SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I won’t rehash my story, it's in my bio. It’s sordid, and it’s bad, and the stuff I left out is even worse. And yet… I stayed. For 12 more years. To be there for the kids. So that I wouldn’t have to wake up alone on Christmas because it's not my year. For financial reasons. Because I loved my wife. Because I was afraid.

I don’t know why I stayed.

We settled. I settled. Dead bedroom, roommates, co-parents. We dealt with life; aging and dying parents, teenagers, Covid. And then… things got better. She got promoted, starting making a lot of money. Kids seemed to be thriving. She started Ozempic, lost over 100lbs. Even as a couple, things seemed to be better. We vacationed. We laughed. We made memories.

And yet…

She was traveling again, different job, different destination, but traveling again. I had no reason not to trust her, but I just didn’t feel right. "If things are good, and I feel bad, maybe I’m the problem?"

So I went to a therapist. "Talk to her," she said, "Tell her how you feel." Not a good idea, I tried to explain. She gets angry, she gets defensive. "No, no," the therapist insisted, "This is how you bond, how you build intimacy."

So I told her. I used "I statements", I didn’t accuse, I laid the burden of my feelings on myself. But I wanted her to know how I felt. So we could bond, and build intimacy. She got angry. She got defensive.

Six weeks later she asked me for a divorce. I said yes. What else was I going to say?

Two weeks after that, I discovered a remote control vibrator that she had been bringing on her trips, the kind that can be operated by anybody in the world, provided they had the link. I did not have the link. When confronted, she said it was so she could use the link using her phone, and not have to play with the buttons on the vibrator.

Two weeks after that, I discovered that she was on dating apps. "Only started after we agreed to divorce" she said.

Two weeks after that, New Years Eve (morning), she answers a text while we are lying in bed (we are still sleeping in the same bed), rolls over and says change of plans, I’m spending New Year’s with a guy (she) had met on the app. She doesn’t come home that night.

Two days later, we tell the kids (21, 18, and 15). Didn’t want to tell them before Christmas. She leaves that night, to spend the night with her "new" boyfriend. We don’t tell the kids that.

I got everything I wanted in the divorce. The kids are with me full time. I have the house, she pays me child support. We are doing well. But I feel stupid. Humiliated. We all know she was cheating on me again, though she will never admit it. I can’t talk to anybody, because I don’t want it to get back to her and ruin what is an amicable divorce. She gets angry and defensive after all. I tried therapy again, but I’ve been down this road. I know what to do. I work out. I journal. I spend time doing what I want to do. I am cheery, professional at work, I maintain my hobbies and friendships. I am a rock for my children. I remortgaged the house, handled the divorce paperwork, untangled all the mutual entanglements (she’s too busy, don’t you know). I have, if you’ll excuse my French, my shit together.

And yet… I feel like an idiot. I feel so humiliated. So embarrassed. I sit on the bathroom floor, sobbing, wallowing in self-pity. Not because the marriage is over, but because it happened AGAIN. I let it happen AGAIN. I was replaced, AGAIN. How can I be proud of myself, as a man? As a person? As somebody who should have had at least the tiniest bit of self-respect? What am I supposed to tell any potential future partner? My kids, if they ever find out? Most importantly, what do I tell myself?

I feel like an idiot.

[This message edited by Montreal at 10:53 PM, Thursday, May 29th]

Oh Montreal, my heart just aches for you and for all of us. I guarantee, no matter what our individual circumstances, we have all felt like a fool, like an idiot, like how could we have been so stupid to have blind trust like that? To be totally blindsided because we never in a million years thought the one we gave our heart and soul to would ever do that to us. How could we not have seen the signs, how could we not have known? Why weren’t we enough for them? What’s wrong with us? How could they do this to us and how can we ever trust anyone or anything again? The list goes on and on but I know we are not alone in feeling this way. The fact is, they are the foolish ones. They took something precious and threw it away like it was trash. That is not on you, it is on her. Whatever the problems might (or might not) have been in your marriage before, instead of facing up to it and trying to work it out, or being honest with their feelings, they made the choice to satisfy their selfish needs with no thought to the consequences. Please do not for one second think this was about something wrong with you. It is completely about what is wrong with her. You chose forgiveness and grace and a second chance, and she chose to throw that away. Don’t let her poor choices affect your self-worth. As my IC is always telling me—be kind to yourself. You are going through a huge trauma and you need self-compassion to heal. You are not alone and I tjink you should confide in anyone that you want. The time to have concern for her feelings in all this is over; she has not shown the same for you. Take care—a lot of wise people on here will give you good advice. I am only 7 months out so kind of a newbie but I feel like it’s been forever. It does get better with time, just not as fast as I would like. Hang in there and know we are pulling for you.

Please pay close attention to this. She would have cheated on anybody. From what you have written she might not have the ability to love. There is no way I would give up being the primary parent for my children and yet she did. This is who she is. This is what she does. You are not an idiot. You are a husband and a parent who assumed your wife loved the four of you. It was never you. It was always her inability to bond.

So sorry that you're back - it is devastating. Are you still in IC? I would encourage you to go. My self-esteem was in the toilet after both ddays.

There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that may be new since you were here last time. Also, I've recently bumped some that aren't pinned and are marked with bull's eye icons that are good resources.

I'm so sorry that she has done this again and wasn't willing to do the work to be a safe partner.

I got everything I wanted in the divorce. The kids are with me full time. I have the house, she pays me child support. We are doing well. But I feel stupid. Humiliated. We all know she was cheating on me again, though she will never admit it.

You need to reframe this. You got away from an unfaithful spouse, and kept the house and kids, and are receiving child support. Yes it was 12 years later than it could have been, but that's still a win. She never deserved you. You gave her a second chance she didn't deserve and she f'd that up also. Always remember you were the prize. Not her.

Thank you for the replies. I will try to take them to heart. But it's hard. I know the words, I know the speech; it's not me it's her, I'm the prize, I deserve better... I've probably offered the very same advice on this very site all those years ago.

But words are words and feelings are feelings and I don't like these feelings. I feel terrible. So, so humiliated. Again.

Pride can be both a wonderful and a terrible thing.

[This message edited by Montreal at 4:51 AM, Friday, May 30th]

Past is the past. A harsh truth.

Mourn. Process then use the freedom you now have to make yourself happy.

For every shit thing she did, do something good for yourself.

It's a cliche but hit the gym, take out any frustrations on physical work and start using those endorphins.

Freedom man. Sweet freedom from her bs. You've earned it. Now enjoy it

"You chose forgiveness and grace and a second chance, and she chose to throw that away. Don’t let her poor choices affect your self-worth. As my IC is always telling me—be kind to yourself. You are going through a huge trauma and you need self-compassion to heal."

What altered said ^^

Also if you saw many of your fellow bs on the street you would likely say to yourself if you did not know our stories things like

"What a lovely faithful wife"
Or "that dad really loves his children"
Or "they work so hard"
Or "that (man/woman) is so fortunate to have a spouse like that

Beautiful, handsome, faithful, empathetic, giving, caring, hard working, successful, compassionate, worthy people get cheated on EVERY SINGLE DAY

AND IT DOES NOT MAKE THEM ANY LESS
beautiful, handsome, faithful ……

I would never just walk away from my children to frolic in the forest of "perfect wuv" or whatever the (insert your favorite explorative) unrepentant waywards are chasing. That alone says all I need to know about someone’s character.

I have been on these boards recovering from infidelity for far too long now. And the (again insert your favorite explicative) that cheater pull still stuns me.

What did I tell my now fiance? After a period of time I have told him more and more of the absolute complex ptsd inducing story of my life with my abusive exwh. There are still things I don’t share. I likely should have talked with a therapist more about how one talks about this sort or hellscape with a prospective partner. But it probably helped that F is a former betrayed spouse.

Many of us look back and think to ourselves "how could I have been so stupid". The truth for me is that I had no frame of reference for exactly what exwh is capable of because I just don’t think the way he does. That put me at a distinct disadvantage at the time. But in life once I had a chance to process what happened, I am certain that my integrity, decency, fidelity and other positive traits will benefit me far beyond what anything I could have experienced or attained with exwh.

I just feel so… weak. I grew up in the "be a man" era, and I really don’t feel like much of a man these days. Sure, the first time it happened, that’s on her. But "fool me once…"

How do I accept that I accepted the unacceptable? How do I look in the mirror and think "that’s the kind of person I want my kids to be?" How do I look in the mirror and think "this is the kind of person I want to be?" You’re right, I can’t change the past. I have to live with that. I have to live with the fact that I stayed with a cheater, until she cheated again. And, god help me, a part of me still believes, wants to believe, that maybe she is telling the truth. Maybe the vibrator really was for herself and herself alone, maybe she really did wait until we agreed to divorce before hitting the dating apps, maybe she is telling the truth when she said she wasn’t expecting to find anybody but to her surprise she did. Maybe I should be happy for her that she "finally found somebody she can really connect with." How sad is that?

And now she’s living her dream life, with a hot new body, a hot new boyfriend, a fancy car, dream job, all the time in the world to do whatever she wants. She sees the kids once a week or so, keeps in touch through text otherwise, and that seems to be good enough for everybody but me. Everybody seems to be so happy for her. She seems so happy. And I have a hard time shaving because I can’t look in the mirror. Of course she left you, that nagging little voice tells me, of course she cheated on you with a real man, look at who you are.

I know the words. Character, integrity, not a reflection of who you are, I get it. Like I said, not my first rodeo. I’ve read the books, hit the gym, raged into my notebook, re-arranged my house, filled my gratitude journal. I’m a good man. A good father. I’m fit and athletic, I have a large circle of good friends, I get paid a lot to do relatively little, I’m kind and funny, and while I’m no stunner small children don’t run from me in the streets either. I know the words. I know what I should know. I know that I should be happy, thankful even.

And yet, if I tell my life story to myself, I can’t help but think "Bro… that’s pretty pathetic."

I don’t know if there is an answer. I don’t even really know why I’m back here, or what I’m expecting to get from here. Maybe I’m just venting. Maybe I just want to share with people who know what I’m feeling. Maybe I just want to continue to wallow in self-pity.

This stuff really sucks.

[This message edited by Montreal at 3:21 PM, Friday, May 30th]

And now she’s living her dream life, with a hot new body, a hot new boyfriend, a fancy car, dream job, all the time in the world to do whatever she wants. She sees the kids once a week or so, keeps in touch through text otherwise, and that seems to be good enough for everybody but me.

Your kids are pretty grown-up...
If that’s your definition of a "dream life" then why don’t you go for it too?
Why not get a hair-implant. Why not forget meals for the kids and spend your time at the gym – with a personal trainer and some steroids you can get decent guns in a month. Why not get a surgically enhanced six-pack? Or have the surgeon suck away that daddy-bod fat. Get some tribal tattoos, and maybe your ass bleached... Lease a sportscar. Hit the clubs. Pretend to enjoy today’s techno-music...
Ignore your kids, ignore your values. Values only hold you back.
I can more-or-less promise you that if you set your goals low enough you can have a girl half your age with more botox than braincells in your arms within a month.

Honestly – if you ever think of what sort of woman you might want in your life – Is her being technically savvy enough to allow remote online orgasm-control a big factor?

Frankly – seeing as how she has been ignoring what makes life worth living – kids and family – I don’t think her shallow-sounding life is really that good.

Easy to say – hard to do. But let her go.
It’s something I learned years ago (but then I have had years to learn it...):
My exes happiness or unhappiness does not impact how I feel or am doing.

Finally – When the time comes to be judged I would prefer all day to be told I was maybe a bit too meek, a bit too trusting, a bit too believing than to be told I was egocentric, disrespectful and shallow.

I am sorry to read this thread. But here’s my 2 cents (fwiw).

You think she’s happy. She appears to be happy. But only people who are missing a gene or some kind of moral code thinks it’s "ok" to see the kids 1x each week.

You are measuring your self worth against someone who is much less than what they pretend to be.

I know you have heard all the advice before. It’s not helping you but yet you fail to look in the mirror and say to yourself "I am not going to let HER actions or opinions control my life".

Anyone who doesn’t put their kids first doesn’t deserve the respect you give her.

When my H was kicking me to the curb during his midlife crisis affair — I always acted with my kids in mind. I tried everything possible to reconcile but it wasn’t working b/c he was still cheating.

Even when I told him I was D him because he left me w/ no other choice, it broke my heart. But it didn’t upset him as much b/c his mind was on the OW and living the "single life". I felt my children deserved a happy mom who cared about them and was not stressed and crying (like the past 6 months). They were going to have to know why we were D but I was even willing to minimize that.

But your comment that she’s living the good life is not correct (imo). She’s always going to be the parent that abandoned her kids selfishly for her own needs. And I wonder what she’s going to tell herself when she’s 70 or 80 and her kids don’t make time for her or make her needs their priority.

I have happily reconciled w/ my H. But I will never forget his affair fog and selfishness in wanting to kick me (and the kids) to the curb during his affair.

I hope this helps you reframe the voice in your head that says "you’re the idiot". You are not and never were. You are letting yourself be judged by someone who has serious character flaws.

And btw you state she appears to be happy. Huh!!! Don’t let appearances fool you. Travel & cars & clothes could be a cover up for her unhappiness.

You don’t know what goes on behind closed door. And it’s possible her "new guy" is after her $ or beats her or is a raging alcoholic narcissist. Stop believing in outward appearances.

Be proud you are raising your kids with a different set of morals. As in you don’t up & cheat and abandon your family for that shiny new toy.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:47 PM, Friday, May 30th]

It sounds to me like by staying you protected your kids. They were younger then. Judging by what your ex is doing now, If you had divorced then, who knows what kind of trash she would have brought around them? Now that they are older, they can each see and understand what kind of person she is.

Really great point ohitsyou.

"And yet… I feel like an idiot. I feel so humiliated. So embarrassed. "

This is not how I read your story. I see you as a man of bravery and action.

You confronted her, six weeks later she asks for a divorce and instead of doing the "pick me" dance, you go for it.

You work out, journal, spend time doing what you want to do, et cetera.

Maybe there are some details where you think you could have handled it better, but don't be a perfectionist.

From where I sit, you did really well.

No one can tell you how to feel. You feel humiliation because your wife chose to replace you with another guy and then did it again. Ok. I get it. I felt humiliation when I realized that I had been demoted in her mind. Still do sometimes. Lots of posters have given you good reasons to be proud of your behavior. Personally, I admire your honorable behavior in putting your children’s needs ahead of your own. But, that fact hasn’t assuaged your wounded self-image, you still feel inferior, less of a man. What would make you feel more manly? Seeking vengeance? I confess that if I found an old oil lamp in the attic and coaxed a genie out, one of my three wishes would be that my wife’s AP challenge me to a fist fight complete with signed liability waivers. Kicking his ass would in fact make me feel less humiliated. I know. This is barbaric, real knuckle dragger thinking, and I reject it intellectually. But, like I said. No one can tell you how to feel. It is firmly in the reptilian part of my brain. I don’t do it because I am not about to go to jail and possibly open the door to AP becoming stepfather to my kids and grands. So, can’t advise you to kick butt. Let me suggest a better way to get revenge and restore your manly pride. The best revenge is to live well. Get back in harness and find a woman who appreciates you. This time find one with good character. You have lots of good qualities. You have a good job. You have a house. You care for your kids. You are fit and athletic. You write well, so you are intellectually strong. You are self-effacing and you are willing to admit to your weaknesses. Simply put, the cure to rejection is acceptance. Go put yourself in position to get some acceptance. Happy hunting. There is a fabulous woman out there looking for an honorable well adjusted guy like you.

Oh, and one more thing. Blow up the affair. Let her feel some deserved humiliation. Once it is out there, you will have eliminated a reason to hide and feel shame. Lance that boil and start living for you again. Everyone here is pulling for you.

Montreal,

If I was taking a guess, I would say that, looking back through it all, fear was a large reason that you stayed. All of the other reasons....kids, finances, familiarity....are ones that are *acceptable* to you. But the fear was NOT a good reason to stay, yet it was a driving factor.

So you stayed, because of all the above reasons, and she still left you. Your current self is telling your former self to have 'manned-up', and because you didn't, you are where you are today.

If I'm off base, disregard this in its entirety. But if not, you know that the only person who is going to pull yourself out of this is you. You have to change the narrative, because, reality is, your *weakness * really isn't as prevalent as it seems. It feels like it is, and it's not something to be proud of, but it's not something to shame yourself over either. It is, to sound cliché, a life lesson. No comeuppance for your wife. A divorce you didn't want, her perceived happiness contrasted to your misery with no real justice. It's time to start putting that shit behind you. You never had to do the 50 percent kid time, so you'll never know how much it may have sucked. I'm not even talking about nobility of staying for the kids. I'm saying you enjoyed their upbringing 100 percent of the time. There's hundreds of other things that you didn't miss out on, and it wasn't necessarily torture the whole way through. Yeah, you stayed for some of the wrong reasons, but a lot of positive came out of it.

You know it. You just have to start realizing that even if fear played a huge role, and you *crapped out* at the end, it doesn't have to drown out the good stuff. Easier said than done, but still the truth.

I don’t deny your pain. You feel rejected. That hurts.

But you were rejected by a shallow cheater. Doesn’t mean you didn’t love her. In fact that’s probably partly why you stayed (along with for the kids). And that’s why I’d rather be you than her any day of the week.

You are a genuine person with love in your heart. You can never regret that. You are a strong person with strong values and convictions. She is none of that. Nor is anyone what agrees with what she did.

So it’s ok to feel the pin of rejection even if in the end she’s a trash person who wasn’t actually worth it.

But it’s not ok to move on at the same time. To work on you and find what or who makes you happy going forward.

There are something like 4 billion women in the world. I assume you she’s in the bottom 10% of them at best in terms of being good empathetic caring people.

So go find a top 10 percenter. You have 400 million to choose from so the pool is fairly large I would say! 😀

Oh yeah and the same goes for the friends who took her side. Replace them. They are not worth the real estate they are taking up in your head!

[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:08 AM, Saturday, May 31st]