It's been a year . . .

It’s Been a Year . . .
It has been the most challenging year of my life, one that pushed me to the edges of devastation, despair, fear, panic, anxiety, and heartbreak. And yet, I am still standing.
Over these twelve months, I have felt every emotion a human being can feel. I have touched the depths of hopelessness in the very same weeks that I found glimmers of hope. I grieved a loss within the same 24 hours that I prayed for togetherness. I moved from anger to gratitude, back again, and then back again, so many times I lost count. I could feel safe in his arms one minute and want to run far away the next. The emotional whiplash and the shifting reality were more than I could bear on many days.
The thing about a deep betrayal of trust is that nothing is predictable. You cannot foresee what will soothe you or what will shatter you, what will spark hope or what will trigger a new wave of pain. Even now, a full year later, a fleeting thought at a stoplight nearly sent me spiraling into a panic attack last week.
But time has a way of softening the edges. The hard days are fewer now. My voice has grown louder, and my soul has grown softer. Once I could finally stand again, I learned to speak up about what I needed. I learned to shift from focusing on what I had to do to hold my marriage together to focusing on what I needed to hold myself together.
The truth is that there is no single fix. There is no magic sentence, apology, gesture, or promise. I told myself that if he would just do this or say that, maybe it would all be okay. Sometimes he did, but that did not heal the wound. I had to learn that forgiveness, rebuilding, and reclaiming my life had to come from inside me. Yes, there were things he needed to do and say, but none of them could make me whole. Maybe I will not ever be the same kind of whole again. But I am learning to forgive myself, and only I can begin to remove the armor I built around my heart.
In the same year, I was stretched far beyond my comfort zone in every way. I uncovered strength in places I did not know existed. Some days, strength simply meant getting out of bed and placing one foot in front of the other. Other days, I felt like a superwoman, like if I could survive this, I could survive anything. Sometimes both of those versions of me showed up in the very same day.
What carried me through was faith. Faith in God. Faith in my family. Faith, even when fragile, in my husband. And most importantly, faith in myself. On the last day of this incredibly difficult year, I am choosing to look at what I endured, what I survived, what I overcame, what I walked through, and what I gained in resilience and in faith.
I remind myself nearly every day that my track record of surviving is 100 percent.

0 comment posted: Monday, November 24th, 2025

Staying - forgiving myself and believing I am strong

I have struggled recently with feeling weak for choosing to stay (twice). I wrote about it, then I asked AI to polish it up and add music. This is helping me feel strong. I am hoping it helps someone else -- well I can't post the URL of the song with the music, but here are the lyrics The Woman Who Stayed

(Verse 1)
I’ve walked through the wreckage, the ashes and rain,
Holding the echoes of love and of pain.
I swore I would leave if the promise was betrayed,
But hearts don’t move easy, they bend, they stay.

(Pre-Chorus)
I tried to fix what was broken in two,
Believed in the vows, believed in the truth.
And though the world said, "You should’ve walked away,"
I found a different kind of brave.

(Chorus)
’Cause it’s strong to stay when your soul’s torn apart,
It’s courage to heal with a trembling heart.
Forgiving myself for the roads that I paved,
I’m not weak for the love that I gave.
I’m learning to see through the tears and the shade,
There’s power in being the woman who stayed.

(Verse 2)
I built walls of grace where the trust used to be,
Tried to find peace with the ghost next to me.
I wasn’t naïve, I was fighting for more,
For the life we had built, for the "us" before.

(Pre-Chorus)
And maybe the mirror’s been hard to face,
But I’m learning that strength wears a softer face.
Forgiveness is not a surrender, it’s flame—
The light that whispers my name.

(Chorus)
’Cause it’s strong to stay when your soul’s torn apart,
It’s courage to heal with a trembling heart.
Forgiving myself for the roads that I paved,
I’m not weak for the love that I gave.
I’m learning to see through the tears and the shade,
There’s power in being the woman who stayed.

(Bridge)
Someday my daughters will see what I mean,
That love isn’t simple or always serene.
It takes guts to believe when the story repeats,
To hold out your heart when it still bleeds.

(Final Chorus)
It’s strength to stay, to face what remains,
It’s courage to hope through the thunder and rain.
Forgiving myself, I’m not afraid—
Of the woman I was, or the choices I made.
Love doesn’t fade, it just learns to be brave,
And I’m proud to be the woman who stayed.

(Outro)
So here’s to the hearts that refuse to decay,
To the ones who keep loving anyway.
Not broken, not weak, not ashamed—
Just human, just strong…
The woman who stayed.

9 comments posted: Thursday, November 6th, 2025

So many steps forward and then back here

16 yrs ago Sunday I found out about my WS affair that happened yrs earlier. We worked through so much and our marriage was so much better for so many years. Fast forward 10 yrs with our kids in high school and being so very busy we let things go through the motions. Addressing it was on my list but I kept putting it aside for other things. I had long stopped babysitting his communications and things. Something felt off and I ignored it a few times. Monday I couldn’t ignore it. I had broken a bone in my face a few days earlier so I was already in pain. I asked for his phone. Found nothing for a while. He was getting anxious and irritated so I kept looking. Finally swiped down to see recent apps and opened one I didn’t recognize. There it was. A conversation with some women and they then agreed to talk (no idea how whether through the app or not because I saw nothing on the phone).

Last time he immediately was remorseful and wanted to work on our relationship. This time he tells me he doesn’t know what he wants. The whole ILYBNIL deal.

I still want to work on things so giving him some space while trying to continue my life.

Just can’t believe I’m right back here.

3 comments posted: Tuesday, December 3rd, 2024