SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I care that I was lied to then and now. I feel like I was played a fool. At least I lied to wife1 when she asked those questions. I wish wife2 would have lied answering my questions rather than replying "I don’t know" or "I don’t remember".

Well, hello cognitive dissonance! You "care" that W2 allegedly lied to you and played you for a fool, yet you think you did the right thing by lying to W1 and playing her for a fool, and now you wish that W2 would have lied to you. You're all over the place.

And you don't even know that W2 DID lie. You just think that she did. And her alleged lie was saying "I don't know" or "I don't remember" to "what kept the country club playboy sniffing around all those months if you weren’t giving him sex?" Like I said above, it's not unusual for a man to pursue a woman whom he finds attractive.

Also, you're not going to get away with saying that your actions weren't cowardly. Not here. It's not going to fly.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 7:30 PM, Friday, May 26th]

In response to sacredsoulsister, the myriad of inconsistencies are too many to detail in this blog. The "I don’t know" and "I don’t remember" replies only add to my suspicions of being lied to. Believe me, I’ve laid out these inconsistencies to my therapist over hours of sessions. She doesn’t feel I am connecting dots that don’t connect.

When I originally began therapy, I had developed a bad case of retroactive jealousy. She "cured" this by getting me to put myself in wife2’s shoes. I had never considered what it was like being the other women for nearly 3 years. I could now understand why she did what she did and lied about it. However, the continual lying to this day just to protect her narrative and reputation to me is what is bothering me. I’ve assured her I don’t care about and understand whatever might have happened but she won’t budge.

I understand how hard it is to remember mundane experiences from 35 years ago but somehow she can relate inconsequential experiences from then but can’t answer my questions. If I wanted to write a novel about my questions, I believe you’d understand why it bugs me.

Ive always hated having the wool pulled over my eyes and I can’t let things that don’t add up go.
I’d love to know how people can release the past and live in the present no matter what is hanging over their head.

I'm not sure if you care to read or understand the point of my posts.

You are selectively outraged about a single lie when your entire marriage is built on a foundation of lies.

If you aren't comfortable with being in a relationship founded in lies, that's normal and fine. You need to get a divorce. But it sounds like you like your marriage. So make peace with the lies, your wife has made peace with yours.

How many lies did you tell her (wife 2) during the A?

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 11:24 PM, Friday, May 26th]

You asked how people live with this hanging over their heads?

We obsess for a time and then it wears you down and destroys your faith in people and you’re never the same.

It’s the cost of doing business with people. They suck and lie and are frequently inherently terrible and evil.

What you do with that information and insight is up to you. You can ruminate in it and nervously pace and feel like it matters. Or you can ask life to hand you the wine and the dice and fuck em all. Liars are gonna lie. People are gonna people. Accept that they suck and do better yourself. Or don’t. Who cares. You’re the one that answers to yourself on your death bed.

In the mean time, your daughter’s sand is running out in her hourglass. As is your sand.

Hand me the wine and the dice.

Sometimes Wayward mentality is the right way to go, in that they live in the moment. I’ve spent too much time doing the right thing when no one else did. Now I just need to do things that won’t eat me alive. I’m cool with grey-zone. Channel that inner WS and live in the moment for yourself. You compartmentalized other worse and intrusive things. Compartmentalize this. Sometimes it can be helpful.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 12:41 AM, Saturday, May 27th]

The country club sniffing question was the first question I asked. There are a multitude more detailed and more specific regarding other occasions she spent with him. I didn’t base my suspicions on it.

If you folks did anything, you got me obsessing over the affair and not wife2’s fling. I asked her this morning if she thought I was cowardly for taking 3 years to move out. Her first response was, "Why are you bringing this up. You know what it will lead to (fight about her fling)". Then she said, "That’s not for me to say. That’s something you must decide". That is BS. She didn’t want to answer affirmatively for fear of hurting my feelings. I took it as being affirmative and said to her, "I couldn’t have approached her (wife1) and said I was in love with you (wife2), wanted to be with you so I’m leaving" because your parents would have shut it down and the rift it would have caused between the families". She followed with, "Why does any of this matter? We’ve had a wonderful 32 year marriage with 3 wonderful children". You should only be concerned with that".

She’s right. None of what happened in the past concerns today. I just can’t get that through my head. Now I’m thinking back of how she pursued me, obsessing over the affair and feeling resentful toward her. Maybe all of your comments have finally made me realize what a heinous thing I did and my conscience is finally catching up to me 38 years after it started. Or, as she says, I have too much idle time in retirement and either need to find a hobby or a job.

Listen to your wife.

She’s right. None of what happened in the past concerns today. I just can’t get that through my head. Now I’m thinking back of how she pursued me, obsessing over the affair and feeling resentful toward her. Maybe all of your comments have finally made me realize what a heinous thing I did and my conscience is finally catching up to me 38 years after it started.

I can’t agree with this. What happens in the past is part of who we are today. Our experiences shape us. Your experiences are what is making you obsess over your wife’s behaviors. Unfortunately, it’s possible you are obsessing about this from the wrong angle. Maybe you should be looking more closely at yourself, the part of you that was willing to go outside of your marriage and make your needs your top priority. It’s possible that the part of you that was willing to have an affair is now driving the bus and leading to insecurities about your current relationship. If you did some work on yourself would you still feel the same? Idk, but you are the only thing you can control. It sounds like you never worked through your issues regarding starting your relationship with your wife through foggy affair glasses and that is definitely impacting how you perceive things today.

Maybe all of your comments have finally made me realize what a heinous thing I did and my conscience is finally catching up to me 38 years after it started.

It's never too late to work on your issues and better yourself.

Hi Playedafool,

I can appreciate that it's the lies and trickle truthing that really hurts you

I don’t care if she had sex with this guy. I care that I was lied to then and now. I feel like I was played a fool.

As others have pointed out, it sounds as though you have a number of issues in your life that might be heightening this experience.
So how has your wife been over the past 32 years?
If she has been honest and treated you with love and respect, then could this be your guide?

I'm hoping that you find peace with your wife,
FAWH.

Hi

This is all about you. Not about wife 2. I think you need to answer the question you asked your wife.

Then get at one with it, deal with it, and move forward.

You owe it to your family and yourself to get through this.

This was 32 years ago. A lot of hurt happened but in the end there were some good that came out of it. Now you’re throwing it away. You can’t change the past, you have to deal with it and move on. Man you’ve been happy for a long time and you’re ruining it yourself. Maybe your therapist is not helping you because you’re not hearing them. I don’t think you’re open enough, and maybe it’s because for some reason you feel betrayed, and now your past actions are not acceptable to yourself where they have been before.

If I had the choice between happiness or regret, I would pick happiness.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 11:17 AM, Monday, June 5th]

My reply is that your new wife is still trash and so are you. Maybe you’re reaping what you sowed…… in which case it’s just the karma you deserve.

This has to be a troll post because you of all people should be able to fill in the "I don’t know"
Blank

Maybe it would be better to try to take all the time and energy focused on your own sense of victimhood and use it to make restitution to your daughter.

Howcthappen, you have a pm.