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I’m having such a hard time accepting that my kids (ages 22 & 19) continue the same relationship with my WH/their dad after he has hurt me so badly. I feel like it’s a stab in the heart. He is manipulating and I don’t trust him. (After 27 yrs of marriage he has been having two yr affair with woman and has cheated with others). I am holding such contempt and trying to move past this but it’s so tough. I have been following my counselors advice to not bad mouth their dad and they don’t know all the details of his infidelity/the whole truth. I know I need to move past this but I am so mad at my WH. He is a liar and scum. How have you coped with these feelings? I’m looking for advice please

How much do they know? You don’t have to spill all the dirt or badmouth your WS for them to know enough.

Also, unless someone has been through infidelity they have NO IDEA how damaging it is. Pop culture makes it seem like no big deal. I admit it hit me way harder than I had imagined when friends’ experienced it. This means your kids, too. They will see the truth about him over time as they mature and grow.

I am sure it is really hard. But you can only control you — they will have to determine their own boundaries. I am so sorry that you are going through all this. One of the horrible effects of cheating….

It's really hard to deal with the unjustness of it all. You were the loyal one, the one there for your kids while he was out doing whatever he wanted. It feels like it's being done to you all over again when it seems like your kids put no blame on him, because it feels like they put no value on the kind of parent and wife you were.

The best way to get past it is to ask yourself what being so angry about this is accomplishing for you. You can't change what he did to you, and you can't control how your children deal with it. Your marriage is over so now the important thing is keeping the rest of your family intact, because you still have a family as long as your children are alive. Not hating him doesn't mean they don't love or need you. The way your children see this is that they are being expected to choose a side in a fight they never wanted and had nothing to do with. Harboring this resentment will not strengthen the relationship you have with them.

I had to reframe my thinking about this issue. I switched to focusing on wanting the best for my daughter, and fair or not, that was having a good relationship with both of her parents. Once I did that it was much easier to lose the anger. I didn't have to convince her he was bad, just that I was the best mom I could be. It was very freeing, because it's so much easier to build up my relationship with my daughter than it was to try and destroy her relationship with him, because you will never succeed at that. In reality our kids aren't required to make a choice. When we gave birth to them we knew we were creating a separate, unique human being with the freedom to choose their own path. We can give them wisdom in a positive way, but it's up to them what they choose to do with it.

And yes, you will be surprised as time goes on. They figure out a lot more than you think they do. And they share a lot more of how they feel when they no longer sense resentment.

Lotus6065 (original poster new member #86399) posted at 7:52 AM on Thursday, January 29th, 2026

I’m having such a hard time accepting that my kids (ages 22 & 19) continue the same relationship with my WH/their dad after he has hurt me so badly. I feel like it’s a stab in the hear

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You are absolutely correct. It does feel like a stab in the heart. It's not fair but we are left with the mess they created and are expected to carry it with grace. What we feel and what is good for our kids are TWO very DIFFERENT things.

I struggled with this and still do. The rational part of your brain wants them to be as angry as you are. We want them to suffer the distain, and disappointment in their father that we feel. It's natural to feel this. We want them to distance themselves and call him out for the dirtbag he is, but most times they won't. They'll adapt and find their own coping mechanisms.

They are victims in this but they don't have the same "skin in the game" that you do. He's their father, so they have a vastly different perception and love for him. They may hate what he did, but they won't likely hate him. They will go on the best they can, which can feel like a second betrayal to you.

It makes it feel that they are choosing him knowing he's a douche canoe, and they are ok with it. Trust me they aren't ok with it, but they can't change their parents. They are taking the path of least resistance. The one that allows them to continue to love you both, even if they hate what he did. She's just part of the dysfuncational package they are now forced to be part of.

I really struggled with this in the beginning. It would send me into a rage, I would spiral as my mind tried to wrestle with feelings of being replaced. My anger had nothing to do with their coping mechanisms. I had to remember I'm not replaceable, no matter how much time they spend with him. They are loyal to me 100% but they need to be healthy in the process. They all know what their dad did, and it's damaged parts of them they are still carrying. They accept him for who he is. The fantasy is dead for them. It's a take it or leave it thought pattern.

My common law WS of 23.5 years suprised everyone with a marriage to a woman he knew 14 days. The divorce 1.5 years later, and his continued string of new contenders. They are now "going with the flow". They visit, exchange pleasantries, and aren't invested in "getting to know" the new woman. They accept her presence, but they don't get attached, or engage them beyond when in their dads company. None of them have lasted more than a year.

My daughter once told me that she expects nothing from her dad, and then she isn't disappointed. She comes to me 98% of the time for anything meaningful. Her dad is her dad, and she knows he's not going to be present, invested or a significant part of her life. His interaction is minimal. An occasional dinner, special occasion visit for a couple of hours, and a rare phone call every few months, unless she instigates it. This is her new reality and she's more ok with it than I ever was. Our other son his dad can go months and not contact and the other one reaches out and keeps in contact. Our kids will never treat their partners in life the way they saw their father treat me. They've seen the damage, lived it and have a perfect example of what not to do in life. None of them are on board with caring for their dad in old age, but all of them have stepped up and made it known they will make sure I'm taken care of.

Let it ride. Let it take it's own path. It helped me to not have them tell me anything about his life, or mention the other woman if possible. What I don't know, can't hurt me. They're doing a great job at limiting what they tell me so that makes it easier for me.

I'm still having to remind myself the other woman didn't get a prize. She got a liar, a cheat, an avoidant, narcissistic man with no ability to love, cherish or have a heathly relationship. It may be wrapped in fake success, validation or shallow "love" but nothing he ever has will genuinely bloom. He isn't willing to put in the effort to be that man. He will always choose the "easier" woman that doesn't challenge him or require him to change or process his "baggage".

Hang in there it will get easier. Limit info and refocus on things that make you happier. Each step is difficult but you'll get there.