SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Get in contact with your local YWCA - they have the resources to help you. You may not need the shelter but they have all sorts of programs and counseling.

The fact you are seeking help as a ws and not as an abused woman is very telling. You sought out an infidelity website for help. Yes, that is an element of your situation, just not the big picture. It makes me know you have not accepted your status because everything is rooted in your own shame.

So many people believe that they aren’t being abused because someone isn’t hitting them. This is a toxic environment that you will never be able to hea in. Your daughter deserves for at least one of her parents to be healthy and the only person you have control over working towards that is you.

Is it possible he liked you because you didn't have a lot of experience with relationships? Sounds like there was an unequal balance of control in your relationship.

My counselor asked me this too. Yes, he loved that I had never experienced ANYONE or any kind of boyfriend prior to him. Back then he cherished me for that - instead of having some perverted virgin fantasy (yes, really, it wasn't that). And sadly, that ended rather quickly. Now I believe that he may have cherished me and my lack of experience for a time, but there was also a twisted part that gave him the sense of "possession and ownership" of me. In fact, he says he feels like AP, SC and AG "own" me. Like I belong to them. And he has recently explained to me that he still "owns" his ex-wife, even though she disgusts him and he has no interest in being with her. Fuck, the more I'm typing what's been said to me, the more I'm realizing how much I've disregarded.

Ok..so the opposite of despising not being in control,means he loves being in control.

Fair point.

That's called gaslighting.

Once I calmly told him that I feel like he gaslights me, back in 2018, and he was so insulted. Now he has accused me of gaslighting him a few times. I feel confused MOST of the time...so, yeah.

He demanded it of you and threatened you... that's abuse. Your relationship with your BH does not sound healthy. He has you doing things that you do not want to do. He controls you. He is afraid of you going to counseling because he doesn't want you to learn that the relationship, and him, is unhealthy.

Apparently abuse I am willing to condone. And yes you are most likely right about the counseling. He is terrified of them telling me what you all are saying to me. Literally terrified. Like possibly his worst fear is me leaving him. Actually, probably our daughter dying or being kidnapped is first, and me leaving is second. He has abandonment issues (and I can see clearly why, his family has treated him like shit). And yes, again, I feel a huge responsibility for him because of this.

YOU WERE PIMPED OUT FOR HIS SEXUAL KINKS.

I recently googled how pimping works and found the term "trauma bond." Would it be safe to assume that there is trauma bonding in our relationship? It seems extreme to me to label it like that but I obviously minimize my circumstances, so I don't know.

Have you heard of the member LadyG?

I checked the members tab but can't seem to search any specific member. Which category did she post in? I looked everywhere.

You know in your heart you need to leave.

I do feel it. But my brain goes "that could be me just living in fantasy-land, thinking single life or being with someone else would be easier." Even if I divorce, will I really be free? There will be severe consequences if I leave, one being my daughter getting the brunt of it all. Yay, maybe I'd be happier, but would she? Really? I've been a stepmom for 9.5 years. It sucks. For them. They lost both their parents and hardly gained anything. It's them against the world. So I guess that is also keeping me from ending it. I can't see how my daughter seeing me in pain is worse that the horrendous pain that she would inevitably endure if we divorced. How does everyone even make that decision? It is so goddamn hard. AND I WILL LOSE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY STEPKIDS. HOW THE FUCK CAN I PUT THEM THROUGH ANOTHER DIVORCE? I'm sorry, these are the thoughts I have every day. Legit mind battles.

It makes me know you have not accepted your status because everything is rooted in your own shame.

I'm starting to.

So many people believe that they aren’t being abused because someone isn’t hitting them. This is a toxic environment that you will never be able to hea in. Your daughter deserves for at least one of her parents to be healthy and the only person you have control over working towards that is you.

Thank you for the reminder. She literally deserves the best in life.

Something else I have been debating on doing is asking to meet with my sister in law, in private. She knows some of my story, up until the affair with AP in 2018. She knows nothing after that. She is the one who was in an abusive marriage that recently ended. She saw me emotionally distressed last weekend while we were all together (including BH), and asked privately if I was okay and held me. I said "no, I'm not...You guys only know a little bit." She calmly said "It's okay. You can tell me someday." I'm afraid though, she may tell her twin sister, who will tell her husband, and they may ostracize me and BH again. I spilled my guts before, only it was with her twin, and she blabbed and fucking moved away from us and didn't talk to us until her twin sister filed for divorce! So my trust toward them is not so strong. And then BH will really be all alone...I honestly don't like that, no matter what he's done. It's his family. But! I'm also at a game-time decision and I feel I need all the guidance I can get. I get that you are all saying to just fucking leave. I do think this sister in law can be objective and offer her thoughts. She is smart, she knows him well, including a lot of his hangups, but what's ironic is that she didn't see all the abuse her ex put her through, while the ones who loved her saw everything that m'f'er did. We just admitted out loud last weekend that we all bit our tongues so many times around them when they were married/together. Red flags everywhere. Maybe they see something with me and BH too and just don't want things to change, or maybe they are just afraid for some other reason. Or maybe they have no clue and they think everything is fuckin' peachy. Do I leave it alone and just listen to you and my counselor? Or would that be an okay thing to pursue?

It is good to have Allie’s of course. People you can trust and confide in. However, keep in mind his sister grew up in this same family and likely has issues of her own she may project onto you. It also sounds like you don’t trust her to gossip. I wonder if you could find someone else that is not so connected to your husband? Potentially he will learn she is helping you and then begin triangulating the situation and turning her to disbelieve your version.

You are not responsible for your husband or how he manages himself. That is codependency and yes trauma bond is likely something that you are correct about.

He needs to heal for himself but right now he is too caught up in controlling you and focus on what he wants. This is not a good dynamic. You are absent of boundaries in a profound way. Learning to have those is a big process in changing your relationship with yourself. You can not do that in this marriage. It takes years of hard work on both sides and you can’t carry that on your own. You have tried and all it does is validate him in his beliefs.

Please go to the YWCA - they deal with this routinely and will be able to help you. Forcing you to have sex with others and then being mad about the results makes me think he has a mental illness.

SOAPT - I came in trying to figure out what we are missing. I was very optimistic. It sounds like your gut isright.

I am now convinced you are feeling the damage in your relationship and it is telling you to leave. I think you did like some of this sex, but some of it was terrible.

I don't think you are being human trafficked, I think your husband is involving you in his harmful sexual addictions. The more you have given in, the more he has expected. He probably has formed some very harmful sexual addictions. I agree that this can't be helping your daughter. She is probably exposed to this on some level.

I won't say run because you seem to have very little leverage in this marriage. Why not start to plan your exit. Having that exit will give you the strength to start making your own decisions. You do need some counseling and so does he. Even if he won't talk about the sex stuff, why not talk about him telling you to go see another guy and then getting mad when you were gone too long. Maybe stick to the time he made you sleep away from the house and why he thinks that shows his love. He can't be angry and then tell you he loves you without removing the threat of kicking you out again. That part of holding kicking you out as a punishment is the part that is really abusive. After he says he went too far, then he diffuses that as something he will do if he is unhappy in the future. Otherwise it hangs over your head as potentially happening again.

So, without going into the sex stuff, you have a lot to start with for counseling. You will need to discuss the sex stuff sooner or later. I am not usually big on wives holding sexual things out from husbands, but this is when he is going to extremes. The fact you, "Have to be into it" shows he can't even control his kink to simply be based on dialogue and you. It has to involve someone else and recently. That is something wrong with him. Do you think he is cheating on you with other women too?

I think overall, plan your exit and get ready to leave. You will be able to handle this as a first step. At a minimum it will take away your anxiety encase you become a single woman. Then that stops being something you fear.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 2:53 PM, Wednesday, March 2nd]

I wonder if you could find someone else that is not so connected to your husband?

I actually don't have any friends outside of BH's sisters and our bro-in-law. We are in our own little circle and are more real with each other than anyone else (aside from most of my BH's sexual stuff). I don't trust my own family with this information either. At least I don't want them hearing of it BEFORE I divorce if that's what I decide. They will not be objective, they will freak the fuck out and they for sure will tell people how horrible BH is. Not a doubt in my mind about it. I don't really want that, and I definitely don't want that to become "my story." That's why I thought of my abused, divorced sister in law who was my best friend before she married her loser husband. Plus, she kinda knows a lot of my BH's issues and our history. So I think it's either her or no one.

I won't say run because you seem to have very little leverage in this marriage. Why not start to plan your exit.

I have basically no leverage. I am keeping old texts locked away safely and things like that. I had a free consultation with a family lawyer via zoom while I was not allowed home back in January. That's about all I have done. I think the hardest work is happening right now, in our business. All our big clients are calling this week asking when we are coming back to work. My BH is willing to look at the status of our business and make a decision on what to do next. Basically we dug ourselves a hole last year (or I did).

Do you think he is cheating on you with other women too?

No, he isn't. However, he has asked loads of times for me to line up a few women to fuck him to "fix his self-esteem that I ruined." He says he won't believe that he has a fantastic dick until another woman (not me) tells him so. In November 2021 he did find his own girls to date, spoil and seduce. He managed to get one to go to a hotel, but he claims that she only gave him a blowjob because he didn't want to take it further, because he is so damn loyal to me. Yes he said this. He says that he just can't do it (sex) because I mean that much to him and he knows it will do severe damage to me forever. Okay. Well, I realized I am so emotionally detached from him that I'm not even jealous, I couldn't care less about this blowjob. Like, I didn't feel anything.

Here is something I thought of today. I think he is delusional. Meaning, I truly believe that he truly believes that he loves me. He clearly does not actually love me. I don't know what it is...but it's not what God says love is. And because I think this way, I feel like I cannot hate him, wish he was dead or in prison, like some emotionally abused spouses might feel. I do not want bad things to happen to him. He has said he thinks the world would be a better place without his ex, and I agree because I have seen/heard her in action and she is pretty damn horrible. I know that's awful to say, it's just how we feel. But I do not think the world would be better off without BH. In fact, I think the world is a better place because of him, and he just isn't a great person to be married to. I am so confused at how this could even be. But it is what it is. Again, I am having a hard time thinking divorce is the way to go. I have doubts. I dunno.

I have some more things to add. One is that BH has been saying to me that he does not want me to fuck other guys. That's his stance. From certain conversations with him I have picked up that he would be way more okay with me sleeping with ALL those guys except AP and maybe AG iffffff it was all my idea and not his. That way he's off the hook. No responsibility, no problem. But I refuse to burden that for him. I take responsibility for AP and a few minor mistakes I made with others. But his cuckold fetish or whatever it is, I refuse to pretend it was mine. Again, with the shame.

And another thing is a question. When normal wayward spouses have come clean, do their BS's get to monitor their WS's every move? Some examples; having a location app on 24/7 with alerts, being logged into all WS's social media and email accounts on their phones, checking WS' phones randomly in the middle of the night, literally "secretly" following the WS when they are out of town. I feel like that is a natural thing you do for your BS when you cheat. You know, no more passwords, no more privacy, no more secrets! But now I am wondering if these things might be extreme too. What is healthy?

Thank you for your responses.

[This message edited by soapt at 4:56 AM, Wednesday, March 2nd]

NOPE. I AM DONE.

Please don't disregard my post right before this one.

It is 3am and I cannot sleep due to debilitating anxiety. I snuck away to my stepdaughter's bedroom and locked myself in it while BH sleeps.

All evening my husband was wanting me to text him from work frequently so it was easy for him to know I wasn't cheating on him. Like every 5 minutes. I was working on a list he needed me to get done so he will know where the business stands financially (okay and I was editing my other post). I wasn't good at texting him back immediately or frequently. Then I was on my way out the door, by like 1:30am. He was annoyed that I went 20 minutes without texting him. So after a few more texts I told him I wanted to go to sleep instead of fight when I got home. He got really nasty after that, saying shit like "Ok, we'll think of you. Just say nothing. That's you're way." And "Absolutely. Women power 💪. Proclaim your right." To which I asked what that had to do with anything. He said "Ok, I'll just wait to address your sperm filled vagina that you don't want me to find."

When I got home he was silent, in bed with lights off. I crawled into bed and tried to say I was sorry but instead of being calm, you guessed it. He lost his shit and yelled, called me a fucking slut, told me to shut up several times, threatened to kick me out to sleep in our front yard, told me he never wants to hear my disgusting voice ever again, to sleep on my side of the bed and not touch him because I repulse him, and he was a total asshole, exactly like he was before his "change." He told me I was going to deal with his clients instead of him, and other work stuff that I am unable to handle. I quietly said "okay", he mocked me and said "why can't you say 'please no I can't do this without you, I need you and can't live without you?'" I waited and tried to tell him I was sorry for my attitude and for saying I wanted to sleep instead of fight but he interrupted by yelling to "shut up, shut the fuck up." I said nothing and he eventually fell asleep. You all were exactly right.

I obviously stayed awake, frozen and anxious. Sure enough, he woke up to be nasty and ask why I wasn't touching his hard dick. Then I touched him. He asked why he had to ask me to do that, then he said to stop, and to get the fuck away and stop touching him because it made him "want to vomit."

I didn't say this but...Sir, you yelled at me not to touch you, then were confused why I was obeying, then you say "stop touching me, you make me want to vomit?" This is the kind of shit that has driven me to my anxiety and depression.

So that was it. That felt like it was what I needed to hear. Meaning what happened was the final event to quash my doubts of divorce. Now I need a way out that does as little financial damage to me and my daughter as possible. My therapy session is today at 10am, thank God. And another Thursday at 3. Praise Jesus.

I was able to get plenty of that on a recording.

Please pray. I want to be done. I have already mourned the death of our marriage in January and February. I know there will be more of that later, but right now I am furious.

Get some sleep. Be safe. Tomorrow is a new day and you will need clarity, purpose and resolve.

Ugh. I so remember being a little girl, and being woke up in the middle of the night,hearing my stepdad screaming at my mother. It was terrifying.

There was no change. Just more manipulation.

Don't tell him you're done. He will either amp up the abuse,or he will love bomb you,convince you he's sorry,and IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.

My mother found an apartment,without his knowledge. He went to work,and she moved out while he was gone.

Your husband is crazy. Your life is in danger. Your daughter's life is in danger.

Tell your family. See if they can help you get away. Do it today.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:07 PM, Wednesday, March 2nd]

I am glad you are getting out of the situation. All the tracking as a BS you mentioned makes sense. I did all that as well. Usually because WS lie emphatically and get into a mindset that is their spouse against the AP.
You have way bigger issues than the cheating/kink you 2 have been doing.
Keep track of all the days he made/makes you sleep away from the house. That causes issues for him in the future if he goes to family court.
The yelling and emotional abuse is not as considered in court. That is because lots of he said she said usually occurs. Try to secure your current financial situation. I know a female friend of mine who kept going back to an abusive guy because she knew leaving him would impact her kids financially. Don't let that be something that stops you.

I know a female friend of mine who kept going back to an abusive guy because she knew leaving him would impact her kids financially.

So did I. He would tell her it would never happen again. Mind you,he had never hit her. She kept going back. She's dead now. He's in prison. And their child is being raised by her elderly grandparents.

So good to hear you're standing up for yourself. You deserve respect and kindness. Everyone does (as you know), but YOU DO TOO. Don't settle for less.

Depending on what area you're living there may be those around who can help you find work.

Do you have a LinkedIn profile? Do you need help with a resume? Please PM and I can help walk you through those things. That will be critical to getting yourself out of your husband's presence. Putting your best foot forward and making a plan for independence is huge in getting yourself out of an abusive situation.

I so remember being a little girl, and being woke up in the middle of the night,hearing my stepdad screaming at my mother. It was terrifying.

Um, that's awful! And familiar...

He went to work,and she moved out while he was gone.

That will be hard to do covertly because we have Ring cameras all over the exterior of our house, and he is home ALL the time. We run our business and he has a home office. If done secretly I would have to wait until a day where all our guys are back to work and he is out supervising or something. Might be soon like this month though.

I met with my counselor today and spoke more about my history. She was...pretty angry. She said it wouldn't be good if she ever met him in person. And I haven't even told her about the recent stuff! She's only heard the stuff up to the affair I had in 2018! She told me that it's not like she's telling me what to do, but that I cannot heal in this marriage. I can only heal if we are separated. She is saying and feeling all the things you are, so I'm feeling validated and more sure of what I will end up doing.

I hope you continue to grow your strength Soapt and get the hell out of this marriage.

Your anger is giving you some much needed clarity, use it.

And if the clarity clouds again when the anger subsides, please tell yourself all day every day, THIS IS NOT HOW LOVE BEHAVES. This is not love (imagine treating your daughter this way? could you? I'd bet hell no. Because you LOVE her). Repeat it again: this is not love.

Sending strength.

That will be hard to do covertly because we have Ring cameras all over the exterior of our house, and he is home ALL the time. We run our business and he has a home office. If done secretly I would have to wait until a day where all our guys are back to work and he is out supervising or something. Might be soon like this month though.

You can call the National Domestic Violence hotline for referrals to women and children's shelters in your area. Get some help in the planning stages so you don't end up getting hurt.

Thanks all. Just an update. A little explicit, I'm sorry if it's TMI.

I tried to kiss my husband this morning in bed, after I came out of my stepdaughter's bedroom, and he blocked me with his arm/hand.

Later, he texted me that today is Wednesday. Wednesday our daughter is with my mom, so he was hinting that we could be alone. Obviously I didn't want to be alone with him. But I didn't want to make it worse, so I told him I was already thinking of stopping at home after I paid a bill downtown. I went home to "solve" the issue of the previous night. So I basically fakely sincerely apologized for my attitude and I went on and on about what I did wrong. He didn't apologize but he said he doesn't like that he called me a bitch "'cause I don't wanna do that anymore."

Then I asked if he would be interested in getting a BJ and he said yes. It turned into him wanting sex, which is extremely rare. I acted into it just like I have in the past with strangers. And that's only because our emotional connection is obliterated, otherwise I would have thoroughly enjoyed it. It felt physically good but that's all. We did not talk about other guys. At all. I went back to work.

Now he keeps texting me things like "I feel emotionally better and more sexually satisfied than I have in years" and "How I feel rn...OMG! Like I feel a hint of my ambition and drive coming back. Like I'm 26 again. This is incredible."

This confuses me, I'm not going to lie. I may need some more reassurance that I'm not crazy here. I'm STILL looking for signs of permanent change. I need to ground myself and remember last night, and all these years of loneliness and nasty sexual activity. I keep wondering like maybe he is actually right, and I have always done nothing for his manhood. Could I have potentially stopped all that shit if I had always treated him like I did today? I mean I can admit that I can have an attitude.

I need this:

And if the clarity clouds again when the anger subsides, please tell yourself all day every day, THIS IS NOT HOW LOVE BEHAVES.

It is like he is a puppy right now. He keeps looking for compliments. Like he is asking how good he was today, how do I feel, is he bigger and better than SC and AG? Things like that. And I lie and tell him lies about how I feel and how he is etc. BTW this year he has literally asked me to lie to him, he wants to be lied to (convincingly) about the size of other guys, how good they were, or if I had orgasms with any of them (I did with AG but I've convinced him I didn't, even though he saw the video...).

I'm so confused. I still think it's best to leave, but how do I manage this now? There is NOTHING left in me. I can't keep faking this, he is believing me! He is actually believing my lies. While I am planning my escape, how do I keep this up? <-That feels icky to say BTW. On top of this, I have fertility issues so I'm not on birth control. It is still possible that I could get pregnant. I don't want that. I will call the National Domestic Violence hotline tomorrow I think.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY BRAIN! MY HEART!

[This message edited by soapt at 12:33 AM, Thursday, March 3rd]

I thought you were done?

Stop having sex with him.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:11 AM, Thursday, March 3rd]

^^^ Because she's in a highly abusive relationship and has been for years. She's conditioned to do as she's told, she believes she is the problem, she is afraid to truly stand up to him.

This isn't your garden variety affair situation.

Soapt - call the hotline. Talk to someone who can help you in real time, real life.

He doesn't love you, he owns you.

Please call the hotline.

He doesn't love you.

Hi Soapt,

It looks like he's got a VERY unstable personality. Have you learned about borderline personality disorder? I'm only an armchair psychology nerd, so salt this. He's clearly disordered on a very deep level.

He thrives on your apologies, on your debasement, on manipulating your emotions. Think about this- he only feels safe when he's in full control of the situation. He only feels loved when you're having emotionless sex. Forget making love, sharing of feelings, sharing bodies as a means to express the shared love you have for each other. He wants control. He wants what he wants with out the emotions. He feels safe only when he doesn't have to be vulnerable to you.

You've been groomed for years by him to accept this treatment and behavior. Go easy on yourself. Your going crazy because he is a crazy making person. Get yourself separated from him and you will begin to find the inner peace you've never had. At first it's going to feel like emptiness- that's the withdrawal from the trauma bond addiction. In a while, a few months in, you'll feel it as a peace. A space that is empty only because you now have the power to fill it for yourself. To fill it with the beauty and love and goodness you deserve for yourself. Once the nastiness is gone, it will only seem bleak and lifeless. Accepting that as part of the process, you will have the calm and peace to finally explore the goodness you have and the worthiness you have for yourself.

Don't beat yourself up for the sex. You see what's going on, you're angry about what's going on- and that is MAJOR progress. You're anger is your SOUL waking up to the utter degradation and abuse it has been subject to. It's the warning light on the dashboard. Your diagnostic system is coming on line and it's telling you that you deserve kindness and respect. Listen to it. Listen to your deep gut knowledge that your husband isn't right in the head and isn't healthy or safe to be around.

You desire affection and positive support from a spouse. That's normal. You desire gentle kindness. That's healthy. What's not healthy are the lengths you have to go to in order to obtain ANYTHING like that from your husband. That's not normal. That's not healthy. Forced confessions (Soviet style), fake apologies, blow jobs, all are degradations of your character. Only when he has you completely degraded as a person is he able to feel safe. Safe enough to give you a scrap of what you need and DESERVE. Not healthy, not normal, NOT LOVING.

You deserve better, you know this and you're making progress. Keep going. You've got the strength to do it. The woman that never had a chance to grow strong and confident in herself is in there. She's coming out in baby steps- the boundary setting, the space taking, the self validation of your feelings.

Please call the hotline. They are highly skilled in assisting people like you to escape their abusers. They can help you formulate a plan and provide support while you're executing it.

This man is dangerous. Very dangerous.

Cat

Yes, TheEnd, I realize that. If you read my comments in this thread, you will see just that.

My comment was meant to remind her,she said she was done. That his behavior the night before was despicable. My comment was meant to challenge her thinking.

I'm very well aware that abused women don't think the way those who haven't been abused think. I'll give you 2 guesses how I know that,and the first one doesn't count.

I've been in her situation, minus the sexual abuse. I've been the physically,mentally,verbally abused wife. I was the sexually abused child, before my mother left him. I'm well educated on abuse.

No need to tell me she's conditioned to do as she's told. I've lived that life.

Never once have I said this is an average garden variety affair. Quite the opposite.

OP..you said you were done. You need to remember that feeling. You need to see him for what he is. This world is not a "better place " because he's in it. Frankly,he's a monster.

I do think you need to stop having sex with him. It bonds you to him. It makes you feel this situation isn't so bad. And it's bad. Very bad.

Nothing changes until YOU change things.