Me: BH 38years old DDay 4-29-13Her: FWW 39

Twelve years later…

Happy holidays everyone. It’s been a very long time since I have participated on SI but can say with certainty that had I not found this place, I may have done something permanent to myself.

I caught my fws in an affair with a family friend that was old enough to be her father 12 years ago. I went complete nuts and attacked the OM swiftly and severely. How I managed to not get into legal trouble, I’ll never know. I did a lot of other crazy stuff too. FWS was the love of my life. Childhood sweethearts and all. It was the most excruciating pain that I’ve ever experienced.

Sparing all of the details, I ended up having a revenge affair of my own that lasted quite a while. My plan was to leave my wife after my kids grew up. I ended up getting caught and realized that was not what I really wanted. My FWS has been a model citizen since the day I found out and completely changed her ways. Devoted her life to me and our family. She has not faltered once. I have done the same since my own affair.

I know that I’m no better than her since I had an affair too, but I still can’t shake what she did to me. It was in fact the catalyst that propelled my life into chaos. With that said, I also know I’m responsible for my own actions. I unfortunately saw some of the communication between them when I found out and it haunts me to this day. All the I love you’s and I want to marry you stuff. Even using my kids as part of their fantasy as if they were a family. This is what threw me over the edge and why I chose violence when I did. The sexual stuff was just the icing on the cake considering the OM was quite well endowed and seeing what she said to him about it. The pictures are etched into my memory between the two of them.

To those of you that are a decade or more away from an affair that have successfully moved beyond it, what am I missing? I love my wife but sometimes I still hate her too. Is this common with you all also? I’m sure she loves me and also hates me at times also.

We’ve done counseling many times and also individual therapy. Even with all of that, I still can’t shake the betrayal that was done to me completely. I hate the intrusive thoughts that will come and go periodically. I’m mindful that she is a betrayed now also and suffers from the same but I’d have thought by the twelve year mark that things would’ve subsided for me.

I guess I’m just asking for some advice and wisdom from some old pros here. Thanks in advance.

12 comments posted: Saturday, December 21st, 2024