excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Is it wrong to (sort of) look forward to widowhood?

Hoping this is the correct forum to post, apologies if it is not. I haven't been active here for several years. The EA of my H which occurred in 2010 and brought me here a year or so later is well behind us. He's a good and loving person, our marriage is not unhappy, and divorce isn't something I want to do.

However - I've always been a somewhat independent person. I've always enjoyed alone time. When my H is out running errands and doing doctor appointments (as he is today), or pursuing hobbies that don't interest me I treasure my time to myself. He is also 10 years older than me and has many more health issues than me so we've both always kind of expected I would spend several years alone, especially considering women typically live longer anyway.

I actively took care of both of my parents as they each reached their declining years, and H was very supportive and also did what he could to help them. I expect to find myself doing the same for him sometime within the next 5-10 years. We enjoy many things together, but he is also somewhat needy (and getting more so) both physically and mentally. I am and always have been his 'memory' - not because of dementia but ADHD. He's always needed me to help keep track of commitments and things, though I do have to say the advent of the smartphone has been a godsend for both of us. And his health is declining, I help keep track of his many meds and try to do what I can to help meet his needs. My mother did the same for my dad, she said "That's what they mean by in sickness and in health." I always admired her and she made the best of things and never complained.

So I am fully committed to do the right thing by my husband, and he always thanks me and is appreciative. But - I really enjoy doing what I feel like doing, eating what/when I feel like eating, etc. I'm not someone who gets lonely. So there is a part of me that sort of looks forward to the day when I have only myself to be concerned with. Is that horrible of me? My BIL passed more than 10 years ago and my SIL still grieves continuously and bemoans how much she misses him. I don't see myself doing that. I believe there is a part of me that will be relieved and consider this 'my time' when I am alone. (Assuming I am blessed enough to maintain my good health.)

11 comments posted: Monday, June 6th, 2022