SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mom23, he sounds a lot like mine, even including the showering suggestions! Welcome to the Tribe. Keep reading here and online. Learning what is up with them is a good way to start detaching.

I can't wait for the day I can go NC. I have put myself in quite the situation. I think he is enjoying the fact that he still has financial control over me. He really doesn't like dealing with any consequences of his actions.

My plan is to keep my head down, do what I need to do and get my life back eventually. I see now that the more you give up for a N, the longer it takes to get free, especially if kids are involved. If I had had a crystal ball, there's no way I would have decided to be a SAHM.

Sadone,

Yes, I'm in the same boat as you, as I also homescchool. I have been very fortunate to be able to remain at home with my boys still after Pig Vomit decided he was too good now to have a family after supporting him through Nursing School. He's now got his "career" and " I am not conducive to his career."

un-fing-believable!

When this happened, a friend of mine offered me a job cleaning through a company called Janiking. I would totally recommend looking into a company like that, they do mainly commercial cleaning. I have worked a lot of jobs before my marriage, and this kind of work is good pay, little to none training, and very flexible hours. I actually make more an hour than Pig Vomit ( sometimes 30-40$ an hour because the building size fits into a pay scale) with no college or debt and I get to just plug in my headphones and clean away. Very low stress and I have been able to cry or reflect the whole time I'm cleaning because most places are closed when I clean. I honestly don't know what I would have done without it.

Craigslist is another place that you may be able to find some temp work. Is that an option for you until you figure out what to do?? I have also enrolled in a local community college, for 2 reasons.

1. It will definitely help me in my future to be sompletely self sufficent

2. School Loans will help me now to secure my finances

I swear to God I'm not making any of this up. Since XH meltdown on Sunday- which he blamed in alcohol on Monday morning, things have gotten worse. Now he's on this loop of wanting the house plans we had for building our new house- since we were living in a rental due to one of his infidelity situations years before. Hope you can follow ... Anyways he was using our 16 and 18 year old sons to strong arm me into returning house blue prints that I ripped to shreds upon finding out about number 19 of 20 affair partners. I ripped them up during my move out. Let me be clear, he has no means, money, or gumption to build that house- he likes renting the shithole- less responsibility ( how he rolls). So this escalates to him telling one of my sons not to come home without the plans- and the other son was told that he would come to my work and my home daily until I gave them to him. I don't have them to give!!!!! So sure enough last night he pulls right up in front of my gym and sits in his big ole truck flashing his lights at me and waving for me to come out!!! My members were freaked out and I was embarrassed beyond belief. Mad - not scared!!! He finally left then began calling the gym phone. I left and went to my al-anon meeting..... Problem now is my gym owners have gotten wind of this whole ordeal and I'm in a situation where I could loose my job. NC wasn't broken- but at what cost????? Gym phone now blocked, family members involved telling him future consequences. He seems calm today according to the boys. But now I'm just a sitting duck again..... I feel like I'm was married to the wrist man on this entire site!!!!!!!

Josey,

If anyone else was behaving this way toward you, what would you do?

I suggest the next time he starts behaving over the top... You have a plan. He is escalating. My xh was much more covert in his attempts at controlling me. If he was flashing his lights and upsetting clients you have an obligation to protect yourself from his destroying your livelihood. Call the police. You don't have to break NC. the police showing up will give him the message that you don't want to talk to him.

It's ok to call the police.

Hugs,

K

It's ok to call the police.

I'll go one further and say that it's IMPORTANT to call the police. With my ex, exposure is about the only thing that squelched his efforts. Turn the lights on the roach, by calling the police and telling people the truth about him.

Josey,

When my xh was going behind my back and telling future employers about me, my therapist asked me if this was Joe Schmoe, what would you do?

By not confronting his behavior, you are protecting him at your expense. Therapist out it this way... He is falling from the cliff, you're his soft place to land. The problem is: His good landing (no consequences for his interrupting your class) is hurting you (your clients complained to the gym owners), your way to support yourself ( you can be fired over HIS actions). If you're terminated, he (in his mind) has more ways to control you. Once he has you under control, all will be right in his world.

And nothing will be right in yours.

It's a convoluted way to view things. But they're convoluted.

Ps, one future employer told me it didn't matter what he had told them about me. The reason they rescinded their offer: They didn't want to expose their clients to a potential domestic violence situation in their front office.

Next time call the police, in fact I would call now. You have witnesses. You don't contact him, or be alone with him ..... He's getting more and more unstable. He needs someone outside the situation to tell him he's being an ass. Let it be the police!

Hugs,

K

Josey,

You need to protect yourself. A friend once told me that sometimes doing the right thing just feels wrong. Your brain is telling you it is wrong to call the police on your husband for a possible variety of reasons -

1. he is your husband

2 calling the police creates drama

3 he will be angry

4 it isn't "that bad"

could be many more or none of these or different things. The point is it feels like the wrong thing to do.

If you take yourself out of this though, imagine someone doing this to your child, your mother, just someone you love, what would you do?

He is endangering your livelihood. He is behaving irrationally. He is out of control. He is not behaving like a husband. He is that bad.

I found that if I worked it out in my head in advance, I reacted better.

Go thru the steps in your head. The possible scenarios. Prepare mentally before it happens. I don't mean that you should overly obsess about this but just prepare.

You see yourself at work tonight.

He shows up. Starts causing a scene.

You take control, call the police and let them do their job.

This is their job. They are your tool. Use it when you need it.

I know its hard. He isn't the guy you married. That guy died along with your future dreams when he cheated.

It's scary, he's over the top and amping up. He needs the voice of reason (with power behind it) to show him just how over the top he is. You can't do it, and I doubt a friend would get thru to him at this point. The police have the power to pull him in a different direction, if he refuses to listen. I think he will refuse to listen...like a child having a temper tantrum over not getting a candy bar (you). He needs away from the source in order to calm down.

Call the police, ic you can't do that call your local domestic violence shelter and explain the situation to them, ask their advice. You, my friend, are being abused by him. They will have suggestions on how to protect yourself from his lunacy.

Hugs,

K

Wow mom23boys, what a jerk! My WH has been different in that he doesn't want to let me go. He'll tell me things like I'm his soul mate, that I'm his only chance at being in a relationship. Soon after DDay he alluded to thoughts of suicide. Different ways of crazy to come out, I guess!

I'm glad you found a good job! I would love something like that. I'll definitely look around.

Josey, please protect yourself! As we were separating, I actually hid a knife under my bed and called a women's hotline. It did feel wrong, like cantaccept said, but my gut was screaming at me. At this point, if things got bad again, I wouldn't hesitate to call police.

Okay I immediately called all of his siblings and parents, who all called him out on his behavior. I am a personal trainer and one of my clients is a prospector in our county. She called him and explained that he was on a slippery slope and lined out what would happen next if he continued to escalate. She has cops driving through my gym parking lot every hour and explained to him that was being put in place. I did report the chain of events to her and it has been noted even though he has not officially broken any laws yet. My son also stood up it him- poor kiddo! So now according to everyone he is back to calm and back to his activities that keep him happy. I hope this will last so that I can get him out of the loop of my mind, the loop that's sick enough to see his attention as anything positive. I truly do realize that I am addicted to him as much as he is addicted to sex and infatuation. I need him to stay away from me - so that I CANT USE!!!! How I've made it to today is a miricle!!!!!

Good going Josey!!!!

Look up peptide addiction for an explanation of why you are addicted..

And giving him headspace is also part of the addiction. Like an alcoholic feels what a drink tastes like going down the throat, to the buzz. Thinking of the npd does that for us.

Time to focus on other things.

Hugs,

K

Had some very strange behavior from STBXH this week. Text one evening about 730 pm: Mind if I use your wifi? I responded that there were many places with free wifi near his apartment, ie Starbucks, why not go there? He said he needed secure wifi, and he was in my driveway. Then he was on the front porch. I didn't want the kids to feel awkward; I was baking cookies and had my daughter bring him one, and tell him he was welcome to come into the house if he wanted to. He sat on the bench in the foyer for 2 hours, downloading some program onto his new cell phone, never once saying hello to me. It's like he feels I owe him? I don't understand. He moved out 11 months ago. Why not buy yourself some home internet?

I'm scared again.

I wrote to our mediator and told her that things aren't going as well as they seem to be on the outside. I explained that the only reason things seem okay is because I'm still bending over backwards to what he wants. I let her know that he is objecting to me going to social services for help because he doesn't want to pay so much support. I also told her that I'm scared of leaving because he is so controlling and tells me questionable things (like I'm his only chance at a relationship..EVER because his group won't allow him to be in another relationship, or I'm his soul mate and if this doesn't work, he'll be alone forever, etc).

I still keep trying to pretend everything's fine and he's not really the way he is. But reality hit me again yesterday when we went x-mas shopping for the kids. He wouldn't allow me to shop on my own. I have to struggle with him to do things on my own. I've simply given up for so long that it's still difficult to recognize when it happens.

My mediator is awesome though. She's put a stop to our next session, but hasn't told him yet. She sees I need extra help and her assistant is meeting with me (under the guise of setting me up for counseling) to help me with social assistance, subsidized housing, etc.

There is such a huge part of me thinking "you've really gone and done it now"

I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared....

:(

And right now I'm feeling a little bit excited that I might not have to wait years to have some freedom.

This ambivalence gets tiring!

Futurehoper,

In his mind, you do owe him! Everyone owes him. Actually that might not be true. My XH doesn't think about how he interacts with those around him. He is unaware. I can see him sitting there for as long as it took for him to get what he needed whether it was 2-4-6 hours. If he lapsed over mealtime, my xh would expect to be invited to eat.

It's all about him.

Hugs,

K

Sadone,

You have one awesome mediator!!!

Be very careful, the most dangerous time dealing with npd, is when getting away. Be vigilant, keep your cell phone on you at all times, do not be afraid to call the police if he starts to get out of control.

Keep posting here.

I'm looking forward to reading that you're free.

Hugs,

K

I anticipate that every extraction from an NPD spouse has unique aspects. However, one thing that seems to be common, is the need for the NPD spouse to be the center. S/he needs supply, attention, focus.

When I was going through my divorce with NPD (possibly borderline ex) in the phase two period (meaning he took me back to court for a "do-over" a year after our divorce was final), I had an attorney who quietly suggested we present things in such a manner that he would look like a hero, and yet I would get what I needed from the courts. More so than our original divorce agreement.

For me, the difference was an attorney who comprehended what an NPD spouse was. What drove these people. And yes, it really is as simple as "supply".

In initial drama after D-day, and for about 18 months after, I too feared my spouse. I learned that our kids (young teens at that time) also feared their father. Our eldest began sleeping with a heavy bar under his bed. He told me he was afraid his dad would come and harm me, and his younger brother. I never would have predicted this. I honestly believed my spouse was the nicest man, until he turned into this lying, cheating, detached-from-family person he was now. As my spouse began to crumble, he became scary. Threatening and unpredictable. Sort of a Clint Eastwood "Dirty Harry" character. I got rid of all the weapons in our home. I gave them away. !!! I did not know this person I had lived with for 17 years. I did not recognize this man that was the father of my children. EVERYTHING I believed to be true about him seemed to shift.

And then, I took precautions. I was careful in what I said to my eventual ex. I guarded my responses. I played to the NPD. And.. I was calculating.

This might sound weird, but I was aware that I loved this man, but I could not be married to him. He clearly had stuff of his own to work through. And, he was unfaithful. Often it seemed. And, he was "in-love" with his soulmate/cosmic twin. AND... he wanted to control me, and blame me. Apparently I was the source of his pain, his problems. Or, so it appeared.

Honestly, it took me a while to understand my spouse was "messed up" in a manner that was not conducive to marriage and family. It took longer for me to see how I supported his NPD-ness (and maybe his Borderline-ness).

If I can pass along any advice to those divorcing a beloved NPD spouse, it is to not give yourself away. And... understand tactics. By this I mean to know what it is YOU need for your, and your children's future. Then, move through divorce with this clear vision, while attempting to structure the language of your divorce agreement in a way that positions NPD spouse as the hero, while ALSO gaining what is essential to you.

My experience is that my beloved NPD spouse would have taken everything from me he could have. It would not have made any difference to him in the long run. He was in pain. My guess is that he is still in pain. Destroying me so he could feel better in the moment would have been fine with him (and his lawyer).

Standing firm against this takes great courage. And strength. Untangling from an NPD is something unique. For me, painful and not so easy.

But, there is sunshine at the end. And... we are NOT their victims!

[This message edited by luv2swim at 1:21 AM, December 22nd (Monday)]

luv2swim!

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^^^^ What jjct said! Here, here!