I want to give a woman's pov on the idea that sexual attraction and physical intimacy is prerequisite to love. For me, it's the opposite. I need to feel an emotional connection, emotional intimacy, emotional safety before I can connect physically/sexually.
On average it tends to be this way. Women mainly feel safety and connection through emotional intimacy first. Men mainly connect through physical intimacy (emotional follows).
It took me about 2 weeks from the time my H returned from a deployment to feel emotionally connected enough to want to have sex with him, even after years of being in a relationship. Every time he left, that connection was broken for me. It had to be rebuilt before I felt comfortable (safe?) enough for sex.
I never experienced this with her, for the entirety of the long distance relationship. She too needs to feel emotionally connected before getting physical. I need to think about this.
Wrt your WW having you for sex and other men for only emotional support/connection, unless they were never near each other, I don't believe this. No offense to the men, but I seriously doubt any man is going to invest that much emotional romance into a relationship if they aren't getting sex. And, even if they were never physically together, there are other ways of having sex, phone sex, sexting, live and recorded video. I'm not buying what she's selling.
I was her main emotional support, even if we were physically far away we were constantly in contact, talked hours, she always gave me the impression of keeping me very close to heart, that's why I was blindsided.
Like you of course I don't believe it. I am not saying she has to be lying, I am saying that even if she is honest, the past lies made it impossible to trust her right now.
That said she had 3 affairs.
#1 - The earliest one being in Germany, most recent DDay, he was a bartender in another city where she was going sometimes with girls. She claims it was mostly a fantasy, the "bar guy who hits on her", that they never kissed or seen outside the bar. They checked back in the dormitory very early because the last train to Bonn was around midnight (I have been there when I visited and I recall it - not in the bar, but the same city -). So it is not impossible she is telling the truth, but I still do not believe it right now. This is the last I found out and the most painful of them all. Not because is "fresh"(I do not care even if it was an army, 1 or a million makes no difference), but because taints with crap even our earliest days together. We just met, "just fell in love" she should have had eyes just for me. And she had space to fit a bartender. I know when it ended, 30th June 2006, no idea when it started. This is the heaviest hit of them all.
#2 - The one that destroyed me. 19 February 2008. She moved out of her parents home, goes out dancing to celebrate, sleeps with a fat rat loser. Divorced with kids. After 2 months of the affair I go there and she destroys me, still denying and lying. Not even 2 weeks after we broke up and he becomes her official boyfriend, their relationship loses attractiveness. She starts regretting and withing 2 months she is trying to get back with me. And I said yes, biggest mistake ever made.
# 3 - A partner in her law firm, 2009 - 2010 we were engaged, I was planning to move to her for life. Again she claims it was a fantasy, until one night at a office ski meeting he kisses her. She tells she stops because she did not expect that was nothing but looks, and soon after he gets another girl (makes her pregnant, fires her and drop her, then moves to another employee does the same, and so on). Even here, I do not believe her, it will be though to get enough trust back.
I felt them all 3, gut feeling. I broke up all 3 times, even if I only knew for sure about #2, I found our communications about our crisis my breaking up with her (I even removed the #3 from my memory but it happened, we found the e-mails and letters). The dates match. I remembered when reading. I remember my gutting pain, my breaking up and her denials (and her asking for help in her communications to her friends).
Again is possible she is telling the truth, like you I do not trust it. I can only note the versions of when she retells, and compare the consistency across and any detail that does not sound right. Lies do always fall short at some point.
Then there are all those small betrayals that still hurt even if they were occasional and of the "inappropriate flirtatious" kind.
However, whether she had or not sex with one or all, whether she was emotionally involved with one or more of those men, it is all the same.
It is cheating, breach of loyalty and trust.
Is like inviting thieves into your shared home. It does not matter if they stole everything or just made a reckon. The duty of both is to keep the common safe space safe. To hold the boundary from intruders.
What truly happened is something I need to know, still fundamentally no matter what level, how sordid she was with these betrayals, is still factually the same.
The cheating begins when crossing the first boundaries, when you let the thief cross your home's door, after that if they cross all the others or just that, is irrelevant for the BS.
It can be more shameful or disgusting for the WS, but for me just one or all the way hurts the attachment wound practically the same.
I was not chosen, Not enough, Replaceable.
She let them in.
[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 9:31 PM, Sunday, February 15th]
