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7 months out from d day. Both in IC, we tried CC and found she wasn’t ready to do anything remotely like avoiding Gotman’s 4 horseman so it seemed we weren’t ready for CC. I appear to fit the description of SA so I’ve been doing work and reading about it. I’ve also been doing a bit of IFS work though not with my IC. BS has been very vocal that she finds both IFS therapy as well as SA to be excuses. I don’t offer them as excuses as nothing can excuse my behavior. I cheated, lied, masturbated to porn, and spoke badly about her online. Although we seem to have good days and bad the good days always turn bad if she asks me "why" and I explain that a child that was me a long time ago discovered sex and porn and used them both to "help" with an abusive family life and now adult me so many years later still tries to use sex and porn to cope with triggering emotions. So here’s the question, is sex addiction an excuse? Does Internal Family Systems Therapy discussing my parts become an excuse? In no way do I try and duck accountability for any of my actions. I did those awful things and I am paying the price. No amount of abuse makes any of my actions not my fault. Suggestions? Am I making excuses in your opinion?

A bit of back story, her father was a BH and a repeat offender at that. He was the first of many men that abandoned her. Her longest relationship before me cheated as well before proposing then breaking up with her the next day. She has a history of depression that I’ve revived in a big way as I was the redeeming member of my gender. Men are now all bad excluding our 9yo.

Thanks for reading.

[This message edited by Regretfulbetrayer at 6:33 AM, Tuesday, October 14th]

No stop sign so I'll respond.

My WW is doing IFS with her IC and I have to be honest I have some reservations about it as well.

She describes how during the affair when she was acting out (read betraying me) that another part of her would take control. She described it like she was in the back seat of the car while this other part is driving. This other part was taking control in order to protect her.

I get that we all have different aspects of ourselves. Kind of like different modes. But in the end, no matter how many parts are inside us, on the outside we are still one individual who is responsible for our actions.

In her case, and probably most cases, the parts that "took over" would have had to be present constantly, not just while acting out. She knew the entire time (a year+) what she was doing and kept lying and concealing, and planning her next meeting with him.

These are deliberate choices.

It looks to me like IFS naturally helps deflect blame or responsibility off of her deliberate choices. I could be wrong, and im sure thats not her, or your, conscious goal. But that's how it looks from here.

You need to change into a safe partner, as does my wife. In order to believe that, we BSs have to believe WSs are taking FULL responsibility for your actions and doing the hard work necessary to address the core reasons those choices seemed like good choices. We aren't going to feel like that while there is anything else the affair is being blamed on. Be it the state of the marriage, unmet needs, or internal parts of the WS that made or contributed to these actions.

Imagine how hard it is for a BS to feel safe when at any time, an internal part of the WS could surface, take control, and hard core betray them.

If you are taking responsibility, getting down to the nitty gritty with your true why's, and doing IFS as a means of correcting the issues that allowed you to choose infidelity, in an effort to prevent future infidelity... I don't see how that can be seen as an excuse. I would assume you are taking accountability and doing the hard work to change yourself and repair the damage you've done.

What would your BW rather you do and say instead? Maybe you should just continue and keep your therapy journey to yourself, if she doesn't understand.