M 1989 3 young adult kids D-Day 4.13.13 WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years BS (me): had no clue D-Day 2: 10.19.19, OW#8, a co-worker Told him I was DONE

Great first date: but crashed hard after

I am need to know if this has happened to you, and if so, what did you do about it?

Yesterday I went on a first date IRL with someone who seems really, really nice. We had lunch together and then went for a two hour walk, sat on a bench, kept talking, got home and then watched a movie together (each at our own house) and texted each other all the way through it. We are going to see each other again in a couple of weeks (after some already scheduled obligations). Zero red flags so far, super considerate and lots in common, plus I think he's cute!

So, on the way home (it was a bit of a drive because we don't live in the same town) I crashed hard emotionally. I felt so, so sad. I missed the Imaginary X (not the real one, obvs). I was NOT expecting this. It really hit me hard - and I had no idea that such a visceral reaction would come up - even though I really liked the Date Guy and I had fun on the date. It was kind of like my deep brain said: "date = X" and my core self couldn't move past that to "date = this nice person I'm with."

Not only that, but it suddenly occurred to me: if it's this hard for me to start dating someone I actually am interested in, because X is still (apparently) so powerfully in my psyche, then it just KILLS ME how EASY it was for X to date other women all the time for 20 years. I had not thought about it that way before. What a gut-punch. How little I mattered, and still how hard it is for me to fully let go of Imaginary X, even 18 months later and with a really nice guy.

I know I'll get there - but today I'm still sad and depressed. I don't think it's that I'm "not ready" to date again. I really had fun and am looking forward to seeing him again. But that doesn't change the feeling of being shattered again. And I suspect this would happen even five years from now if I just waited longer to date again.

I'm curious - anyone else have this? If so, what helped? What happened? How did you move past it?

Thanks y'all. I continue to be so grateful for your presence and support. Couldn't manage without this forum!

16 comments posted: Monday, May 24th, 2021

Meeting a new person

Hey y'all I just want to share a bit of validation I had today from a very nice fellow I met on Bumble. STBXH and I divided our finances at the end of March, so I decided to take a step and paid for one month of Bumble. Since we're in shelter-in-place it felt extra safe - could maybe get to know someone and take it really slow. So, I've been having lovely conversations with a very nice person for more than a week now, and today we briefly exchanged a sort of dusting of information about our spousal situations (he is also divorcing). I said that I had been separated since October, that I had kicked him out as a result of serial cheating. Kindly, but without missing a beat, the nice person said, "Oh, it's so hard to deal with narcissists." He immediately apologized for saying that - saying of course he doesn't know my ex and so on. But the thing is, he was spot on! It felt incredibly validating to have someone just go there immediately. He said that in his experience, every time he has found out that someone was a serial cheater, that person was also a narcisssist.

I don't know where this will go - we've only been in touch for about a week and of course we can't really act on anything right now. But that's okay! He's smart, and kind, and a good conversationalist - and he can recognize a narcissist! It's just about where I want to be.

(This comes a few days after STBHX sent me an email asking if I would reconsider the divorce and how much he loves me and blah, blah, blah, to which I responded, "I am no longer available.")

5 comments posted: Sunday, April 19th, 2020