SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I’ve been poking around this website and have found a lot of the posts to be helpful, the posters insightful, some of the situations described heartbreaking, and the outcomes commendable. I find myself looking for old posts from people deep in despair, struggling, and I hope to follow them through their own reconciliation, knowing it won’t work out for everyone.

I cheated on my husband with a coworker. I am the cliche from the "Not ‘Just Friends’" book - thought we were close friends, became emotionally attached in Spring 2025, led to something physical, and it only ended when my BH went through my phone on 17 Oct. I went no contact with my AP immediately (but for an occasion when my BH got us on a conference call). I have had zero regrets and no pangs of grief from ending this affair. I never had an exit strategy and this revelation truthfully has provided some relief, though I know it’s the most painful option for my BH. It took a few days of me trying to damage control and lie - no we never kissed, no we didn’t have sex - before it all came out. After that he had the full story, but I waited for him to ask for details. So within the past few weeks, I gave him my credit card statements. He asked for days off from work I took to spend with the AP. So I have (selfishly, probably) let him lead the level of detail we get into. He also has a copy of my texts with AP, so he has been piecing together a timeline, and I’ve been answering questions he has truthfully. A lot of them I want to be able to justify, defend, but I go quiet, because, Jesus, what justification could I have? I respond, but even saying sorry seems foolishly optimistic. I am not a child, nor is BH. The magic word won’t cure us.

I’ve identified a lot with the WS posts about shame - as a serial people pleaser, avoidant, expert compartmentalizer, I want to run away or ignore my marriage problems, my BH’s devastation that I am solely responsible for, and pretend like it’s good. But that’s partially what led me to this disaster. I cannot compartmentalize, because I have to process it and learn from it, and I have to be there for my partner.

Where I am struggling (among ALL the struggles, but where I’m hoping to find relief here) - and I recognize my hurt pales to my BH’s - I have no one to talk to. He can vent to friends, to family, and have support. I can tell this has been helpful because he is capable of rational discussions amongst the hurt and disbelief and betrayal. I also know they all want him to leave me, which is absolutely understandable. He hasn’t left yet! A reality I am grateful for every. Minute. However, no one wants to support a cheater. Society’s pretty clear on that. Not that I blame anyone for that opinion. My family are avoidant like me, and I truthfully have no friends who would want to hear any of this. I see a therapist weekly, we go to MC, too. So. I’m here. I’m here to find a place to connect, to put some feelings when I have no other outlet, for people who might listen. Because I can’t carry all the vitriol coming from my partner without sinking into the feeling like I need this punishment. But that doesn’t help him. As this website reminded me, you can’t pour from an empty cup. And if I have any hope to reconcile, I have to stay present without falling apart.

Anyway. Thanks for listening.

My DDay is pretty fresh also. I definitely identify with both the feelings of shame and not having people to talk with. My wife has been beyond anything I could have hoped for and we talk often; however, that is not the same as having someone to talk with about things that I am feeling that do not fit into the discussions with my wife. I am in IC and that helps, but my therapist is always encouraging me to talk with someone else. Unfortunately I do not have any family that would make sense and do not think any of my friends would be helpful. I have found the support on this site invaluable. So many wise people who have walked the same path and when things feel hopeless I can draw on their experience. I spent the initial weeks after DDay wanting to crawl into a hole every time my wife and I talked. The other night we had a pretty emotional talk and although it was super uncomfortable for me as someone who has avoided hard conversations my entire life, I remember thinking at the end that although I was sad and angry with myself that I did not feel the overwhelming shame. My wife has been clear that she needs me to show up rather than shame spiral and that has been a big part of my work in IC (in addition to doing the hard work to understand why I made such self-destructive choices). Definitely would recommend continuing to post as it has definitely helped me.

Thanks. I have read your posts and have definitely related to you. I’ve figured out at least part of what’s missing in me, what led me to make these destructive choices time and time again, is that I’ve never loved myself, allowed myself to be anything less than appear perfect. And I need to fix that if I am to have any hope of rebuilding a new marriage with my BH. And how am I supposed to that now, knowing what destruction I have brought on, unforced? I want him to love me again, and I can’t even do that for myself.

Thanks for the encouragement, feelingverylow. I hope to find the same thing you seek: understanding as we search for the path forward.

How often do you go to IC? Have you found any "homework" to be particularly helpful? I am also struggling with not doing enough - if I’m working at my job, if I’m searching/applying for another job (my AP and I still work at the same place, but would have to go out of our way to see each other, which we DON’T). Heck, even showering or going for a walk feels like avoidance. I want to be with my BH all the time. To be there for him. To be there for myself. Penance. Peace. Reassurance. To be yelled at. To answer questions. To sit. It doesn’t help that we have two little kids that need lots of love and attention. I know time is king here, but I want to be able to have answers for my BH when he asks me - why did you, how could you, I cannot believe you did this…

Hi MelindaMae,
Welcome to SI. This place helped me so much and I hope it can help you too. This statement

I’ve never loved myself, allowed myself to be anything less than appear perfect.

really stood out to me because I could have written it when I first showed up here. (Actually I wasn't brave enough to post until many months after I joined so props for your courage!)

I would like to encourage you generally to keep reading and posting and specifically to explore the work of Brene Brown dealing with shame and vulnerability. Her work was a game changer for me, in that not only did reading her book "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't)" make me realize that I wasn't alone in what I was trying to figure out but that someone else had already thought about it really hard and laid out a pathway to change the way I related to myself and other people. Her book "The Gifts of Imperfection" is an expansion and refinement of the original work and I think it has continued to be updated as her research has gone on. For figuring out where I was and where I wanted to go, it was the most important book I read.

I would also like to encourage you to develop some tools for dealing with crummy feelings. This statement

as a serial people pleaser, avoidant, expert compartmentalizer, I want to run away or ignore my marriage problems, my BH’s devastation that I am solely responsible for, and pretend like it’s good. But that’s partially what led me to this disaster. I cannot compartmentalize, because I have to process it and learn from it, and I have to be there for my partner.

shows some decent self-awareness that the coping mechanisms that got you here won't serve you in this endeavor. You need some new ones. A mindfulness practice that is based on daily meditation helped me immeasurably. There's a lot of info out there but I'll tell you which ones I have found helpful. Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart" is a good starting point. Pay special attention to the idea of "maitre" which is an unconditional friendliness toward one's self. Also, "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. If you don't have any experience with meditation or mindfulness they might seem kind of crystal-crunchy but try to put aside any skepticism and just try it. If you practice consistently every day, you'll see the benefit.

Finally, don't underestimate the timeline for healing, both for you and your BS and marriage. 2-5 years is the conventional wisdom around here but for us it was more like 6-8. The process was much slowed by me taking a while to really start to "get it" which involved me being able to really drop my shields. That's why the vulnerability work is so important. Healing will require you to drop your defenses and get curious. Curiosity is your friend from here on out.

Hang in there and keep reading and posting. Know that around holidays things can get a bit slow as far as responses because people are so busy but don't take that as a lack of interest. Keep reading, keep asking questions and if you can respond to the questions people ask you for clarification.

You're at the start of a path that's hella hard but it is hella rewarding to do this work. It will improve every relationship you will ever be in for the rest of your life, including, especially the one you have with yourself.

Proceed with conviction and valor. Welcome again from this fellow EvolvingSoul.

Thanks for your kind encouragement, EvolvingSoul. I’ve already found the audio versions of the books you recommended for the holiday week. Sound, practical, actionable advice is something I’m looking for, while of course logically knowing time is the ultimate bringer of peace.

I’m already grateful to this community.

You have no control over his decision to reconcile or the influence his friends and family exert concerning divorce. Your sole domain of control is your own self.

​Begin working tirelessly, with full commitment, on becoming the kind of person who would never betray their partner. This dedication serves a dual purpose:

​If reconciliation is possible, these new habits will be the tools you use to guarantee you never break his heart again.

​If you are not given that chance, these foundational changes will be vital for establishing successful future relationships.

​I strongly recommend you try to set aside any resentment that may arise toward those who may be encouraging him to divorce. Their advice is natural; if he were my close friend or brother, I would likely advise the same. It is a natural response for anyone listening to a someone vent about infidelity.

​Given that the outcome is outside your control, you must prepare for either eventuality. I suggest you spend time defining what your life would look like post-divorce. Considering the statistics, it is a highly probable outcome, and having a plan is essential should this house of cards fall.

​Beyond that, just know that you have been heard

Time, time, time.

Patience.

It’s going to take longer than you want.

A lot longer.

Best wishes.

Thanks for responding, Dr. Soolers. I completely understand why BH is getting the advice he is, and he frequently asks me to put myself in his shoes. It’s impossible for me to argue that I wouldn’t seriously consider walking out, and I know my entire family would support that. I don’t blame his support system for supporting him; I’m glad he has it. I am trying to carry the burden of his pain, that I’ve inflicted, by facing him and my absolutely shameful and selfish decisions, by not descending into shame. But he needs more than me. A hard truth for me to admit.

I am fully invested in reconciliation to the point of bettering myself - it’s a struggle knowing I NEED to focus on being a better partner for him and myself when it can feel easier to ask for punishment, because it’s what someone who upends the reality of the one they love the most deserves. I appreciate the reminder that I need to do this regardless, and a possible outcome is that BH sees repair, and leans in. And a possible outcome is that he doesn’t.

My situation is a bit different in that my wife was all in on reconciliation from the jump. Knowing that might not work out resulted in me being guarded as I typically jump to worst case scenarios (likely part of trauma from my childhood) so I had difficulty believing her. Does not help when you have lots of self-loathing and do not love yourself as I had difficulty understanding why she would even want to be with me. I asked on more than one occasion that question. I am super fortunate that my wife sees things in me that I have difficulty seeing.

I finally decided that I was going all in even if things did not work out. Would break me, but the thought of not successfully reconciling because I could not get out of my own way was enough to get me in a better mindset.

I have difficulty putting myself in the mindset of a betrayed spouse. I have to think the first several months are full of nonlinear thoughts and feelings that are often in conflict. I have always been avoidant and work in IC has included helping me face hard issues (both personal as well as the damage I have done).I go weekly to IC as does my wife. I also have found chatgpt to be pretty helpful.

Definitely feel for you. My wife has often said she does not know what she would have done had the affair being discovered in real time. We had very young children at the time and I am sure processing with that dynamic is difficult. I do think getting more separation from the AP would help. Hard in this job market to find a comparable job with the stability of a place you have worked for a while so maybe ensuring you do not cross paths is the best you can do right now.

I keep reminding myself we are so early in the journey. I am always looking for ways to accelerate the healing, but do not think they exist. Most stories I read where people try to short circuit the process result in rug sweeping and eventually having to come back to the unresolved pain. Definitely sucks and I have many days that feel hopeless, but have an increasingly number of days that feel hopeful. Wishing you the best and will look for your updates.

Hi MelindaMae.

No stop sign.

As a BH, I have much empathy for your BH. There is nothing like getting slugged on the head with the club of marital treason. I hope hes getting good counsel and is inching forward in his healing journey.

I used to be pretty tough on WS's but have mellowed over the years imo (some may take ought with that statement, but I think that I have).

One of the things I look for in a wayward's post is the "A" word. That being accountability. I do see a measure of accountability in your words that go past taking responsibility, but, might there be a significant need for further growth here? I think its a worthy question and Id encourage you to dig into the concept of the "accountability ladder" (you may have done so alresdy and if so, please excuse the redundancy). A cursory overview of this idea is as follows (very easy to google):

Five levels (focus on receptiveness):
• Level 1: Resistance: Actively avoiding accountability and requiring constant external oversight.
• Level 2: Dependent: Performing consistently only when under direct supervision or when immediate consequences are present.
• Level 3: Responsive: Willing to accept external accountability and perform well when clear structures are in place.
• Level 4: Inviting Accountability: Proactively seeking accountability as a way to grow and improve performance.
• Level 5: Ownership: Internalizing accountability as a personal standard, making external oversight unnecessary.

As you assess yourself and whether you can be a safe partner for your BH or anyone else for that matter, review the accountability ladder and be as honest with yourself as possible.

I affirm you posting here and hope you'll continue.

No stop sign.

I am a betrayed spouse. There has been nothing more hurtful in my life than what happened to me. But I am healing, WE are healing. Just a few thoughts....

You are precious.

You are made in God's image.

Jesus came to forgive and save and change us. We ALL need that. We just don't all fall the same way.

You can make amends, and if you want your marriage to prosper, you must make amends.

Jesus is so well suited for this betrayal. He can forgive you and make you new and comfort you...while at exact same time....be comforting your husband and understanding his deep trauma. He can heal you both at the exact same time.

Not all shame is bad, please don't toss it all aside. Shame teaches us. Only do this, keep in mind you are precious, but you did a henous thing. You believed a lie and were selfish. But that is not your whole person. You also can make loving good choices. Do them consistently.

Choose your husband. Moment by moment. The entire affair consisted of countless...countless....incidents where you did NOT choose your husband. Now....choose him.

As odd as it may sound, although you cannot change the past, you CAN reclaim it. You can learn to truly hate what you did. You can and hopefully will be literally sick about what happened, and at same moment hunger for your husband more than you ever did.

Do NOT become avoidant. Stay with him. Pursue him. When you feel like hiding, go to him.

Choose him.

I know you have things you need to heal and straighten out in yourself, but please hear me closely, I firmly believe in most cases, this can happen AS YOU HELP YOUR HUSBAND HEAL.

Choose him.

Your situation is VERY fresh and you have a long, long road ahead of you. His brain is on fire and his heart is shattered. What he thought was his safe place, he found to be his torture chamber of lies. Make that right. Be his safe space. Consider his heart.

Choose him.

You are precious, you are loved. Learn to be virtuous. Learn the depths of that. Seek God continually.

Practical recommendations. Make sure therapy you guys get is a from a true Betrayal Trauma Therapist....not a normal counselor.

Read book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald.

Go to YouTube and search Dr. Jake Porter. His content will be of extreme value. I firmly believe in his "Couples Centered Recovery Model". This helps you come out of this with a "Common Story" instead of two different stories which happens when couples each "try to heal themselves independently, then come back together".

Keep talking to him. Ask to know his heart.

Choose him.

I highly suggest that the spouse of your AP be informed if they have not been already. That will go a long, long way is helping the recovery effort.

You are precious, You are loved. Choose your husband...love him.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 8:17 PM, Sunday, November 23rd]

One thing stood out for me. You said HE is piecing together a timeline. Why are you not doing that for him? You have much more knowledge that’s in your head than he ever could have with just the info he has access to. You should be writing out as detailed of a timeline as he wants. Then offering a polygraph to verify that it is the truth.

Thanks for responding, DobleTraicion. I hadn't heard of the Accountability Ladder as a full concept, but having familiarized myself with it now - I can see areas where I need to grow, I am not at the highest rung yet. I'm going to bring it up with my IC this week as it seems like a really useful framework for understanding the depth of my actions and how they impact my BH.