SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been 5 years now and having just gotten through the roughest part of the year in terms of triggers, that being the holidays (when I found out) and Valentine's Day (how I found out...a valentine's day card hidden), within the last week it's been another barrage: A story about a wife leaving her husband, an Instagram that was supposed to be humorous about a guy seeing his wife golfing with his mistress, a friend telling a story about how him and his wife tell their kids that after a certain time their bedroom is off limits (I've mentioned in other posts that our bedroom was like Penn Station with our kids just in and out of it, limiting intimacy), another dumb Instagram so now social media might be something else I give up. They just never end. As much as I try to follow through on my therapist's recommendations for coping which is to remind my brain that these aren't "fight or flight" threats, it's so difficult. The result is a day or so of me in a dark place and her walking on eggshells. I then type an email from work (can't talk at home since kids don't know) or we go for a ride so I can try and calmly vent about what's bothering me. She's doing everything she can and in her words, "hates herself everyday for what she did" (probably not healthy) but I just wish I knew when my responses to these would dissipate or what I can do differently to calm my brain. I'm not sure if this week it was just the sheer volume of them coming at me all at once or something else. It's incredibly lonely dealing with this on my own and incredibly frustrating to not yet find an effective coping mechanism. I guess I'm just venting at this point but if anyone else has gone through episodes like this during their recovery, feedback is welcome. When this isn't happening, we're making really good progress but when they do happen, I got to a pretty dark place mentally.

It is nice for a therapist to ‘suggest’ how you react, but as you’ve lived it all, it is different when a trigger lands hard.

Flight or flight kicks in again after a big trauma reminder — at least during those first five years.

At year ten, my brain knows why a movie scene or a song can send me back to the old trauma and it only takes a few seconds to redirect my thoughts versus hours or days in the early years of my recovery.

Focus is always easier said than done and for me, it took years of practice.

If I get hit with an intrusive thought or memory and the drill is still the same. These days, most of my reminders only hit when I visit here to see if any of my experience can help someone.

I appreciate the cave man brain being concerned about me, I know my mind is simply on alert for any signals or signs of trouble.

I then take a couple deep breaths, close my eyes and then it is my turn to remind my cave man brain, ain’t nothing bad happening in the now.

Then I pick a recent happy moment or cool memory, or maybe I just look up at the sky and see what colors or clouds are and think about that instead.

For the tougher triggers, I go with music or a walk, and the worst triggers, I hit the *&^$ out of a punching bag to vent out any lingering feelings.

After a while, you train yourself to understand you have a vote, a choice as to how long you ALLOW the reminders to be there.

It really takes time, not to cope, but to find the ways you move yourself back to center, to calm. Be easy on yourself too, it can be the old two steps forward, three steps back along the way.