SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

January 2024 I found out my husband had been having an affair for just over a year with his colleague. I was 5 months pregnant at the time and we also had a 2 year old. When I found out he moved out for a couple of months however insisted that he was clear that he wanted nothing to do with the affair partner and wanted to fight for our marriage. My husband moved back in before the baby was born. January 2025 I found out that my husband continues to seep with his affair partner after discovery day but insisted it ended before he moved back in, I also found out that he slept with another one of his colleagues during the time he moved out. Our whole town knows about the affair (everyone knew before me) I can’t go to the shops or do the school drop off without seeing someone that knows, it’s so humiliating.

Our marriage was not bad at all, we were actively trying for our second child, making future plans, booking holidays, telling each other we loved each other, very sexually active, looking at moving house etc so for me I literally had no suspicion that he was having an affair, he was just working lots of overtime in a new job so I didn’t find it strange.

I am still in the worst place mentally. I struggle with daily life. The affair and all the details go through my mind every minute of every day, making it so hard to concentrate on anything else. I feel like I have nothing to talk about with anyone (even my husband) because all I think about it the affair. I think about how much I hate my life and the only good thing is my children who I love so much. But then I think about how their childhood and life’s have also been ruined,

When does it get easier? When will I stop thinking about it? When will the noise in my head stop

Hi snowdrop. So sorry you had to find this but glad you did it. It’s really late so I don’t have time to write more but I wanted you to know you’ve been heard and others will be along to offer some help. For now, please read in the healing library and read other posts and just found out forum. You’ll find some great resources there. And just know that it’s still early days for you. This takes a while to get through. And a lot of it has to do with how much your WS is helping out. Take care of yourself and bring those resources. And trust that you’re going to get through this.

Snowdrop, you need to accept that your ws is a cheater. Not once, but twice, and possibly more. That, sadly, is the reality of everyone on here. The name of this forum is SurvivingInfidelity, and that can mean different things.
1. There is true reconciliation because the ws does the work and become the person they should be
2. The ws continues the affair/cheating and because of issues like financial, health, age etc. the bs stays. Usually very unhappy.
3. The ws leaves for the AP.
4. The bs leaves.

It is what you can tolerate. It is whether your ws grows up and behaves himself. Getting out of infidelity is very personal. You will get very good suggestions. Read them all. There is great wisdom here.

My concern is always the health of the bs. The kind of stress you are under will eventually become a chronic illness. I have read chronic fatigue syndrome is from long term stress. Digestive issues, headaches, susceptibility to general illnesses are often what happens to bs. My suggestion is defined by whatever you need to find to get yourself into a healthy place because you are a parent.

First, you've experienced 2 d-days about 12 months apart. That's trauma on trauma. You're 2-3 months from the 2nd trauma - that's usually a very bad time. You've got an infant and a toddler depending on you. I'm sure you're getting some joy from your kids, but their requirements are so very stressful.

Of course you feel awful.

My reco is to feel the grief, anger, fear, shame, whatever that comes with being betrayed multiple times and let the feelings flow out of your body. That usually takes some alone time, which is very difficult to get with kids, so give yourself time and grace.

*****

I know it's normal to feel humiliated - but you didn't fail. Your H did. He cheated to avoid resolving his own issues, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

So hold your head high when you go out in your village. Some people will snicker, and they'll regret it if they become BSes. But many people will have sympathy for you because they know you didn't fail - your H did.

*****

Are you in IC? A good therapist can help.

What sort of support do you have? Emotional support from friends? Practical support for child care and household chores?

Do you know if you really want your H back? Or are you uncertain about R/D? Or do you want to dump your H?

*****

There are a bunch of 'bull's-eyed' posts at the top of this forum. I urge you to browse them - you may find a lot of help that speaks to yu.

Also, I recommend reading https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/. That article lives in 'The Healing Library', and I recommend browsing there, too.

*****

Go for healing yourself first. Don't worry about R or D. The healthier you get, the better the outcome will be. No matter what, have some faith in yourself to heal. That will take longer than you want it to take. Progress will probably start very slowly. But you will heal.

First and most important:
They cheat despite us – not because of us.
If you look at the gossip columns and any of those tacky social magazines then every third story is about how some beautiful celeb is separating from their beautiful partner because they had sex with the housekeeper, a prostitute, the personal trainer... Basically people we though had everything cheating on someone we thought had everything with someone that may or might not have anything.
So you go out and hold your head up high. It’s not you who cheated, broke vows, wasted family money, risked your career... It’s all on HIM.

Second:
What sort of job is he in where you not only find one person to cheat with, but then a second?
Do you feel safe with him there?
What is his role there that gives him this pulling-power?
Is his job unique or special in any way? How hard would it be for him to get a new job?

Third:
Pause all future plans. Especially the second child. This man cheated while you were pregnant, and the birth of his first child didn’t stop him. All a second child will do is make you more chained to him.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're here. Some resources that may help you are the posts pinned to the top of the forum. There are some that aren't pinned but can be identified by the bull's eye icon on the post. The Healing Library has a lot of great information. Here's one that talks about mind movies and tips to help you stop thinking about them:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/how-to-stop-mind-movies/

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist may be able to help. The mind movies & lack of concentration (and probably other things you haven't identified yet) are due to the betrayal trauma you have suffered. Your WH (wayward husband) should have therapy to work on becoming a safe partner. How to Help Your Spouse Heal by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass are good starting points for him, too.

If you are having trouble with sleeping or depression, you may need some meds to help you through this tough part. Also, you should be tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty diseases that can turn into cancer and cause other health issues, in addition to the stress that Cooley mentioned.

For me, it was about a year before the mind movies started to back off. I had nightmares for 3 years (several, almost every night), and after the nightmares stopped, I was able to get to a place where I felt like I was going to be ok.

Infidelity is the worst.

I am so sorry you're here, Snowdrop92. Please don't get pregnant with this man. That's the last thing you should do.

When I found out he moved out for a couple of months however insisted that he was clear that he wanted nothing to do with the affair partner and wanted to fight for our marriage. My husband moved back in before the baby was born. January 2025 I found out that my husband continues to sleep with his affair partner after discovery day but insisted it ended before he moved back in, I also found out that he slept with another one of his colleagues during the time he moved out.

If he's like 99% of all other cheaters, and he is, he's lying. All cheaters are liars, although not all liars are cheaters.

When he told you he wanted nothing to do with his affair partner he was lying. The only thing stopping him from seeing her is if he gets bored of her, meets someone better, or if she tosses him out.

If he really was seeing a second woman, there will be more. There is nothing to stop him if there is nothing in his internal makeup to make him stop.