SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just got concrete proof that my husband has been cheating with escorts. Ive had a gut feeling for a while, but my husband is a master liar and manipulator and had me doubting my instincts.

Back story - my husband and i have been together for 11.5 years, about 3 years ago I found out my husband had relapsed and was using drugs again. We met each other in recovery, so being familiar with addiction, I tried everything in my power to help. Well, I gave birth to our daughter 19 months ago. Things got worse from there. About 2 months after giving birth I found a lot of texts with random numbers about hooking up and escort lingo (had to look things up). I confronted him and he denied everything and said it was my post partum depression making me crazy. I continued to find pictures sent to him of naked women, talking about rates, and availability. I brought it up to him numerous times and each time it was a serious of lies or making me feel like it was all in my head. At the same time he was still using and lying about that and not coming home, or leaving in the evening and not coming back until the next day. Anyhow, all of this has been going on for over 19 months now. I recently saw texts from a woman asking when he was coming back to see her. I contacted her and she told me that hes been paying her for sexual acts. She told me about another woman who told me the same and that they were using together as well. So, now every instance where my gut said "this is sketchy, he's cheating" I'm pretty sure was correct.

I was furious after he didnt come home one night this week, to go see this woman. I told him to get out and I knew about what he'd been doing. Had a huge fight, said he wasnt leaving and I was crazy. I can't be with this man anymore. But for mine and my daughters sake I can't leave yet. Ive been a stay at home mom since my daughter was born and he has complete financial control, we dont have a joint account or anything, ive had to use all of my savings to provide for my daughter and myself. He pays the mortgage, electric, insurance, phone, etc. But I pay for quite a few bills too, even with no income. He has never bought diapers, formula, clothes, etc for our girl. I am hurt, angry, confused, and feel so stupid that I didn't trust my gut when I should have.

Im not sure what to do. Im not leaving yet bc I dont have the financial means to. I guess any advice, words of wisdom, or encouragement would be helpful.

[This message edited by SunshineSeeker at 3:25 AM, Saturday, April 18th]

Hi sunshine,

Welcome to the club nobody wants to join.

You will get better and stronger you ever were after this ordeal, sure it doesn’t feel like right now, but you’ll see this is not only survivable, it can even turn into empowering with the right healing.

Still it fucking sucks, so let’s begin by addressing the most urgent issue right now, your pain.

I hear you sister, people here will all hear you and this is important for you right now. Not to be told "it will be okay " this is one of the times when it is not ok.

You underwent betrayal trauma, it’s abuse, one of the worst there is. You are undergoing a wave of emotions that we often call the roller coaster from hell, because your attachment was wounded and your inner world, identity and reality shattered.
It is extremely important that you don’t compress these emotions because it will crush you, you need to let them out, no matter how incoherent or logical they might seem, what is critical to you is to be heard.

And you are heard.

Now, about the moron:

Yes your gut was right all along, that’s almost always the case, even when is "not" is usually us shushing the intuition and burying our heads under the sand to ignore the red flags 🚩.

That’s because cheaters self delude themselves into thinking they are "James Bond sipping champagne from a crystal flute and slaying the stage" when in reality is just the circus clown drinking stale piss from a plastic cup while stumbling around like an idiot (thanks Bruce for this image she nailed it)

He did it all by the book, literally followed the checklist ticking all the boxes:
- childish deception that a baby can spot
- 3 years old lies and excuses
- gaslighting you
- denial and false accusations

It’s pathetic and you would laugh at this idiot if just wasn’t so disgusting and infuriating what he did to you.

This is for you to understand that this was never about you, no fault or flaw from your side, nothing you could have done to prevent it because you were never ever offered the choice.

It is ALL on him, and you must respond by placing you first, not reacting to his chaos, but following up with consequences.

Right now your wound says you that you are not chosen, not enough, replaceable. This is not true, is your nervous system trying to find a reason, a why in what happened, and also still protecting the image of the person you loved.

Because if it can find a reason there must be something you can do to prevent this pain to hit you in the future.

That’s our own emotional reaction and we all have it, so it is normal but thankfully it is also not true what our wounds tell us.

You will learn more here in time, I just wanted to share it with you as it might help you to now follow the self bashing little demon that often hits freshly betrayed partners.

Now, what matters the most is you. Your healing. You come first in this moment, forget about the guy because he is not worthy a second of your time right now, it is you as a woman and a mom the only one that matters right now.

You can’t leave yet you said. So you are forced to endure the presence of your abuser. And he is still under his ego validation dopamine high, he has no regret or even just shame yet, he is full on in cheater mode as I understand, this means is absolutely toxic for you right now.

Until this changes, wether you manage to physically get away from him or he wakes up from his bullshit and realizes just what the hell he has done, you need to protect yourself.

Read in the healing library about the hard 180. Talk here and ask for suggestions, people who have been through this maybe even before me and you were born have a lot of wisdom that can share and help you navigate this chaos.

I feel for you and you are going to make it sister.
Trust your instincts and believe you will get better.

Here and now matters, don’t worry about tomorrow, you will get there when is time.

You have been heard.

You need to plan your exit from this nightmare. He’s not going to change his mindset that "you are delusional" because it gives him what he wants or needs.

Do you have support network? Family, friends etc that can help you.

If not, start creating one.

Get copies of every legal document you can find and give to a trusted friend. That includes tax returns and bank statements and bills and deed to house and retirement account statements, his pay stubs —all of it.

See a lawyer. Alimony and child support will be required here.

Find a place to stay temporarily until you can get a permanent residence if possible.

Start saving any $ you can — if you need to sell things, then do so.

I’m sorry for you — you deserve better. Deep down there is a good person inside your H but he’s just not the guy you married right now. You need to get away from him. You don’t have anything to work with.

1st Wife - thank you for taking the time to post! I have 2 close friends and my mom. All 3 of them know whats going on and are incredibly supportive. I'm trying to get finances in order, which is tricky because he has kept me off of and out of so many things. My name isnt on the house and I just found out he took my name off of the title of my car (was in both our names). He never wanted to do a joint bank account, so he gave me his credit card to use for groceries.
Honestly, I'm playing nice right now bc I want to get my name back on my car title and get half of our tax refund before leaving. (I feel like a bad person saying that, but it would be for our daughters benefit).
I have a list of attorneys recommended to me and will be contacting them to find the best fit.

The absolute whirlwind of emotions is exhausting. And trying to keep them all masked (especially in front of my toddler) is even more so.

Hi SunshineSeeker

I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this and reading your post I could feel how exhausting and overwhelming this must b, especially with a young child in the middle of it all. What stood out to me is how much you were made to doubt yourself and that messes with your head in a very real way. For what it is worth your instincts were not wrong.

My situation is different in the details but I also found things out much later (several escorts and work colleague emotional affair)and it has been a lot to process and trying to stay in a place of observing and taking things one step at a time rather than reacting to everything at once.

You are already doing more than you realise by thinking about your daughter getting your finances in order and reaching out for support - that is strength even if it does not feel like it right now.

Be gentle with yourself and there is nothing "stupid" about trusting the person you built a life with - you are not alone in this....

Be gentle with yourself and there is nothing "stupid" about trusting the person you built a life with - you are not alone in this....

I second this.

There is nothing stupid in your healthy attachment.

That’s what a mature adult person should look like.

The stupidity is all on him. Soon enough you’ll begin to see just how weak and pathetic this person is.

It will change a lot as you discover that and regain your center.

I have to start this by saying I do not have the training to diagnose anyone. But there’s a big however. I pay attention. You describe someone who has absolutely no compassion. He has no empathy and certainly show signs of being somewhat sociopathic. I just watched someone describe sociopathy. We all have dealings with people all the time who are on that continuum. Many of them are not murderers or thieves, but they’re going to put themselves first and if it hurts your feelings, too bad.
Who you write about has two addictions. He’s a sex addict and he’s addicted to some sort of drug or alcohol. One reinforces the other. I don’t see that you have any relationship at all with this person. You are just trying to stay afloat and at some point you’re going to drown. Since you met him in rehab, you have to watch out for your own health, which means jettison him to find stability and safety.
In this instance I see separation and divorce are your only options.
I am so sorry this has become your life. Please look after yourself. And congratulations for maintaining sobriety. In our family we are cautiously optimistic that our family member is also maintaining his.

I have been monitoring this post but have been reluctant to post the following…
I think sometimes we can paint a very dark picture that can push those seeking help away, and I am so afraid that what I’m going to share might do that. I want you to believe that this is coming from a place of care and compassion, and is exactly the same as I would suggest someone close to me in a comparable situation would heed.

Friend – the sex-workers are not your biggest issue. BTW – "escort" is just a nice word for whores, call-girls or whatever. Since I personally doubt many in that line-of-work do it for the career-opportunities and benefits, I prefer to use "sex-worker". I think it better to use derogatory terms for the users rather than those that provide the service.

You mention several factors about your husband, with the sex-workers being one of them. You also mention drug-use, you mention meeting in recovery and you mention addiction. So I’m assuming this isn’t an occasional toke or snort. I’m assuming you both acknowledged at some point in your lives there were substance abuse issues.
As you know – since you say you met in recovery I’m assuming you either had an issue or work in that area – addictions never "go". You learn to live with them and learn to contain them. A bit like if you had a bee-sting allergy you stay away from bee-hives. For an addict there is no occasional snort. If you quit and get sober, the next snort is simply the first of an ever-increasing number of snorts before you either die or manage to sober up again.

Your husband is an active user.

Then you mention his financial control…
You describe his reaction upon your discovery…
You mention how he removed your name off the house and the vehicle(s).

I’m a former cop and although it’s been ages since I left that line-of-work then I recognize the stages and symptoms of domestic abuse. This is IMHO abuse…
Don’t think abuse is limited to black eyes and broken ribs. That tends to be a graduation or development of abuse. Not saying you will end there… But abuse is about control, and your husband is all about self-centered control.
His actions in minimizing your experiences, doubting your sanity, limiting access to finances, removing your name from titles and deeds… It’s all abut control, and if left unchecked it will only increase, only progress to more abuse.
Not to mention the financial infidelity

Can he change? Well… yes.
But not while using. Not while an active addict.
I have more experience with addicts than I really care for. Although not an addict or alcoholic myself I have had to deal with close relatives, friends and more dealing with these issues. The classic substance addictions can only end in one of two ways: sobriety or death. Be that death from slamming a wall while driving coked-up, overdose from unclean drugs, stabbing while purchasing, liver-failure, falling down a ladder while stoned… Honestly – I have possibly been to more substance-related funerals than cancer-related for those that die before reaching 50.

While using – the high is the main thing. It’s above everything. That’s why you have drunk parents pick up their toddlers at daycare and drive off totally inebriated. That’s why someone will use their last money for a fix rather than pay the utilities.

But even if he were to sober up. Go to detox, AA, 12-step… he would at best THEN be at a place where he can evaluate his choices, morals, views… and possibly stop being a self-centered narcissist asshole and become a husband, father and MAN.

So like I say – his use of sex workers is not the big issue that will destroy your marriage.
His total lack of control over his actions is the issue, as well as his control over you and the marriage.

So what to do?
Well… The quickest path might be for you to contact a Domestic abuse hotline and find out what resources are available to you. These places are NOT only for battered women. They also deal with those in the initial steps or in "soft" violence. If that’s going a bit too far then contact a lawyer who can probably tell you the following:

Chances are that since you are married then the actual name on the deeds isn’t a real issue. Assets (and debts) are marital.
If you name was on these papers and he changed it without your approval he probably committed fraud. Plus a court would see this as confirmation of abuse.
Legally there are ways for you to ensure a financial source if you file. He still has commitments that are made by marrying. A court can decide temporary support, prime residence and lots of things.
There are resources available for parents in your situation ranging from social support, legal aid, housing…

Frankly – if you are still reading – I encourage you to make that call to a help-center. Chances are they have some pro-bono legal resource that can at least inform you of what power you actually have.

Who knows… Maybe you just move out and get this over with in 6-12 months. Maybe when he sees he doesn’t have control over you he has a Come To Jesus moment and starts the work he needs to do. But what is clear to me is that NOW he thinks he has it all.

SunshineSeeker - Like everyone else here, I'm deeply sorry for what you're experiencing . I just wanted to also express my support and probably reiterate a lot of what you've already read here. Sorry for the redundancy. I grew up in a house full of alcohol and drugs so I hope I have some insight into this. I think maybe it's easier to look at life as 2 areas right now - your immediate practical needs for you and baby and longer term, relationship issues.

If this were me, my first goals would be to live in a place that was safe, emotionally and physically, away from this man. I think for your mental and physical health if you can live with someone else right now, like your mother or a friend, that might be best. Do you feel physically unsafe with him? Is there any abuse history or sense that he might hurt either of you? Does he have guns? Many people do, unfortunately. I went through this, so that's why I ask. If there is any sense of violence, don't underestimate it or wait for him to do something or minimize it. Not trying to scare you, but you don't want you to minimize anything. I think your 2 biggest things are to move in with someone else for the time being if you can, and take help from whoever you can, and see a lawyer immediately. The idea about calling a Woman's hotline or domestic abuse hotline is a great one because they can hook you up with other resources and advice. Perhaps you are eligible for emergency help, I think Bigger suggested this, or you might be able to get immediate state aid. I think the key is: do you feel afraid of your husband on any level, because a yes answer might get you even more assistance or help? Don't lie but do be honest and don't try to spare his feelings. He certainly didn't spare yours or your toddler's. Don't underestimate how nasty he might turn either.

Once you have a safe place to live, where you can sleep, refresh yourself, take care of your child, then you need a lawyer to secure your current rights and what your situation is, and start a divorce. Yes, start a divorce, don't bother with this reconciliation bullshit, especially for an addict. I'm not trying to slime addicts but I've seen it a lot and most of the time they WILL pick their addiction over just about anything else, including spouses and kids. If you have a personal experience with substance abuse, you know how hard it is to kick this and how it takes #1 place in someone's life. In my experience, most people don't stop unless they develop a life threatening disease, or possibly have a religious conversion. These are not that common, alas. Even if they stop temporarily, they go back to it or something like it...or become the dreaded dry drunk. You don't need this and your kid definitely doesn't. What strikes me about your situation with your husband is the DEGREE OF CONTROL...and possibly isolation...he deliberately made over you even before the drugs were obvious, to ensure you can't get away (in his mind) and to make you basically kind of helpless and dependent on him. People like this, and it's usually men, will often physically isolate their spouse and family if they can, to maintain maximum control so he has you at home and then can do whatever the hell he wants out of it. The gaslighting is not only common, it's typical. It's like a pattern of behavior and it has nothing to do with you. It's all HIM, and he would do this to anyone he was involved with at this point. It's about maintaining a lifestyle that HE WANTS.

So I say this because do not blame yourself for any of this, you didn't see it coming, who knows how or why he got on the substance(s) and started this behavior - it always seems kind of schizophrenic to me....they want the stable family life with the controlled spouse and kid(s)...and they want the drug and the sleazy lifestyle that often comes with it. Like a teenager. Your husband hasn't grown up and probably won't. This is childish, selfish behavior, and it's all about him, and that's likely how it will stay. It's what I would EXPECT of him. Don't have expectations of him, certainly not unless you see while you are living independently, actual physical changes in his life. Do not believe anything he tells you, but verify, verify. I would not reconcile with this man because I think he's just gonna keep doing this - this is usually how they live and life is too short for bullshit. Don't bother with promises or empty words. Actions are the only things that matter and they have to be consistent and shown over time. Also, don't attribute all of what he has become to the drugs....in my experience, THIS IS WHAT THEY ARE LIKE AND WHAT THEY WANT TO DO and the drug or booze becomes an excuse to do it. The personality comes first, although the drugs can hide that or bring it out.....the personality problem comes first. AND THIS IS NOT ON YOU... so don't undermine yourself. That's his job.

Document everything that happens with him, at least write it down or record it if you can for reference later. When you do move into someone else's place take anything of importance with you such as birth papers, marriage license - any personal papers - financial records as much as you can - get them copied when he's away, copies of anything that might be useful and certainly anything of value that belongs to you that he might sell. It would be good if you could take a friend or relative with you to help and to witness.

So I would say, find a safe place to live for the time being, bring your papers etc, you don't want to keep going back a lot, see a lawyer, call a woman's support line or hotline for additional assistance, maybe get an STD test if you have been sexually active with him (I would anyway with the use of prostitutes, etc.) Just focus on you and baby, DO NOT WORRY ABOUT HIM, he can go straight to hell and that should be your attitude. Poster 1st Wife has excellent advice for you, but I have to disagree about a good person deep down inside of him. Who gives a shit, it would take an excavator to find it. Take care of YOU AND THE BABY and accept help FROM ANYONE WHO WILL GIVE IT. Don't be embarrassed or shy or ashamed or any of that. We all need to help other people and some day you may be the one helping. As bad as it is now....it WILL get better and some day you will have a far better life than you can imagine right now. Don't worry about him either - he's living the way he wants now.
Don't let him talk you into becoming part of his hostage scenario again.

DO NOT WORRY ABOUT RECONCILIATION. I would say ever. He truly can go to hell. A man's primary role is to protect his family - his wife and kid(s). This is not a nice guy, or he wouldn't have done this CONTROLLING, GASLIGHTING act on you...that's worse than the drugs. This shit could drive someone crazy, and you need to take are of yourself and your toddler. Try, even in a little way to have some fun and enjoyment in life - esp with baby, they're only small once. It's important to have some fun in your life. Things WILL get better for you, it just takes time and some planning.

So good luck, I'm not feeling that great today so I hope I'm coherent but we all wish you the best here, and there are many kind and experienced people, who will listen and do what they can to help. You're in a good place. Let us know how you're doing. And also, we disagree at times, as all people do, so take what works and disregard the rest, not all things apply to all people.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending virtual support.

Actions have consequences and for many of us the actions of our waywards have been very impactful. It’s why I recommend that betrayeds take exquisite care of any children and themselves physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially…

As an example of the impact of wayward stunningly self-focused actions, mu personal experience was that my exwh took my name off of my vehicles which for me effectively cancelled my auto insurance. So not one was I abandoned by my long term spouse while I was life threateningly sick, but I was apparently without auto insurance because of his financial fraud and theft.

It never dawned on me to consider how low he could go. Not every wayward is that way. Again just my experience so everyone’s mileage may vary. But when the person you thought you knew

"in reality is just the circus clown drinking stale piss from a plastic cup while stumbling around like an idiot (thanks Bruce for this image she nailed it)" …..

I wish you wisdom and strength and send virtual support as you walk through your difficult situation.

"in reality is just the circus clown drinking stale piss from a plastic cup while stumbling around like an idiot (thanks Bruce for this image she nailed it)" …..

Oh that sentence was just chef’s kiss