SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, long story short I am a military officer, married to my wife almost 9 years now, together for 11, no kids. I deployed last July and got back in Dec to things feeling off, physical intimacy was more but everything else felt weird.

Long story short I found out in March that she had been having an affair when I caught them in his car together while I was supposed to be at work. She then swore no contact, it wasn’t serious, they only kissed once, and more lies which I believed because we never had any problems before ever. From then on I was playing pick me in every way possible, outings notes events dates.

I then discovered that they were still seeing eachother and eventually in June caught them at a hotel another night I was supposed to be at work. At this point I was raging as the same morning we were saying I love you and how we were working on us.

Many fights and me trying to kick her out and divorce her later she again swore no contact that it was finally over, and I gave her the requested space to get over it. Things weren’t good but weren’t bad, no going out or sneaking but also no connection with us at all besides friendliness.

Fast forward to August, I get off work early and see her phone at the store across the way, I drive over to say hi and I literally walk up to her in his car making out with him. They didn’t even see me, I watched for like 10-15 seconds before I walked up told the guy good luck and asked her if she would finally agree and leave me.

After initially saying she would go he then dumped her because he thought I was keeping her here and he was hurt (hilariously) And now she is being the absolute perfect wife in every way, and she almost got me too, until I found all of the gifts he had given her and she then refused to get rid of them.

After about two weeks of me saying that was my hard line and her saying no and asking for time and changing the subject and refusing a uncontested divorce or divorce of any kind I have now filed a contested divorce.

She doesn’t know yet and gets served next week. She thinks I dropped it and is being the absolute perfect wife and questions why I won’t touch or sleep in the same bed as her.

I am freaking out. She has had such a power over me so far and I am afraid I will lose resolve when she is served and manipulates me and throws herself at or threatens or guilt trips me somehow. How did any of you make it through this stage?

[This message edited by Paltheon232 at 8:12 PM, Thursday, November 21st]

How did any of you make it through this stage?

You just do and be strong. Limit conversations to just the D. If she keeps at you leave the house for a bit. You have to significantly limit contact with her. Eventually one will have to move out of the house. That's when things got easier for me to navigate and I went completely no contact with my xWS.

If you can't kick her out of the house, can you kick her out of the bedroom?

Physical space helps. I constantly reminded myself that I deserve WAY better than the treatment he was giving me. She has shown you time and time again that you are not a priority.

Little by little, I made it through and moved on with my life. It also helped me to know that if he does the work, he can always get back together. This doesn't have to be the end all be all. He never did the work and that showed me that I made the right decision. We have 2 kids together. They were 1 and unborn/pregnant at the time of his cheating. We divorced a couple of years later. They are 18 and almost 17 now.

I’ve been sleeping on the couch. But I can’t kick her out because we live in base housing so unless she volunteers I’m stuck. But yea trying to keep space. I’m legitimately terrified of what will happen the day she gets served though. She will either love bomb or go insane evil and both are terrifying. Just praying it isn’t extreme.

The hardest part is her treating me perfectly and lovingly and everything I have ever asked for like normal from before all this but still being in contact with him and lying about it and keeping mementos.

[This message edited by Paltheon232 at 11:12 PM, Thursday, November 21st]

I don't know the technicalities, but once she is served are you then able to say you're separated and she needs to move off base?

If not, can you move into the barracks instead?

I’m going to try to go that route. I can’t move into the barracks as an officer unfortunately. Just praying that things are not dangerous while we still reside together. She will end up refusing to move anything out and then blame me when I give it all away. Very worried about that.

You need to talk to your legal department on base. They can help you navigate this.
I am so sorry she is putting you through this.

"How did any of you make it through this stage?"

I finally saw exWH for who he was and I became absolutely and resolutely unwilling to remain married with him doing what he was doing.
I found it in myself to leave him day by day hour by hour year by year by telling myself that if he became a safe partner we could reconcile.
He did not become a safe partner.

Unfortunately you were not the first nor will you be the last soldier cheated on. I expect there are resources on post for support. I am sorry you are going through this.

I was an officer’s wife. When he was gone I did not cheat. It was really that simple as far as I and any military spouses I was friends with saw it.

(In return, he blindsided me with his unbecoming conduct in the military that I found out about a decade after it happened and after we had a child. He swore he had changed. I was the schmuck who believed him. DD2 another decade and a half later was the sucker punch knockout.)

Thank you for your service.

The hardest part is her treating me perfectly and lovingly and everything I have ever asked for like normal from before all this but still being in contact with him and lying about it and keeping mementos.

I hope you realise that this is a facade she is putting up, right?

*hint: she is still holding onto her little A trinkets.*