SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have just started a new job and am very happy to start making a living again. I pray this one is a keeper. I took almost a year off from work. I took advantage of my savings I built up to stay at home. I needed that time to heal and recover from WS’s betrayal and some of his family members. I have been on a painful and difficult journey for the last 2 and a half years. Discovering one betrayal after another and being stalked by two of WS’s affair women during that time. Lord I am amazed I even have any sanity left. The last time we were stalked was two weeks ago by the woman that WS had a 2 ½ year affair with which started back in 2010. She too was a co-worker of WS’s, just like the last affair woman was that he started sleeping with in 2013. The 2013 affair woman stalked us at our home for the first 9 months, but the 2010 affair was even bolder and stalked us at our local Lowe’s store 2 weeks ago. WS sure picked a couple of doozies for floozies to cheat on me with. It is hard enough to deal with WS’s cheating with 30+ women (that he admits to) while we were together for 25 years, but being stalked by these two makes dealing with it much more difficult! In addition to being stalked I learned that WS’s family members, ALL BUT ONE, knew about his cheating on me. They not only condoned it, but, I know one of them also encouraged it. I know because I read the text that person wrote to him while he was cheating with the last AP. His brother knew about WS’s cheating from the very beginning back 25 years ago. WS had bragged to his brother about what appears to be every one of his affairs. The lies WS told his family about me in order to justify his cheating has been exposed also. Did you know that I was a crazy bitch according to WS? Oh and both AP (2013 affair woman) and AP (2010 affair woman) have told me I was a crazy bitch. This happened after WS’s affair ended with them. I assume WS told them I was crazy too, just like he told his family and friends. AP 2013 called me a crazy bitch in a text sent through her phone. AP 2010 called me a crazy bitch in an email she sent me back in November 2015. Mind you, I didn’t do or say anything to these women that would earn me that title, except live with the man they desired to continue sleeping with. I am left to assume their sleeping with my husband automatically earned me that title. I guess because WS said I was crazy, everyone he told just took his word for it. I was never asked if it was okay if they slept with my husband. I wasn’t aware he was sleeping with any women except me at the time. But somehow I ended up being a crazy bitch for it. Hmm! I didn’t stalk thier home or stalk them in a store. I didn’t cheat on WS like AP cheated on her husband. I didn’t try and hook up with WS again 3 years later after stopping my affair with him, but AP 2010 did. Which happened November 2015 which was one year after she was made aware of my knowing about her and WS’s affair (in 2014) and was politely asked to make no futher contact at that time.Correct me if I wrong here, but shouldn’t it be me making references about their sanity instead?

Also, WS's niece claimed in December 2015 and I am quoting her from her text “There is a known history of Cathy being crazy”. Wow, really when did this take place? Of course she also said in her letter of January 2016 to WS & I that she told me I was crazy to my face, which she never did. So I ask shouldn’t I now be questioning her sanity? At the very least I question whether I can trust her to tell the truth.

Anyway, it’s been a difficult journey I have been on for the last 2 ½ years. What I have told you so far only scratches the surface of what I have been through and learned about in WS’s secret sex addicted life. I have been put through hell all because on April 8, 2014 WS asked me to help him get help with his addiction by taking him back and then going to therapy with him 2 ½ years ago. He had told me he wouldn’t be able to go to therapy if I didn’t go with him. So I agreed to help him without having any clue as to the cost I would soon be paying for my desire to help him. The price I paid was being called names I didn’t deserve, ridiculed for trying to help him, hurt from his betrayals, hurt from his family’s betrayal and fear of not knowing what else these two stalker women are capable of doing to me. The cost for me was certainly pride, ego and suffering emotional abuse. Forgiving WS’s adultery cost me my dignity when I chose to stay and help him rather than leave. It cost me the justice I deserved when I chose to forgo my justice for WS’s sake. It cost me my sanity because I couldn’t control the painful and fearful thoughts invading my mind day after day. My reality was constantly being interrupted with hurtful memories of the past and present. It cost me my dreams of my future with WS. His cheating put me on a path I never could have imagined traveling on. It cost me my health because WS’s betrayal and other’s betrayal consumed my life. I suffered unwanted weight loss because of no appetite and constant stomach pain. I suffered hair loss, sleepless nights and anxiety attacks driven by fear of my future of living with a sex addict and the risks he may still be willing take to continue his addiction. It cost me peace of mind not knowing if I was safe from these stalker affair women. I had no peace knowing my life was at risk because he had unprotected sex with these women and not knowing if they gave him some deadly STD and then in turn gave it to me. My peace was ripped from me by not knowing how far these women would be willing to go in order to regain the man they wanted. These women both expressed their belief that I was the only one standing between WS and them. Which made it painfully obvious to me that I was enemy number one to them. How far would these women be willing to go to get him back? Maybe they think they would be doing themselves and the world a favor by removing the “crazy bitch” from it. No one really knows and only time will tell.

One thing I am certain of is that my and WS’s life has been drastically altered because of his betrayal. Is everything I have gone through so far worth the cost? I have seen changes in WS, which were slow to come initially, but WS is becoming a better person through those changes. I have seen less and less of the “old WS” as time goes on. Are those changes permanent or will he revert back to the person he once was? I don’t know, no one knows and only time will tell. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Love HIHN

First of all, hihn, congratulations on the new job. I pray it goes well and that it is a keeper.

I pray that you continue to have strength and clarity of mind as you travel this tortuous road. May God be with you.

Thank you for your support and prayers Steadychevy. They mean a lot to me! I too pray that you continue to have strength and clarity of mind as you travel this tortuous road. May God be with you also. By the way I often wonder when I see your name here in SI Did you choose it because you love Chevys? I'm just curious is all. Mine is an acronym.

God bless and stay close to the lord.

blakesteele, I really didn't see your last post as disjointed at all. I totally got what you were saying. And yes it is like trying to hug a shadow. I know God is there but it's frustrating sometimes that I can't reach out and physically hug him, or him me. But I have faith that one day I will be able to, as will you

[This message edited by hihn at 10:01 PM, August 1st (Monday)]

VirgniaRegrets I loved this, thank you so much for posting it. Hugs

I'm here to offer warning that the real danger in the dark isn't found in our frail and fearful spirit of weakness, rather it's found in our self-preserving spirit of strength that pridefully finds security in itself. A spirit of strength that glories in human resolve instead of in God alone. The real danger in the dark is found in our leaning on fragile people, false promises and fleeting perspectives whose only certainty of power is to fail us.

The one desperate need of every heart in the midst of this darkness is for a trusted Savior. A trusted Savior of mercy and grace whose hope of salvation is eternal. A Savior who loves us beyond measure. A Savior who delights in the affection of an undivided heart and in the gaze of joyful expectancy.

Something I'll meditate on today. I wonder if it's my stubborn reliance on my own strength leads me to constantly lose hope. But God's strength is perfected in weakness so I shouldn't be afraid to give myself, in all my broken and weak glory, to God.

hihn, I'm trying to stay close to the Lord. Right now I feel distance. Not because of him. I know better. But because of me. And I thank you and all others for your prayers.

The name I use here is a shortened form of a name given to me by a person I provided consultant services to and was picked up by others. The part about steady was explained to me because I was dependable, solid, committed and could be counted on, my word was my bond. There is a word missing out of the middle that is a nickname for my first name and the "chevy" is a brand name that is opposite to my surname. All three parts rhyme. But, I only drive Chev and GM products and only trucks now. I have also owned Oldsmobile and Chevrolet cars. Probably too much info but thanks for the interest. I'm not having any success figuring out the acronym.

My prayers for you remain the same. Also my prayers for me and others I hold in my prayers.

I spoke with my youngest daughter tonight. She is quite a successful lawyer with a multi-national firm. I pray for her because, IMO, she has abandoned her relationship with God. She is getting married in September. I pray that she will come back to God's fold. Her 2 sisters have never left it. I want to see her in heaven but can't force it. She is a lot like me in that if pushed pushes back. Any prayers that can be offered for an unknown woman to return to God would be appreciated by me.

Strength to all blessings, too.

steadychevy, the acronym is for "Holy is His Name". But that was a pretty neat way you got the nick name steadychevy. It's interesting how you now only own chevy and GM products too. I hope my curiosity didn't make feel like you had to give too much information about yourselves. It is not my desire to do that to anyone here. Forgive me if that is what I unwittingly did. I have said a prayer for your lost sheep to return to the fold. I am confident she will.

[This message edited by hihn at 11:19 PM, August 1st (Monday)]

I've never posted on this thread before but have read several posts. I just wanted to ask for prayer. I feel so lost and confused. I believe with all my heart that the Lord is with me- I just surely wish I could hear His voice in this storm. Married 21 years- 4 beautiful children. Physical abuse through much of our marriage- it stopped in 2010 after husband went to jail. Infidelity 7 years ago that I thought we worked through. Now it has reared its ugly hear again and what I've learned is horrific. Prostitutes, porn, ect. I feel at times numb, sometimes so anxious, and other times depressed.

I was not raised to divorce- marriage is sacred. I love my husband and I do know that I have tried as hard as I could for us to have a good marriage. We spent well over a year with a Christian counselor when the first round of infidelity happened.

Now I am at a point where I don't know if I should stay in this marriage. I see my children being manipulated by my husband, I hear him verbally abusing them sometimes (other times he treats them so well). He does this with me too so I know how confusing it must be for them. My oldest two (20 & 16) plead with me to divorce him. I did not want this. I did not want any of this. I wanted and intact and healthy family- with my husband. I know I'm rambling and I'm sorry. I am scared and confused as to what to do. The situation I'm in is just not healthy for anyone. WS has not really done anything to seek help for himself- he has cried a few times and confessed to a few things. He has said he will go to counseling and that he needs help- but that's as far as it goes. What I get from him now is a couple of good days where he acts like he is remorseful, followed by a day of him being angry and acting like he's not truly remorseful.

I just need prayer. I don't know if it's ok to ask the Lord for a sign as to what to do, but that's what I really feel like I need. I want to stay in His will and handle this the way He wants me to. I so desperately want to hear from the Lord. Please pray that I have wisdom as to what to do. It affects more than just me.

hihn - Congrats on the new job! It's an empowering thing. I recently started to take steps to return to work after over a decade off as a stay at home mom. At first the thought was overwhelming but now I'm excited about being able to contribute financially and if the situation should arise, support myself and kids. I'm so sorry for all you've been through. It's heart breaking.

Are those changes permanent or will he revert back to the person he once was? I don’t know, no one knows and only time will tell.

I think that's the scary question most of us wonder. And it's why I don't really know how anyone can get through something as horrible as infidelity without faith in God. If this world with it's pain is all there is, then we're all the big losers in the game of life. So far, I've lost 4 years of my life to infidelity. I lost the dream of what I thought my life would be. If this was it, I might as well give up. But we know this isn't it. It's why Paul, even in prison, wrote some of the most beautiful books in the bible. Because not even prison and being condemned to death could steal his joy. Life is hard and it's sometimes impossible for me to keep my eyes on the real prize and not not get bogged down in the pain but when I remember, the burdens are lifted off my shoulders. I always enjoy your posts, insightful and uplifting. I'll say some prayers for you that your transition goes smoothly and for peace.

steadychevy -

I pray for her because, IMO, she has abandoned her relationship with God. She is getting married in September. I pray that she will come back to God's fold. Her 2 sisters have never left it. I want to see her in heaven but can't force it. She is a lot like me in that if pushed pushes back. Any prayers that can be offered for an unknown woman to return to God would be appreciated by me.

Just wanted to comment on this. I was raised in a very strict catholic family. Catholic schools my whole life, all that jazz. I was never really catholic. I went to church because I had to but skipped when I could. I never bought into the whole thing. Once I had kids, I felt obligated to bring them up in the church but again, I was lukewarm. We'd go to church for a while, but then stop and start sporadically. We said grace before meals, but that was about the extent of religion at home. I had stopped going to church completely after I confessed my affair to my husband because he hated church and God. When I found out about his infidelity, I had a massive conversion and went back to church. It's been nearly a year since I peeled myself off the floor and bawled my way through that first mass.

Leaving the church broke my parents' hearts and I know they prayed daily that I would return. A priest who is my spiritual director told me recently as I was lamenting my husband's lack of faith, that it's not my job to force him. That God wants a relationship with Him infinitely more than I could ever want that for him. So anyway, I had many people praying for me and then, to the amazement of all of them, I found my way back. God was working on me the whole time and used my lowest most broken point to call me back to Him. Be assured, God is working on your daughter. He wants her to come back to Him. I was the most stubborn with totally zero faith, if you had talked to me before my conversion, I would've told you I had no use for God. But miraculously, here I am today. All that to say, pray pray pray for her. I hope it doesn't take what it took to get me back, but be assured, God is there gently nudging her every day to come home.

Ifeelnumb - Have you read Love Must Be Tough by Dr. Dobson? I highly recommend this to everyone who feels like they are failing God by staying in an unhealthy relationship. God doesn't want us to be miserable. He doesn't want us to live in relationships where we're constantly disrespected and abused. I would start there.

As far as a sign, it's not wrong to pray for one. I often pray that. I think the key is that we have to be patient. I've also been praying for guidance. In the moment, I sometimes feel lost and abandoned. When I look over the past year though, I can see how things have been slowly changing. I can see His hand and how he's brought different people and opportunities into my life, sometimes not fast enough for my impatient self, but the funny part is that they happen when I'm ready. He's preparing me for steps I wouldn't have been able to take a year ago. I'll pray for clarity and strength for you.

Your curiosity was fine by me, hihn. I'm proud of that nickname and why I got it. Thank you for your prayers. I really like what the acronym is for.

Ifeelnumb, I understand asking God for direction - a sign of what to do, what decision to make. I have done that through my adult life and frequently the last year or so. I quit talking to God after DDay for quite a while because I was mad at him. I thought I was a good and faithful servant so why did he allow this to happen to me. What he provides is people to have free will. My WW used her free will and the evil one's encouragement to commit adultery and have a LTA with a COW. God suffers for that but is so loving that he came to earth as a man in the form of Jesus Christ to pay the price (and rise again) to atone for our sin. My favourite verse in the whole Bible is John 3:16.

Now I ask God for clarity of thought and that I do his will as best as a sinner like me can.

I, too, believed and believe in marriage for a lifetime. The vows say it all - love and cherish, better or worse, sickness and health, til death do us part. But the vows also say to forsake all others. It's God's will, IMO, that marriage is for a lifetime but he allows (doesn't demand) divorce under the very specific condition of adultery. I think that especially where a WS is unrepentant, unremorseful and abusive divorce would be acceptable to God. God also warns of the sins of the fathers (and mothers) being passed down as an inheritance. IMO that is because of imprinting behaviours on developing brains.

Still, it is a very tough decision. I understand wanting to stay in his will. I pray that you will have clarity of thought and wisdom to stay in God's will and to be healthy emotionally. Sometimes God's message comes in ways we don't understand and might miss. Blakesteele often writes something along the line of be still and listen. Good advice for all of us.

I pray for you as you have requested.

I find that I hear God's more and His directions as I am still and allow Him into the scary areas of my heart and soul in an intimate relationship. God is always willing to give me His direction and to guide me in His will, I just have to have the intimate relationship to hear His voice and guidance and then ask Him for His strength and courage and will to carry it out.

It's a process, and God is so patient with me and others. God loves a willing heart focused on Him and His direction.

Thank you all for your prayers. I certainly need them.

SteadyChevy- I wanted to ask you more about the area of the bible where it talks about the sins of the father being passed to the sons...and see what anybody's thoughts are on that. It's something I've been thinking about lately. I didn't know anything about WSs family when I married him- that is to say, I didn't know that their family history was full of infidelity, incest, and drug abuse. I found that out later, when we were already married and had a child. I wonder about the implications of this for my WS- and also for my children.

The LORD is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation.'-Numbers 14:18

I admit this verse has been heavy on me over the last few years and I think of it often. To me, it's not so much that the Lord is punishing the children for the sins of the father. I read it that the children are bearing the consequences.

If your husband is from a family full of abuse, incest, infidelity, then his "normal" was skewed. What he learned from a young age, was wrong. So he was, in a sense, punished for the sins of his parents. And then he grew up and now your children are being affected by his behavior. But it isn't a cycle that can't be broken.

I think the other important thing to remember about this verse is it is Old Testament. The Old Testament can be difficult to understand. I have a hard time with some of the psalms in particular. David prays often to destroy his enemies in battle. I don't know what to make of some of them.

We know that Jesus came to fulfill the scriptures and create a new covenant.

Jeremiah:

Behold, the days are coming, declares the Lord, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and the house of Judah, 32 not like the covenant that I made with their fathers on the day when I took them by the hand to bring them out of the land of Egypt, my covenant that they broke, though I was their husband, declares the Lord. 33 For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, declares the Lord: I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts. And I will be their God, and they shall be my people. 34 And no longer shall each one teach his neighbor and each his brother, saying, ‘Know the Lord,’ for they shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest, declares the Lord. For I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.”

Hebrews:

For this reason Christ is the mediator of a new covenant, that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance--now that he has died as a ransom to set them free from the sins committed under the first covenant.

John:

His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?” 3Jesus answered, “It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.

In this last verse, the disciples ask whose sin because of that numbers verse. But Jesus corrects them. We may not understand why we suffer or what purpose we have. But God knows. God knew from the day the blind man was born, that his life was meant to glorify and testify to the majesty of God. I'm sure he miserably wondered why him? Why was he born blind? And then, finally, his site was miraculously restored and we read his story thousands of years later as a testament to the majesty of Jesus.

Sorry, this is long and i'm no theologian, but I think the numbers verse is often taken out of context. Before Jesus, before the Holy Spirit was sent, God dealt with his people differently. Once Jesus fulfilled the old covenant, He created a new one.

Ifeelnumb, there may be a few references of what you ask in the bible. I'm not a biblical scholar so haven't looked them up even though I have a study bible with avery good concordance. I will give you 2 different verses that I know of. The first is Exodus 20:5. Exodus 20 contains the 10 Commandments.

Exodus 20:5 NKJV

....visit the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and forth generation of those who hate Me.

Exodus 20:5 NIV

....punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, ....

Jeremiah 31:29 both versions

'The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the childrens teeth are set on edge.'

God also indicates that the chain of legacy can be broken.

How I interpret this is that the actions and environment created by the fathers and mothers teach or embed that behaviour/thought process in their children at an impressionable age. I also believe that that generational thing can be broken before the third or fourth generation.

Others may have a different interpretation and would be welcomed by me to gain a different perspective.

My prayers for your clarity of though, wisdom and strength and mine continue.

See, VirginiaRegret beat me with her post.

I think the premise that the desciples used regarding the blind man was the wrong interpretation of God's word but was one that has pervailed. Not every ill that befalls mankind is because someone upline from them or themselves has sinned. If so, we would all be severely sick, broken, etc.

I sin every day, multiple times. Maybe if I was in a coma I wouldn't.

What I think God is referring to is sinful behaviour - the big sins - that are observed or felt by children and repeated by them. Perhaps they don't even know how their brain got wired or why they do or think certain things.

One example of this is adultery. I think there is statistical evidence that there is a higher probability of committing adultery if one of the parents committed adultery. My WW's father abondoned them when she was 11. She remembers being abandoned. Her father decided to move away with his girlfriend and her children instead of staying with his wife and his 4 children. Abandonment or adultery. Probably both.

IMO, God also shows that there is a way to break the inheritance chain. It is through him and his grace and forgiveness. But he just doesn't bestow that on one. It needs to be asked for.

JMO.

VirginiaRegret, thank you for your post above about my daughter coming back to the fold.

I have a similar story to yours. I was raised in the Christian faith. But I wasn't a Christian. When I was 18 I left the church over a decision made at the church's national assemby. I didn't fully understand the decision but felt it was very wrong. My mother was a lay minister and did pulpit supply. I didn't join the church at 18 and that hurt her (and Dad). Trouble was I didn't go to another denomination. I just quit.

After our three daughters were born I went back to church and got very active in it - the boards, etc. I still wasn't a Christian. I knew what I had to do to be a Christian but fought it. I just wanted to be "good" - wasn't "good" good enought. I didn't want the shackles of being a Christian. However, many times I came so close only to have some "do-gooder" push me and me rebel. Often my mother. But they meant well. I was just rebellious.

In August, 1997 I finally did it. I was 46. I became of the Christian faith AND a Christian. I don't remember the day or hour like some people do. I also found out there were no shackles with being a Christian.

With my daughter I know the foundation has been set like it was for me. I also know how I reacted to pressure, even gentle pressure. She is a lot like me. So, prayer and lots of it. Thank you for your prayers, VirginisRegret.

Hihn....congrats on the new job!!! Thanks for understanding the "hug" analogy. I wasn't as lost as I thought! Smile. Satan loves deception....and your hearing what I was feeling helped me see I wasn't as alone as I felt, and that realization pissed Satan off...and attacks increased. The battle is real but when I can stay grounded in truth it's easier fought.

SteadyChevy....cool nickname that I now understand better. Been encouraging watching your journey unfold. Thanks for sharing and the now YEARS of support.

Generational sin......my wife and I now see how we were going to hand down the same sins to our kids as we inherited. Different in specific nature, but still born out of the same wounding and fears. Anytime we act out of FEAR we are not working with the Spirit. The Spirit we are God-given is of power, love and self-discipline. We will have fear....just don't let it have you.

Sin.

Man....a lot of attention on this, rightfully so. God sent his only son to die for our sins. Not diminishing that at all. But if we think we are ONLY sin we miss the full point.

Before Adam and Eve sinned they lived in perfect harmony in the Garden of Eden. God made the world and called it "good"....then he made man and called it "very good". That ache we feel for fairness, for true pure love, the desire to fight for it?? That's not our flesh talking....that's our DNA feeling and remembering a pure time we had then lost.

The Good News is we get it back.

The REALLY Good News is that before original sin we have original glory.......original glory is deeper in our hearts than sin is.

As I travel my journey, as I interact with those willing to honestly share their journey....I see more and more of this original glory uncovered. I also see Satan trying to cover it back up....hide the truth from us.

Truth is we are made new again through Jesus. MADE new AGAIN.

Visit with God on this. Thank God we are more than our sins. Thank God he tells and shows us we are worth loving....not by our works but by his glory.

Man.....if we believe satans lies that we are ONLY sin.....well, what a hopeless feeling that generates within.

Hope to the soul is like breath to the body. Fight for it....embrace it....nurture it. Adultery, abuse, abandonment, and addiction do their dead level best to kill all hope. If we choose to let it, sin looks least destructive and most rewarding.

Resist sin.....while embracing your glory (given to you by God).

Fellowship is so important.

God himself saw fit to make the gospel incarnate....thru Jesus he put flesh and bone to the word. If we ONLY needed an instruction book God would have just given us the bible and say something like "Here is the playbook...see you in heaven" and left.

He didn't.

He's with us right now.....

I was doing my daily devotion and read this passage John 14: 13-14. "And whatever you ask in my name, I will do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything of me in my name, I will do it."

Now, i've spent the last year begging God for healing in my marriage. I have cried enough tears to fill a lake. And my marriage is unraveling. This passage seems blatantly false. Did the people in the concentration camps not pray to be saved? We know millions weren't.

So how do you interpret this passage? What do you think Jesus meant if it wasn't literal?

[This message edited by VirginiaRegret at 10:51 AM, August 4th (Thursday)]

Virginia I understand your question I don't know the answer...I do believe our prayers are heard and answered but maybe we don't understand or "hear" the answer....

I remember my FWH went to confession a few months after dday...he hadn't gone in years...the young priest told him to focus on the cross....Christ died for us AND he ROSE for new life....

I work with a priest who knows the Scriptures really well

not a "scholar" but extremely knowledgeable ...I will ask him today...and come back and tell you what he has to say....

hang in there....