I was assaulted by the AP multiple times. Doing recovery from traumatizing my loved ones and myself with the affair, and recovery from the trauma of the assaults, and the case to bring AP to justice is a lot. I'm angry all the time. I have to pass near AP's house to pick my child up and drop him off at school. I feel like I'm preparing for battle just to make a short drive, and I lose that time to connect with my son.
In some ways the anger feels important. I am "at war" in a sense with the case. I feel like it's me against the world because I let go of unhealthy friends after DDay, and my classmates have taken AP's side (except one). It's a small community, so I feel like I have to be guarded against the potential to see AP or his supporters when I'm out. I feel like I have to be guarded at home during the week for another title IX email (the dept has been awful and blaming me so that doesn't help) or case update. The weekends feel like being trapped in limbo. I can't wait until this is over.
I want to set aside the anger to connect with child and BS. Sometimes I can, but I already was a prickly person before and this isn't helping. Every irritation or pause I feel that anger and defensiveness rise up again and want to wall myself off from everyone and everything. But I still need to pick being here again and again.
My therapist has been helping me see the parallels between AP and my father who sexually abused me as a child. I was describing her the stages of idealization and disillusionment with the AP and she said, "Do you realize that you just describe the stages someone who experiences CSA go through with the harmful parent?" That was a full stop moment.
I'm grateful to my individual therapist, my family therapist, and my crisis advocate, but it would be nice to have other people to lean on. That's been my problem though. I've always been looking to other people to give me things that I need to find in myself. Strength to weather this, the love to connect with the people I care about through this, and the self confidence to not doubt myself when others question me are things I need to find by myself. This process is forcing me to stand on my own in something incredibly difficult for the first time in my life. It's hard and lonely and painful. I don't want to become more jaded and guarded though (have better boundaries sure but I'm already untrusting). I want to let this keep opening my heart and cracking my ego. I'm not sure how to do that though and still stay safe.
This is a wild journey I'm on.
