SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Almost 27 years married, 31 years together. First affair within 6 months. Last D day in August 2025, many D days earlier in 2025 from trickle truths, last affair 10 years ago when temporary separated; 4 affairs that I am aware of. PTSD now. Couples therapy failed because he didn’t want to answer my disclosure questions. I have to heal on my own again; little empathy, no communication, minimizing, blame shifting, compartmentalization, lots of acts of service/check ins, love you’s, I’m sorry’s, some remorse but it’s a power issue "you’ll take it out on me forever and forever blame me if I say more " dismissive avoidance attachment. "I’m a good person, my therapist thinks I’m a good person, Iv been good for x years" yet lied/lies about affairs the entire marriage. We fought a lot because I knew there were secrets. Trust is gone. When can you finally let go, why did I stay; is it limerence, betrayal blindness, fear of abandonment, anxious attachment, hope for change that will never happen, hoping to fix his childhood trauma, or just being a chump? How can you heal yourself from repetitive relational injuries within the relationship by yourself? Is an affair during unofficial separation when things were difficult or when being away for a few months for school okay? I say no. Divorce lawyer (and therapist) this time, trying to emotionally detach. How to deal?

Do sorry you're here and hurting. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some pinned posts at the top of the forum. I suggest reading The Tactical Primer may be very helpful for you. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great information, including information on the 180, which is a way to emotionally detsch.

When you're done, you're done.

Unfortunately, cheaters are selfish. Your WH (wayward husband) I'd a serial cheater and they rarely do the work to become a safe partner.

Waiting and hoping they'll change? We call that smoking the hopium pipe. How does he treat you and is this the way you want to live for the next 20-30 years?

Why do you stay? Please look at trauma bonding, co-dependency, and the sunk cost fallacy.

Chocklick, if you're getting a divorce, then healing on your own is to be expected. That's part of the detachment process - his well-being is no longer your responsibility, and yours isn't his.

I have a similar length relationship - together 32 years, married 28 years. It is hard to let go, and as with all things, it takes practice. Step one is recognizing when you're falling into the trap of thinking about his feelings or expecting him to care about yours. Step two is then to remind yourself of the new reality. It's a loss, but it's also an opportunity: to discover who you are and what you want, and to plan a future that centers your happiness as an individual. It's strange and hard to stop thinking in "couple" terms, to stop saying "we" and instead say "I", but if you keep practicing, it will gradually feel more natural.