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Has anyone else’s spouse or partner developed PTSD or complex PTSD as a result of your affair.

Looking back, I believe my husband likely had undiagnosed PTSD long before my affair. After disclosure, I learned about significant childhood trauma that he had never shared with me, and he also went through cancer and treatment, which I believe added another layer of trauma. Then my infidelity introduced betrayal trauma on top of everything else. He’s since been diagnosed with C-PTSD.

I’m trying to better understand what life is like for someone living with C-PTSD and what my role should be as a spouse. At times, he becomes overwhelmed by his emotions. Things that seem small to me can trigger very intense reactions for him. Things like slamming his fist on the table because he feels the food took too long at a restaurant, extreme road rage. When he’s dysregulated, he can become very angry, say hurtful things, or expect me to remain calm while he struggles to control his own emotions. He often expects me to try to calm him. Once he’s regulated he sometimes sees things differently.

I know he’s carrying years of unresolved trauma, along with the trauma of cancer and the betrayal trauma from my affair and the damage I have caused. I love him, and I truly want to understand how to support him while also learning what a healthy response from me should look like during those difficult moments.

For those of you whose spouse has PTSD or C-PTSD:

* How do you cope with the emotional highs and lows?
* How do you respond when they’re triggered or dysregulated
* How do you support them without completely losing yourself?
* Where do you draw the line between understanding that PTSD is real and still expecting accountability for hurtful behavior?
* Has therapy helped, and if so, what approaches have made the biggest difference?

I’m not looking for judgment—either toward him or toward me. I’m genuinely trying to learn from people who have lived through something similar because this can feel like a very lonely journey and I am struggling.

I wanted to at least respond here, partly so you know you have been heard and also perhaps if it bumps back to the top it might get a little more attention.

I remember a few BS’s who have said they were diagnosed but I can’t thi k of a we who said their bs was diagnosed. We may not have enough variety of ws here to be able to help.

I think you are asking excellent questions as it sounds like you want to take accountability while maintaining reasonable boundaries. It does sound hard and lonely.

I will say some of this still can resonate with some ws here—-many bs might exhibit these behaviors without the ptsd diagnosis. I certainly remember the emotional roller coaster of the first year.

Some things that helped manage that:

Coming to an agreement with him on some of these things. What do you need when you are flooding , what do you think is the best way we can deescalate? Do you need space or do you reassurance, to have held, hold hands, etc?

My guess is he may not know some of the answers but making some agreements make the outcomes a shared responsibility. Maybe look together at breathing exercises and things that can help him regulate and make it something you can do together.

I don’t think I have given an adequate answer as this was not my circumstances but I thought maybe I could get the ball rolling for you. Generally though, the more you can approach this as a couple while ensuring that both people have a voice of what they need has been a guiding post for many who are going through that roller coaster.

I hope now that he has the diagnosis he is working with someone professional who might be able to help him begin to heal, and perhaps that professional can help the two of you establish the kind of framework I am so poorly describing.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:32 PM, Tuesday, August 11th]

I just reviewed your other posts. I didn’t catch you all were in year three or that he has pressured a lot towards swinging or nonmonogamist relationships.

From your questions you seem to understand you need to put up some boundaries and I do think that is the proper instinct. It sounds like you have really kept buckled in.

I do hope now that there is a diagnosis that there is a treatment plan. But if this is more of an abusive relationship, I just hope you don’t feel
Obligated to stick it out because you cheated or because he is having these issues. You deserve emotional and physical safety. I realize you feel guilt and ashamed for exacerbating these issues but what was he like before all this?

Hikingout

Thank you for taking the time to respond. Before this he had anger issues but since the betrayal trauma it has gotten much worse. I truly want to figure out how to help him or just at least how to better understand his behavior. I talked with my therapist today and she said going forward this will be one of the things we work on, supporting him through his ptsd.

EMDR. It’s the only way I know out of PTSD and complex. It’s a miracle.

Elica

I have heard about EDMR. I mentioned it to him and he didn’t want any part of it. I’ll research it a little further.

Maybe if you suggest it for both of you? Given the circumstances, it could be something to bring you closer again.

WS here, been diagnosed with Complex PTSD due to consistent and non-stop childhood trauma, neglect and abuse. C-PTSD is not something you can help your spouse with, other than being there for them, and being understanding of their condition. But healing from it is something they need to do on their own, and with a lot of therapy.

EMDR has been highly successful for a lot of people. I'm not sure why your spouse is opposed to it? There is nothing scary, weird or painful about it, at all.

When trauma happens in the brain, your brain needs to process that trauma. If that doesn't happen, then those feelings and the pain surrounding them get "stuck" in the brain (for lack of a better explanation). That's why people with C-PTSD can't seem to "let go" of triggers and often have extreme responses when triggered. When triggered, the brain processes the present as if it is still suffering in the past. It is like reliving a memory as if it is happening right now. (By the way, when I say a "stuck" memory, the person suffering is likely not aware of the memory itself, which only makes things more difficult to both diagnose and treat).

In order to release those stuck memories, it has been discovered that stimulating the left and right centers of the brain in fairly rapid succession causes the memories to "shake loose", at which point they can be dealt with. Stimulating the left and right parts of the brain is a very simple process. Each therapist does it a little differently, but the outcomes are the same. Some therapists will tap on your knees (left knee, right knee, left knee, right knee) while you do your CBT. Some may wave their finger back and forth, left and right. Others may use a little buzzer device in your palms. Again, none of this is painful or scary, and you are welcome to tap your own knees or do your own thing if that works better for you.

Sadly, your spouse currently has C-PTSD on top of an affair. Sometimes, BS's will find themselves feeling resentful about having to heal. It is simply the idea that, "This happened to me, I'm the victim here, so why do I need to do any work, shouldn't the WS be the one doing the work? This isn't fair." Unfortunately, both the BS and WS have trauma to overcome, and each has to do it for themselves. I would strongly encourage your spouse to learn a little bit about EMDR, or at the very least, speak with a therapist who specializes in trauma.

I wish you both good luck. EMDR isn't a cure-all, but it can really help sometimes, and cannot hurt, at all, so it is worth a try.