I can get, do you feel still the attachment wound bleeding?
I am not chosen. I am not enough. I am replaceable.
That is a though one to heal but you can address it even with what it seems like stupid exercises at the mirror.
But they are not, they are ways to remove the wound from your nerve system and let it realize that you are lovable, you are worthy, and you are not replaceable because you are simply yourself.
Not a thing, but a person.
And believe me there are men out there who will see that if you chose to reopen your heart to love. But you need to re learn to love yourself first, to close the attachment wound.
That’s probably the meaning of the dream, you might want to explore it in therapy, mine is just a hunch.
About the review of your past intimacy.
I think your gut feeling is correct, and he was abusing your closeness and needs for his validation, fighting between shame and narrative for what he was doing.
Is not true that is the wife that’s no interested in initiating sex.
That’s a stupidly narrow minded way to look at the attraction and sexual gravity in the couple.
Is just men and women are different.
Men are usually ready to go at any time. Foreplay or not.
For women foreplay starts from when the last intercourse ended.
It is a matter of looks, playfulness, touches, tones, teasing. All those things that leads to desire and surrender.
Sex and attraction Is way more holistic that the claiming act of intercourse, but for some reason we mostly reduce it to just that. Which is narrow minded and flawed. Mechanical and transactional devoid of all the emotional parts that makes it worthy (and so much better).
So I know that is what is said often, but no worries sister, is bullshit talk.
Sex is the entire painting, the last stoke (intercourse) is only a part of it: reducing the picture to only that element is turning sex into an equivalent of porn.
Empty.
And that’s what you seem to be describing about your memories with your ex husband. You were having sex with him will all its flavors, attraction, playful, need for closeness.
He was rejecting that to only feed his craving for porn between him and his ego. Transactional, mechanical, selfish and empty of meaning.
But you know what?
You aren’t the losing or missing out party here.
You are actually the lottery winner, you just didn’t check the matrix yet, but I think some day you’ll find out the ticket in your pocket, and claim the prize (you’re wholesome you. To enjoy or share with someone who can love you back in kind).
And that dream?
Eventually your subconscious will reframe it and it will be a dream of your ex kissing a pig.
And you will chuckle feeling sorry for the poor pig!
Keep strong sister.
You got and you are still getting past this.
[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 10:34 AM, Wednesday, September 23rd]
