SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you, definitely going to be tougher.

I kind of want to get divorce papers drawn up right now! But it's a Friday night, so not gonna happen.

But as far as I can see, that's now the only way out.

I would've cut my arm off to save this. I'd do literally anything. But it's not up to me.

If anyone has tips on how to lessen this blow to your children, I could use advice there. Thank you!

So sorry for you.

Sending strength.

Thank you, I need all the prayers and help I can get.

I don't know how we're supposed to be able to sleep at night anymore.

I am so sorry for you. And your child too.

It’s going to get worse before it gets better.

You need to be prepared for your wife to come home and:

1. Continue the lies that it’s "not what you think"
2. Continued contact with the other man (OM)
3. Anger towards you 😡😡

You did a very smart thing contacting the OM’s wife. You showed your wife you are not putting up with her nonsense any longer.

I can tell you my biggest regret and my biggest mistake during my H’s midlife crisis affair was not standing up to him sooner. He kept telling me he wanted a Divorce but I kept trying to convince him our marriage was good and we could "fix" it.

As Bigger pointed out you cannot fix or repair anything if the OM is still in the picture. I learned that lesson the hard way.

However I was able to take back my power and control in my marriage at dday2 (b/c one Dday wasn’t enough lol). I had to call the OW to learn the affair re-started 4 months prior so while I was working my butt off my H was still cheating. 😡

Luckily I was smart enough during his affair to protect myself. I had an exit strategy just in case. And in dday2 I pulled the trigger.

I went to my H in a very broken state and said this: I am D you. Unfortunately I have no other choice and have nothing left to give to this marriage. You are free to be with the OW or anyone else you choose.

And I left the room. No yelling. No discussion. No argument.

And then I shed the hard 180. I mean hard.

I did NOTHING for him. I ate dinner with him only if kids were home. If they were not home I didn’t speak to him. I didn’t engage with him. I didn’t do his laundry or anything for him.

It’s been 10 years and I still don’t do his laundry lol.

The point is I stripped him of his ability to make any decisions about me or kids. I told him he was leaving the house and kids and I were staying and he was paying for it. I told him he was leaving on X date and he had to figure out where to go. I had $ in my name and he had no access to it.

I turned the tables on him because I needed to get out of the hell I was living in. I didn’t want a D BUT I was left with no other options. I gave him every opportunity but he continued to choose the OW.

We have happily R and it’s been 10 years. It’s a very different marriage b/c I stood up to him. He knows I will not tolerate any crap from him and he knows if I think he’s cheating for even a second — I’m going straight to D, it’s not open for discussion.

He’s now afraid I will leave him. Because I’m no longer a pushover line I once was.

The person who has the least to lose is the one with the upper hand. And right now YOU have the upper hand b/c you know the truth. And you have been proactive in getting out of this nightmare.

I hope your cheating spouse gets the message you are not putting up with her lying and cheating for another second.

That's a great story and gives me some hope! Thank you for sharing. I'll try to stay strong and talk to a lawyer again tomorrow.

Alpabet100

There is no need to rush off to a divorce lawyer, as in today or tomorrow.
It’s a process. It takes a long time. It’s a marathon, and it’s OK to pace yourself going forward. The legal part – the one you need an attorney for – is only one of many parts.
Definitely research D in your state and have a good idea what to expect. Definitely decide early next week what attorney to hire. But nothing needs to be done in that area in the next 48 hours.

Your wife’s decision to go to be with OM tells me a lot. It’s not really that common that a couple having an affair really hook-up long-term or initiate a long-term relationship. It’s more common that it’s a heavily fantasy-based relationship. Sort of an “alas! In another world we could be happy, but I am doomed to remain with the evil ogre or he will take my kids away” sort of scenario.
I think there is an above average chance that your wife intended this rendezvous as her last… That after this she was willing to sacrifice her life’s happiness (OM) to be with you in order to save her family.
However… It’s a lot like the alcoholic that recognizes he has a problem and is going to attend his first AA meeting this evening, but decides to have a last drink, a last binge and to stop by the bar on the way to the meeting. The will is honest – but the intent or mentality to see it though isn’t there. Any experienced recovered alcoholic will share that those that arrive at their first meeting this way don’t stay sober. Just like I can more-or-less guarantee that the intention of one last fling won’t end her affair.

My recommendations to you would be the following:
Make it your goal in life to get out of infidelity.
If you entertain any hope or wish to reconcile then always remember: YOU CANT RECONCILE ALONE. As long as she is in any form of contact, holds back on the truth, blames you or refuses normal and sensible actions to end the affair… you are not being offered R.
That leaves only one road out of infidelity, and that is divorce.
Stick to that course and do so at YOUR pace. If she wants a chance to save the marriage, then it’s not by you being her warden and monitoring her actions, but rather by her meeting your requirements and then showing and proving to you she’s doing so.

My second recommendation would be to not hide the affair and the reasons you are (potentially) divorcing. Exposure is such an immense tool in ending infidelity. I suggest you let a select group of stakeholders in the marriage know of the affair and that its leading to the demise of your marriage. Chose your words carefully, you don’t phone her sister and tell her you are divorcing because your wife is screwing someone else. Rather use words like “I think you should know I’m initiating divorce because your sister is right now in a hotel with the man shes been having an affair with for the last five months. I hope you can have some impact on her to do right, be that end the affair or hasten the end of our marriage.”
Can you imagine the effects if her phone starts blowing up from calls from her friends, parents or siblings in the next hour?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:42 PM, Saturday, March 23rd]

She knows you know about the affair.

You now know they are on a trip together, staying at the same hotel, and it's not work related.

She's been lying,and telling you she wants the marriage, while she's in a hotel room with him.

You have told her you need honesty. She says she can do that, while she is in a hotel room with him.

She knows you are in pain. Devastated. And, rather than be there for you, she chose to travel with him.

Seems she's already made a choice. But, understand this..she didn't choose you, but she isn't choosing him either. She's choosing herself.

How old are the kids?

@Alphabet100

You now have the most valuable commodity in this kind of situation...clarity. Many people here have stressed the value of seeing the WW as an enemy not the person you believe married. Protect yourself and your kids from her plans, it would be doubtful they are in your interest.

It will be difficult to believe now, but it does get better.

Thank you both, really good input. Our kid is 4 and it breaks my heart that I can't trust she'll truly be putting him first in her decision making.

At this point I'd do anything just for my kid. R or D, whatever, just want him to have his world not too messed up.

alphabet1000,

Strength to you my brother!

Apologies if these questions are repetitive, but just for clarity:

* The OM is a "former" boss who still works for the same company as your WW but at a different location 1,500 miles away?

* The previous "work trip" when you believe the OM was in your WW's car - that must have been in a town near you, right? If your wife drove her car there, it has to be within driving distance, right?

* Your WW's current "work trip" includes weekend days? That alone is super sketchy. Is the current trip also within driving distance for you?

* Is your PI "on the ground" at the "work trip" location? What have you asked them to surveil?

* Is the OBS's PI/"man on the ground" also currently active?

Hang in there!

Alphabet100:

Well now you know how your WW truly feels about you. To continue the affair and to keep seeing the AP after she has been confronted tells you everything you need to know about your WW.

I would stop communication with your WW completely while she is away on the "work trip" unless your son has some sort of health emergency. Is she returning today or what day this week? She probably needs to find another way home from the airport if she was counting on you and your son to meet her at the airport... you don't need to tell her that, let her blow up your phone asking where are you? She'll eventually get the hint and take an Uber or taxi home. Don't feed her ego playing the happy family welcoming her home from her affair trip. She currently has the best of both worlds.... doting husband at home and illicit lover in a nice hotel. Since you know from OBS that AP is separated, your WW may be planning on leaving you for AP since he's getting a divorce.

Read up and implement the 180/gray rock--- hard. You can't "nice" your WW out of an affair.

You need to at least inform your WW's parents of her affair. Don't expect them to take your side, blood is thicker than water. But you need to give the parents the name of the AP to let them know your wife started this relationship while married to you.
Expose to other close friends and both siblings, otherwise your WW will be able to control the narrative and re-write your marriage history.... you'll soon be labeled as abusive, neglectful, controlling, etc.

Stay strong. Retain the attorney, talk to your attorney about having papers served either at home or possible at work since it's a work affair... also discuss what to tell your wife's employer... attorney may advise to hold off to gain leverage in the divorce, hope he/she is a good attorney... follow their advice.

Sorry to be blunt but you're looking at being a father for only 50% of your son's time...keep taking action, and take care of yourself-- try to sleep, keep hydrated, stay off alcohol/drugs, eat clean and exercise...hitting the weights and punching bag is a great way to reduce stress.

I think you need to find your anger.

Here it is:

She is betraying your child every bit as much ad she is betraying you. She may have been a good mom before the affair, but she's a terrible mom now. A good mom doesn't betray her family. A good mom doesn't risk their child's well being, family, and happiness for a side piece. A good mom doesn't expose the father of her child to potentially deadly stds. A good mom doesn't leave her child, to go on a trip with her side piece. A good mom sets a good example. She is purposely doing things that will cause her child enormous pain.

Get angry. It will bring clarity.

File before she does. You want to lock down your rights and control the dialog.

P you want temples custody. I do not want her to file and accuse you of abuse.

I don't know how we're supposed to be able to sleep at night anymore.

Been there brother. There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeing a doctor and getting some help to get through this period either. I got some anti-depressives/anxiety meds when I was going through the worst of it, and it helped an absolute ton. Some mild sleeping tablets didn't go astray either.

I was reticent at first but my doctor (who was also going through a divorce at the time funnily enough) said, 'you don't have to be on this forever, but you're currently sitting at an 8, which means when something happens, your body is going to 11-12. We need you sitting at a 3 so that you only got to 6-7 when something hits the proverbial fan at this time.'

The audacity of your WW knows no bounds at this juncture. As for your son, my twin girls were 5 when I went through this. Kids adapt very quickly and are more resilient then we give them credit for. I'll concede that the thought of one's partner having some lasting effects on kids' sense of family due to them pursuing temporary hedonism, just heaps anger upon simmering rage. You're right to feel angry, and it is perfectly normal.

Interesting that the OBS knew about the A, had evidence, opted for S, but did not contact you in an effort to give you agency over your own life. How many dithering BS'S do we get here not wanting to inform the OBS because they think they are being vengeful, petty, or interfering?

To all those newly minted BS's out there, please read this thread and consider just how much pain and doubt Alph could have avoided if the OBS had just done the right thing and contacted him.

There is a reason we say contact.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 3:03 PM, Wednesday, March 27th]

I'm sorry your in this awful situation.

I'm assuming that your WW is back from her "WORK" trip.
Have you come to a decision on what comes next. Remember that the only one that's most important you child. Do what's right for him.

Thanks again everyone, it's been a whirlwind few days.

Agree with what Justsomeguy said about contacting the other spouse. In my case, the AP's own 18yo daughter knew he was cheating on his wife and eventually spilled it. But the wife didn't contact me, because she lacked "real" proof.

As for my recent developments...

My PI caught WS and AP out to dinner looking like a happy married couple. When I sent these to my WS and the AP's wife, it blew up their plans (which is great!). The APs spouse went ballistic, caused the AP so much stress that night that they cut their evening plans short.

My WS came home as planned the next morning, but I'd left and taken my kid to our friends for the day and night.

Next morning, my WS did a 180. Like the reality of her choices finally set in. Said she wants to fix this, she cut off the AP and ended it, etc etc

She proved to me that she did at least end it, but I'm so doubtful it'll last.

She has made a real effort these past few days, but the trust is just so broken. I'm not sure what to do going forward, to be honest.

It seems like once the affair partner was no longer an option, suddenly you looked good again. There is no way you can trust anything she says at the moment. All I can suggest is you go slow and take as much time as you need to make a final decision - think 6 months plus. Good luck. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

Alphabet1000

I struggle to understand how your WW "proved" that she ended the A, when she just came from a trip that involved a planned romantic dinner with OM.

It seems like your WW is uttering remorse-adjacent platitudes while doing everything she can to further her affair.

Am I the only one confused by this?

I hate to say this, but this is likely going to take a long time. Her heartless, brutal, deliberate betrayal puts her in a special category of WWs who were warned and then deliberately connected with her AP anyway. She'll be in the fog for some time. You cannot trust a word she tells you right now.
At a minimum, she owes you a detailed timeline that includes every detail. Send her Joseph's letter now to help make the case of why you must have the details.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/joseph-letter/
Have her submit to a poly to validate what she said.
See a lawyer and understand your options.
You also sound like you're moving way too fast. You can't know how you really feel right now, so don't assume you know how she feels either. Get yourself to an individual counseling to help work out your feelings.
Stay strong.