SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm freaking out inside, but I'm ready to tell him I want a D. I've written down my reasons that I intend to read to him.

I've finally really realized that I am truly not happy, I don't love him, I don't want to be around him as his wife. His A just pretty much killed me.

I'm so scared of what's to come. We've been together for 35 years! We started dating when we were 19. I look around my house and can't even imagine how to split this all up. Never mind selling the house and whatever else should be sold and split.

I plan on telling him next Tuesday or Wednesday. Stupid, but he has a procedure on Monday that I said I'd take the day off to take him to. I figured I'd be nice!

If anyone has any words of wisdom or D advice, I'm happy to hear it.

Our children are adults so I don't think there will be any fighting over them. And honestly, I don't think he'll argue about who gets what, nor will I. I will post this in the Reconcile forum also, since that is where I lived for awhile.

Thanks. Please wish me luck!

Breathe...and breathe again. This will come with a flurry of emotions, and possibly a feeling of being unburdened from what has weighed on you.

Take a moment to absorb, and congratulations of having the ability to determine that you are not happy, and the ability to act on those feelings. Not everyone arrives at the same time to the divorce party.

It's ok to be scared. You've spent a lifetime together, and it's hard to look at the bigger picture and find calm and a path. Let yourself feel what you're feeling, and take it one day at a time as you have the energy and presence to do so. Try not to get too far ahead of yourself in the process.

My personal words of wisdom are: this is your journey, and no one can tell you how to travel it. That aside, gather up your documents, information, taxes, and everything that you have accumulated in the 35 years. Prepare for the worst and pray for the best. Divorce brings out the worst in people, and dividing assets is never easy.

You are entitled to no less than what the law determines you get. Don't settle for less than what you have earned. Don't let anyone tell you how to feel, how to process this or how to divide it. The law will set the groundwork for what you have, what it's worth, and who gets it.

Think logically, not emotionally, and don't let your "kindness" or "feelings" short change you from getting what you deserve. Reserve "being nice" for a perfect senario, which often doesn't unfold in the ways we hope.

While you wait get a free consultation with an attorney. Find out based off your earning capability, years together, assets, stock, 401k, pension what you maybe entitled to. Bare minimum you have a long term marriage, and you get no less than half of everything. You may well get more than half if you don't earn as much as he does. He will be forced to split things he may not be happy about.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Give yourself time to adjust to this monumental decision. Remember to get enough sleep, rest when your mind is weary, and your heart is hurting. It will come in waves, and it's a roller coaster ride, and it can blindside you with emotions that range widely. We're here for you. Hang in there.

[This message edited by Muggle at 10:48 PM, Monday, January 5th]

I’d recommend talking to a lawyer first. Then if/when he starts saying what he wants or whatever, you can respond with "we’ll split things per the law and we can work together to make it equitable" or something along those lines.

But if you tell him first, just make no comments or promises on who gets the house or whatever. All that will be handled per your state’s guidelines.

And I am not sure you need to tell him why. But if he will listen, it might make you feel better.

As for waiting for his surgery, I get that and didn’t confront my WS until he’d had a couple surgeries for that reason. Makes sense. You can love him and have history but no longer love him and want to be married to him. And as for living alone after him- we split after 25 years and at age 50. Took a minute to get my feet under me, but I love my life now.

Good luck, and post when you need support.

Possumlover, you know I'm on a similar timeline to yours (started dating at 18, married in 1997, DDay1 in late 2022, told him I wanted a divorce back in June). It is scary. It's good to have some written notes. Be prepared for begging, denial, guilt-trips, anger, tears, and all kinds of stuff from him. You will have to stay strong (and as calm as you can) in the face of that until he accepts it. I hope you have an easier time of it than I did! My stbx took about 5 weeks to stop trying to convince me not to do it.

In our case, I wanted to try mediation, so I was trying to keep the process amicable and mutual, which mean waiting for him to come to terms with it. Even after that, he kept dragging his feet for every step, and I had to do the work of finding mediators and setting up initial consultations, of creating a draft for asset divisions, etc. Sometime around October, he suddenly embraced it all, starting doing more of what he wanted to, and started paying attention to the process.

It's good to have a lawyer on your side, even if you go for mediation. They're not involved in the negotiations, but they will review the final agreement and make sure you're getting a fair deal.

It will be hard and probably take a long time, but some of it can also be fun. I really enjoyed setting up a new place for myself, the way I wanted everything.

Be honest with your children about the divorce - you might have to deliver the news alone. It can help to have notes before you talk to them too. The emotions are so overwhelming that it can be hard to keep your thoughts straight.

Tell yourself that you'll be okay. There is peace after making the decision. It's not perfect - I have moments of doubt and immense grief that catch me off-guard when I think too deeply about what could have been - but overall, I'm much better than when I was living in limbo. I think you will be too!

Thank you everyone for the thoughts, well wishes and advice. Thanks Muggle, for your advice, it's good to hear those ideas.

And BarelyBreathing, thanks for your thoughts, it helps to know life will get easier. I'm glad you love your life now, I look forward to that as well!

NoThanksForTheMemories, yes with our similarities, it's interesting to read your story.

After you told him, did you continue living together until the D was final? I think we could manage it, but it will be hard. Our sons are both adults (19 and 23) but still live with us while going to college. I feel sad for them, but I remind myself I didn't cause this.

Thanks for all your thoughts, I'm really anxious about what life will be like when I tell him.

In my case, I moved out several months before I made the decision. I wanted a trial separation, and an opportunity presented itself, so I took it. He freaked out right then, but I insisted that I'd either trial it or go straight to divorce. In the end, I was much calmer on my own, so I decided that's what I needed to do.

I do still spend one night a week at our house (which will eventually be his house) with him and our daughter just to keep things friendly and give her some family time (she's 16). I also get to do my laundry more conveniently, LOL. Sometimes I stay longer than a night, like last weekend, because he was getting ready to travel, and it's okay. Having my own place to retreat to (rental apartment until I find a permanent home) is really helpful when things get stressful.

You might want to think about your preferred living arrangements as well as whether you'd want your sons to split their time between households. They're adults, so the courts won't mandate anything, but you can make requests of them as their parents.