SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In the next week I have my wedding anniversary and the anniversary of DD and I am struggling 😞
I feel so much calmer the past month and have worked hard on my mental health however the past week I have struggled with the approach of these anniversaries. I am struggling to sleep, obsessively googling, keep thinking about divorce and even have physical muscular pain for which I am on very strong painkillers.

The problem is...I don't trust myself or my gut anymore...I didn't know my husband cheated on me 12 years ago although I always knew deep down he would so feel like I can't trust myself to make a decision. So now I don't know if my gut is telling me now the initial trauma is over that this is a deal breaker and I should leave or if it's just a trauma response and I'm trying to escape the pain.
I cannot stand the uncertainty of it all...I'm struggling to enjoy life - to plan holidays, decorate the house, and dare I say it, love. All because I feel like I might never get over it and leave anyway.
I know I can't change the past. The affair happened and it sucks. I just wish I had a crystal ball to see into the future and know whether i will get over this or not so I know whether or not to stay.
I know everyone says time, 2-5 years to heal etc etc but life doesn't wait for you to heal and I can't stand feeling like a stranger in my own life.
I wish someone would just decide for me, tell me what to do, tell me what the future holds.
I'm scared to stay and waste more of my life and I'm scared to leave and regret leaving as I know I love my husband and could have a good life with him.
I've tried so many things to heal that it feels like a full time job and I'm just so so tired. I miss my life. I hope I will feel better but next Sunday when these two anniversaries are out of the way.
Any advice welcome.

Evio, Sorry this is always a tough decision. If there are no children, why not decide it was a deal-breaker for you, respond to the severing of the marriage he inflicted on you by formalizing a divorce from him and then take the time to learn how you feel towards a man who, if you stay as I did (regretfully) you will always know is capable of doing this, should he ever "fall" again. (So no wonder you feel this way!) If you're not currently working, what kind of job or activity would help you get back into your own life a bit more? I think that would help you!

I have a fulfilling career and am self sufficient in that way but we have three teenagers who know about the affair but would be devastated by a divorce and it would be complicated selling our home and affording a new property.
It's complicated by the fact the affair happened 12 years ago but I only found out about it last year. I think if it has just happened it would be a deal-breaker but time passed has enabled my husband to reflect and regret his actions even before DD so it hard as he had already starting changing his ways. I just don't know if trauma, mental and physical pain, tiredness and the approaching anniversaries are triggering this urge to leave or if infidelity is just a deal-breaker.

I have some understanding of what you're saying. I was a wreck from the 1st antiversary of the start of the PA and d-day in 2011. I was a wreck in 2012, too, and not in great shape in 2013, either. I'd have given a lot to have been a wreck for a week back then.

It's too soon to trust yourself again. Take it slow. Stay alert. Have faith that you will recalibrate your inner lie/truth detector; that's the quickest way to get it back.

You most definitely CAN tolerate uncertainty. I know it feels intolerable, but it isn't. Uncertainty is the most certain thing about life.

Have faith in yourself and your ability to heal.

*****

What do you plan to do for your wedding anniversary? What do you really want to do for your wedding anniversary?

I definitely had to learn to trust me again.

That can be a very uphill battle.

Experiencing the complete loss of reality -- our life isn't what we 'knew' it was -- takes some time to recover from.

It may have been 18 months that it took me to literally get my feet back underneath me, to know which way is up, was something I didn't think should be such a struggle.

However, it was a lot like the first time I burned my hand on the stove. I knew it was going to be painful, but some caveman part of me had to touch it anyway just to experience it. The learning happened after being burned. Looking back on my wife's A, it was a similar deal.

I learned what her emotional distance meant, what the signs were, what the lies sounded like. The signs I kind of knew about, but ignored are now huge, red flags.

I do know better now.

That's part one of trusting myself.

Part two was just as important; knowing that I will be awesome no matter what happens next. Single or in this M, I knew I was going to be great.

Keep running your best case scenarios in your head and the worst case scenarios too -- you will find your path forward.

The pain, that has to be conquered whether you stay or go. Take that stuff head on.

My 'new' world is all about focusing on the good stuff and appreciating that I survived what I never thought I would have to emotionally survive.

Realize your brain is working overtime to find the safest path forward, that's the lack of sleep. Your brain is trying to find the path of least pain and I kind of roll with it anytime I get those painful reminders (since I know my brain is at least attempting to be on the safer side of things, not wanting to be burned again).

Somewhere in there, you do know the core of you, what makes you tick and what makes you happy. For me, I went to that innermost core, and built out from there. I knew what I needed from and for me and what I wanted from life. If I stayed, I expected certain things, my new boundaries my new comfort zone, etc. And I knew if I didn't get the M I deserved, moving on was going to be just as important.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 7:42 PM, Friday, January 9th]

Well the anniversary was ok I guess..my husband wrote me a heartfelt neutral card rather than an anniversary card, fed me, hugged me, let me cry. I made it through the day. But today I feel worse than ever. I know I was naive to want to be healed in a year, but my marriage just feels impossible and unhealable (if that's a word!).

The truth is my husband is not evil or malicious but he lied to me our whole marriage - he let a woman he had a previous affair with be part of our lives because he 'thought it was over' and the minute our relationship got tricky (life, kids, pregnancy) she saw this as an opportunity to reignite the affair and for two years my husband used her like a free prostitute for a year and a cam girl/sexting for another and she used him for whatever her reasons were until she decided she wanted to work on her marriage again and ended things with my husband. Would he have carried on the sexting affair they were having at this point if she hadn't ended it? I expect so. Was he ever going to tell me? No. Did he care that she would randomly contact me or him over the years with life updates? Not if it meant his secret was safe.

This leaves me with the facts: a) my husband basically lied to me for the full 21 years of our relationship and
b) he has taken full accountability, owned his shit, got counselling, admitted things I would never have found out and shown real remorse.

My wedding anniversary yesterday confirmed to me though that my marriage was a lie, I was married to a man who didn't exist and I can't change that. The man that does exist is sorry, humble, kind and patient and I love him and know he loves me but is that enough? Will my nervous system ever feel safe after such a betrayal? (and gaslighting afterwards eg swearing on kids lives he had never cheated in me).

If I leave now I leave a good man that I am sure would be a good husband to someone and is a good father (now). And I leave someone I know I will never stop loving but I am just not sure if love is enough to heal a trauma this deep 😥

Evio,

You know this man better than you will ever know another romantic partner. The good and the bad.

Would you marry him?

Do you love him? Are you sexually attracted to him? Can you commit the rest of your life to him?

Yes or no?

Best wishes.

Former:

Your questions are hard to answer:
Yes, I would marry the man he is now but not the man he was. Problem is I've ended up married to both versions of him if that makes sense! If I met him (without my betrayal trauma) and he explained how badly he behaved in the past, I'd look at the man he is now, see his remorse, and see the good man he is. I believe in forgiveness, I believe in redemption, I believe people's past should not define them but that doesn't stop the pain.

Do I love him? Yes, more than ever. I will always love him I think and I want him to have a chance to change his story, to show his remorse. I feel so much empathy for him for basically fucking his and my lives up ..I hate that he has to live with that guilt.

Yes, I am sexually attracted to him, I still fancy him although I'm definitely guarded around intimacy with him at the moment.

And can I commit the rest of my life to him? That's the million dollar question. I want to. I can see an amazing future with him. I can see a deeper connection with him eventually. I want to grow old with him. Be a grandma with him and I know I will love him till the day I die. But I just want to escape this pain, the memories and this nightmare I find myself trapped in.

I think your decision is easy.

And it will get better.

It will never be perfect, but that’s ok. We shouldn’t long for perfect. It’s the bad that makes the good so wonderful.

There will be lots of good, going forward. And you will appreciate it.

Wait for it. Be patient.

Best wishes.

(ps, if he does it again, Lorena Bobbit is your muse)

I am scared I just want to run because of the pain and will regret it in time but, my god, what a mess he has made 😞

I will keep Loretta in mind 😁😉....reminds me of this poem I studied during my English degree:

After you left me
I let a dog smell at
My chest and my belly. It will fill its nose
And set out to find you.

I hope it will tear the
Testicles of your lover and bite off his penis
Or at least
Will bring me your stockings between his teeth.

And can I commit the rest of my life to him? That's the million dollar question. I want to. I can see an amazing future with him. I can see a deeper connection with him eventually. I want to grow old with him. Be a grandma with him and I know I will love him till the day I die. But I just want to escape this pain, the memories and this nightmare I find myself trapped in.

One of the best lines I read at SI, when I felt the most lost was, "We tend to hit what we aim for."

I aimed for the deeper connection, I aimed for the M I wanted, I aimed to focus on the better things happening today versus the horror shows that happened before.

You’re 100 percent correct about love.

Love wasn’t enough to stop my wife from her selfish choices and love certainly wasn’t going to be enough to rebuild the M.

However, love is a decent place to start.

None of this would hurt a bit if we didn’t love our spouses in the first place.

For me and for my wife, we talked one morning about what our work would look like going forward.

We came up with "love and…." — as in we knew it would take more than love to rebuild the M.

Love and kindness. Love and patience. Love and care. Love and grace. Love and friendship.

Of course, all of those are normal expectations for a healthy relationship, but after the painful trauma of infidelity, we kind of had to say it out loud . We had to really allow each other to be who they are today (me with pain and her with shame at the beginning) and go from there.

I’m not trapped, I choose my wife and my life every morning when I wake up.

It absolutely means I could choose a different path tomorrow, but I am never trapped — and that specific truth helps me a bunch.

Thank you Oldwounds.

My husband said the same about love. Love has never been a problem for us, but like you say love is not enough.
I think there is a part of me that is panicking and self sabotaging...now the initial trauma is over and the reality that the real healing starts now in year two and will take time I want to run! I feel envious seeing people divorce and sometimes wish my husband wasn't doing the work, or was leaving me for an AP or I just didn't love him as I'd have no choice then.

Maybe it's time to fully commit and aim for that better marriage...I think I'm just scared I'll get hurt or disappointed if it doesn't work so I'm trying to avoid the pain, healing and hard work by opting out but I know deep down the only way out is through.

Evio, many say year 2 is the hardest because the shock has worn off and you are left with seeing the messiness all laid out on the table and have to pick up the pieces. Some fall in to the plain of lethal flatness - after a year of SO MUCH EMOTION and just powering through the days, they just sort of shut down a bit for a while. Maybe you are at this point.

And it is not forever. Focus on what you want. What do you want M 2.0 to look like? What do you need? Focus on that. Rediscover you and your hobbies and your future dreams and focus on those.

I am glad your WS is doing the work. Is there more he can do that would help you?

Focus on you. You’ll find your way.

Oh Evio,

My heart aches for you. What an impossible position your husband has put you in. I know in another thread you have been exploring faith in Christ. I would encourage you to keep on that course. I can testify that in my case, He helped me survive and saved our marriage. And I found out 30 years after it happened. Jesus really is able to work these things out in you. Able to help you properly grieve. Able to heal and strengthen you. Able to redeem and prosper your marriage.

Let me speak on another topic. And I know this is tough. Your did have a REAL marriage. The experiences you had were real. The love was real. Unfortunately, you lying husband had a whole other reality layered underneath that.

When you became aware of that, your brain became horribly scrambled and hence the severe trauma. This trauma takes a very long time to sort out. The brain has to reprogram everything with this new information.

I have listened to a webinar by Jake Porter that describes "The Phoenix Effect". It describes how if you take the right path of healing, the good things that were actually present in a marriage that had betrayal, can actually resurrect and you can legitimately enjoy them again.

Highly recommend trying to listen to that webinar. You might have to pay a small amount, but well worth it.

You can heal Evio. But it will take time. And much will depend on your husband also...he really needs to be diligent to help you heal the marriage.

Praying for you Evio.🙏