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This gives me so much hope. My FWH actually displays all signs of being contrite. I’m still extremely traumatized and suspicious but this makes me feel better today thank you

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Thank you for bumping this. The contrition article was a great read and a good validation of what she is doing

Thanks for the bump -I'd not seen it before.

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I almost never mention empathy and remorse without making sure I add contrition. I rarely see this word used when advising others. I have even seen comments to the effect that it is incorrectly interpreted as unreasonable expectations or making someone do something instead of accepting their genuine remorse. The most poignant statement in this article, at least to me is that remorse is not contrition, but contrition relies on remorse to be present:

One of the more reliable outward signs that someone has really experienced a change of heart is their willingness and commitment to make amends. The contrite person is not only “sorry” for what he/she has done but is willing to repair the damage inflicted on the lives of others. Many irresponsible characters will challenge their understandably hesitant to trust again victims with retorts like: “I’ve said I’m sorry a million times now – what else do you want from me?!,” attempting all the while to throw the other party on the defensive for doubting their sincerity. Or they will cite some small efforts they have made over a relatively short period of time and then chide their victims for not immediately accepting those small gestures as concrete evidence of meaningful, sincere, permanent change. Contrite individuals understand that the burden of proof rests with them and that they owe those they have hurt a justifiable basis upon which to resume some degree of trust. A contrite person is willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to regain good standing within a relationship.

Without being specific or calling out any one thread, we see this often where a BS has a need related the the contrite actions of their supposed remorseful spouse, but mostly just gets the "I'm filled with remorse" or actions that the WS wanted to serve as contrition but not the actions the BS needs to so contrition. It is often that this is not seen in the posts of BS's in R:

A contrite person is willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to regain good standing within a relationship.

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Love this article! But it does not change the BS's most common mistake:

"My WS is on the way to contrition! I see the signs, and I believe he/she is getting there, right?"

Most every post says this in one way or another.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 8:24 PM, Saturday, January 1st]

(((((((((((Onlytime)))))))))

Thank you so much for posting this. I will be reading it soon. So grateful for your time and help.

[This message edited by Squish at 8:05 PM, Saturday, January 1st]

Thanks for bumping!

Essential info. Should be pinned somewhere.

Really truly a great read. I remember reading it years ago (shortly after D-Day) and finding it helpful when I was one of the "he’s getting it, right?" people that OIN is talking about. Useful now, years later, too.

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