An update
When I talked to my husband about the contact with her I said "Listen, unless she is completely an idiot, after all these years she wouldn't keep in touch had you created a wall between you. If she keeps in touch with sentences such as "Btw I miss you" is because she knows she can speak to you like that and because you obviously have given fuel for this nonsense. Are you very kind to her during your contacts? Why would she want to end her contacts when she knows you validate her and she validates you? The thing is by doing so you don't help her move on and you create distress to me. Who is really benefitting from all this? Do you realise how selfish this is?"
So he said I will try to be "less friendly"... wow!!
So for a long time I did not check his phone. But I did recently. The last contact is of six months ago, but they had a long conversation and she called him with a nickname they used during the relationship (I know because it was the background image of their chat) and he did the same to her, to which she responded with a heart, how exciting!! They spoke of her birthday party, the end of chemo and she said "I feel lonely". Now she is obviously still hoping he changes his mind. It is clear she really behaves like as a needy person and a needy person is never welcome and really desired. She has many "friends" on social media (I would say acquaintances) and she flirts with many men but she is feeling lonely now. She has realised she will never have a family, too old for children, hot flashes will start soon, she has had had a mastectomy. But speaking to my husband is a stroke to her ego (and a victory against me) and for my husband is exactly the same, he feels validated. They feed each other's ego. He even asked her if she regularly deletes his chat and she said she has kept everything, also the photos, so his ego had another big booster. It is like living with a spoiled child.
So it is very likely I have a narcissist husband, isn't it? The fact is I did not even cry about this discovery. I am disappointed and I know he is what he is, a poor idiot. If I had found out on D-day, I would have left him, without even considering the consequences of that decision. However I am looking at my life now and how it would be without him.
We have a great complicity, regular quality sex, very good quality time, we do lots of things together, we sleep in a hug, he writes or calls me several times a day and this has been going on for more than 4 years. He takes care of me when I am poorly, he ALWAYS cooks, he fixes everything around the house (he is an incredible handyman and has always been very talented at it), we have nice trips and holidays, I could take time off from work and I have my own small business now but he is mainly paying for everything.
During the affair it wasn't like that at all. The financial aspect has always been a blessing, though. But he was abrupt, he had no empathy about anything, he behaved as if I did not exist.
Yes, I wished my relationship were an exclusive relationship in all forms, that he behaved with me like I do with him, I don't flirt with anyone, however I am secretly in touch with a person whom I have never met, who helped me so much during my time of big difficulties in the middle of the crisis and my husband does not know anything about him (we are not flirting at all, we are just being helpful to each other) and he would be very shocked to find out I did not share this with him. SO at the end of the day I have my secrets and they are proper secrets.
I have many acquaintances who split up from their spouses and thought their life would improve. They are mainly women and since the end of their relationship they have had different men in their lives, they have never been happy again, always suspicious of their new partner's behaviours, always finding out something they did not expect, changed partner again and again and in the end they are and feel very lonely. Some are struggling with their finances (in my country alimony is becoming thinner and thinner)so at the moment I am just becoming aware my husband is not interested in a relationship of complete fidelity, they way I see it.
He is not having sex with anyone else, he doesn't say to anyone "I love you" but he is flirting still with that Fu****g B***h, he needs to feed his ego, but he does not desire to change his life and have her as a life partner, he is pretty content with our family. He just feels entitled to more flirting, to keep some memories alive, to feel there is another woman who puts him on a podium and makes him feel a hero and a great man, which he knows he isn't, to feel two women are competing for him.
AT this point for me I can live with that. I can just check every now and then that things are not going back to a proper affair and if they do, I have had a good life, full of comforts for a longer time. I honestly can't be bothered anymore about him, I am starting to look at what is more convenient for me and I swear, If I ever meet a man I am interested in, I would have no problem in starting a new life. The important is that he doesn't suspect I know what an idiot he is, that he feels safe and that his "weak" wife is "under control". For me being aware of all this is a great power I feel I have.
And I genuinely feel that all the betrayed people who trust their spouse only do because they don't want to dog deep as I did and are happy to believe they have they most honest spouse at their side. They are not sure, but they want to believe that. I wanted to believe it too, I dug, I kept my eyes open and I found out there can be major changes but whatever a person does not want to change, they are not changing.
Having an affair is feeling entitled and feeling a certain power over the spouse. I really feel it is nearly impossible to completely let go of this desire of power and of feeling entitled. So my advice to all of you is if you don't want to find out, don't dig too hard. If you do want to know, put hidden microphones in his car, put a hidden software in his phone and be aware they could have another phone you will never know about.
They are idiots, professional liars and as long as you know you are dealing with idiots, it is not a big problem. The big problem is when you believe all the bullshit they say.
[This message edited by Molly65 at 4:40 PM, Monday, February 26th]