SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm asking for some prayers to get through this week. Dday of one year is Wednesday. We have a wedding on Friday and Saturday (my kids are in it).

I hate thinking about last year...how oblivious I was. How can people choose to want sex outside of years of marriage is just beyond me. I do not understand how that is even an option. So yeah. I'm just struggling this week and dreading hearing vows, knowing how little his meant.

Demolishedinside,

Dday and a wedding all in a matter of days? Yes, I'll keep you in my prayers.

As for how our S's could hurt us like they have, it is sometimes beyond me too. I mean, we all get tempted, and the enemy is so good at making sure opportunities present themselves, yet we remain faithful. Bottom line? They were/are weak and usually very needy. And while in R, we need to be mindful of those weaknesses and needs. Our eyes now are wide open as, I suppose, I wish mine had always been.

We are in a position now to help where we never even knew there was a need before Dday. Good luck to you this week and in the weeks to come! It really does get easier...

Thank you, needfriendshare. Yeah, the dates could not be worse. I am strong and these are great people. I have to do this. I can melt down after. My hope is to see hope somehow in their love. God, I just...wish, you know? I had such hope in truth and love 16 years ago.

(((Demolishedinside))) and many prayers, too.

I'm with you in this struggle and have two weddings I should be going to in the two weeks surrounding D-day anniversary, first wedding is 4/30. I can go to neither because AP sister is one wedding and she will be at my brother's also. Family is coming to town and will be angry with me for skipping, but I just can't torture myself by seeing her. You are so strong to face this and be there and I will pray for peace throughout the wedding for you.

Keeping you in my prayers everyday Needsfriendshere.

Faithfulfeathers,

Thank you so much for your prayers. I can really use them!

I also keep you in mine. As for those weddings, goodness! I would not be able to go either if I were you. Too bad your AP sister won't be sensitive enough to stay home from one of them so that you could go. Don't give a second thought to what anyone thinks either. They are not in your shoes and could have no idea how you feel. You need to look after you now.

When our lives have been shattered and we are trying to put them and ourselves back together, we need our space, our boundaries, and our sense of safety and security.

I have had to make some pretty huge changes in my life to even begin to feel safe. And to bring healing. And that's ok. I feel no guilt, no remorse, and have no regrets. You shouldn't either.

@demolishedinside Thank you - your sympathy really means a lot.

I don't think I've had to deal with a wedding post D-day, but I've blocked a lot of things out, lol. I can imagine how difficult that will be. I will pray for you, that you will feel God's perfect, unfailing love for you in a very personal way.

Prayers and hugs to all on this site. I am asking for your prayers for me to get through this week as its a tough one. FWH working a lot and kids so busy I won't have much time to regroup, so just feeling I need extra prayers for God to guide me through as I worry . Thank you all.

praying

Thank you Needsfriendshere

Praying hard for all of you here and hugs to you Stilllovesadly.

I've had a good revelation that follows some of the wonderful things said here and it has helped me immensely. Wanting to leave my marriage, but unable to for the moment. I had been feeling trapped. Then realized that maybe I'm right where God wants me to be, so that if nothing else, I can be here to answer my newly saved husband's questions.

Even if it doesn't end the way I would like, supporting his walk at this point will bless him and my children and if I was not stuck, then I wouldn't be here to answer and set an example.

There is peace in knowing that God will meet me where I'm at and that He has reasons I can't even fathom in the moment.

Hugs and prayers to you, faithful feathers.

How can people choose to want sex outside of years of marriage is just beyond me. I do not understand how that is even an option.

Man.....I know this spot well! Demolishedinside....at only 1 year out you are probably just coming out of shock and into reality.

I had such hope in truth and love 16 years ago.

I did too!

I'm just struggling this week and dreading hearing vows, knowing how little his meant.

yeah...

I get these feelings....to the core I get them.

Couple things I have come to accept as truth over my false assumptions.

First, my wife choosing adultery had nothing to do with me, or our 2 girls....our wedding vows, OM, OM's 5 kids, or other BS. It had everything to do with her and her pattern of choosing.

Adultery was not a single, bad choice....and it wasn't in your husbands case either. The ability to choose such a grievous sin is ONLY made possible after a pattern of repeatedly choosing "lesser offending sin". Again, at only a year out I don't expect you to fully get this...it took me over 2 years to own it as the reality it is.

Second, loosing hope in truth and love. Has your husband uncovered what caused him to loose hope in truth and love? This is a BIG DEAL. For everyone who commits adultery has given up on truth and love....thats mandatory for adultery to be chosen. If truth and love were allowed to exist, adultery would not. Deception and lust are present in LARGE quantities are needed for adultery to be produced.......and that pattern was there, but hidden from you, in your husband before he even met his fOW.

Third,who is really in the know on what love is at 20 something? I sure didn't, neither did my wife. We had our ideas....but in our situation we based "love" on the opposite of what our FOO showed us. Both of our FOO had abuse, neglect and abandonment as our inheritance.

Have since learned a very good definition of love

Love = truth + grace and mercy

Dang....that grace and mercy part is tough! Especially following the trauma that DD's produce in a person.

Sin of all nature eventually kills hope and keeps truth from entering ones life....keeps us in bondage.

demolishedinside....I know this was a bold response to your prayer request. I hope it comes across in the comforting and encouraging way i meant for it to. I am coming up on 4 years from my first DD.....its still tough. I am not all healed, but I am far better then I was. Thank God.

You are growing and healing too.

Is your husband sharing and showing you he is changing yet?

It took my wife almost 2 years to come out of the "Its someone else's fault!" stance......I look back and shutter to see how MY long-standing, intimacy limiting and killing patterns made her continued choices acceptable to me. But that will be the topic of my next post here.

I pray a specific prayer for courage, discernment and peace within the battle you have found yourself thrust into, demolishedinside.

Okay guys....I am most certainly under attack here. I recognize it, I trust God is with me, but it still hurts and is tough.

Spent a weekend away fishing....LOVED it! Found myself fighting a hidden dread of returning home. I know this was satan, but I felt safer by myself. I recognize this as a long-standing pattern of mine......intimacy from a distance. Through this trial I understand my deep motivation for this, and it has to do with the lies I told myself to make it through a childhood of abuse and neglect\abandonment. The lie was "See? You are better off by yourself. If anything good is going to happen, its up to you!"

Its tempting to believe that lie....cause if I do, I don't have to chance really connecting with my wife. And that challenges another lie I believed for 30 years. "If I don't deeply connect with someone, I won't ever get hurt again like I was as a boy!"

There is also a cafe I will no longer go to as one of the waitress's was rather friendly to me...too friendly. It felt too good.

My wife had a great weekend away that enriched her spiritually. She shared some really deeply personal stuff initially....now I sense she is retreating. I expected this to happen.....it was pretty bold of her to share as she too struggles with admitting she desires to TRUTHFULLY connect with anyone else. Still....it has me with voices in my head "See? She's thinking about him again...wishing she could share this with him, not you."

That first year after DD I did all kinds of stupid things....I helped my wife remodel a building for her business, took way too much (almost all) responsibility for her affair, begged her to stay..........ugh. I am not "that guy" anymore, but I still blush when I think about it. My actions back then are complicating my thought and decision making process as her business grows and we contemplate buying the building she is in. And I hate that. I have no doubt she is NOT into an affair. I have many reasons to believe she has broken much of her pattern of living that led to her affair.....and yet I still here that voice "Watch it....she's going to screw you again!" Lord help me, that is what I hear sometimes.....

Look....I know these are lies.

I know these temptations are not bad luck or coincidences.

But even knowing that I find a draw to them.

Thankfully I have a few good men in my life....but I wanted to put this here to help me process through it and refrain from doing something stupid.

This is a battle folks.

We are all healing and growing, but satan is after our hope and desires to kill our hearts.

It is good to see this as it is....but even with this knowledge it is a struggle.

Was hoping that at 4 years out summers wouldn't be tainted by what happened during that summer 4 years ago....but it is.

Really hoping this doesn't discourage others. To be clear, these are all FEELINGS within me. NO facts are present to support any of this crap...but my feelings can be so strong at times they still tempt me to fancy them "facts".

Praying for discernment....the ability to remain still when I need to, and the courage to act when God opens doors for me.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:16 PM, April 26th (Tuesday)]

Blakesteele,

You are in my prayers every day! As for your latest post, I think a lot of us struggle with some of the same issues.

My H has been wonderful lately but I imagine I will fear his straying again on some level for years to come. If he becomes distant, critical, or snippy for any reason, it is where my mind will go. And that will just be me being cautious and alert for potential signs that our M may need a tune-up. My personal prayer is that I will never "miss the signs" again. Don't be too hard on yourself.

As for feeling better when you're on your own? Again, when you are alone, you are in a safe place. As long as you don't stay there - as long as you go back to your W at the end of the day or weekend or whatever, it's o.k. It's ok to feel happy and safe in your own skin. When you are with your W, there is work to do. R takes a lot of work. Being alone sometimes feels good over here too!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're o.k. You will come through whatever part of this is an attack just fine. You seem to be quite aware of temptations when they come your way, as well as attacks designed to bring you down. You are asking for discernment. That's a good prayer and one that God seems to be answering already. It comes through in much of what you share.

Praying for discernment for all of us. It is so important in in being able to see where God wants us to go.

Blakesteele, your post is not discouraging in the least. It's a testament in how far you've come to be able to recognize what your going through and where it's from. Satan does attack, but when we can see it, we can rebuke it.

Satan attacks me most in my sleep. I remember waking myself up as a child by saying "I rebuke you in Jesus name" during some really bad dreams. It hadn't happened since childhood, but I've woken myself from nightmares about once a week saying that this last year.

It's amazing how powerful His name can be. So I am trying to call for His help in my days as I do in my sleep.

Thanks guys!

I know my past patterns did not produce the fruit I thought I was growing. And I'm not talking about my wifes affair...thats her fruit to own, I did not tend that garden. Have actually seen how little I was invited into her garden. I also see clearly how she kept the OM out of her true garden too....and that helped me own for myself what is spoken of often, that affairs are a result of waywards choices and NOT of the doing of the betrayed.

But my own pattern of choosing did not invite my wife into my true garden either. Our lack of ability to be honest and vulnerable was actually what attracted us to each other....there was more, but that is a very real, very sobering fact.

NOW I see us both struggle to be vulnerable.

Yes, it makes sense for a betrayed to be cautious following D-day....but my struggle to be vulnerable started waaayyy before I was a BS or even knew the term "betrayed spouse".

I know some of you on this thread WERE living honestly and boldly and being vulnerable to your spouses.....I was not that guy.

I see that now.

I want to change that.

My struggle is within that process....and satan knows my weakness.

Like faithfulfeathers points out, its uber helpful that I know my weakness.....so that when I get attacked there my response is disciplined enough so as to be productive. In the past I have chosen poorly in response to being hit in my weak spots.

REALLY helps to be experiencing healing and growth in areas within me that have been wounded and have remained immature for decades......almost like parts of me stopped maturing at age 11, honestly.

And that realization was only had through similar treatment by my wife as I experienced back then.

......odd. huh?

The almost stunted growth is something I have recognized in my father for years. He had a traumatic incident and seemed to be stuck at about 8 in so many areas. It was kind of obvious to me in my husband, but not at all obvious in myself until the affair.

The affair turned me into a blubbering child again that was in distress because my mother stood by and watched my father's abuse of me...total abandonment issue.

The affair left me in a place that was so broken because the two people in my life who had any responsibility to protect me (mother and husband) had either caused or left me to be harmed.

The cool thing in hindsight, is that it allowed me to address things with my mother that I was almost unaware of in everyday life. It also made me realize how even though the vulnerability was there with my husband, I had shut him out in some areas. So it gives me the ability to work on these hidden issues and bring them into the light.

I really appreciate you sharing how you are working through this Blakesteele. It offers a chance to reexamine and look closer at some things as I reflect.

Its tempting to believe that lie....cause if I do, I don't have to chance really connecting with my wife. And that challenges another lie I believed for 30 years. "If I don't deeply connect with someone, I won't ever get hurt again like I was as a boy!"

I think a big part of the battle is recognizing this. It's why I believe self awareness is the first line of defense against Satan. When we don't know why we think/feel/act the way we do, there's a voice that whispers you do/feel/act these ways because you're bad, unworthy, unlovable, not good enough, etc. At least that has been true for me. Once I started off down the road of figuring out why, it shed so much light. It doesn't make everything rosy and easy but it does make it easier to understand and figure out what I need to do next.

I'm also currently struggling with the lies. I've fallen into a deep depression. After learning about my husband's affair, I've learned a lot of things about our marriage. He was over stepping boundaries from day one. Long line of women who thought he wanted a relationship with him (handing him phone numbers, giving him hotel keys, inviting back to their house, etc) he's always said he doesn't do anything to encourage it. It's become too blindingly obvious to deny that he does encourage it. He hasn't crossed the physical line (except the time in August and an incident with a stripper) but even as recent as December and March, two more incidents with two different women.

So my lie is that my whole/marriage was a lie. And I'm mad at him. He wasn't happy about the amount of sex he was getting and decided to withhold all affection from me. I only found this out recently. During that time, I fell into a deep depression but didn't know why. I knew that things weren't good between us but didn't know why. It was likely this situation that triggered the subsequent mania which was when the affair occurred. My doctor, therapist, and interestingly even my husband, agree that it was most likely these events that caused the mania (to be clear, not the affair, the mania.) But I'm having a hard time not being angry and not blaming him. And then I go back over our whole relationship. At the beginning of our relationship, every time he'd get drunk, he'd call me a whore and a slut. Every time an attractive woman walked by, he'd practically get whip lash from checking her out. Any time he'd see an attractive girl anywhere, whether in person or on tv, he'd say, "I'd hit that." Then he's emotionally abusive and causing a major medical episode during which I ruined my whole freaking life. I hate him. And I love him.

I'm a mess. I know none of this is helpful. None of this is going to help us move forward. None of these thoughts is helping me to sort out my life and be the person I want to be. I hate that I'm thinking them. I hate that I'm blaming him. I hate myself. Regret is eating away at me like a disease. Regret over letting him treat me like that for so long. Bitter regret over the choices I made. Regret over marrying him at all. Sorry for this tangent, I'm in a really dark place at the moment and feel abandoned by God.

As far as this:

There is also a cafe I will no longer go to as one of the waitress's was rather friendly to me...too friendly. It felt too good.

So good. Seriously. It's better to remove yourself from a potential temptation immediately rather than entertain it. I can't imagine ever choosing to cheat again. But I can't deny that I made that decision either. And I also can't deny that I'm in a bad place in my marriage. So I recently took a job where I don't work with other people on a daily basis but when I occasionally do, it's only women. For now, it's just smart. It helps my husband feel more secure and there's zero room for any temptation.

In general, I'm really happy with the path I'm on and the person I'm becoming. But I still struggle struggle struggle and some days, the impatience over my weaknesses is hard to bear.

Praying for everyone here for peace.

Jesus said to his disciples:

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give it to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid." John 14:27

[This message edited by VirginiaRegret at 1:07 PM, April 27th (Wednesday)]

Wow, folks....such kind support. Didn't expect to share all of that and receive such words.

Like that which has been alluded to....it's ugly to see parts of you that you have avoided. Long-standing parts of ugliness that was NOT a by-product of my wife's affair.

It's said that trials don't so much define you as reveal you.

That holds true in our marriage following an affair being invited in.

As ugly as the truth has been....it rings no less true that the truth will make you free.

Special thanks to those comments along the lines of "yeah....I do that too". Makes me feel less abnormal.

blakesteele

You are definitely not alone. That is one of Satan's most potent lies that we are the only one. He uses that to isolate us in the most dangerous neighborhood in the world, our own minds alone with his lies.

Many of us are having to dig deep into scar tissue from our childhoods in the wake of betrayal. It's not fun or pretty and takes a while to get to those wounded scared areas. We have to get to them and then allow God into those areas to administer His healing touch following His grieving with us over those wounds.

In need of prayers that I can get through this hard wedding weekend and the ones to come. I've intentionally scheduled a lot of work to try to keep busy, but am struggling mentally with my fight or flight instinct reaction to my family.

God does not want me to run and this panic is not of him. It is so hard when the attacks just don't stop coming. Just getting through the wedding days in a peaceful state would be nice.

Prayers and hugs to all here.