more to lose. And lot more gain by addressing her demons. Rip the bandaid off imo. The wound is still ripe with pain. Maybe you can grow together - ideally that's what two partners should strive for. Maybe she's also dying inside to get the remorse out but is also paralyzed by fear as well. Maybe her fear is different than yours but the only way you two can heal from it is by facing it.

JB,

I’m wrestling also whether it’s a show of remorse I need or moreso just full and complete answers from that era in our lives that I don’t believed I got - disclosure was a few answered questions in one counseling session that nailed down her statements about when the affair started and ended and a bit of the in between - but there is much more I’d like to ask about - including whether the affair continued for a time underground - which I suspect.

I think this is the crux of your problem.

You have too many unanswered questions about your WWs A. What is stopping you from asking those questions now? You seem scared to ask your WW questions that you have a right to have answers to? Are you worried that she could confirm what you fear?

You do realise that by letting your WW keep secrets of her A, her A still continues in some form of another. There are still things she holds dear between her and her AP, and she could well be holding on to them fondly, hence her apparent lack of remorse.

At the moment, you are giving up parts of yourself to make sure others are comfortable. Keeping the family blissfully unaware of what happened, whilst you are dying inside.

If your goal is to keep everyone else happy at your own expense, then carry on. If you would like to heal yourself, then you will need to crack a few eggs.

RR