SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just a quick followup, Neverthoughtiwould

You've received some great advice so far, some harsh (but realistic) opinions and observations, and you yourself are working to wrap your head around not only what you've done and your own culpability in that, but also what to do now. I'd like to talk about that second part to you.

I'll share something with you. I never told my BS about the affair. Instead, she had to find out on her own. Worse yet, when she did find out, I fucked everything up as bad as one can. I deleted everything about my affair, every email, every text, every photo, anything and everything that had to with the affair I obliterated in order to cover my own ass (of course, my head at the time was making the excuse that it would be "too painful for her" to see this stuff, but deep down, I knew I was covering my own ass), I did write an NC letter but refused to show it to my wife and then deleted that too. I worried more about how my AP would feel about losing me than any consideration that I showed my wife. My wife was literally sobbing and broken and reaching out for something, anything to show her that I cared at all, and all I could think about was that my AP was going to be sad and confused because I broke up with her so fast. In retrospect, I can look back and see how incredibly selfish and abusive I was to my wife (and to myself if we're to be honest) and shake my head in disbelief that I was such a massive asshole. But I was. And that's how most WS's are after D-day, we just go into a panic and start all this worrying about ourselves. What will I do if my spouse leaves me? Who will love me and make me feel special and wanted? How could I live on my own? How can I possibly handle the pain of telling my spouse what I did?

There is an old analogy, that you can't begin to heal from being stabbed until you pull the knife out. Makes sense, right? You can't heal while actively being injured. That's where your marriage is at right now. The knife is still in your spouse's back, and until you pull it out, no healing can begin. And yeah, I understand that your spouse isn't aware that the knife is there at the moment. It is still causing damage however. Like an internal bleed, it is causing damage even if you aren't aware of it at the moment.

Where you are at is not good. It's dangerous really, to both of you.

In order to have any hope of saving the marriage, you have to tell your husband what has been going on. And I realize that even the mere thought of doing that is probably terrifying to you. Unthinkable even. Because you and I and everyone here knows that once those words come out of your mouth, everything changes. And that's very scary. Yes, things suck right now, they suck bad enough that you actually made the effort to find this site and reach out for help. And that's a good sign. That's a little dignity and humanity peeking out from your blackened heart, reminding you that even you aren't happy with who you are and what's going on right now. Listen to that voice. That voice is you, the real you, the decent, respectable you, begging you to give it a chance to live. Please give yourself that chance. Please give your marriage that chance.

If you met my wife, it would take only a few seconds to recognize her as a strong, no-nonsense, "put up with no bullshit" kinda person. She always made it clear to me that lying/cheating were "deal breakers" and that if I ever did either, we were done. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go directly to jail. I'm sure if you ask, you'll hear a similar story from some other WS's. I mean, let's be honest, no one goes into marriage saying, "If you cheat on me one day, it's cool, I'll give you a pass." My point being, I'm sure you are afraid that he'll kick you out and that will be that. And to be fair, it may well be.

But I want you to understand that YOUR ACTIONS AND CHOICES are what could make the difference between everything ending, and everything changing, hopefully for the better.

Your marriage is not working RIGHT NOW. He made that clear, and you've made that abundantly clear, so if you really think about it, that "worst case" scenario is actually where you are right now. It's already happened. You are already dating other men, so to be clear, you've already "dumped" your husband. The fact that he doesn't know you did it changes nothing, you still did, and in some ways, still are. Your marriage was over the day you started cheating, and you just kept beating that dead horse with every new affair. You aren't preparing to end your marriage... you already did that. What you are doing now is trying to be a decent person, and to "make right" whatever you can. That's the only way that you or your husband can move forward and heal. Honesty is paramount. You can't clean a dish with a dirty rag, and you can't save a marriage while lying and cheating.

So here is my challenge for you. Sit down tonight, and figure out how to tell your husband. Don't wait "for the right time", there is no such thing. Assume ahead of time that he's going to kick you out, pack a bag just in case and have a plan in mind. But then just do it. Be honest. Don't hide or minimize anything at all.

There is often a strong desire in WS's to come to the faulty conclusion that, if they just don't tell, and then suffer the aftermath alone, that they are being "kinder" to their spouses somehow. The idea is that "ignorance is bliss" and "why make them suffer for my misdeeds". All pretty words and thoughts but it doesn't work that way. Lying is never kind. Betraying someone then hiding it from them isn't "loving and caring". Letting them live a lie, kissing and loving and caring about the person who is actively seeking multiple sex partners online isn't "suffering for their good". It's all CYA and it's all bullshit. They are eating a shit cake every day and you're just putting icing on it to fool them. Stop it, now. Come clean. No one can bear the burden of pain for another, no one. You cannot love someone and lie to them. You cannot love someone and hide the truth from them. You cannot love someone and "get away with" betraying them simply because you didn't get caught. That's not love. That's the opposite of love. That's greed, selfishness, manipulation, using, betraying... anything but love.

If you want some help in preparing to tell your spouse, please reach out to us. There are a thousand stories here of what we did right, and what we did wrong, and how we know the difference. But the basics are, just be honest. If you create a timeline of sorts, that might help your spouse to put the pieces together. Don't blame, don't get angry, don't get defensive, and don't minimize anything. It just makes it worse. Look up "trickle truth" on this forum and see how many people say the lies were much worse than the affair itself.

We are here for you. Now you need to be there for you.

Betrayed Wife here, no Stop Sign.
Original Poster, no 2x4s from me, no worries. <3

DaddyDom, your response is one of the most concise, direct, insightful responses you or anyone else has ever typed out on SI. Kudos to you, Sir. You *nailed* the experience, from both sides of this trauma.

Thank you. <3

I feel the exact same way. I have this feeling that my resentment will go away once I sleep with someone else. I’ve yet to be able to do that. I know how easy it would be for me. I used to want the person to be far away and live somewhere else but for a while I was thinking of someone nearby.

The thing that keeps stoping me from doing it all the way is the destruction I know it will cause my husband…too bad it didn’t enter my husband’s mind.

Talk is cheap. Even now you've avoided doing what you know is right by not telling your H about your affairs.

Speak with a professional about the resentment you've harbored and used to rationalize your cruelty.

If you ever want to personally heal and want to begin doing your poor H and children right, you need to hold up a crystal clear mirror. That mirror won't be pleasant to look at but it will allow you to see what's really there. If you keep avoiding it, you will never change.

Stop talking and start doing.

I will only add this.

My husband ended his affair and never disclosed it to me. He had no idea that my gut had been screaming at me for years about what he had really been up to. He thought he could be the best husband, and all of the shit he did would fade away. I would never know, and I would never be hurt by it. More importantly, he would never have to face the consequences of his actions.

BUT I knew deep down inside of me something wasn’t right. It took 3 years for me to uncover the truth, and we were doing really well at the time. I had no reason to go searching for any indiscretions, and yet my gut was still there telling me there was something I needed to know.

All that to say, even when you don’t think we know, we know. And it’s better if the truth comes from you than him finding out some other way.

I hope you find healing. Obviously there is a lot of brokenness inside of you for you to be living this way. Now it is time to do the next right thing, and that is to be honest with your husband. I wish you well.

Hope you have had you no intimacy with husband. Otherwise he might find it through a disease he got from your actions. However even if he find I think he will not be shaken a lot. Because from your comments it seems like he is invested in far better things than to worry about your extreme and self justifying reaction to his indiscretions

[This message edited by goalong at 1:34 PM, Saturday, February 5th]

Never thought I would,
But you did; have you told your BH yet? If not, at least you can to this site, trying to get help
The first step is always the hardest, and it is time for you to take the next step

Good luck,
T2U

You can divorce, you're just telling yourself you can't.

Look at what your husband and you are showing your children.

The two of you are modeling what a marriage is supposed to be like.

If you want them to be in a marriage like this, then by all means keep on keeping on.

Many times staying for the children is the WRONG thing to do.

Last comment.

No need to answer me of course, but what in the hell would you do if your husband had done all of the things you've done?

Yeah, I know he did bad things too, but me thinks you would have reacted much differently to him had he done the things that you have with all of these men.

It's too easy for women, the men literally queue up. I've spoken to 100s - same shit every time...

How do I stop? I cant seem to put the brakes on and I know this will end in tears if I carry on. I will get caught eventually.

What should I do. I see no clear way forward.

Dear NTIW,

it sounds to me like you're coming to the conclusion that your attempt to "right" a situation was/has been the way wrong way to do so. as to a clear way forward, here is what i suggest--

1. LEARN all you can about the seediness of affairs-- especially if you're not convinced that they are seedy
2. ACKNOWLEDGE that you're emotionally ready to turn yourself around (quit that "same shit")
3. ACT on that promise to yourself (develop a plan for success, and have a fall-back plan)
4. FIND a support person (therapist, friend) that can help boost you when you're feeling low.

Once you've got yourself somewhat straightened out, and when/if you're ready, you can tackle your marriage. then again, the marriage might make a whole lot more sense to you once you untangle yourself.

good luck, sunny