SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I also learned here about the zombie marriage that was possible, the one that would have me giving much less encouraging updates every ten years. I knew pretty much the whole time that that was to be avoided at all fucking costs.

That's what my M was headed for. I had become a zombie in my M I stayed waaaay too long but I guess needed that time to get strong enough to leave.

I am happy to read your update and am glad life is going so well for you!

He hits me up for advice now.

When I was binging Gottman content, I remember being struck by the principle that a healthy relationship involves mutual influence. That to say that your statement there feels to me like the ultimate state of parenting adults. I tip my hat to you, sir.

Sounds like you are getting there. Every year will bring a new stage of healing until you are just living your life.

I wouldn’t be where I am without you, of that I have no doubt.

We plan for another year of nesting. It’s gone well enough that I’m glad to have done it for the kids. But it remains a connection to an old life. We shall see what the next few years bring, I’m hopeful.

My son graduated high school this year. We threw the customary shindig to celebrate. It put me in the house with her for pretty much a full day. There were plenty of other people around (including her new boyfriend) to insulate, but still it was uncomfortable and weird. To feel the anxious energy field that she throws off again after being free from it for so long. To watch her new beau try to placate her in ways that I recognized were my old duties. It was odd. And then to come to the end of it, things cleaned up and ready to part ways again. I thanked her for her efforts. She very distinctly refused to reciprocate. Typical, but still disappointing.
I’m not triggered, she has no hooks in me anymore to impact me. Probably just contemplating that I’ve got life long ties with her because of the kids that I wish I didn’t. And that makes me kind of sad.

IH-

Sad today, but I imagine the high road you took today will be the one you take every time you have to deal with her.

Truth is self-evident.

Even if she doesn’t admit things, or reciprocate a kindness in the business as usual attitude, she still KNOWS you took that high road. You did with protecting your kids, with protecting you and again, even being nice when you didn’t have to be.

Hopefully, the good days ahead will eventually triumph over the co-parenting long haul, with you taking that high road right around her.

To say that I'm happy that you're moving on with your life and that you're deftly navigating moments like your son's graduation as if you were Willem Schouten around Cape Horn is an understatement!

I am curious... why do you think your relationship with your son has improved so much?

Well InkHulk, look at it this way: You DID get your kids out of your marriage to XWW, and if nothing else you and they only got closer since that bomb was dropped into your life and your XWW revealed her scorpion nature. The one recurring cost--besides alimony [?] that is--is that your kids' mom is that crazy woman who will be at the events moving forward. Congratulations to your son!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:18 PM, Thursday, June 4th]

I’ve got life long ties with her because of the kids that I wish I didn’t. And that makes me kind of sad.

This is true but you don't always need shared events. I mean a wedding I can understand. I did separate graduation celebrations. I am still basically no contact with my xWS I just don't see the point in having any contact with him anymore unless there is an emergency. I know this differs from situation to situation but having little to no contact with my ex is the healthiest for me. It's sad but he's very manipulative and I can't put myself back in that mindset ever again. It doesn't sound this way with your ex, but maybe you can limit shared events like this in the future and just do them separately.

To say that I'm happy that you're moving on with your life and that you're deftly navigating moments like your son's graduation as if you were Willem Schouten around Cape Horn is an understatement!

Obscure, but made me laugh.

I am curious... why do you think your relationship with your son has improved so much?

I think it’s that my interactions with him were no longer filtered thru her and my emotional energy was directed to the kids, not her. My ex made me out to be an awful father, her constant undermining of my decisions in front of the kids weakened my standing with them. I’ve also focused a lot of my life on my kids. He has been particularly receptive, so it’s been easy to keep investing. We spent the winter buying and fixing old motorcycles (he’s a mechanical prodigy), got matching tattoos. I also took a stance with him that I knew I couldn’t be a heavy handed parent at all with him. He’s very independent, frankly he had to largely raise himself and help with his siblings over the last years. I’ve approached him like he’s an adult cause he earned that. I’ve done everything I can to try to show him that someone on this earth will give to him rather than just take from him, and he’s responded to that really well.

I went on vacation with my daughter recently. She directly told me that I damaged my relationships with them my trying to reconcile with my ex. She told me she wanted me to divorce as soon as it came to light. I could only acknowledge that it was true, apologize and try to repair going forward. The "stay for the kids" thing is a total fallacy from where I’m standing these days.

You DID get your kids out of your marriage to XWW, and if nothing else you and they only got closer since that bomb was dropped into your life and your XWW revealed her scorpion nature.

My daughter has recently told me things about how she was treated by her mother growing up that I frankly still found shocking even after all this. I honestly would not have believed her if she had told me before all of this. That is hard for me to admit, but I know I would have defended my wife and minimized my daughter’s concerns. Even writing it now I have a hard time accepting how awful she has proved herself to be.

This is true but you don't always need shared events.

I remember talking with my siblings as young adults and constantly trying to manage how to split time with our divorced parents. It sucked. I’ll do my best to do what works for my kids. It’s inevitable that they will now be caught in that middle, and I hate that for them.

Four years! Egads!
I’m glad to see you and your kids getting on with life. Wishing you well.
P.S. your wife was a dimwit.

So oftentimes it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key"

Often quoted. Great Eagles song.

Glad to hear a positive update and I love the story about your son. 👍🏻