SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All, I’ve been wanting to get perspectives here regarding future planning.

Summary: I am 31yo F. I had an affair 13 years ago but didn’t disclose until June 2025. Mutual infidelities, many other issues, we are divorcing amicably.

Since then, I have been in a trauma center getting intensive therapy 5 days per week and working on processing childhood trauma, taking accountability, building integrity, remaining honest, working through shame.

Throughout this process, I have had thoughts about my future. I want to live my life as honestly, virtuously, and as full of integrity as possible. I want to cause as little harm to people as possible for the rest of my life, and make amends in any way I can.

Eventually, if I meet someone else and we build a partnership, should I decide not to have children? I know children don’t need to know about my past, but I have a thought that children deserve a better mother than someone who was unfaithful in the past and lied and deceived for so long.

How should my future look to make the best possible choices? If I ever get into another relationship (after a very long time, and ensuring I am an incredibly safe, loyal, honest partner that is upfront about my history), would it be unfair to have children? Perhaps living a life of service and giving back to the world in any way I can, and avoiding having children, is the best path.

I have been reflecting on these big decisions as I work on building my values. I know I value family, but I’m not sure if I deserve one.

Thank you for reading, I hope everyone is having a good 2026 so far.

Infidelity is a terrible thing.

But not having children is too high a price to pay.

I stayed with my WW. And after a few years, when I was sure I would stay, I suggested we have kids. And we did.

Best thing in my life, and hers.

Best wishes.

I think that now is not the time to make those sorts of decisions.

If you decide to have children later on, you will make that decision because you have overcome your shame and you have found (likey a healthier) love.

You are in a place for intense therapy- what does your doctor say when you ask this question?

You are not irredeemable.

You are worthy.

It’s okay to rest and have hopes for the future.

Be gentle with yourself.