Mental health issues
I’m going to throw this out as it seems to be a common occurrence on this board where the cheating partner has some sort of mental issues going on. Be it sexual trauma at some point in their lives, bipolar issues, manic breaks etc. I’m sure that in a tie breaking situation that this would break the tie in favor of reconciliation. But is it a get out of jail pass? I have my thoughts on this, but since I’m not close to this, my thoughts are very flexible. I can probably be swayed to either side as like I said I haven’t lived this.
I do also recognize how difficult this can be and I understand that be it reconciling or divorce an over riding factor has to be the safety of the partner who cheated with issues in keeping them from any self destruction. But does this mean the BS has to stay no matter what the WS has done do to mental issues?
Again, this might be sensitive, but it comes up so often. Not judging, but trying to learn.
21 comments posted: Thursday, May 16th, 2024
What’s fair
My daughter is getting married and surprise, surprise, the costs of the wedding continues to escalate. This has been a giant negotiation from the start. Initially my EX and she convinced my daughter that the woman I have been with for a few years should not attend. Hard no from me. Then it was where she sat. They wanted her at a peripheral table with non family. Again hard no. She sits with me. I did agree that she wouldn’t be in any of the formal family pictures, but that was it. So bottom line I have been on the defensive from the start.
Now the issue as I stated is costs. The original band broke up, so we found a new, and I agree a better one, but at almost double the cost. The room expanded so we have that cost, as well as a bigger flower bill. And the after party has also been changed and enhanced. Nothing frankly I didn’t expect.
What I didn’t expect is that when my EX and I agreed to split the costs, she now doesn’t want to pay up on the over runs. When we divorced we split things 50/50. She had not worked for 20 years, but I knew my success was only made possible by her hard work at home, so I didn’t fight anything. However our finances were quite complicated. Some of our portfolio was easily evaluated like stocks and bonds. Others were harder such as limited partnerships and other more complicated financial instruments. She insisted on getting the stocks and such that were easier to sell, while I opted for the others. Turned out mine have grown more than hers, and she did some stupid things like selling during the Covid downturn. I listened to our financial advisor and she didn’t. Her portfolio is still robust, just not nearly what mine is. The thing is she created that.
Now with these overruns, she feels I should pay the bulk of it "because I have more". I do, but she still has the means to pay theses overruns and it will not crimp her in anyway. It’s not much in the long run for either of us, but we both have dug in on principle.
Am I wrong here? When you agree to pay 50/50 that should be it. I’m disgusted by the whole thing
38 comments posted: Tuesday, March 26th, 2024
Just an observation
After my EXWW affair I was 100% convinced that she would never cheat again. It was so out of character, and she saw what it did to me and us, but after reading so many "I’m back again" stories recently makes me question that. I hate to say it, but it reinforces my decision to divorce that it was the right one. I still think it was unlikely, but not having to suffer the pain I am reading here from so many, I’m glad even the slightest possibility was taken off the table.
I really feel for those here "back again" after thinking they thought things were good again
23 comments posted: Saturday, December 2nd, 2023
Boundaries
The reason I am bringing this topic up is on one of the threads I commented that I could have probably through lots of work, forgiven a one time sexual act.
The reason is that I confess I came close a few times after I found out about what she did.
I had a very high profile job in a very social field. Lots of parties, conventions, dinners etc. On a few occasions I was heavily flirted to by much younger women. I know it’s commonly thought of that older guys in positions of power prey on younger women, and have no doubt that is the case. But on the flip side, it’s almost as common for younger women to be attracted to the power of an older successful guy and they are the aggressors.
Prior to the affair I had really good boundaries and when getting the signals, although flattered, I always deflected leaving no room for anything to happen. On a danger scale, probably a 1 out of 5
After her affair things changed. I actually was doing even better work wise, and lost a lot of weight and got into really good shape. I don’t think I was conscious of it, but the number of women who now were sending out signals increased exponentially. Part of it was the job, and being in better shape, but if I take an honest look at it, I’m sure I was sending out a different signal after her affair and my self worth was in the toilet.
Instead of shutting things down when women were flirting, I began to enjoy the game and the feelings that it gave me. The feeling of being special and wanted by a younger attractive women was intoxicating. I came very close on more than one occasion to giving in. On the danger scale I was a 4.9 out of five. On a few occasions the women asked me to go back to their hotel rooms and made it clear that they wanted to have sex with me. I never did it, but had to self reflect that for it to get to that point I had to have lowered my boundaries to let it get to that point.
It also became clear to me I enjoyed it and wanted to have sex with these women which among other things factored into my reasoning to get divorced. My ex actually offered to open up the marriage on my end, but it wasn’t something I wanted. But I can see how easily a one time thing could happen
Clearly my boundaries went to shit after her affair. Just curious if this is something that other BS have experienced after their partner cheated?
36 comments posted: Wednesday, October 18th, 2023
