SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just a question to those who married someone with a personality disorder.

I didn't live with my ex first. I distinctly remember an argument with Xhole where I told him that if I'd known half of the stuff I found out after living with him, and if he'd done half of the shitty stuff he ended up doing after marriage, I never would have married him.

So, the question to those like me who married a covert NPD, or other personality disorder, if you had lived with them for at least a year, do you think you still would have married them? How long after moving in together did it take you to ask yourself, "WTF did I get myself into?"

[This message edited by StillLivin at 10:26 PM, Wednesday, February 11th]

Hahahaha, Great Question! I was so sure it was better to not do a living together arrangement, based on actual demographic statistics that showed much higher divorce rates for couples who had started out living together before marrying.

But how long would it have taken me to ask your question? In a matter of weeks, not months, I was finding myself regularly trying to understand his complete lack of consideration in matters of daily life that involved our shared space. I even mentioned it to my Father, who just laughed it off as due to my marrying a long-time bachelor in his late 30's. How I wanted to believe that....

My H doesn't have a personality disorder, so I can't speak to that aspect. We did live together for a little over a year before getting married. The only red flag I can remember during that time was that he was what I called a Yes man. He never spoke up, expressed any needs, wants, or preferences. I actuallytalked to my dad about that before we got married. It annoyed me because I'm a very outspoken, opinionated person. Our first big argument was about picking a wedding venue. I got so angry that he wouldn't tell me his opinion. He left everything up to me.

This behavior didn't register with me as pathological at the time. Now, I know it was part of his avoidant attachment style, which kept him frozen in fear of not being liked to the point that he suppressed everything.

I didn't know what a personality disorder was until way later in life. Way past marrying xWS. I knew we had a lot of issues and a lot of his personality traits rubbed me the wrong way. I did get cold feet on my wedding day. I actually had to drink in order to feel relaxed enough to walk down the aisle. That should have been my clear sign ha ha. I always thought maybe I was part of the issue until I knew I wasn't. It wasn't until we had kids that the real reveal started happening, then the A's and the rest is history. It took his counselor pulling me aside to let me know she believed he had NPD and she couldn't help him. That is when I became first aware of the disorder in 2012. Then I actually believed what she said when I started to see the patterns myself.

I did live with the ex before I married him. I guess I just thought that's the way things were supposed to be

for me no, took maybe 5 years to deconstruct my codependency and lift the veil

I got busy and neglected to come back to my post.
Superesse, I think those stats apply more to normal people and not those with personality disorders or other forms of mental instability. I think with the those with a PD, though, it brings a unique dynamic. People with PD don't show you who they really are like normal people. I mean, yeah, everyone wears a mask for a short period of time when we're firat dating and trying to impress. Bit we get comfortable pretty quickly and show pur real selves. But if we dont live with them, they can wear that mask indefinitely.
Cocoplus... Im specifically asking how long PD people take before their masks slip. Because yours didnt have a PD, they werent wearing a mask that wpuld slip. That's probably why it took so long for other undesirable traits to show themselves. Kind of interesting to compare, though.
CB, "I guess I just thought that's the way things were supposed to be" Girl you jad me ROFLMAO. But answer this, even though you thought that's how things were supposed to be, how long did it take for his mask to slip? Was it a short period of time, or much longer, years even?
Torso1500, I hadn't thought about how codependency plays into this dynamic. Interesting point. Do you think you would have realized sooner if you hadn't been codependent. With the luxury of hindsight, can you pinpoint, now, how long the mask was on and when it slipped?

I got busy and neglected to come back to my post.
Superesse, I think those stats apply more to normal people and not those with personality disorders or other forms of mental instability. I think with the those with a PD, though, it brings a unique dynamic. People with PD don't show you who they really are like normal people. I mean, yeah, everyone wears a mask for a short period of time when we're firat dating and trying to impress. Bit we get comfortable pretty quickly and show pur real selves. But if we dont live with them, they can wear that mask indefinitely.
Cocoplus... Im specifically asking how long PD people take before their masks slip. Because yours didnt have a PD, they werent wearing a mask that wpuld slip. That's probably why it took so long for other undesirable traits to show themselves. Kind of interesting to compare, though.
CB, "I guess I just thought that's the way things were supposed to be" Girl you jad me ROFLMAO. But answer this, even though you thought that's how things were supposed to be, how long did it take for his mask to slip? Was it a short period of time, or much longer, years even?
Torso1500, I hadn't thought about how codependency plays into this dynamic. Interesting point. Do you think you would have realized sooner if you hadn't been codependent. With the luxury of hindsight, can you pinpoint, now, how long the mask was on and when it slipped?

how long did it take for his mask to slip? Was it a short period of time, or much longer, years even?

His mask started to slip a year into our relationship. I think I was so codependent I just sucked it up. Then it kept slipping until it completely slipped off his face. I was a glutton for punishment. The me today would have never tolerated it from the beginning. I honestly look back at how desperate I was to be loved by him I was young and dumb that's for sure

My friend married a certified NPD serial cheating jerk.

He cheated before marriage and continued throughout the marriage.

She looks back now and sees things very differently. She sees he rushed the marriage (they dated a year). They did not live together but he was able to keep the mask on for a longer period of time because they didn’t live together.

I doubt she would have seen the red flags early on as the serial cheating H was a master manipulator.

The trouble is that PD folks and their partners form a symbiotic relationship. That kind of - any kind of? - relationship won't end until someone crosses the other's boundaries in one or more ways. So it's not just that the PD's mask slips. It also takes the partner's recognition that they deserve better. How long does that take?

Remember that the PD is sort of trolling for partners throughout their life. At least some of the people they tried to hook but who didn't bite saw behind the mask.

I don't mean to blame the victim; however, for example, if one is brought up to be co-dependent, one is both a target of borderlines and narcissists and predisposed to connect with borderlines and narcs. The problem is we are responsible for our choices. We can't predict the future, and sometimes choices do not work out well.

Eric Berne's Games People Play, which is in the public domain in some versions, may be a good read.