SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm hating myself today. I am in this limbo. We are working on reconciliation. Wife is doing everything I've asked of her. It feels like we are getting closer and healing is taking place. We are going to couples counseling with an infidelity specialist and I am going to a separate individual counselor for the same thing. She starts her IC soon. We have improved communication drastically even before starting counseling.

Today I started off good, but started thinking about things and this limbo now has me down. I've tried to push it off to think about later but it keeps coming back. There is so much conflicting information out there about what to do and what not to do, when to do it and when not to do it. I don't know what to do. It feels good to be with her and I love her, but on the other hand I worry if I'm wasting my time and should just get on with moving on.

I'm suffering at work, my production sucks. I try to focus and I just can't. I don't have anyone I can talk to. This sucks and just stresses me out more. I'm behind on important stuff. I just wanting to give up.

TP,
Posting your thoughts here is healthy and will help you process everything in the long run. You're not alone, and you have a whole community of support here. The library tab at the top of the page has some good material on managing your emotions when they get too painful.
Also consider reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. It's a bit on the self-help-y side, but offers real insight on managing painful ruminations.
You're on this train for a long time. Once you begin to see some relief, you should look hard at whether you want to stay in the marriage or reconcile. Only you can decide that. But you don't have to lock yourself into a commitment one way or another just yet. Take time to heal...as much as necessary.
Stay strong.

I agree fully with 1994. You are in a tough stage that nearly all of us are familiar with. My suggestion is to not make a sudden, huge move. Divorce, reconciliation, are both legitimate directions to take depending on what, 1st you want, 2nd what your spouse wants. Either way, there is no easy way through this terrible time. It is good you are here and talking.

Asterisk

I chose limbo for a while. It's ok to choose limbo. Would it be better to have a certain direction? Sure. Is sitting on the fence uncomfortable? Yes. Is it maybe comfortable enough that you want to be up there for a while and look at either side? Maybe.

Give yourself a break for the most part. Remember to take care of yourself. Maybe focus a little on your work productivity and less on your relationship (which I know is difficult to do). My work definitely suffered at the time.

Sorry you are going through this, but you are the one there on the ground, and whatever is working for you day by day is good enough for now.

Today I started off good, but started thinking about things...

Yup. That gets me every time. Everything seems cool, then I start thinking about things. Rumination sucks, but it's something I think we all go through in this situation. Just know that better days are ahead. As more time passes those intrusive thoughts do begin to diminish. All you can do is feel what you feel, roll with the punches as best as you can, maybe start a thread here, get some feedback and it'll pass. I know posting here has helped me a lot.

Is there something in particular stuck in your craw today? Whatever it is, someone here has likely gone through it, too. Sometimes just giving it some air and receiving a little feedback helps.

[This message edited by Pogre at 7:44 PM, Tuesday, November 25th]

Posting on here has helped me every time so far. I went from borderline tears in my office and wishing I wasn't alive with it spiraling fast, to now ok.

Most of the intrusive thoughts and rumination I have gotten through and haven't had an issue since, but there are just 3 things left that keep bugging me:

1. Did they have sex? Totality of the circumstance and my gut feeling is yes. But she insists no. I have not brought it up again but plan on doing so I'm a way my IC helped come up with. The thought of it happening itself doesn't seem to be bothering me as much as the nagging feeling of this just isn't adding up.

2. Have they had further contact? This one isn't so bad. I'm fairly certain they haven't but every now and then I question if I'm being played but it's usually without any sort of tangible evidence or reason.

3. Do I tell AP's wife? I'm so sick with myself for having not done it immediately. IC is telling me to hold off until we meet again to decide what to do. But advice here and other places is to do it now.

#3 is where I started, then work is sitting right here in front of me. Im super behind on important stuff but I can't get my mind off one of the 3, specifically #3 today. Since I can't get my mind off it, I can't stay focused long enough to play catch up and I get more behind which adds to the already high pressure. Then my mind starts darting around to other stuff and before I know it I'm in a spiral I'm trying to escape.

Friend, totally normal what you are going through. Your mind both conscious and subconscious are trying to rewrite your story....your reality. It will take lots of time. I remember the unproductivity, it was horrible. Just keep pressing along. I would ask God to help and He showed up.

The #3 question. I really think you should do it ASAP. Then it is done and the other spouse starts her journey to reality and gives her agency. Besides that, telling her may get you answers to your other two questions. I have read this happens many times.

You can do this. May God guide you.🙏💯

Work suffered for me too for a long time. The brain only has a finite amount of capacity and dealing with betrayal takes up a lot of it. Do your best to tread water, don’t hold yourself to your highest standard for now.

Regarding question 1: polygraph seems like a good path. Just the threat of one took my ex from "accidentally one time" to admitting LTA. Whether or not you believe in the test itself, the fear of it seems to shake a lot out of many waywards.

Regarding question 3: what is your hesitancy? Sorry if that is answered in a different thread.

TP, you need to compartmentalize. There are certain things you need to do each day. Since you are concerned about work…do you have any vacation time available? If so, take it. This gives you time to get your nutrition needs set. If you need help with meds for anxiety this is the time to see a dr. If you feel the need for info see an atty. And you need to figure out how to get decent sleep. A dr can set you up a few months to get you out of this fight or flight mood you are dealing with. Then you need to make a list of what MUST be done. I assume your job is in the top three. What is the moist important thing on the list about the job. Do that first. Do NOT keep looking at the big picture that is your life right now. Put on blinders and focus on the number one at work. When done look at the next. Trying to corral all the out of control thoughts you are having means your brain is looping around and around and it’s exhausting.
So get to the dr first. Get that overwhelming anxiety under control. Your body needs to slow down, calm down, and breathe.
Get outside every day. Do some sort of exercise every day with a short walk around the block. Get sunshine on your face. Look after your health. It is the most important thing to do.

I will work on better compartmentalization. I need to get my mind right I guess.

Yes, I have lots of vacation time built up. I feel like I just need to go out in the woods by myself for like a week to pray and think.

I've been pretty good on eating healthy and drinking plenty of water the last two months. I also started working out 3 times a week and have stuck with it. I farm on top of my full time job so I get daily outside time and physical activity rain or shine.

I've been on Wellbutrin but went and saw my doctor after this started and he's got me on paxil as well. I'm on about week 5. I don't like that I'm on them, but the paxil has helped tremendously. I think it's been a life saver. I guess I've been dealing with depression for a long time now.

I have many more good days than bad now, and the bad still aren't nearly as bad as they were. Today just kinda came out of nowhere.

Edit: Sleep is another thing I could probably do better at. It's hard to get enough with the toddler, making intimate time with the wife, and get all the farm/personal stuff done. I do ok but it could be better.

[This message edited by TrashPanda7 at 3:30 AM, Wednesday, November 26th]

My concentration was shot. What helped me was learning meditation through an app. It had a 30-day "How to" that really helped. When my thoughts would spiral, I'd do some of the breathing techniques. Maybe that might help. I didn't try any of the various colored noises, though.

My sleep is not good, either. My doctor had me taking GABA, magnesium L-Threonate, and CBN (no THC, but more expensive) gummies. Talk to your doctor because they may have non-medication options. I also used to wake up at 3am.So, I evaluated how long I usually sleep and delayed my bedtime routine to change my waking time.

For the rumination, there are tons of different strategies. To help change your neural pathways, studies are finding that Match 3 types of games can help rewire your brain. Something like Candy Crush (I play Seeker's Notes), but not World of Warcraft.

The trick is finding what works for you.

ETA: One of the exercises that I did with my IC was to track my negative self-talk. The exercise was to write 3 paragraphs. The first was me writing my negative self-talk, the second was to read the first paragraph and respond as my best friend. The third paragraph was for me to rewrite a more realistic view of the self-talk.

[This message edited by leafields at 6:16 AM, Wednesday, November 26th]

Posting on here has helped me every time so far. I went from borderline tears in my office and wishing I wasn't alive with it spiraling fast, to now ok.

Most of the intrusive thoughts and rumination I have gotten through and haven't had an issue since, but there are just 3 things left that keep bugging me:

1. Did they have sex? Totality of the circumstance and my gut feeling is yes. But she insists no. I have not brought it up again but plan on doing so I'm a way my IC helped come up with. The thought of it happening itself doesn't seem to be bothering me as much as the nagging feeling of this just isn't adding up.

2. Have they had further contact? This one isn't so bad. I'm fairly certain they haven't but every now and then I question if I'm being played but it's usually without any sort of tangible evidence or reason.

3. Do I tell AP's wife? I'm so sick with myself for having not done it immediately. IC is telling me to hold off until we meet again to decide what to do. But advice here and other places is to do it now.

#3 is where I started, then work is sitting right here in front of me. Im super behind on important stuff but I can't get my mind off one of the 3, specifically #3 today. Since I can't get my mind off it, I can't stay focused long enough to play catch up and I get more behind which adds to the already high pressure. Then my mind starts darting around to other stuff and before I know it I'm in a spiral I'm trying to escape.

1. I saw your story in your other thread and I don't blame you for having those doubts. The signs are not good in that regard. It's not uncommon for a WS to downplay and minimize what they did, but I can say that while there are many commonalities, not all of these situations play out the same way. I think it's unlikely, but it is possible she's being truthful. My WW is an example of an exception to the general rule. Sometimes I want to say I'm lucky in that regard, but there's nothing that feels "lucky" about infidelity. I was still betrayed. There was still plenty of lying, deception, and physical infidelity involved that absolutely broke me, but having the (mostly) full truth up front has helped me in processing and dealing with it. Hopefully you and your IC have a good plan to see if you can get the whole story ASAP.

2. This is another tough one, but there are some things you can do to find out. A VAR in the car under the seat, for instance. I think you said they'd spent time in a vehicle on multiple occasions? Tracking apps, full access to her devices, etc.

3. You already know the answer to this. If you were in his wife's shoes, and you were, didn't you want to know? I don't know why your IC is suggesting that you hold off on this one. Right now there's a woman out there in the same position you were in, and she's either likely clueless, or suspicious and being gaslit. Either position is pretty crappy. Not to mention she's potentially your best ally. If your wife finds out then you'll know if they're still in contact. So this also potentially answers #2 for you. Plus if OBS is on OM's ass, and he wants to salvage his marriage, then he'll initiate NC himself if it isn't already happening. The number one reason tho, and I think you agree because this is causing you distress, is that she deserves to know her husband opened up their marriage behind her back. It's just the right thing to do, and once you do it you no longer have to have that popping up in your head and causing you the level of distress you're experiencing from it. This is the simplest (perhaps not the easiest) thing on your list to remedy, and it has the potential benefit of answering numbers 1 & 2 as well.

My wife's AP is single, but if he was married you can bet I would have contacted his wife almost as soon as I found out about it, and honestly I would have enjoyed wrecking his world. He wrecked mine. He doesn't deserve my silence or help in protecting him. I wouldn't care if it pissed my wife off. In fact if it did, that would be all I needed to know to make up my mind to walk away from her. I've been married for 27 years, and I love my wife to death, but I don't want to be in a relationship with her if she isn't 100% on board. If she gets mad because you dime her boyfriend then that could tell you a lot.

TP7

Tough days for sure. Couple of random thoughts. First…

Wife is doing everything I've asked of her.

That can help, but it is nowhere near enough. She can be the absolutely perfect WS, contrite, caring, doing everything proper by the playbook, and frankly, it will likely not be enough. As you know your world has been blown up, and only you can put it back together again. She can only be supportive.

Second, here’s a key to get off of top dead center. Recognize that:
1. You don’t control your emotions.
2. You do control your actions 100%.
3. Your actions influence your emotions.

So figure out what needs doing, take control, and do it. Immediate triage steps, and then steps for the long-term. Inchstones and milestones. Accomplishing them will make you feel better about yourself.

Third, it’s an illusion that we can think about multiple things at the same time. Instead, our minds can bounce around like crazy between things. A way to push the rumination out of your mind is to do an activity that permits no mind wandering. I was a pilot in the Navy, in about six days after D-Day I had to climb back into an airplane and go land on an aircraft carrier. I thought it was a terrible idea at first, and frankly it probably was, but as it turns out flying a plane requires your total attention. For the duration of the event, I was just a pilot in an airplane. Similarly, I used to be into rock climbing. When you’re climbing, nothing else is going on but the climb. Find those activities that can give you that same sort of break. Doing a crossword puzzle, doing something complicated in the kitchen, digging a deep hole in the backyard… Whatever scratches that itch.

Keep on keeping on!

HOP, hit on something that is what tests have shown to literally change moods. It is to write down three things you are grateful for every day. Evidently it alters the brain. The info is to WRITE, not type it into a device. The act of holding a pen or pencil must do something tactile and forces you to think positively. They said it takes a few weeks but there really is a change in moods from depression to pleasure.

Trash

Yes, your emotions are normal, but I think a couple of things are enforcing them onto you.
For one – inaction. Yes – the advice is conflicting, but it does sound like you are sitting there trying to decide between A-B-C-D-E-F and while doing so... doing nothing. Inaction is a very common stage this shortly after d-day. In ways, you are sort-of content with your wife not being in alone in a car with the OM. Best way out of inaction is action. Like... decide if you are going to tell OMW or not, and then either take it off the table or do it. In the strongest of words I tell you to let her know.

Another factor keeping you blue:

Wife is doing everything I've asked of her.

You make that statement, yet in your post there is doubt as is evident in your second post on this thread.
If she’s doing "everything" then try asking her how SHE can convince you they didn’t have sex, other than by telling you they didnt. Be careful to define "sex" to her.
Be aware that it’s not the sex per se that’s causing the problem. If it’s an issue for you then the most logical thing to do would be to assume they had sex and work on yourself from that stance. The BIG ISSUE is that you have doubts, and therefore there are no grounds to even attempt to rebuild some form of trust. Lack of trust and lack of belief is the big issue.

On my first post on your situation I mentioned there are few absolutes in human behavior. MAYBE she’s telling the truth. That is possible. But I also suggested you look at all the evidence you have and use common sense. I gave it 9/10 that they did.

Like I wrote: It’s not the sex per se but the doubts this issue causes. If your wife could "prove" they didn’t have sex then it would enable you to place more belief on other statements she’s making.

I suggest you tell your wife something along this line:
I have a very hard time believing there was no sex. I find it hard to believe that two adults that got as far as you two did, sending sexually explicit photos and all that, didn’t have any intimacy seeing as how you had the opportunity to do so.
This doubt is holding me back from trusting you. I want to believe you but my brain is telling me that there is no way this can be true.
I fear that this doubt will always prevent me from having the marriage I want.
I offer you the opportunity to tell me the TRUTH. Even if it’s a truth that hurts because from that base we have a chance of reconciling.
I am arranging a polygraph test where I will have a couple of key questions asked. If you pass then I will accept that you are being truthful. If you fail... well... that indicates a) that you don’t trust me with the truth and b) that I can’t trust you to be truthful. Both conclusions that show that maybe we shouldn’t remain married.

Then evaluate her reactions: If she starts talking about how unreliable poly’s are (something we could argue about...) then it should only confirm that she’s preparing for failing -> had sex -> isn’t telling you the truth -> isn’t reconciliation material yet.