SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Fold, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have been reading your story and just feel so badly for what is happening to you. I’m a retired army wife - husband served over 23 years active duty. He retired in 2011 so it’s been a while since we’ve been around the army machine. But I have seen these instances wayyyy too many times in the various units/commands we were a part of. And far too many soldiers got seriously hemmed up for compromising the superior/subordinate relationship. In what I’ve seen, depending on the command, the punishments for these offenses varied from letter of reprimand, demotion/reduction in rank, loss of pay, dishonorable discharge, reassignment, court martial - a lot was up to the discretion of whoever was in charge and how much of an example they wanted to make out of the soldier OR how much they wanted to protect the image of the division. Sad but true. In male dominated MOS’s the balance was tipped in favor of the accused rather than the accuser. Times have changed - especially in light of the #metoo movement - so the powers that be aren’t able to rugsweep these accusations like they did in the past. I wondered too if the OWs husband is in the military? He seems keen on taking your husband down - making sure he pays dearly for sleeping with his wife. Your husband made a horrible decision - a decision that has the potential to land him in jail, lose his entire career, get dishonorably discharged, lose benefits, pension, and his family (you, your kids) have to suffer right alongside him. It’s incredibly unfair to you and your family. Adultery (as USMJ defines it) is illegal in the military. It is the one place in the country where an extra marital affair can lead to jail time. In my husband’s career I’ve only ever seen one person get court martialed for an extra marital affair. It’s incredibly unfair that his actions, his choices and decisions reflect poorly on you as well, that you have to carry this burden too - and as you know, people know people in the military, it’s a small world - especially if he has a very specific MOS. But bottom line - he made this decision knowing full well what the consequences could be. He broke the law, he lied and cheated - and just from what you said, you may not have ever found out had OWs husband not pressured OW to report the affair and the alleged assault. As a fellow military wife, I absolutely know how hard it is to untangle your life from your spouse. That’s why it’s so unbelievable to me that a soldier would risk EVERYTHING they worked so hard for, a career, earning potential, pension, pay, benefits - for sex. I’m so sorry you’re going through this - but as others have said, you need to take care of you and your kids. If he’s charged, JAG will provide him with an attorney - if you can afford a private attorney that specializes in military law - do that! Also - lots of quasi legal advice given to you on these boards regarding spousal privilege, discovery, subpoenas, the poly etc - please find an attorney specializing in military law to answer your questions correctly, accurately. What applies in civilian court may be totally opposite in a military court. Remember the world you live in - rules are applied differently so do your due diligence and educate yourself. This is a military matter, and will be handled in a military court of law - you need experts in military law as it relates to the allegation and the affair. He can be tried for both offenses separately. The only thing that will be handled in a civilian court will be your divorce should you choose to seek one. I wish you the best of luck Fold. I know this world - I know how unfair this all can be. Your husband made a terrible decision - that not only derails his career - but totally blew up your whole world at the same time. History has given us plenty of examples of high ranking military officers who have fallen hard over extra marital affairs. Google Gen. Sinclair and read about that case. Take care of yourself, seek out people to support you through this crisis. Get yourself in IC!

BB

If I could, I would be sending Blackbird25 a standing ovation.
Her post is a prime example of the power of this site. There is (nearly) always someone that has walked in these shoes and on a comparable path.
Heck… I’m not even sore at the comment about quasi-legal advice (because it’s true).

BlackBird

I wondered too if the OWs husband is in the military? He seems keen on taking your husband down - making sure he pays dearly for sleeping with his wife.

We don’t actually know that the OBS pressured his wife into accusing Fold’s WH of sexual assault; that’s the explanation (or excuse) that Fold’s WH gave her for why OW filed the report.

He's had extensive training in not allowing himself to have a sexual affair with a subordinate. He did anyway. He chose to go to her room. He chose to have sex with her. He chose not to tell his wife, until he had no choice. He's also married, yet chose to do this.

We do not know if the allegations are false. As his wife,OP needs to believe they are. The truth is, they may be. But,they may be true. As much as people hate to hear it..the OW may be a victim.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:31 PM, Tuesday, May 23rd]

Thank you, especially Blackbird. Your kind words are appreciated.

He is following the advice of his attorney regarding the polygraph. I trust the attorney and understand that anything could be subpoenaed or used against him if/when charges are filed. It is a military law counsel and was highly recommended. We have been encouraged thus far in their work.

He is frustrated not to take a polygraph because he feels it would prove to me that this was a one time incident. He had been staying he wanted to take one from the start and it felt like good insurance to me. Every day we spend time talking about whether this incident is isolated. He swears it is and wasn’t premeditated and there had been nothing else or nobody else since we have been married. I don’t completely trust him because of course he now has a pattern of lying when it comes to being faithful. I truly feel like we are in a bad spot. I don’t know what it will take for me to trust this is it and there isn’t more I don’t know, and he doesn’t know how to prove to me that he is being truthful.

As for the allegation, yep, it could true. But my gut says it isn’t. The interactions they had after the incident and that I had with the other person just doesn’t align. How he characterized the events unfolding doesn’t align. And I don’t think he would do it. Yes, he has proven he has poor character when it comes to fidelity but I don’t believe he is a criminal. Call me foolish, but that’s where I stand.

As for the reason she told her husband, I don’t know. After the incident the next day they talked and he said that she told him she just wanted things to go back to normal, that they should just move on, that it was a bad decision they both made, and that she felt guilt and didn’t know if she would need to tell her husband but thought it best to forget it because too many people would get hurt. He agreed and told her that they should be on the same page, either not telling or telling and he would follow suit. She said again let’s just move on, and he agreed. Things went back to normal. They were professional and did not discuss it again. And then she apparently changed her mind or her spouse found out. He is not military. We have no clue why she told or what she told. She may have said it was consensual and her spouse "talked" her into saying it was assault to save her career or he made it conditional to save their marriage; or she told him it was assault to hide the truth that they consensually had sex; or she regrets it and is claiming to be a victim because she needs a way to rationalize the fact that she cheated; or even if consensual she feels she was a victim. Nobody knows but her and her spouse. It kind of matters and doesn’t matter at the same time.

I am working whatever I can (finances, legal counsel for myself, post nup, career counselor) and also trying to sort out an escape hatch if I need one. I am not naively waiting to see what unfolds nor am I clinging to false hope that we can overcome all
of this. I’ve been researching areas I could move with the kids where I know a few people and could potentially get better employment. I am fiscally conservative and devastated the savings we have built would dwindle on two separate households but if I need to rebuild I need a place to do it. I don’t know when a move would happen. For now we will stay as a family unit in the house and either work towards reconciliation or towards divorce. But for the kids and stability and finances and logistics, me moving away isn’t the best option. There is also the option that I stay in the house with the kids and he gets an Airbnb or furnished apartment if it comes to that.

If I could, I would be sending Blackbird25 a standing ovation.

Her post is a prime example of the power of this site. There is (nearly) always someone that has walked in these shoes and on a comparable path.

Heck… I’m not even sore at the comment about quasi-legal advice (because it’s true).

Here-Here!

In spite of our quasi legal advice, OP seems way ahead of us. Fold, I’m really impressed with your composure and critical thinking skills in the midst of this crisis. I have no doubts you’re going to come out of this well.

Military Spouses have always impressed.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:06 PM, Tuesday, May 23rd]

Thank you. I am typically a realistic, organized person and not overly emotional. Where I think my spouse is floundering in uncertainty I am trying to forge ahead with anything I can with logistics because it’s the only control I can exhibit. And I have to do something other than cry.

So much feels out of control, out of my hands, and up in the air. I despise uncertainty and limbo and I know I may be in it for a long time.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know when is the time to do anything. I’m afraid making a decision now will be hasty. Im afraid I will stay to try to make it work and I will be used and tossed aside in the end. I’m also afraid to stay and try to make it work and wind up miserable with a partner I can never ever trust. I’m afraid of being a single parent, of being poor and not very employable and struggling. I am afraid I will be alone with nothing but the kids. I also can’t fathom packing off my kids to see their father every other weekend or for the summer, or him having a new partner who is in my kids lives. They’re mine. I don’t want to share them. And I’m afraid my kids will be screwed up if we divorce and when they find out the reason why.

I know I’m not the reason he strayed. But I feel so insignificant and tossable and that he must have done it bc I’m unattractive and unlikeable and inattentive. He keeps claiming otherwise but if you loved and cared for someone why would you destroy everything for 10 minutes with someone else?

I am just totally lost, and totally numb, like screaming on the inside. And I feel complete and utter hopelessness, that nothing will ever make me smile or find real joy again because I will always be second guessing anything good that presents itself.

Fold123, I'm really glad that you're securing your own legal counsel and exploring all of the options available to you (both with and without your husband). I know it probably seems horribly overwhelming and insurmountable at this point, but you're taking action to protect yourself and your kids and that should be your primary focus at this point. You will survive this.

As for how to deal with your husband, I do agree with you that, while the legal and financial axes are swinging over your heads, you can't really pave a path forward in any direction. If you haven't yet, I advise you to check out the Healing Library read up on the 180. I really think you should implement this strategy to get some emotional distance from your husband in order to properly assess your current situation, your marriage as a whole, and gain as much clarity as you possibly can while you weigh your options. Although your natural inclination is to lean toward him for comfort and support, the reality is that you can't... he's not a safe partner (as shown by his continued lies and infidelity) and he's not emotionally available at the moment anyway.

I also wanted to touch on the difficulties you expressed because your entire social and support network is centered on the military. Although not a service member or a spouse of anyone in the service, my ex-husband and I lived in and were part of a small ethnic community where everyone knew everyone else, with some family relationships going back generations to the old country. I felt like my entire life and marriage were under a microscope; everyone was talking about the disintegration of our marriage and had an opinion about what I should or shouldn't be doing. All of my closest friends at the time were the spouses of his friends or relatives; consequently, I got no emotional support from any of them.

Do you have a decent relationship with any of your family members? I know you said you're on the opposite coast from them, but are you able to communicate with anyone regularly? Also, do you have any pre-marriage friends or a friend outside the military that you trust? If you have even one person in whom you can confide, that will go a long way in feeling less alone as you get through this crisis.

EDIT; ADD (since we cross-posted)

I know I’m not the reason he strayed. But I feel so insignificant and tossable and that he must have done it bc I’m unattractive and unlikeable and inattentive. He keeps claiming otherwise but if you loved and cared for someone why would you destroy everything for 10 minutes with someone else?

Because he's a reckless idiot. Even if he was single, he should've never had sex with that woman. He shouldn't even have put himself in a position where he could've been accused of anything, which he did when he went back to her room with her.

Instead of second-guessing your worthiness as a partner, you should ask yourself whether you want to tie your future to someone who is as foolish, self-centered, self-indulgent, and impulsive as he is... because his infidelity is merely a symptom of those character flaws. I suspect that there are plenty of other expressions of these flaws that you've forgiven and overlooked over the course of your relationship with him.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:02 PM, Tuesday, May 23rd]

I have confided in one friend in our community (they were "assigned" to check on us but we were friends already). She has been supportive but they are moving in a week and I am trying to distance because she has been a bit of a life ring for me and I know it’s not healthy.

My sister knows and is supportive but doesn’t know what to say so isn’t great with advice. I get it’s hard to be in that role. And my childhood best friend knows. That’s it. Others know something is up and have offered words of support; just not sharing details with anyone else and it’s all speculation.

I’m definitely not leaning on my spouse for support or comfort. We’re civil and talking but focused on our own things and the kids. We are sleeping separately and not hanging out or being affectionate or anything. He tells me he loves me and is sorry every night and I don’t say anything.

I know this is not my fault but I feel such an enormous amount of shame. It feels horrible and I hate playing pretend when I go out or pick up the kids or am making small talk, forcing smiling, wearing my wedding ring. I feel completely detached, spacey, and disingenuous every second of the day. I get through what I have to do and try to talk to one of my three designated people each day but I count the minutes until the kids are down and I can take my sleep aid and forget about all of this until the morning.

Oh Fold {{{{hugs}}} my heart breaks for you.
Sounds like you’re implementing a soft 180. Go harder. He needs to sit and stew in his own mess for a while. And don’t you dare for one second feel like you need to carry his shame. This is all on him. I totally get it though. That stupid saying I used to hear all the time - how we (spouses) were just an accessory, we didn’t matter because "if the army wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one." That’s literally this old school culture and mentality. For a wife, whatever your husband did - whether it was recognition, an award, accolades - the wife gets her pat on the back too - the "thank you for supporting your soldier in his career goals" - trust me I have MANY certificates thanking me for supporting him, on each promotion, award, etc. And when things go sideways, there you are too - joined at the hip, when he falls so do you. And you feel responsible, you feel like everyone is pointing and staring at you, the whispers, the people who won’t look you in the eye. I don’t know if you live on the installation. We did because the nature of H’s job required us to be minutes away from the unit HQ in case he got the call and had to leave within a few hours. So living in this bubble of a community - everyone knows everyone, you shop at the same commissary, go to the same medical clinic, your kids all go to the same schools on post. You feel like you can’t escape the scrutiny, the gossip, the stares when you live in a bubble like this. You lose a little bit of yourself when you’re a military spouse because your identity is so tied to his, like a package deal. Your life is so intertwined with your husband that if YOU did something wrong, your H could be called on the carpet for your behavior. Crazy huh? I can’t tell you how many times H had to counsel young soldiers who’s wives had floated bad checks at the exchange or the commissary. The wife did that! And the soldier had to get counseled! And I can attest to the extreme loneliness you feel and the lack of support when you live so far from your family. My H spent his entire career abroad or on the east coast. And I’m from the west coast. No one was there when I had my babies - we do these things by ourselves. I know you must feel very isolated and vulnerable. And I know EVEN if you are a part of a family support group - that’s probably the last place you’d want to try to find an ally to help you through this crisis. Check your Tricare benefits for mental health services. See if you can find someone local that specializes in military family counseling - someone who understands the dynamics and nuances of being a military family. This is NOT your shame Fold, this is not your fault. He knew what he was doing / he knew what was at stake, knew what could happen if anyone found out. Yet he chose to do it anyway. You are so fresh in your pain right now - and you’re going to vacillate between competing thoughts - extreme anger and frustration at your H and what he did to you and your family; sadness, fear, all primal, deep gut wrenching feelings that have you swinging from one side to the other. Girl - cry it out, feel those emotions. You’re not alone - I know we’re strangers, but I know you’re going to get to the other side of this. It’s gonna suck right now, but you will heal from all this. It’s far too early to know what’s going to happen with your H and the legal process; and that’s fine - that’s his battle that he has to face. You focus on your future - what it’s gonna look like with OR without him. Get your ducks in a row.

Thank you Bigger, thank you Reality… it never ceases to amaze me how resilient military spouses can be!! Fold - you can do hard things!!

To follow on what Blackbird said. I also served as an Army officer and was a participant in two courts martials. One of them was for sexual assault involving a subordinate. The accused claimed that everything was consensual and the victim claimed that it was not. At that time, the chain of command tended to lean towards letting the process play out so there was no rug sweeping. The case went to trial and the accused was acquitted of sexual assault, but was convicted of conduct unbecoming and adultery. He did not get jail time, but he was stripped of all his rank, fined and dismissed from the service with 18 years behind him. I will say that I believe in the Military system, if it goes to trial, juries are very impartial and really do their best to come to the right decision. On the flip side, while stationed in Korea, I watched a Captain get arrested at the airport on his way home after his tour. He was charged with rape. He and his accuser were equal rank. He claimed that everything was consensual and that she was mad when she found out he was married. She claimed that they were drinking, he made advances and she said no and that he forced her. He was court martialed, found guilty of rape and sentenced to 10 years in prison. In the first case, the victim was not a strong witness and a lot of her story fell apart during questioning. The second one was much stronger and more convincing. The reality is, in the military you just don't know. What I do know is that everyone will know what is going on. No matter how much you try to hide it, it will get out. Be prepared for people who you thought were friends to distance themselves from you. They will be worried about guilt by association. Also be prepared that your husbands career is over. Even if the most serious charges go away, he will never be promoted again. I am not sure if you said whether or not your husband is active duty or not. If he is, remember that you as a military spouse are eligible for the same legal services that he has as long as there are attorney's available. You may want to consider reaching out to the JAG office to see what your options are. Good luck, and I wish you nothing but the best.

Thank you Benwyck and Blackbird. I appreciate your time in replying.

Yes, what makes this so incredibly difficult is how entwined my life has been in the community. It’s just unique where your coworkers are your neighbors are your friends, and it’s a small network and everyone knows everyone. We don’t live on post but our neighborhood is heavily military. I’ve been involved with so much and have supported his career for almost a decade. My PT work is minimal and I spend more time on spouse duties and organizations than anything else. I’ve pulled out of all of that and of course have pulled from post events and activities. People are talking and speculating here and at other posts. Giving a wide berth. I get it.

It’s a complete loss of really almost everything in my life. I am losing my identity as a military spouse, my career as such (all of the volunteer work really adds up TBH), my community, the activities I participated in, the social life we had, and some of my social circle. To say nothing of my reputation by association and my self esteem. Later when more comes out I would gamble I will lose a lot more and become more fragile and hurt as more people around me retreat. Add on to that an uncertain future, a fear for how I can support myself as a single parent, not living anywhere near family or support (we’re actually pretty new to the area as it is), insecurity about my ability to find better paying work, and the very real fear and realty I will see less of my kids if I have to share custody. And that’s not even touching on the fact that my marriage was been desecrated and I have been cheated on.

We know for certain his career is over. No surprises there. Best case he is permitted to retire, maybe gets knocked down a rank. Worst case he goes to prison for something he didn’t do and is stripped of everything. Could really fall on a wide spectrum of devastation.

I will be using an external attorney who specializes in military law to advise me on the post-nup, and process for divorce as an option. The military lawyers don’t get involved and I wouldn’t want assistance from post anyway.

I finally have a mental health appointment later this week and put a request in for a marriage counselor appointment as well.

I am trying to breathe through this while forging ahead with research and escape hatches. I am just utterly gutted and terrified. And sick with worry and pain. I feel so wronged but the anger and emotion isn’t there yet. I’m still in shock and bargaining. I still cannot believe this has become my shell of a life and I have been reduced to this state. I know I need to be and stay "strong" but I am exhausted and it’s only the beginning.

I can’t tell you how fortunate I feel that many of you are reading and writing on this thread. I am so ashamed and can’t talk to more than my identified few people and I am just drowning. Writing and replying here is really helping me, much more than I would like to have to admit. So thank you.

Please remember and keep reminding yourself that you have nothing to be ashamed about. Should your kids be ashamed? You shouldn't be either. It has nothing to do with you or anything you did or didn't do.

I think the ex military posters that have been in the same brand of shoes you are marching in are going to give you invaluable advice so I’m going to cut down on my views and opinions.

I will leave you with this:

Worst case he goes to prison for something he didn’t do…

If the court finds him guilty… he’s guilty. Don’t offer him a discount on accountability.

Bigger, yes. If he is found guilty, then he is found guilty. Even if he didn’t do it and I believe he did not do it, he could be found guilty. Plenty of people are. Then none of this matters anyway because he and I will walk away with nothing and I will need to flee with my children immediately to rebuild a life just us.

Cheaters lie...cheaters deceive.........cheaters have so many opportunities to stop the lies and deceit.....Cheaters make a conscious choice to cheat....It was a decision made by him! No one can "make you cheat".....If they can lie about cheating and keep it hidden , they can lie about anything!

You will never know the truth from the lies.....How can you ever trust anything said? He came clean only when forced to.....he had time to spin his tale his way, time to think of how to tell the story and make himself the victim........Any man who can hurt his family and disrespect his wife just to get his rocks off...cannot be trusted. I would not believe anything he says. There is more to the story. Take Care of yourself and your children. Let the chips fall where they may for your WS. He is responsible for whatever happens to him.

After all the possible legal issues are behind you,and you have him take the polygraph, what will you do if he fails the question about this being consensual? That's a very real possibility. You should be making plans for that now,rather than later.

There are conditions I have discussed with him where I will 100% file and walk away: (1) if he’s convicted, (2) if she winds up pregnant and keeps a child, (3) if he takes a polygraph when the legal side is done and it shows he has cheated on another occasion other than this "one incident" or that he is in fact guilty.

Liars lie and cheaters cheat. This much is true. Since he has cheated before it is now a terrible pattern or history. He needs to address in IC and MC why he cheated, if he’s unable not to cheat, and what he can and will do if he wants to try to reconcile. He also needs to do the work to determine how he could rehabilitate if we divorce so that he doesn’t cheat on someone else. It’s all in his hands and up to his ability to make changes if he desires to.

I am about as open to cleanly divorcing as I am to cautiously trying to reconcile. Depending on the day my desire to do one over the other shifts. Unfortunately, with children and financials, there are more factors weighing in here than if we were both working FT without kids. If I made six figures and wasn’t a mom, yeah, I’d probably be leaving. But that’s not my case and it complicates because of it.

There are plenty of people on this forum who were cheated on once and immediately divorced. Some are happy, some may mot be. There also are loads of people who stay with people who cheat when that individual is able to change, and oftentimes despite the fact that they cannot. Look at the many posters here who have reconciled. Some are happy, some may mot be. Some have been cheated on many times since trying to reconcile. Everyone makes a choice that works for them and their spouse, and I will at some point need to do the same.

I don’t have enough info or time (it has literally been two weeks) to determine which way to go, whether I can or will forgive him, whether we have potential to overcome or not. Hell, we’re not even sure if we WANT to try to make it work. It seems so insurmountable. Regardless, I’m not making a sudden move other than making plans for various options and outcomes that safeguards myself and my children to the best of my ability. He needs to prove to me what he is and will and can do to improve upon this dumpster fire he set alight. And we both need therapy, apart and together, to see what may come.

The decision to D or R after infidelity is typically the most pressing issue for betrayeds. Most betrayeds can't actually get to a decision for some time due to the shock and trauma on Dday. Then there is TT, minimizing, gaslighting, all just dragging it out as truth is hidden and the betrayed doesn't know up from down never mind how to replan their entire lives in a matter of moments/weeks or even months.

In your case, fold, R or D doesn't seem to be the priority. I completely get that.

First, you know he is going to lose his job. That's absolutely coming and you have children to house and feed. The financial implications of his mess are unknown but likely to be a major loss. You have to plan for this somehow. Then there is his legal battle and while it's his to fight, your husband possibly going to jail and you having to explain that to your children is just a goddamn nightmare.

R or D seems almost inconsequential at the moment.

Bigger (a regular poster here) likes to talk about infidelity like a house being on fire. Typically it's to point out that we don't worry about things like "should I mow the lawn," nor do we sit there and do nothing. We act. With urgency and toward the most vital things.

In my opinion you're are trying to do just that. Seeing a lawyer for yourself is, I think, a super important step. Can you protect assets? Can you protect your future self (post nup)? And probably all sorts of other questions I'd never think of since I'm not a lawyer.

Next, I'd suggest you start thinking about how and if you can find work. R or D, you're financial situation is about to change. You're going to need an income.

If you have to leave your current housing situation, it might be a good idea to start looking at other options as well.

Those are things I'd be worrying most about: finances, food and shelter for my kids. And legally protecting myself and them as much as possible.

Underling all of that with: please make yourself a priority as well. Can you see a therapist? Keep reaching out to those that love and support you. Practice exquisite self care when you can. Mind your health and well being because this is a long road and you're going to need you. Your kids will too.

Fold – the real issue if he fails a poly isn’t really that he has had other affairs.
In fact – if he goes into the test knowing you will divorce if he fails on that issue he will go with nothing to lose. He will either try to beat the poly or convince you that the accuracy of these machines is low.
The REAL issue is that when you have given him a chance to be honest – even if that honesty is acknowledging a dozen other affairs – he’s still being dishonest once strapped into the poly.

Get it? If he came to you now and told you that over the years he’s had 3 other affairs… your marriage could still survive if that’s what you wanted. If – however – after you have given him every chance to trust you and to be honest he fails because of ONE other affair… you should be divorcing.

And yes – the burning house comparison…
We don’t contact a contractor and start fixing broken windows while the flames are still alive and while we aren’t clear if the foundations are damaged or not.