SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So when you have decided on ‘R’ knowing what you want, expressing your expectations and having set in stone boundaries is so bloody hard. Knowing what I want from marriage 2.0 seems to be the hardest part of this shit show.

I have accepted my husband had an affair, I have accepted he was not the man I had hoped or thought he was, I have accepted my marriage was destroyed for some cheap (and so vanilla 😂) sex with a sub par woman with no moral compass, just like my husband. I have become slightly bitter and negative to the whole marriage thing but realise my trauma is the reason behind this.

I have accepted the fact I’m now staying with a lying cheat who whilst is trying to improve himself as a better person and husband is still occasionally going back to his old ways of lying (not cheating related) and not always communicating as much as I feel I like and need.

What I seem to struggle with is knowing what exactly what I want in the future. Right now I am content enough in this marriage even though I know he still has issues. We have good times alone and with the kids, he is way more helpful around the house, is much more supportive with regards to my career and my interests and has communicated with me how happy he is that I am now more involved with his interests. Life is easier with him in it.

BUT I just always have these thoughts in my mind that it will be a waste of my time to make future plans with him. I’m happy to make plans now but not for anything long term. For example we are going to have a family trip over seas later in the year but I won’t commit to renovating the house due to the fact we may not have it forever. And I then still have the thought ‘he doesn’t even deserve a second chance’!

I guess I can’t commit fully to R until I sort these thoughts out 🤷🏼‍♀️ What do I want my marriage to look like after betrayal?. I just don’t know, it is just so bloody hard.

Webbit, I feel your conundrum. I'm just 4 years post DDay, have been in full blown IC for 15 months now. Have learned to believe in myself again, learned about my past and how it molded who I have become. Learned that I want to be a better person, someone who can freely communicate, be vulnerable, appreciative to what I have, and to hold fast to my beliefs and uphold my boundaries. I've told my WW that for us to move forward with marriage 2.0 I will need for her to learn to be more open and honest about her feelings. To take ownership of her choices and to provide some form of evidence that she is willing to actually change and not just tell me so with no action. Sadly, I don't believe she has it in her. She simply refuses to get any help or to try and learn how to initiate any form of change. She wants to rugsweep and just leave the affair behind but how can she ever foster trust without change. I am somewhat content in our current relationship but I don't feel like I'm "in love" with her anymore. I do still love her and that's why the thought of moving on is so difficult. My heart is securely protected in my hands by my head and my gut. They refuse to allow my heart to be accessed by her without significant change and time is running out. Some days I feel anger, other days it's just pure sadness and the happy days are far and few between. I too feel like I have wasted so much time waiting on something that just won't materialize. I hope that for both our sakes an answer soon arrives so we can be at peace.

I think you are putting pressure on yourself that doesn’t have to be there.

I think we all do it. But I will point it out if it helps.

It sounds to me like right now you have decided that staying married is what works for you.

I do not think it’s unfair that you do not have all the feels for him. I do think it’s a huge gift to him that you stay and let it evolve.

I think right now it’s just a hard place to be in. Being married is easier, yet you don’t have the same things to offer him or the marriage as you once did. This leads to a lot of feelings of discomfort. And guilt?

The best thing to do in my opinion is try and accept where you are completely. You did not cause this situation. It’s not your job to fix the situation. There is nothing wrong with being passive for a while, being authentic to yourself.

Life is a river, we go through lots of phases only to flow into other phases.

Change takes a long time. He very well may continue to grow into a man that you can and do respect again. And from that you may next see him with some appreciation and eventually that may lead back to love.

Or, you will get your kids raised a little further, and you will continue to grow away from him and eventually divorce.

I don’t think it’s odd you aren’t doing cartwheels about what he is doing right yet. It feels to me you have accepted the worst case scenario and are okay with it. There is nothing wrong with treading water until the tide changes and directs you in a different direction.

Are you feeling guilty towards him for doing so? Maybe unravel that if it’s what causes the pressure. He broke it, he seems committed to trying to fix it. It’s okay if you do not yet want to meet him with the same desire at this point. He made the mess, he can do the heavy lifting towards that. If or when the day comes you feel like matching his energy, then do that. If it doesn’t come, then there are answers in that too.

But for sure pressuring yourself is not going to make anything come faster. You are in this with eyes wide open which I think is unique on its own. I think if your eyes are wide open, your heart will be closed. But if those eyes witness what they really need to see, he has a chance in there. And that’s why you should not feel guilty. You are giving the chance, even if it’s with skepticism. I don’t know how someone could be cheated on and not feel skeptical of the person who did it. It’s all very natural, you just have to find a way to be okay and relax into it.

You will make a decision when it feels clearer. Dealing in unknowns is always the scariest part.

Also I should add- building the 2.0 marriage usually doesn’t come from deciding all the things you want at once. It’s a process of stumbling upon this or that and renegotiating it.

You have identified the lying needs to change. That’s a big one. And I don’t think until he does that much will move forward. Again, I think what is actually happening is you want to stay married right now for your own reasons, this is giving him an opportunity to work towards change (which does include failures). That’s a lot, that’s a huge gift. As he conquers some things others will come into focus’s I don’t think you are failing to identify anything, it’s a process of working through one thing and then moving towards another.

It’s complicated. I feel your struggle. It’s hard to not compartmentalize parts of your marriage so you can make what remains make sense. I’m not sure I am as accepting as you, but I am trying to be, so that I can move forward. I want to say though, if renovating the house makes sense and would make you happy, go for it. Whether you want to commit to long term or not, upgrading your house may be a challenging but rewarding thing to do while you figure the rest of it out. I went through my second bathroom overhaul going through Discovery and trying to stay sane, and I found the whole process to be a great distraction. It felt good to do something I was in control of, when everything else was out of control. It turned out great. Really helped the resale value too, which would have been great, no matter if we R or D.

I have had dozens of other projects I’ve done with my WH, at home, on our farm, we have added pets to the mix and carried on with life and I don’t regret the experiences or think I would have accomplished half as much without him. We are a good team, and get along great with one exception. I keep reminding myself what is still here, what we do together and for each other, and be grateful for that. I’m not sure in love feelings will ever come back like before, and they bring some sorrow with them anyway, so I focus on the kinds of love that remain. I don’t regret anything we have done, together or separately since our troubles came to light. We both have fought hard to find a way to move forward, just in different ways. So, my advice would be don’t let the A hold you back, and just let yourself explore life and see what remains of the relationship. I never pressured myself with deadlines or big decisions, instead trying to focus on each day and in time it gets easier to see what good we still brings to each other’s lives.

I’m sure it’s not really fair to him, but he knows I believe he doesn’t deserve to have me in his life, and is lucky I love him enough to stay. He knows he is a lucky man to have this life together, even though it’s a different life in many ways now. I suppose I am lucky too, in most ways. I did my time in limbo and therapy to find this path. Some days are easier than others. Good luck finding your way through and defining what you want and need from your marriage.

Coping touched on something that therapy really helped me with - healing the old wounds from my life that were holding me back from healing from this setback. Hopefully you have help getting past the old baggage to help heal from the new wounds. And hiking out is very wise. Rebuilding a life is a process and you need to be patient with yourself as you grow and change. Take care.

I guess I can’t commit fully to R until I sort these thoughts out

Here is the tough part — I couldn’t know what my marriage would look like, until I fully committed to trying R. Even if you go commit to R, there is no rule against changing your mind. D is always on the table if needed.

Any relationship in the history of relationships is in trouble if one partner has one foot out the door. Hell, I think that’s how infidelity happens half the time anyway.

I absolutely utilized the Marriage 2.0 concept to move forward at one point, but it was really a fake it until I made it move.

My marriage is all one big long messy, happy, tragic, fun, sad, crazy, silly, adventure. There is no 2.0. There is only us, warts and all.

For me, I outlined what I wanted from life, not just what I wanted to stay in the M.

I wanted a relationship where I could be all in, and my wife could be all in. If I can’t trust (enough trust, not the 100 percent blind trust stuff, that never works for anyone) and be vulnerable enough with my spouse, it’s time to not have a spouse.

At a certain point, for me, I had to let the past be the past.

I focus on the good in my wife, knowing what she was capable of and what she did. No one should ever pretend it didn’t happen. However, focusing on today is a great way to live, even if we didn’t experience the horror show of infidelity.

I echo oldwounds here too. I feel very much like he describes that process better than I do. I think a lot of the beginning of r is fake it until you make it for most of us. It takes different legs than in marriage 1.0, and so some of the growth happens as you begin to fumble around to figure it out. I tend to push towards authenticity, but authenticity often is a discovery process of trying different things to see how this or that feels.

However, I think what it’s going to take for you to fully engage in R is he has to stop lying even if it’s not infidelity related. A new marriage can only grow when reestablishing trust is the baseline. I think that last time set you back some, as it is so discouraging when the ws falls flat in their face after seeming to make some steps forward.

He is the one holding this up in my opinion. he has made progress and that has encouraged you to stay. He will have to continue to make progress and that may encourage you to move towards R.

But don’t pressure or force yourself. It sounds like you are having good moments in the marriage and that is really saying something at 18 months out.